BS: Internet Lotharios... A Cautionary Tale

Subject: BS: Internet Lotharios... A Cautionary Tale
From: maggiethecat
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 03:51 AM

I want to write a warning here to all women (and I'm sure on occasion men) who have found themselves intrigued by someone they've met via the "net".

I just had the experience of being "involved" with someone via a website. I did what most people do when they want to believe that someone is who and what they say they are. I wanted to find someone to love. Unfortunately what I found was someone who was willing to emotionally manipulate me by telling me the things I wanted to hear. Compliments can be dangerous, especially if they are expressed by someone who knows just how to give them. And if they come from someone who seems to be honest and wanting to give of themselves, it can be very alluring.

This person went much further than compliments, though, and offered me himself in the form of a mate. I went on a roller coaster experiencing the happiness of companionship, then outbursts of anger followed by distance. I turned to a friend to discuss this issue. Its then we both found out we weren't his "one true love". We had both been on the same roller coaster of receiving intense affection then anger, then distance. After each fight, when he had said something mean or hurtful, he begged me not to tell anyone at the website what had happened.

Now I understand why.


Thanks for reading.
Maggie

Subject: RE: BS: Internet Lotharios... A Cautionary Tale
From: Kaleea
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 03:58 AM

Geez, Maggie, sounds like a very painful experience. I hope that folks will be helped by your telling of this difficult thing. I suppose that is one reason why "chemistry" is what happens--or not--when people meet in person. We have to physically meet live & in the flesh.

Subject: RE: BS: Internet Lotharios... A Cautionary Tale
From: beardedbruce
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 04:01 AM

Sorry that this happened to you- but is it any different from real life, other than you can't spit in his eye?

I lost a muse once, after finding I could not trust what she said. The internet makes it easier to find people, but no greater number are trustworthy than in real life.

Sonnet 20/02/01                                DXXXVI

How can I write you verse, when all I see
May be but mask? What visage will you show,
To fool those who seek your smile? You are free
To be who you would wish, but can you know
How cruel deception is? I cannot trust
What you have told me: Your words have now lost
What value heart had placed. My dreams are dust,
And voices quiet: that is falsehood's cost.
I had only your words to know you by,
And now have nothing. Do your eyes reveal
How you might feel? Is this the reason why
You stay at such a distance, to fate seal?
I know not if you try to be so cruel,
But you make one who cares feel like a fool.

Subject: RE: BS: Internet Lotharios... A Cautionary Tale
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 04:17 AM

I met a lovely woman via the internet chat rooms...went to visit her at her request and all went really well. After a few days, she was talking as if we were an item and I suppose I was flattered so I put on my rose coloured spectacles. She was much younger than me, a chronic Diabetic who had a hysterectomy only weeks before we met. Her husband had been fired for molesting a woman whilst at work and she had dissed him. So in fact she was just looking for someone to fill the gap...a knight in shining armour to "rescue" her and her children. After a few months and in spite of a huge age gap...we married. Her health improved, she now had me to babysit her two children at times, one of whom was partially blind.
The marriage was destined to fail...but me..at my age failed to see the initial risks. She asked me to leave last year.
I suddenly found out that I had been "the rescuer" all my life from the days when I used to repair birds legs and wings only for them to fly away when well....so that's how my life has been...one long time of rescuing and being left or asked to leave. I thought I was a real failure...but now.....I am happy to be on my own and doing so many things that I didn't do whilst "involved" with others. If I ever get involved with another woman, it will be someone who wants me for me and not for herself....hope that makes sense. I do feel a bit of a fool for not realising my "weakness" but it has now made me very strong. My faith has also played a huge part in my healing.
Best wishes.

Subject: RE: BS: Internet Lotharios... A Cautionary Tale
From: GUEST,rollin'hills
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 08:07 AM

I see you're being careful not to mention the website, Maggie, but I for one would like to know if it's someone here at Mudcat.

