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BS: Twillingsgate rocked by scandal!!!
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Subject: BS: Twillingsgate rocked by scandal!!! From: GUEST,Miss "Q" of Twillingsgate Date: 05 Jun 03 - 11:36 PM All of Twillingsgate is agog at the News. The famous poet Malcolm Buggeroll, the "Poet of the Highlands" was caught en flagrante delicto in the drawing room of the Hoarsbottom mansion, one of the most prestigious residences in the upscale end of what is certainly an upscale town, consorting with none other than Madeline Hoarsbottom, the lady of the house, Priscilla Hoarsbottom-Spencer, her cousin from Hull, two domestic servants, a gamekeeper, and a sheep! And we have photos, purportedly snapped by none other than Winston Wellington-Jones, scion of the Wellington-Joneses, one of Twillingsgate's finest families. "I had suspected...no, I had known for some time that Buggeroll was up to no good," commented Wellington-Jones, "but not even my darkest suspicions prepared me for the scene of utter depravity with which I was confronted on the evening of June 4rth. It is my wont to go for lengthy evening walks when the weather is good, in order to stretch my legs and exercise the cardiovascular system. I was passing by the Hoarsbottom mansion when I heard what sounded like a damsel in distress, along with other sounds that I could not identify, but which suggested some sort of violent confrontation. I vaulted over the wall that surrounds the property and made my way quickly to the nearest window from which these sounds were emanating Imagine my horror at the scene of unbridled licentiousness that I observed through that window! Without going into details, I will simply say that it involved Malcolm Buggeroll, the ladies Hoarsbottom, the gamekeeper Gridley (who is employed by the Hoarsbottoms), two servants, and an unfortunate sheep...all of them engaged in, shall I say, unnatural acts of various kinds...together. All of them were in the nude, including the sheep." "I had to act fast, because I knew two things...one, that the pervert, Buggeroll had to be stopped once and for all...and two, that no one would believe me unless I had undeniable proof of his vile doings. Fortunately, I had my camera handy, with flash (I had been planning to photograph the moon, as it was a particularly clear night)...and immediately snapped three photos of the horrified participants. This precipitated a frightful row! The ladies became hysterical, the gamekeeper seized an antique spear and attempted to kill me with it (shattering the window in the process), the servants and the gamekeeper then fled, and the sheep bolted for the kitchen, dragging Mr. Buggeroll helplessly in its wake, screaming foul obscenities...Mr. Buggeroll was, I mean, not the sheep. The lights then went out." "I could see that my presence was not welcome at the Hoarsbottom's, so I excused myself and made to leave by the front entrance, but was confronted there by the despicable Mr. Buggeroll, breathing heavily, and clad only in a raincoat which he had hastily donned. He demanded the photos. I refused to surrender them. He then offered me 5,000 pounds on the spot for the photos and the camera. I again refused, saying "Now, you indecent devil, you are going to pay for corrupting the gentry of this fair town!" At that point the cad made as if to seize the camera, and I gave him a quick right and a left which landed him unceremoniously in the nearest flowerbed and went home, where I poured myself a stiff drink." Wellington-Jones turned the photos over to the Twillingsgate police station the following day, as well as copies to the Twillingsgate Herald, along with a full statement of the shocking event which has turned the town on its ear. Malcom Buggeroll has an enthusiastic following of poetry- lovers here, as well as throughout the English-speaking world. We were able to reach Mr. Buggeroll today for his comments on the incident. "That fellow, Wellington-Jones, has long harboured a vicious hatred for me, based entirely upon envy," stated Buggeroll, "And has been concocting the most fantastic stories from his lurid imagination. There is absolutely no truth to his ludicrous allegations, and I should think he ought to be arrested for trespassing, property damage, and assault. The fact is, Lady Hoarsbottom had requested that I perform an old Celtic ceremony, a purification ceremony, in order to brace up her cousin's fragile health. These ancient ceremonies have their own particular formalities, which I am not at liberty to fully divulge at this time, because the ordinary public does not understand such things, and it is my sworn duty to guard the secret cultural treasures of England's past and not reveal all." We were then moved to inquire as to whether any of those formalities involved nudity... "In some cases, yes," admitted