Songs with advice that is no help

Subject: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Joybell
Date: 11 Oct 03 - 09:45 PM

Many songs offer advice and then don't follow through. My personal favourite is "The Gambler" - "You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em..." Then he doesn't tell you how you know. There are lots probably. What are your favourites?

[Some song titles in this thread have been converted to links by a Mudelf.]

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Susanne (skw)
Date: 12 Oct 03 - 04:18 PM

Don't Get Married Girls :-)

(Well, I did heed that advice, but many girls don't!)

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: GUEST
Date: 12 Oct 03 - 06:18 PM

I Wish I Was Single Again - silly bugger turns right round and does it again!

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Joe_F
Date: 12 Oct 03 - 06:19 PM

"Keep on the Sunny Side" is not much help if the dark side is the inside.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Joybell
Date: 12 Oct 03 - 06:31 PM

Yes just how do you keep on the sunny side. Where is it? I've wondered about "Bridge over Troubled Water" - is he saying he wants to be walked on?

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 12 Oct 03 - 06:36 PM

On the Sunny Side of the Street... what is that all about? If I walked only on the sunny side of the street, I'd only be able to get into my home between dawn and mid afternoon, but could get into work any time of day! AND I'd get a headache from the sun, and probably heatstroke or sunburn as well.

LTS

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Joybell
Date: 12 Oct 03 - 06:41 PM

Hello Liz. What a great one.
It occurs to me that there are lots of songs with good advice about things you never wanted to do anyway. - Like "...if you want your finger bit, stick it at a possum." But it's another thread possibility perhaps.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 12 Oct 03 - 06:49 PM

Surely the real advice in The Gambler is intended to be "Don't gamble unless you know all those things" - and that is excellent advice.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Joybell
Date: 12 Oct 03 - 07:08 PM

He doesn't say that though. He says "For a drink of your whiskey I'll give you some advice" You wouldn't want to hand over your whiskey unless you were getting a better deal than advice about gambling surely. I don't drink whiskey so maybe I'm wrong. Anyway the singer seems to have thought the advice was to be used in a broader sense.
We have a performer here - Martin Pearson - who does a pretty good parody of "The Gambler" (just how do you do italics by the way?) He thinks the old man got a good deal and that was the whole point anyway. Martin's song has the line "....for a drink of your whiskey I promise I'll get drunk..." More honest really.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Willie-O
Date: 12 Oct 03 - 07:43 PM

The actually useful advice in The Gambler is the rest of the chorus.
Know when to walk away.
Know when to run.
Never count your money while its sitting on the table. That is excellent advice if the table is in a bar or other public place.

But to come up with other suggestions,

"Don't Come Home a-Drinkin' (With Lovin' on Your Mind)".

Not much help either but a pretty wise suggestion.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Joybell
Date: 12 Oct 03 - 07:52 PM

Very wise Willie-O. "Don't come home a-drinkin..." is an example of GOOD advice and VERY helpful. But "The Gambler" - HOW do you know when to run? When to walk away? I'm not speaking for myself. I never met a gambler on a train but I've collected information along the way. I think the best advice I ever got was from my True-love whose mother told him - "Never go out in the rain in your socks" Now that's what I call good advice.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 12 Oct 03 - 08:26 PM

Any song that has in its chorus any line about being home where various examples of native shrubs and trees are thriving.... why are you here singing about it? Shut up and go there!

Oh and that one, 'The water is wide' [Carrickfergus?] where the singer says they'll sing no more now until they've had a drink - the bugger goes on for another chorus? But you said..... GAH, what's the use!!!

LTS

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Amos
Date: 12 Oct 03 - 08:28 PM

Presumably if you keep the options in mind -- run, walk away, hold, fold -- remembering that you always have a choice, that choosing when to choose which will become second nature. If you live that long.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Mudlark
Date: 12 Oct 03 - 11:37 PM

And all that advice, out of any meaningful context, reminds me of a routine Bob Hope (I think) did in a movie, a western spoof. He, a tenderfoot, somehow got roped into one of those 30 paces at dawn shoot outs with the local fast draw. And the night before gets all this advice...keep the sun over his left shoulder, always draw from the right, etc...which he mumbles to himself the next morning, as he advances toward the desperado...all totally garbled, of course.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 12 Oct 03 - 11:44 PM

Ah Mudlark, that reminds me of Danny Kaye in The Jester - The potion with the poison is in the palslely with the... no... no...

