BS: A brief history of the world, eh?

Subject: BS: A brief history of the world, eh?
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 03:18 PM

I am gonna now give my vershun of world history. Listen up!

Okay. History began with the first man and woman, eh? Some say it was Adam and Eve. I ain't sure, but I figger it don't matter what their names were, eh? The point is, Adam was FORCED to have sex with Eve when he seen her without the fig leaf, eh? Know what I mean? He couldn't help himself, eh?

Okay. So then God got mad and kicked 'em out of like paradise, eh, because they had done it out of wedlock. or somethin' like that. I'm not sure. Anyway, they had discovered somethin' good so they just kept on begattin' and begattin' like cats in heat and the human race was started off at a good clip. Decent!

After awhile it got to be too many people, so God was FORCED to send a big flood and drown just about everyone. Wow! I would like to of seen that! If I had the powers I would send a flood like that on Quebec and then we wouldn't have so much fRench and English trouble here, eh? There was a smart guy called Noah and he built a real big houseboat and rode outthe flood. Noah was also into sex bigtime so he and his wife got things rolling again after the waters went down, eh?

Okay. Soon there were lots more poeple everywhere. For some reason some of them starting speakin' French! That led to confusion bigtime. RThey had to print all the labels in both English and French. It led to troubles we still have today. They had built a huge tower but couldn't get it done because nobody could understand what the hell the other guys was sayin' eh? Flippin' Frogs! By this time the French had mutated into 25 other flippin' languaages and nobody knew what the flip was goin' on! God couldn't take it no more. He was forced to send some terrorists with a thunderbolt and they knocked down the flippin' tower of Babel and scattered the people acrost the world!

Things got real complicated after that. You got Alexander the Greek, Orange Julius Siezer runnin' around conkering the Barberians and then ya got Jesus gettin' crucified and stuff. It's a lot to cover, so I am just gonna gloss over that part. Look it up on the Net, okay?

Then ya got the Dark Ages when there was no electricity. People were forced to freeze their butts off in the winter for almost like a thousand years!

Then ya got the rise of modern empires, eh? The Spanish had a kick at the can but got beat by Sir Francis Bacon when he sank the Armada. England basically was forced to take over the world. Napoleon came along and he was the smartest flippin' Frenchman that the world ever seen! He conkered most of Eurup, but he couldn't take Russia. They froze him out. Then England kicked him in the family jewels and that was the end of that. The French ain't been worth a fart in a hurricane since then, eh?

The English kinda slipped up when they dumped a whole lot of tea in Boston Harbour, cos it was against the vironmental regulations, eh? Besides, Americans mostly like beer and coffee. So the Americans were forced to have a, like, revolution and the USA came into being! This meant major trouble bigtime for everybody excpet the USA.

The USA was soon forced to kill most of the Indians and take their lands, and was also FORCED to take half of Mexico. They tried to take Canada too, but we kicked their flippin' asses! Decent!

So that takes us up to the modern times. This nutcase called Hitler took over in Germany and the Germans was forced to invade just about everybody they could until finally they got Canada mad! We flippin' got together with England and the USA and kicked their asses! Totally decent!

Russia had a small part in it too, eh? Actually some big battles, I guess. And there was Japan... Sheesh! I am gettin' flippin' bored and sorry I even started this. I hate history.

Anyway, then the USA was forced to have a Cold War with Russia and, like, China because they were, like, Communists, eh? Communists are bad. With the help of Canada the Communists were finally beat and the Cold War ended. Majorly decent!

They the flippin' War on Terrorism started when somebody (God? Saddam? Howie Mandell?) was forced to send terrorists and knock down the WTC towers. Just like the Tower of Babel, only two of them.

The way I see it, history just repeats itself, eh? Get ready fer more of the same, have a beer and a smile, and shut the flip up!

- BDiBR

Subject: RE: BS: A brief history of the world, eh?
From: Bill D
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 03:29 PM

well...durn...not exactly 'precise', but it would likely get a C- in most High School history classes these day...sadly..

Subject: RE: BS: A brief history of the world, eh?
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 03:46 PM

BDinBR, You missed some bits out - hope this helps

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Graity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. The the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplary of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.

Subject: RE: BS: A brief history of the world, eh?
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 04:34 PM

Holy FLIP, staww lenged...you are GOOD!!! That rates a "A" in my book. If I was still in school I would crib that stuff for my own history essay, eh? I am, like, aweed!

If it wasn't for Isaac Walton and gravity we wouldn't have any WalMarts today cos there wouldn't be no way to hold them down on the parkin' lots, eh?

- BDiBR

Subject: RE: BS: A brief history of the world, eh?
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 06:25 PM

Don't forget the a lot of the stuff for the nukes that the US now has was mined up in Canada. And that Canada just ate British arctic expeditions for like years and years.

Subject: RE: BS: A brief history of the world, eh?
From: GUEST,Lucky Pierre
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 07:05 PM

I wanna know how did the Canadians get their land from the Indians?

Did they just ask for it? I know for a fact that the Americans bought Manhattan for about $26 bucks but the rest of it I don't know how they got it.