I'd hate to think that some SOB is hassling our ladies. I have a feeling you might be too wary to say who it is, but if I find out I'd have no problem in naming and shaming the jackass.

Subject: RE: BS: Internet Lotharios... A Cautionary Tale
From: GUEST
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 08:41 AM

If it is love, companionship, respect, and appreciation you are seeking in your life, why not try volunteering instead of internet romance (which is a highly overrated form of addiction, actually)?

I guarantee your results will be VERY much more positive.

Subject: RE: BS: Internet Lotharios... A Cautionary Tale
From: GUEST,rollin'hills
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 09:41 AM

I agree, GUEST, that you take your chances when you correspond with someone via the "net" but if someone is hanging around the chatroom and taking advantage of ANYONE by pretending to be a nice guy and then being an abusive jerk, I don't blame the victim, I blame the jerk.

Subject: RE: BS: Internet Lotharios... A Cautionary Tale
From: GUEST
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 10:06 AM

Sorry for your pain Maggie. A sod is a sod is a sod. They exist in real life too. More's the pity. Having been the subject of stalking in real life I now treat my email address with the same respect I give to my home tel number and home address. I just give it to those I know and trust. You can never trust someone until you look them in the eyes.

Subject: RE: BS: Internet Lotharios... A Cautionary Tale
From: GUEST,Twice Shy
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 10:19 AM

Sorry tales and wise words from everyone who has learned from their experiences. As in the 3D world, there are going to be all kinds of characters online in web communities for any subject or interest area, whether it is music, history, a sport, whatever.

My particular cautionary tale is not so much about an internet lothario as an internet scrounger. We "met" and "chatted" online (not any kind of dating site, but a website dedicated to a particular subject interest)and this very friendly person, who was known face-to-face to lots of the people on the site (which made him, in my mind, an OK person)came to stay "a couple of nights" in my house. Before his arrival, the 2 nights had been extended to nearly a week, his "reason" being that he could get a special ticket reduction that way, rather than travelling by car. He visited again, and the same thing happened. I paid for all food and outings, there was never any offer from him to treat for anything, no small gift (even though there was a child in the house), no thank you when he left. Not even the slightest suggestion of a reciprocal invitation to stay with him, even though he lived alone in his own house. I travelled hundreds of miles to a weekend event near where he lived, where he knew a lot of the people and I knew no-one. We met up briefly at the start and he then ignored and dodged me for the whole event. I wonder whether he ever realized why I never communicated with him online or offline again.

Online and offline I have met wonderful, loving people. For all the many of those, inevitably there are going to be a few takers and users like this guy who take advantage of other people: Serial scroungers who spend long weekend after long weekend visiting kind people all over the country and spend very little time in their own home spending their own money and never invite anyone back. If they are clever at it, they spread themselves around just enough that no-one realizes what their game is ! Beware of "friendly" online scroungers !

Subject: RE: BS: Internet Lotharios... A Cautionary Tale
From: LilyFestre
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 10:22 AM

Aww Maggie,

That's plain rotten. ((((HUGS))))))

    I too was visited by a stalker....never gave him my real name, address or phone number...he found me anyway. The man was really off his rocker....flew from California to Vermont and showed up at my door at midnight on my birthday...just as he threatened to do. Not only that, he booked a MONTH at a hotel in a ski resort town. When he made the threats, I took it to folks who said it was just some clown trying to scare me. Scare me, he did. When he showed up at my door I immediately dialed the police...they didn't believe me and thought they might send someone over as soon as the shift change was over. They hung up and called me a few minutes later and heard this guy banging on my door and screaming at me....they showed up just as the door lock was giving way.

Be careful with personal info.....there are some really scary folks out there. I'm sorry that you met one.

Michelle

Subject: RE: BS: Internet Lotharios... A Cautionary Tale
From: katlaughing
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 10:23 AM

{{{{{{{{Maggie}}}}}}}}}

I would urge you both to report it to the site administrators, at least. If it were me, I'd out him to the other members, esp. the women. Who knows how many others he's done this to?