Mr. Buggeroll, "but only nudity of an entirely chaste and non- suggestive sort, of course." What exactly was the nature of the sheep's role in the proceedings, we inquired? "The sheep, Millie, is a beloved pet and longtime companion of mine," declared Buggeroll, "and it is the most scurrilous assertion of all by that despicable Wellington-Jones to suggest that anything improper was happening. I am as incapable of abusing animals as I would be of abusing an innocent young woman or a child. It's unthinkable! When this matter is cleared up, I will sue Wellington-Jones for every penny he has!" What about the photos, we asked? "Photos can be faked," snapped Mr. Buggeroll angrily, "And I ask you this: what was Winston Wellington-Jones doing out in the middle of the night, creeping into other people's yards with a camera? Well? What do you think? Does he habitually go for walks at 2 AM with a loaded camera and flash? I don't think so, unless he is a peeping tom! This has all the markings of a deliberately conceived plot, an entrapment. Mark my words, he will rue the day he impugned the moral standing of Malcolm Buggeroll!" And there it stands. One thing for sure, the fair folk of Twillingsgate will have something to talk about this summer! - Pruella Tattle, for the Twillingsgate Herald |
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Subject: RE: BS: Twillingsgate rocked by scandal!!! From: GUEST,Angelique Date: 05 Jun 03 - 11:47 PM Mon Dieu! Je suis secoué à mes bases mêmes. Comment ce mouton stupide, Millie, peut-il m'avoir remplacé au coeur de Malcolm? Il m'a juré était le seul! Je suis ainsi renversement que je pourrais étrangler le wretch! Je suis si fâché je pourrais crier! Vraiment, il n'y a aucun honneur aux coeurs des poèts écossais et ils sont tous les identiques. Enfer sanglant! Mais je voyagerai à Twillingsgate immédiatement et verrai ce que je peux faire. Il doit aller librement! Mon Dieu! Angelique |
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Subject: RE: BS: Twillingsgate rocked by scandal!!! From: Sorcha Date: 05 Jun 03 - 11:54 PM Tranlation of Angelique's post: My God! I am shaken at my same bases. How this stupid sheep, Millie, can have replaced me in the heart of Malcolm? It swore to me was only! I am thus inversion which I could strangle the wretch! I am if annoyed I could shout! Really, there is no Scottish honor in the hearts of the poèts and they are all the identical ones. Bloody hell! But I will travel in Twillingsgate immediately and will see what I can do. It must go freely! My God! LOL! Very, very good! God save the sheep! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Twillingsgate rocked by scandal!!! From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones Date: 06 Jun 03 - 01:47 AM God may indeed save the sheep, but He will not save that filthy swine, Buggeroll. Not this time. The kilted, preening prince of doggerel, animal-husbandry, and quasi-romantic drivel is about to meet his end as a celebrity in this town. And I expect that we will shortly be assailed by an invasion of French tarts and impressionable and very stupid women from God knows where, wailing and carrying on as he is sentenced to a lengthy stay in the Tower of London or some such appropriate hellhole reserved for those accursed scum who are utterly beyond redemption. Ha! I laugh! Drinks all around, I say! Tally ho! The old fox has been taken, ladies and gentlemen. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Twillingsgate rocked by scandal!!! From: Bee-dubya-ell Date: 06 Jun 03 - 01:53 AM Yippeee!!! Sorcha a récupéré son biscuit. Khandu le tenait pour le ransom, n'est-ce pas? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Twillingsgate rocked by scandal!!! From: Tweed Date: 06 Jun 03 - 06:43 AM HAW! Nothing coming out of Twillingsgate would ever surprise me.The entire community is populated by deviants and people of low character, excepting of course, the genteel and refined Penelope Rutledge. I can only pray that she does not become aware of this despicable story as it would no doubt cause her great discomfort and embarrassment. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Twillingsgate rocked by scandal!!! From: Sorcha Date: 06 Jun 03 - 11:34 AM Oui, ce semble mon IP a en effet identifié Mudcat encore. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Twillingsgate rocked by scandal!!! From: GUEST,Angelique Date: 06 Jun 03 - 12:10 PM Winston, vous êtes un fils d'un porc! Je crache sur vous! Je crache également sur votre mère et je crache sur la tombe de votre puer entier, famille aristocratique. Je viens à Twillingsgate et vous avez eu un meilleur séjour loin de moi, parce que nous Français savons avoir affaire avec des traîtres, des espions, et des gosses corrompus de la noblesse. Nous avons traité votre sorte en révolution, vous savez. Vous êtes contre Malcolm parce qu'il vient des gens du commun, et vous vous pensez êtes meilleur que nous. À l'enfer avec vous! Angelique |