Lucky

Subject: RE: BS: A brief history of the world, eh?
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 07:25 PM

Pierre, eh? I bet your French aren't you, Pierre? Pierre voulez-vooz un cracker? Parlee Voos le Fransays??? Well ferget it cos I don't! Arf! Arf!

So how did the Canadians get their land from the Indians? Well, first off we traded stuff for it. Mostly booze and axes and stuff, I think. Them poor Indians weren't used to dealin' with guys from Bay Street, see, so they kinda got the short end of the stick. We only, like, had one real Indian war after the French and English were finished fightin' over the place and that one didn't amount to much. It was that Louis Riel guy that started it, and he was a Matey. It means half-Indian, I guess. Or else it means a sailor...

Anyways, it was mostly a case of tricky dealin's by outfits like Hudson's Bay Company, Inco, Dofasco, P.L.Robertson, Seagrams and that sort. The Indians was basically honest, so they lost out and got stuck on little flippin' reserves, but we made sure to put a booze outlet close to each one cos we are nice guys, basically, eh?

So...time went by and the Indians got a lot smarter. They are now buildin' casinos and takin' the whites for all they got! I figger in another 50 years the INdians will buy up the whole flippin' country, but I will be dead by then so I don't care!

Meanwhile, I got my sights set on marryin' Shania Twain, becomin' a famous rock star, and gettin' my own TV show, like Ozzie. I will call it "Get Wasted" and it will ROCK! I will be remembered as a very cool guy long after my basic values have passed inta history.

- BDiBR

Subject: RE: BS: A brief history of the world, eh?
From: GUEST,Coventry Carol
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 07:30 PM

Spare us this (and the Chongo) tripe Little Hawk.
It's only funny to you.

Subject: RE: BS: A brief history of the world, eh?
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 07:49 PM

Yeah? Well, it's way funnier than you are, dipwad! To put it another way...eat me.

- BDiBR

Subject: RE: BS: A brief history of the world, eh?
From: katlaughing
Date: 13 Dec 04 - 12:02 AM

Got my Frenchie-Canuck hubby laughin' good, eh?! Thanks BDiBR!!

Subject: RE: BS: A brief history of the world, eh?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Dec 04 - 09:35 AM

GUEST,Lucky Pierre, said:

I know for a fact that the Americans bought Manhattan for about $26 bucks but the rest of it I don't know how they got it.

That transaction is usually used to refer to whites cheating the Indians, but it's the other way around in this case.

It seems the Dutch (or whoever it was) were cheated. They "bought" the island from some Indians who had no claim to it, who were just passing through.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: A brief history of the world, eh?
From: Pete Jennings
Date: 13 Dec 04 - 09:52 AM

Bloody right they had no claim to it. It belonged to, and was named after, my great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, grandfather Anahata. He was a frenchie so they called him M. Anahata but they couldn't spell it right on account of them not being able to parlayvoo.

I've still got the deeds somewhere. Should be worth a least fifty quid by now.

Subject: RE: BS: A brief history of the world, eh?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Dec 04 - 09:55 AM

Fascinating. I think if Shane were put in charge of Canadian History it would be a far more popular subject with many students.

Subject: RE: BS: A brief history of the world, eh?
From: Dead Horse
Date: 13 Dec 04 - 07:50 PM

So what have the Romans ever done for us, eh?

Subject: RE: BS: A brief history of the world, eh?
From: Cluin
Date: 14 Dec 04 - 03:06 AM

Don't go there again.

Subject: RE: BS: A brief history of the world, eh?
From: Schantieman
Date: 14 Dec 04 - 04:28 AM

Of course we're forgetting Sir Francis of Assissississi who circumcised the world with a forty-foot clipper.

Steve

Subject: RE: BS: A brief history of the world, eh?
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 14 Dec 04 - 11:21 PM

Wasn't he, like, the first Secartary Treasurer of the United Nations?

Subject: RE: BS: A brief history of the world, eh?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 08:17 AM

The Concise History of the Universe:

Boom!

ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Boom!

Subject: RE: BS: A brief history of the world, eh?
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 11:46 AM

If Tsaac Walton invented gravity then it must have been Isaac Newton who invented fishing. My history teacher got it all wrong again. Th'only thing is how did he find time to do all this inventing and sire the whole cast of a TV programme?

Wonderful thing, knowledge.

Subject: RE: BS: A brief history of the world, eh?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 11:58 AM

Yes, that is a question to be pondered, isn't it?

Subject: RE: BS: A brief history of the world, eh?
From: DMcG
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 12:33 PM

Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration according to Thomas Edison. But many scientists and writers also mention the "Eureka moment" - that flash of inspiration when everything is falls into place.

If both of these are true, then the Eureka moment is at most a few seconds - let's say 5. So the 99% perspiration is only 495 seconds or about 8 and a half minutes.

Plenty of time left over to "sire the whole cast of a TV programme"!

Subject: RE: BS: A brief history of the world, eh?
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 06:58 AM

I just wish that I could get my flashes of perspiration to last 8 and a half minutes. Eureka doesn't last 5 seconds it just takes 5 seconds to get there (on a good day with a following wind).

Just had a mental picture of Isaac Newton fishing and using an apple for bait, and Isaac Walton sitting under a tree inventing gravity by having a fish fall on his head. These new tablets are GOOOOODDDD!