Lyr/Chords Req: Deck of Cards (parody)

Subject: deck o' cards parody[s]
From: Mr Happy
Date: 04 Jul 02 - 08:34 AM

i heard a long time ago someone [perh. david frost] do a parody version of deck of cards. it was about the contents of his cricket bag.

anyone have words & tune for this?

also any other versions?

cheers

mr happy

Subject: RE: Lyr/Chords Req: deck o' cards parody[s]
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 04 Jul 02 - 08:53 AM

I'll try to dig out the Max Boyce version, set in a rugby training session, where one poor soul hasn't got his training handbook.

Nigel

Subject: RE: Lyr/Chords Req: deck o' cards parody[s]
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 04 Jul 02 - 08:56 AM

Mr Happy - we seem to have another case of Thread-Cross - I've just mentioned it in this thread.

I'm pretty sure it was Tim Brooke-Taylor (although it might have been Graham Garden) in I.S.I.S.T.A.

Subject: RE: Lyr/Chords Req: deck o' cards parody[s]
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 04 Jul 02 - 09:13 AM

BTW I heard it recited, there wasn't any tune.

Subject: RE: Lyr/Chords Req: deck o' cards parody[s]
From: Les from Hull
Date: 04 Jul 02 - 10:09 AM

It was in a Prune Play called 'Ice Cubes down my Cleavage' or 'The Cold Tits Story'! I used to have a recording of this. It might be on one of the BBC double cassettes of the show, or on the Old LPs (I've got both). If I can find it I'll let you know.

Subject: RE: Lyr/Chords Req: deck o' cards parody[s]
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 04 Jul 02 - 10:11 AM

It was played on Radio 2 one morning recently (the cricket bag version). If I could remember when it might be on-line still.

Subject: RE: Lyr/Chords Req: deck o' cards parody[s]
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 04 Jul 02 - 11:41 AM

Well according to this site
Ice Cubes Down My Cleavage, or, The Coldtitz Story was transmitted part of the I.S.I.R.T.A. show transmitted on 23-12-73.

Good God, that was 29 years ago when I was young(-ish) and handsome (I don't think many 'catters knew me then to be able to deny it - except for Breezie).

Subject: Lyr Req: DECK OF CARDS (parody by Les Barker)
From: Dead Horse
Date: 04 Jul 02 - 06:35 PM

Two versions both by same author, Les Barker no less.
Seperated by some ten years or so, I would guess, and I hopes as 'ow yer can unnerstand t' northern dialect
DECK OF CARDS (first version) I remember, when I were a lad, p'raps six year owd, we used to 'ave to go to chapel every Sunday mornin', all poshed up in us best clothes, an' we couldn't swing round lamp posts nor play football nor splash one another in't puddles nor nowt; an' then after chapel, there were Sunday school; an' it were right dull. Except for one mornin' as I remember; owd Arkwright were readin' away from t'bible as usual, an' all of a sudden, 'e stopped. Stopped dead, like. All amazed; 'e were starin' at back o' t' room, an' everybody followed 'is gaze, an' there at t' back o' t' room, were a lad, all bright red in t' face, an' in 'is 'and were a pack o' cards.
Owd Arkwright said: "Eyup, lad: what's tha doin' wi' them cards?"
An' t' lad looked all embarrassed for a minute, an' then blow me if 'e didn't come out wi' all this lot:
"Well, Mr Arkwright," 'e said, cool as a sausage dog in t' snow, 'e said:
"Well, Mr Arkwright, when I looks at 't ace, I thinks o' one night last week wi' big Elsie Forshaw from down t' road. Not 'arf."
"An when I looks at 't two, I thinks o' t' two stomachs of 'arf a cow"
"An when I looks at 't three, I thinks o' three other nights last week wi' big Elsie Forshaw from down t' road."
"An when I looks at t' four, I thinks o' t' number of trotters on a pig"
"An when I looks at t' five, I thinks o' t' number of trotters on a pig an a another one we got in t' cupboard from last Fridays tea"
"An when I looks at t' six, I think o t' number of bananas in 'arf a dozen"
"An when I looks at t' seven, I thinks o' seven fluid ounces o' Domestos"
"An when I looks at t' eight, I think o' the eight stomachs o' two cows"
"An when I looks at t' nine, I thinks o' number nine, Glodwick Road"
"An when I looks at t' ten, I thinks o' most o' a football team"
"An when I looks at t' Jack, I thinks o' my mate Jack, oo's a loony"
"An when I looks at t' Queen, I thinks o' t' nights I've spent in t' Queens Arms pub"
"An when I looks at t' King, I thinks o' King Norman the Ninth o' Lower Saxony"
"An when I counts t' four suits, I think o' four dirty weekends wi' Mrs Gladys Prune, oo lives at number nine Glodwick Road"
"An when I counts t' fifty one cards, I thinks o' 'erbert Ackroyd, what pinched t' ten o' spades of us"
"So you see, Mt Arkwright, me pack o' cards reminds me o' all sorts o' stuff;"
"An when I looks at t' Joker, it'll remind me what a bloody fool thars been to listen t' all this rubbish."
Well, that's about the long and short o' it; an' it's true; I knows, 'cos I'm 'erbert Ackroyd, an 'ere's t' ten o' spades!