On the other hand, it is good to know that these things can really be real and end up in something good, such as Kendall and Jacqui; CarolC and Jack the Sailor. Of course, not until they'd actually met in person.

Georgiansilver, goodonya!

kat

Subject: RE: BS: Internet Lotharios... A Cautionary Tale
From: GUEST,Angie
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 11:00 AM

I think of a couple I knew who had had a volatile, destructive relationship. Each vigorously blamed the other party. One found a peaceful long term relationship again, with a different type of person. The other did not.

Many problems in life come from not being able to let go.

Subject: RE: BS: Internet Lotharios... A Cautionary Tale
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 12:35 PM

My wife and I gasped in dismay when our thrice-divorced (from two husbands) daughter announced she had "found a fella" on the net, then let him move in with her and her three kids. Well, he was hers, and we crossed our fingers and hoped.

Strangely enough, he's a pretty good guy--not perfect, but which one of us is?--and they have now been married about three years. Much better than the previous two losers, who were met in 3-D.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Internet Lotharios... A Cautionary Tale
From: Little Hawk
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 01:47 PM

Good lord, it's risky enough getting romantically involved with people you meet face-to-face in everyday life, let alone doing it with people you've just met in cyberspace! I would barely even consider doing so...and I've had the odd person flirt with me on the Net. Forget it.

I do know of some individuals who've been lucky in this, however. Good for them. I guess they have really good karma or something. I don't think mine's that good when it comes to romance...in my experience, romance brings a cup or two of happiness followed by an ocean of pain and regret. I don't think it's my chosen field of expertise in this life. (sigh) I resigned willingly from "playing the field" some time ago, and have been putting my efforts into other aspects of life instead.

Subject: RE: BS: Internet Lotharios... A Cautionary Tale
From: Maryrrf
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 02:31 PM

I know that internet relationships can be serious from the experience of several people I know. Not to trivialize but there is a funny song about that (I heard Murray McCleod sing it at the Wee Folk Club in Edinburgh). It's in the DT under "The Lily of the Net" (a spoof of the Lily of the West).

Subject: RE: BS: Internet Lotharios... A Cautionary Tale
From: CarolC
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 07:13 PM

I think the mistake is more in looking for someone to love than it is in where one actually looks for it. If you go looking in the 3D world, you're just as apt to have unpleasant experiences as if you go looking on the 'net. I've certainly had my share of those.

In our case, we weren't really looking for anything. We just gradually got to know each other and over the course of about a year, we found that we had become best friends. We didn't discover a deeper connection until after we were already best friends.

Subject: RE: BS: Internet Lotharios... A Cautionary Tale
From: Little Hawk
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 07:30 PM

That is a good method all right, Carol. Don't look at all. Don't worry about it. If it happens, best that it happen naturally, and friendship is the best foundation for that.

Subject: RE: BS: Internet Lotharios... A Cautionary Tale
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 09:55 PM

Since the mid-90s I've been pretty active with the Internet and scholarly discussion groups. There are always a few folks you hit it off with and end up emailing back and forth, sans the list. I have several friends who I consider very close, who I've exchanged emails with almost daily for years. Not necessarily long posts, and not literally every day, but in spurts, depending on how the school year is going and as time allows. I don't feel inclined to enter into a romance with any of them, but by the same token, I feel confident enough in my relationships with them that if I ended up in any of their towns, or they ended up here, I would not be uncomfortable having them as a houseguest or helping if they found themselves in need of assistance (within reason, of course!). But this is a small world in many ways, and these folks are all "friends of friends," we know people in common, and that does make a big difference.

Understanding all too well the power of the written and spoken word, there has to be a test of time to help make a judgement about those incorporeal friends.

Mudcat is certainly a fine example of how this can work--some members have been here long enough and we've read their messages through thick and thin, to know if they're "okay" as far as seeing them face to face. In general this is a pretty low risk group (but remind me if I ever get to Hull not to park my bike next to jOhn9s garden or he might throw one of those bricks at me!).

