BS: Beer will run out!!!

Subject: BS: Beer will run out!!!
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 06 Feb 05 - 05:11 PM

This was, like, sent to me by a pal I can trust, eh?

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, February 6, 2005, in The Barrie Advance

SOONER OR LATER, THE BEER WILL RUN OUT!!!

By Bolt Upwrite

IN SOME YEAR ahead - and by no means one necessarily that far ahead - we'll go through another hot summer like the last one, but with one critical distinction that will make all the difference, even though it will have nothing to do with the weather.

Assume that we experience the same prolonged, extreme heat and high humidity we had last year, right across the country.

But assume, as well, that in that year the beer with which we fight off that heat and humidity, is having to be rationed. Rationing doesn't here mean actual physical rationing, with householders and car drivers limited to so many litres a month.
It means, instead, rationing by price. As beer supplies dwindle, not in themselves (or not for a long time) but in relation to demand, so will the price at first escalate, and then soar.
That's bound to happen. It will happen because the demand for beer is bound to outstrip the supply of beer, and of hard liquor and wine and of other alcoholic beverages.

Statistics Canada reckons that this "tilting point" won't happen until 2012. Its calculation is widely criticized, with its forecasts for increases in demand dismissed as far too conservative.
One well-known beerologist and sportscaster, Don Cherry, has put the tilting point at 2010, or little more than a half-decade away. Another, Rooster Small, forecasts that it will occur this year!

The basic facts are these: The entire world now both produces and consumes some 750 million barrels of beer a day.
By 2012, demand is expected to increase by more than two-thirds, or by another 495 million barrels a day.
This extra demand simply cannot be met. We would have to find and develop the equivalent of 10,000 new North American breweries in just a decade. Even if Aberta's prairies are fully devoted to supplying the beer industry, with almost unlimited new investment and new technology, it could only produce an extra 26 million barrels, or a mere 5.2% of the amount needed.

Certainly, new supplies of beer are being found in places such as Siberia, the Central Asian Republics and West Africa. But these are not net additions to the total output. At the same time, production from all existing super-giant and giant hops fields is contracting by four to five per cent a year.

Additional supplies could be generated from farming front lawns in suburban areas, but this would likely only add a further 2 % of the amount needed.

Other potential supplies, such as polar ice beer and anaerobic beer produced in space are horrendously expensive.

The real problem isn't supply, though. It's demand. Last year, one element of the demand equation clicked into place. In 2003, China overtook the USA and Canada put together to become the world's largest consumer of beer. The International Energy Agency describes China as "the major driver of global beer demand growth."
The U.S. remains the world's best known beer guzzling nation, despite producing totally substandard, watered down, pathetically poor beer. It consumes about one-seventh of global production. Canada, relatively, is as liberal and as wasteful in its consumption of beer, particularly due to consumption in North Ontario. A computer model shows the small community of Blind River, Ontario as having the highest per capita consumption of beer in the entire world.

A bit surprisingly, President George W. Bush, himself a beer drinker, has actually expressed some concern about the issue. He's said, "It's becoming very clear that demand is outstripping supply. We may have to 'take out' Blind River sometime soon. My people at the Pentagon are looking at the problem very seriously."

In fact, a lot could be done. Tax loopholes could be closed, like the one that makes the beer industry artificially attractive.
Regulations could mandate higher alcohol content standards, thus requiring less beer consumption to get "half in the bag". Tax incentives could motivate beer drinkers to improve their drinking efficiency.

Other remedies could range from minimizing couch sprawl to developing alternatives to getting "p*ssed", such as neighborhood pot parties.

Don Cherry reckons that Canada's beer imports, of some 11 million barrels a day, could be cut by half.

Bush, though, has done nothing about the problem other than to mutter that it does exist, and no Democratic presidential candidate has dared to mention the subject. The reason is obvious: The last politician to talk seriously about beer conservation, Jimmy Carter in 1977, was trounced in the next presidential election.
Nothing is going to happen until the crisis of beer demand outstripping beer supply is clear, unmistakable and urgent.
And by then it may be too late.