Subject: Lyr Add: DECK OF CARDS (parody by Les Barker)
From: Dead Horse
Date: 04 Jul 02 - 06:42 PM

Version the Second (and to me, the best)
During the North African campaign of the 7 years Franco-Prussian War of the Spanish Succession, a bunch of soldier boys had been on a long hike and found themselves in Macclesfield.
The next day being Sunday, they went into a church. One of the Franco Prussians saw one of the soldier boys take out a deck of cards, and said: 'Soldier; put away those cards."
The next day, the soldier was taken before the Provost Marshal. The Marshal spoke to the Franco Prussian, saying "Frank, why have you brought this man before me?
"For playing cards in church, Sir.
"What have you to say for yourself, son?"
"Much, sir," said the soldier.
"I hope so; for if not, I shall punish you more than any man was ever punished."
The soldier replied: "Well sir, when I see the ace, I think of what they call frozen water in Cheltenham.
When I see the two, I think of the two stomachs of half a cow.
And when I see the three, I think of the number of horsemen of the apocalypse when Pestilence is having a day off to run in the 2.45 at Ascot.
And when I look at the four, I think of the number of legs on part of a centipede.
When I see the five, I think of the number of trotters on a pig, and a spare one we've got in the fridge.
When I look at the six, I think of the number of votes Norway have got in the entire history of the Eurovision Song Contest.
When I look at the seven, I think of the Ten Commandments.
When I see the eight, I think of the number of trotters on a pig, cos I've just ate 'em.
When I think of the nine, I think of the number of trotters there would be on three horses if they were all pigs and had a leg missing.
When I look at the ten, I think of the number of Lords a-leaping some swine left on the doorstep after Christmas.
And when I see the Jack, I think of the number of trotters on a pig if it's left overnight in a car park in Brixton.
When I see the Queen, I think perhaps I'm in the wrong bus queue.
And when I see the king, I think: What's Elvis doing working in Tesco?
And when I see the four suits, it reminds me how many suits I'd have in the wardrobe if I had another four, and a wardrobe.
When I add up the number of cards, it comes to fifty-two, the number of weeks in the last half of last year and the first half of this year.
There are twelve picture cards, the number of eyebrows on six armadillos.
When I add up the spots, it comes to three hundred and sixty five, and I am reminded of a small bottle of Thousand Island dressing.
So you see, my deck of cards serves me as both a bauble and an Armagnac.
And folks, this story's true; I know; I read it in the Sun.

Subject: RE: Lyr/Chords Req: deck o' cards parody[s]
From: Gareth
Date: 04 Jul 02 - 07:13 PM

Oh ! No ! Nigel - Not the Official WRU Coaching leaflets, and I know, cos I was there !!!!

Gareth

Subject: RE: Lyr/Chords Req: deck o' cards parody[s]
From: GUEST,Argenine
Date: 05 Jul 02 - 03:57 PM

LOL, folks!