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: Internet Lotharios... A Cautionary Tale
From: Deckman
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 10:14 PM

I opened this thread almost dreading what I expected to see, and I now read this thread with mixed feelings:

Here in the Greater seattle area, I'm frequantly somewhat amused when I hear on the evening news that some local man has been successfully nailed by a woman policman who engadged in an internet conversation with him, gave him enough rope, and he hung himself.

Then I usually, just as quickly, think that there must be another side to the story ... the victims. This is NOT a pretty scene, 'nor one I wish to dwell on.

However, MC is such an open forum, and so much personal information is out there, that I guess I should wonder that it doesn't happen more often.

But maybe it does and I just don't know about it.

If it turns out that a MC member is using this forum for this purpose, we all have some very serious questions to ask. Bob(deckman)Nelson

Subject: RE: BS: Internet Lotharios... A Cautionary Tale
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 10:34 PM

You're right, Bob, but think about it another way: we are a group of people who are connected by the Mudcat, and many of us were able to meet and greet Marion last summer as she traversed the U.S. in her busking tour. I consider the fact that this network could look out for her and keep her going in her travels, even though many of us had never met her, as a very good example of what can be accomplished via the Internet. Wouldn't you agree? I thought it was wonderful to be able to share vicariously and literally in her adventure. We simply have to be careful in the adventures we choose to particiapte in.

Maggie (SRS)

Subject: RE: BS: Internet Lotharios... A Cautionary Tale
From: Teresa
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 11:00 PM

I don't think the Internet is a more dangerous place for interaction than RL (real life. It has its dangers, just like anything else. It runs the gamut of Mudcat at one end and seedy chat rooms at the other. RL has seedy s**t-holes and cozy folk clubs. Just be vigilant. In the absense of seeing other folk face-to-face, ask all the pertinent questions before you dive into relationships. Visit in a neutral place the first time you meet. I learned to do this when dating in RL, too. And I don't answer the door by immediately opening it when someone knocks either; I always ask who is there.

T

Subject: RE: BS: Internet Lotharios... A Cautionary Tale
From: maggiethecat
Date: 22 Sep 04 - 04:45 AM

You've shared some interesting points, and thank you.

I've learned an important lesson.

And no, I'm not going to name his name. If he should be at mudcat and read this thread, I hope he'll do some soul searching and not prey again.

I've also met some wonderful people via the "net" but they are certainly not my only source of friendships. Perhaps it's the thought that there are people in the world, both on and offline who could be so hurtful that was my main concern, but there are, and sometimes we're unlucky to come across them.

Maggie

Subject: RE: BS: Internet Lotharios... A Cautionary Tale
From: Peg
Date: 22 Sep 04 - 08:10 AM

Yeah, we all want to think people are being honest but unfortunately some people just push to see what they can get away with. Even harder to understand are the people who seem to "get off" on manipulating others with lies, etc.

Count me among the people who have made some good travel contacts on Mudcat and been grateful for a place to stay and people to share music and meals with. When I announced a trip to England where I would be grateful for a clean spot on the floor and a sink to wash in, I was offered hospitable lodgings from a number of people,too many offers to accept. Some of the folks still offer me a bed when I go there and we always have a great time. I have offered them the same. Some even offered me long-term accomodation if I decided to enroll in an aromatherapy course. It's hard to fathom this kind of generosity but there ya go. Some online communities by their very nature contain genuinely nice people (like this folk music site)--some don't. The trick is to learn how to gauge sincerity in people...not easy to do online.

Subject: RE: BS: Internet Lotharios... A Cautionary Tale
From: Joe_F
Date: 22 Sep 04 - 02:48 PM

@displaysong.cfm?SongID=6604

Subject: RE: BS: Internet Lotharios... A Cautionary Tale
From: Amos
Date: 22 Sep 04 - 04:27 PM

That song (Lily of the Net) is a real side-splittin', beautifully turned piece of work!! LOL!


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