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Subject: RE: BS: Twillingsgate rocked by scandal!!! From: Bee-dubya-ell Date: 06 Jun 03 - 12:29 PM Bons Cieux! Nous donnons certainement vieux Babel pêchons une séance d'entraînement, n'est-ce pas? Elle prête un niveau de certainl de classe à BS si elle est en français. Des marques elle odeur aiment le fromage bleu au lieu des entrailles putréfiées de possum. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Twillingsgate rocked by scandal!!! From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge Date: 06 Jun 03 - 01:00 PM My, my. "Hell hath no fury like..." It appears that things are going to be lively around here for quite some time, especially after Angelique arrives with her red cap and cockade, and a tumbril in tow! :-) I hope Winston has taken suitable precautions. Tweed, be assured, I am well aware of the situation. I would have to be blind, deaf, and comatose not to know about it at this point. Twillingsgate is in a ferment! I must say that I am delighted that the detestable Mr Buggeroll has finally gotten himself into serious trouble, but it is most unfortunate that he had to involve the Hoarsbottoms. It has sent shockwaves through this town, I can tell you. I have been frustrated for months by the naive hero worship conferred on the wretch, Malcom Buggeroll by many of the foolish women of this town. The man is a fiend, a satyr, a slavering beast without conscience, and a complete phony to boot. His so-called poetry could be best used to torture condemned prisoners, I should think, and I hope they paste copies of it all over the walls of his future cell in order to remind him of what a pretentious oaf he really is. I can't help but wonder why Winston was traipsing around at 2 in the morning with a camera (To photograph "the moon"? Ha!), and I suspect it was more than coincidence that he happened to be in the right place at the right time, as it were, but I can't help but be pleased with the result (at least as regards Mr Buggeroll). Winston is a rogue and a playboy himself, but at least he confines his attentions to eligible human females of legal age and has a degree of judgement about his conduct. It appears that Buggeroll will launch a suit against Winston, as will the Hoarsbottoms. This promises to be nasty. The Hoarsbottoms are extremely wealthy, as are the Wellington-Joneses, and both families are now seemingly intent on ruining the other. The people at the Twillingsgate Herald (particularly Miss Pruella Tattle, their resident neighborhood snitch) must be in sheer ecstasy! This is the event they have waited all their tawdry lives for. The rumoured photos, by the way, have been denied publication by court order, and must be held for the trial. There are people in this town who would pay dearly to see them, but I am not one of them. I do not intend to ruin my appetite in that fashion. Winston offered to show them to me for free (he has made several copies), but I declined. He said, "Too bad. I will shortly be selling these quietly to interested parties for...I should think...at least 80 quid apiece." Winston is a cheeky and unscrupulous rascal, and that is for sure. By the way, I intend to rescue Millie, the sheep, forthwith and see that the poor, abused creature finds a proper home and is allowed to live out the rest of her natural life on a quiet meadow somewhere without being harassed and assaulted by a perverted Scottish poet with an exaggerated sense of his own value and desirability. Enough is enough! The Twillingsgate Animal Rights Association, of which I am chairwoman, will take action against Mr Buggeroll and demand that the sheep be released into protective custody at once. Let Angelique have the scoundrel, I say, if she wants him, and spare the sheep. * PR |
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Subject: RE: BS: Twillingsgate rocked by scandal!!! From: GUEST,alinact Date: 06 Jun 03 - 01:15 PM Aw, come on you guys, speak English. I wanna know what's going on! Allan |
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Subject: RE: BS: Twillingsgate rocked by scandal!!! From: GUEST,Angelique Date: 06 Jun 03 - 01:17 PM Oui, madame! Certainement, prenez les moutons stupides dans la garde. Mais montre ce que vous dites au sujet de mon Malcolm! Il est un homme parmi les hommes, un véritable tigre, et je me tiendrai près de lui quand il vient à l'essai final, bien que j'aie l'intention de lui faire le souhait il était mort et dans l'enfer d'abord. Vous anglais ne m'effrayez pas. Vous manquez du caractère et de la chaleur. Vous êtes comme la céréale de petit déjeuner froide un jour pluvieux. Le Scots devrait vous avoir conquis il y a des siècles, mais ils étaient occupés à trop se combattant. Quel dommage! Angelique |