Not so much as the ORIGINAL advice being no help, except that the attempted _remembering_ of it is of little real help...

Robin

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Joybell
Date: 13 Oct 03 - 08:36 AM

I always loved that Danny Kaye routine. Liz, that's "Carrickfergus" and yes, he does keep going after he says he'll sing no more 'till he gets a drink. Perhaps someone slipped him a quick swig between verses. But "The Water is Wide" does have a peculiar metaphor I reckon. She (and it's always she who sings it) says:

"I put my hand into the bush
Thinking the sweetest flower to find
But I pricked my finger to the bone
And left the sweetest flower alone." (so lovely, so sad!)

But it sounds like a bloke thing to do I've always thought.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Peter T.
Date: 13 Oct 03 - 08:47 AM

"If I were you I'd take a permanent vacation, He'la, He'la, my boyfriend's back" ---

"What are you going to do about it, Charlie?"

"Nothing. You should look after your own reputation, you conniving little slut."

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: GUEST,KB
Date: 13 Oct 03 - 10:09 AM

"Don't build your nest at the top of the tree" - well I had no intention of doing so - a nest my size would crash straight through the branches.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Jeri
Date: 13 Oct 03 - 10:32 AM

"Let no man steal your bonny bunch of thyme."

It's not nice to steal, but the stuff grows like a weed. Give the guy some - especially if he's making dinner for you.

Thyme as a metaphor for virginity is silly anyway. It comes back year after year and spreads all over the place. You can pluck hell out of it and it's STILL THERE. You're SUPPOSED to pluck it! Maybe "Touch-Me-Nots" would have been better, but the name's too hard to fit in a song.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Oct 03 - 12:01 PM

Don't Let Your Deal Go Down

I never understood what that meant.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 13 Oct 03 - 12:26 PM

In "Go to Sea No More" and many other sailor songs, you get the feeling that the singer will do exactly the same thing over and over again.

The same thing goes for "The House of the Rising Sun" where after exhorting others to do differently, the singer returns to New Orleans.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Joybell
Date: 13 Oct 03 - 06:55 PM

I've wondered about don't let your deal go down, come to think of it. Maybe that Gambler could have explained it but he died before becoming really helpful. I never seriously considered building my nest at the top of a tree either and thyme -- it does grow back.

What about "never place your affections on a green willow tree" Not only have I never thought of doing that but I've never seen a willow in any other color - unless it's dead and you wouldn't be likely to love a dead willow. Of course here willows are terrible weeds so come to think of it dead ones are quite appealing.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Joybell
Date: 13 Oct 03 - 07:01 PM

Oh I just spotted one on another thread. "All of Me. Why not take all of me?". He offers all the bits of his body - discreetly avoiding some bits. What is the poor girl supposed to do with his bits?

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 13 Oct 03 - 10:34 PM

Combine them with her bits... oh sorry, just thinking out loud...

:-)

Robin

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: GUEST,fishhd44
Date: 13 Oct 03 - 11:19 PM

always thought the Belafonte song...

"If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So from my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you"

was useless advice and maybe worse,
deliberately bad advice.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: LadyJean
Date: 14 Oct 03 - 01:29 AM

My mother used to sing a song that advised "never trust a sailor far above the knee." Which was pretty sound advice.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: katlaughing
Date: 14 Oct 03 - 01:45 AM

Don't Worry, Be Happy...

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Oct 03 - 01:58 AM

LTS...version of Carrickfergus i sing has TWO verses after the drinking line...

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: darkriver
Date: 14 Oct 03 - 02:06 AM

Come all ye young maidens, take warning from me

Don't place your affection, on a green, growin' tree...