Subject: Lyr Add: DECK OF CARDS (parody by Max Boyce)
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 10 Jul 02 - 06:24 AM

As PromisedThe Max Boyce version. any disparaging comments about the English are not accidental
DECK OF CARDS
original by T. Texas Tyler
New Lyrics by Max Boyce


During the latter part of last season, a bunch of students had been on a long sponsored walk. They arrived in a little town called Ystrad.
The next day being Tuesday, some of the boys went training. A Welsh Rugby Union coach commanded the boys in training, and after he had outlined various scrummaging techniques, he told them to take out their Welsh Rugby Union handbook.
Those of the boys who had Welsh Rugby Union handbooks, took them out. But one boy had only a Deck of Cards, and so he spread them out.
The coach saw the cards and said 'Boy, put away those cards!' After the training session was over the boy was taken away, and taken in front of the Welsh Rugby Union.
And Bill Clement said: 'Why have you brought this boy here?'
'For playing cards in a training session, sir.'
'And what have you to say for yourself, son?'
'Much, sir!'
And Bill Clement said 'I hope so. For if you haven't I will punish you more severely than any boy was ever punished.'
The boy said. 'Sir, I have been away in college for six months and had with me neither Welsh Rugby Union handbook or my Ray Williams coaching leaflets!
'But I hope to satisfy you, sir, with the purity of my intentions.
And with that the boy began his story:
'You see sir, when I look at the ace, it reminds me there is but one game - Rugby Football! And the ace also reminds me of Eddie Waring when he goes "Eh, eh, it's an up-and-under."
When I see the two, it reminds me that there are two codes of Rugby, Rugby Union and * * !
When I see the trey, I think of the Viet Gwent — the Pontypool Front Row. Charlie Faulkner, Bobby Windsor and Graham Price.
When I see the four, it reminds me of the four Home Countries: Wales, Scotland, Ireland and ???????. -When I see the five, I think of-the big five: three were wise and picked Dai — and two were foolish and picked Cobner!
When I see the six of course I think of Dai Morris.
When I see the seven, I think of the Snelling Sevens at the end of each season.
When I see the eight I think of the great Mervyn Davies, the greatest "number eight" in the world.
And of course when I see the nine I think of — Gareth Edwards? No, Dai Morris upside.down!
When I see the ten it reminds me of the years I worked in the Outside-Half Factory, producing that 'self-same number ten.
When I see the jack, or the knave, or the devil I think of the Rugby League scouts.
When I see the queen I think of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, who bestowed on the great Gareth Edwards the MBE. (Some people will do anything for tickets!)
When I see the king, it reminds me of the player they once called "the king" — Barry John.
When I count the number of spots on my deck of cards -I find 365 — the number of points we've scored against England in the last couple of games at Cardiff!
There are 5* cards in-a pack: the number of people who come and see Pontardulais on Saturdays!
There are four suits: the number of weeks in a month.
There are twelve picture cards: the number of times Wales have won the Triple Crown.
There are thirteen tricks: the number of times they'll have won it by this time next year!
So you see, sir, my pack of cards serves me not only as an almanac but as a Welsh Rugby Union handbook.
And friends, that story is true. I know, 'cos I was that boy!'


Taken from "Max Boyce: his songs & poems: (Panther books 1976)

Subject: RE: Lyr/Chords Req: deck o' cards parody[s]
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 10 Jul 02 - 06:27 AM

Should be 52 cards in a pack, not 5*. Only missed one line break, between the lines for 'the four' and 'the five'

Nigel

Subject: RE: Lyr/Chords Req: deck o' cards parody[s]
From: GUEST,Ray
Date: 10 Jul 02 - 07:55 AM

Sid Kipper does a parody on this theme called 'Stack of Dommies' (dominoes) its on his album 'The Rhinestone Ploughboy' I have no access to the words here and all I can recall is "When I see the double blank it reminds me of b....r all"

Theres been loads of threads about Sid Kipper and with any luck the words will have been posted.

Good luck

Ray