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Subject: RE: BS: Twillingsgate rocked by scandal!!! From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge Date: 06 Jun 03 - 01:25 PM I am a mademoiselle, Angelique, not a madame, and I think your taste in partners is lamentable, but that is your affaire. I expect I shall see you at the trial? Be advised that English justice moves slowly, and keep your emotions in check, else you may wear yourself out before the final lap, so to speak. Allan, you can easily secure a French-English translation by copying the text in question and going to Babelfish and pasting it in. Try this address: http://babelfish.altavista.com/babelfish/tr You will soon discover the wonders of French, a language in which it takes twice as long as necessary to say anything, but my! doesn't it sound lovely... :-) * PR |
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Subject: RE: BS: Twillingsgate rocked by scandal!!! From: GUEST,alinact Date: 06 Jun 03 - 01:31 PM Thank you Madamoiselle Penelope. (Can I call you Penny?) Allan |
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Subject: RE: BS: Twillingsgate rocked by scandal!!! From: GUEST,Angelique Date: 06 Jun 03 - 01:38 PM Pfui! Avec l'anglais, tout se déplace lentement. Vous verrez que je n'obtiens pas fatigué facilement, Mlle Rutledge! Angelique |
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Subject: RE: BS: Twillingsgate rocked by scandal!!! From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge Date: 06 Jun 03 - 01:44 PM Angelique - I daresay. Allan - Well...no one has called me that in years...but why not? Just don't start composing interminable romantic poems and sending them to me, like E.M. (Ever Madly...) does from time to time. I've got a lot on my plate right now, you see. *PR |
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Subject: RE: BS: Twillingsgate rocked by scandal!!! From: GUEST,alinact Date: 06 Jun 03 - 02:01 PM Yes, Penny, I can see your going to have your hands full with Mr Buggeroll, Millie and the people of Twillingsgate, so I will not take up any more of your time. Good luck in your endevours. Allan |
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Subject: RE: BS: Twillingsgate rocked by scandal!!! From: GUEST,A fan... Date: 06 Jun 03 - 02:55 PM I think people should have a chance to judge Macolm Buggeroll by his greatest accomplishment of all...his poetry. Here is a sample of it from 1997: The 35th Marrisonade Behold the verdant meadow! Spilling its seeds in incomprehensible riot Over the fair flanks of quiescent virgin Niobes of orgiastic splendour. Soft! There comes a footfall As of some fabled spirit queen Her tresses unloosed to the rising shaft Of dawn! "Methinks," cries the bard, "the game is afoot!" And was it merely yesterday that we knelt You and I Amid these primordial splendours Our senses tickled by the bleating Of distant farm animals Our nostrils bedecked with the pollinated Effulgence of the marrisonade Our hearts as one Engulfed in the puissant aroma Of eros? Nay! 'Twas an eon ago, or two 'Twas an epoch past A space in time A pause in creation Upon whose naked limbs rested The very grasp of all that is real And all that is...a passing dream. - a 1997 poem by Malcolm Buggeroll, the "Poet of the Highlands" (and just imagine it being read in a deep and rrrolling Scottish brogue! Sigh!) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Twillingsgate rocked by scandal!!! From: Liz the Squeak Date: 07 Jun 03 - 03:27 AM But how is the sheep? La mouton ca va? LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Twillingsgate rocked by scandal!!! From: GUEST,Angelique Date: 11 Jun 03 - 02:16 PM I, Angelique Forget, have arrive in Twillingsgate. I will write in English now as a concession to those who are not cultured enough to comprehend the French language. I do not know how long I will do this but we shall see. Twillingsgate is a snobby, pretentious little stuff English town with many old buildings, well kept. There are many palatial houses here of the rich, and they must have high ceilings so that these people don't bump their noses! I am lodge at the Vicar's Inn. It is fairly agreeable. I now plan my strategy. Word is that a terrific row is building at Hoarsbottom mansion, where the stupid sheep, Millie, is being held. The animal rights people are trying to arrange surrender of the sheep to protective custody. I hope they succeed. I want to see the back of that damned sheep as soon as possible. I will go incognito and observe. I need to get a look at this English bitch, Rutledge, who thinks she is so important. I am told that the pig, Winston Wellington-Jones, usually comes to the Vicar's Inn in the evenings to drink. I am watching for him. Malcom, do not despair! Your Angelique is on the way. You are an unfaithful, corrupt, two timing scoundrel and a dog, but I love you! Angelique |