I guess this would be a subcategory of this song category--the "take warning from me" song--from the "me" who made this here same mistake. Seem to be a lot of those, mostly in the Child ballads or in Appalachian songs.

doug

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Cluin
Date: 14 Oct 03 - 02:10 AM

hope you have got your shit together
hope you are quite prepared to die
looks like we're in for nasty weather
one eye is taken for an eye

don't go `round tonight
it's bound to take your life
there's a bad moon on the rise


Ain't a helluva lot we can do `bout it now, is there?

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 14 Oct 03 - 06:48 AM

It's probably nearly always "Don't do as I do - do as I say".

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: GUEST,KB
Date: 14 Oct 03 - 06:59 AM

"maids when you're young never wed an old man" - yeah, but what if he's rich???

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: GUEST,Crystal
Date: 14 Oct 03 - 07:54 AM

Then marry him and find a bit on the side!
Sorry Cynicism taking over.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 14 Oct 03 - 09:19 PM

The guy who made "Don't worry, be happy" ended his misery - definitely advice that was of no help. That makes that song probably best contender for No 1... :-)

Robin

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Joybell
Date: 14 Oct 03 - 09:43 PM

Ok Robin, I think you have a good point. Fits well into number one slot. Maybe sharing with keep on the sunny side.
Lady Jean your mother's song is "Bell Bottom Trousers" It is probably good advice although if you are an innocent maid and uneducated about birth control you would need a little more information and a bit less innuendo. Also it may depend on the length of your legs.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: annamill
Date: 14 Oct 03 - 10:06 PM

"don't go `round tonight
it's bound to take your life
there's a bad moon on the rise"

What? Cluin, I always thought that was
"there's a bathroom on the right"..

Well, anyway that's what it sound like to me.

;-)

Love, Annamill

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 15 Oct 03 - 06:11 PM

WOULD YOU HAVE A YOUNG VIRGIN in the DT, from D'Urfey's "Pills to Purge Melancholy" (c. 1720), gives advice on how to seduce various types of women. (Only the first verse is about virgins.) Unfortunately, I can't vouch for whether the advice is good, since virgins seldom have smickets nowadays.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: GUEST,pdq
Date: 15 Oct 03 - 06:49 PM

I always thought Richard and Mimi's "Pack Up Your Sorrows" sounded like good advice, but it begs the question "in what?"

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Joybell
Date: 15 Oct 03 - 06:59 PM

Well I suppose "your old kit-bag and Smile, Smile, Smile"

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Anarchy
Date: 15 Oct 03 - 07:00 PM

you have to put them in your smile? Do they fit sideways?? *deeply perturbed*

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: GUEST,pdq
Date: 15 Oct 03 - 07:19 PM

Now we need to figure out what a kit-bag is!

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Joybell
Date: 15 Oct 03 - 07:28 PM

So I suppose you don't remember lucifers either? "While you've a lucifer to light your fag smile boys that's the style!" If you haven't got a lucifer I suppose you're allowed to worry and you can leave your troubles all lying about the place in everyone's way.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: GUEST,pdq
Date: 15 Oct 03 - 09:56 PM

You really have to give up those fags, Joybell, and lucifer(s) too. People in Texas will talk.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Joybell
Date: 16 Oct 03 - 04:00 AM

Oh No! not the Texas connection. I love my friends in Texas. Is that Texas USA? or Texas New South Wales?

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: GUEST,Nigel
Date: 16 Oct 03 - 04:12 AM

"Keep your hand on your ha'penny"

Incomprehensible to the youth of today (€0.5 perhaps?)

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Joybell
Date: 16 Oct 03 - 04:16 AM

Oh yes I remember when you could get a halfpenny's worth of mixed lollies. Or a little iceblock in a cone. I can't believe I'm saying this, but truly I can!

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Charley Noble
Date: 16 Oct 03 - 04:58 PM

With regard to "that green willow tree":

The leaves they will wither and turn into dust,
There's not a man in ten thousand that a poor girl can trust.

I was always intrigued with "eggs and marrow bones" as a recipee for making old men blind but the song does go on to recommend that "if you (really) want to do him in, sneak up from behind," presumably with some heavy blunt object.

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 16 Oct 03 - 05:46 PM

#GUEST who has another 2 verses - yes, I bloody well thought you would!!!

Charley - a marrow bone is pretty hefty, get the neighbours in or the local stray dogs and you've got an untraceable blunt instrument.

Works equally well with a frozen leg of lamb which can then be cooked and disposed of in the same manner. A quaint and thoughtful touch is if you feed it to the investigating officers when they come to ask how the old man karked it.

LTS

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: GUEST,Kim C no cookie
Date: 16 Oct 03 - 05:48 PM

Get an ugly girl to marry you.

Subject: Lyr Add: ALWAYS KEEP AN EDGE ON YOUR KNIFE (C Lund
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 07 Dec 14 - 02:36 PM

You can hear this at YouTube.


ALWAYS KEEP AN EDGE ON YOUR KNIFE
As recorded by Corb Lund on "Hair in My Eyes like a Highland Steer"

Don't ever put your hat on the bed, son.
Never put your hat on the bed,
'Cause if your hat's on the bed,
You might wake up dead,
So don't you never put your hat on the bed.

But if you do, be sure it's upside down, son.
If you do, be sure it's upside down,
'Cause if there's any doubt,
It keeps the luck from runnin' out,
So if you do, be sure it's upside down.

Never throw a match when it's dry, son.
Never throw a match when it's dry.
Don't you never throw a match,
'Cause the grass might catch,
And burn three counties when it's dry.

And always keep an edge on your knife, son.
Always keep an edge on your knife,
'Cause a good sharp edge
Is a man's best hedge
Against the vague uncertainties of life.
Yes, a good sharp edge
Is a man's best hedge
Against the uncertain vagaries of life.

But I never could sharpen no knife
Like the one who give the advice.
Yodel-ay-hee, yodel-ay-hee, yodel-oo.

Well, never sell the old twenty-two, son.
Never sell the old twenty-two,
'Cause the old twenty-two
Shot a gopher or two,
So don't you never sell the old twenty-two.

But aim it to the left a little low, son.
Aim it to the left a little low,
'Cause the old iron sight
Fires high and to the right,
So aim it to the left a little low.

And always tip the glass when you pour, son.
Always tip the glass when you pour,
'Cause if you don't tip the glass,
Then the foam it comes fast
And runs from the table to the floor.

And always keep an edge on your knife, son.
Always keep an edge on your knife,
'Cause a good sharp edge
Is a man's best hedge
Against the vague uncertainties of life.
Yes, a good sharp edge
Is a man's best hedge
Against the uncertain vagaries of life.

But I never could sharpen no knife
Like the one who give the advice.
Yodel-ay-hee, yodel-ay-hee, yodel-oo.

Well, be sure to put your horse away dry, son.
Be sure to put your horse away dry,
'Cause a hot wet horse
Ain't healthy, of course,
So be sure to put your horse away dry.

And be sure to thaw the bit when it's cold, son.
Be sure to thaw the bit when it's cold,
'Cause if you don't thaw the bit,
Then your pony's tongue sticks
To the frozen metal bridle when it's cold.

Never judge a man by his clothes, son,
Never judge a man by his clothes.
You got to look through the dirt
And, Lord, judge him by his work,
So don't you never judge a man by his clothes.

And always keep an edge on your knife, son.
Always keep an edge on your knife,
'Cause a good sharp edge
Is a man's best hedge
Against the vague uncertainties of life.
Yes, a good sharp edge
Is a man's best hedge
Against the uncertain vagaries of life.

But I never could sharpen no knife
Like the one who give the advice.
Yodel-ay-hee, yodel-ay-hee, yodel-oo.
And I never could sharpen no blade
Quite the way he sayed.
Yodel-ay-hee, yodel-ay-hee, yodel-oo.
[more yodeling]