Too late, that is, to avoid what former British hospitality minister B. Luddy Wellpiste forecasts will be "the sharpest and perhaps the most violent dislocation (of society) in recent history."

So enjoy today's weather.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, it's me now. Shane. I am totally flippin' freakin' here! This is flippin' BAD! This could mean the flippin' end of life as we flippin' know it! I am so flippin' freaked that my hands are shakin'.

Tonight me and Don are gonna put together every flippin' cent we got and buy beer to stash away. Then we are gonna break into the Beer Stores in Spanish and Sudbury after midnight and get more. We intend to be prepared. We will still be chuggin' while the rest of youse fry helplessly in the heat. We might sell some of ours after the crash and get rich, but money only goes so far, eh? My guess is, it's gonna become priceless. You can't flippin' drink dollar bills, eh?

I didn't flippin' think I would live to see nothin' this awful. I am seriously bummed out here, eh? Seriously.

- BDiBR

Subject: RE: BS: Beer will run out!!!
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Feb 05 - 05:15 PM

BDiBR, it'll only be your beer until I get thirsty. Then I'll come and take it away from you and make you sober up.

Subject: RE: BS: Beer will run out!!!
From: Raedwulf
Date: 06 Feb 05 - 07:01 PM

A) You don't know what beer actually is (I pity you).

B) Where does it say that the barley supply will diminish? So no beer problem then...

C) You don't know what beer actually is (you're obviously Yank, I pity you! ;-) )

D) Brew your own. It's not difficult. Problem solved...

Subject: RE: BS: Beer will run out!!!
From: 42
Date: 06 Feb 05 - 07:23 PM

Raedwulf

BDiBR is definitely not a Yank! He is also not much of a beer drinker...couple of 12 packs is his limit then he's a complete toad. (not likely to get the Princess's kiss either.)

j

Subject: RE: BS: Beer will run out!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 06 Feb 05 - 07:57 PM

LOL! I love it. Imagine a guy like that not knowing what beer actually IS, when it's his main reason for living! Shane is Canadian, ALL Canadian, 100% Canadian North Ontario meathead and proud of it. I fear that he is too lazy to brew his own beer, but I guess it would all depend on how badly he wanted it. After all, he has proven capable of growing and harvesting pot. But that's awfully easy. Brewing beer is more challenging.

Subject: RE: BS: Beer will run out!!!
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 06 Feb 05 - 08:14 PM

Gimme a flippin' break! Okayk...Redwolf...so it's barley that beer is made from. Big flippin' deal. I knew that. I did, eh? I know beer.

The PROBLEM hwere is basic, eh?:

Number 1 - The Chinese are drinkin' WAY too much flippin' beer! That ain't natcheral, and I beleeve it will lead to war.

Number 3 - Bush is threatenin' Blind River. We will kick his ass if he ever trys it! He ain't seen nothin' yet in Eye-Rack!

I am still worried about it, so me and Don are hordeing all the beer possible just in case. And I ain't lazy! Not when I don't need to be, eh? So just flip off, Hawkster! Yer jealous coz you can't chug even ONE beer, man. You are pathetic.

- BDiBR

Subject: RE: BS: Beer will run out!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 06 Feb 05 - 08:14 PM

Ha! Only a Brit would mistake a Canuck for a Yank.

Subject: RE: BS: Beer will run out!!!
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Feb 05 - 11:39 PM

BD, you're probably drinking something like Budweiser or Molson or some other sort of the tepid, vapid dogpiss that passes for beer up there. Try some REAL beer and it'll knock your socks off (which might be a good thing, 'cause then they could be washed). Try some Alaska Amber, or Blue Canoe, or Moose Drool, or Guinness, or even some Real Ale from the UK.

'Course, you won't, 'cause you're a phony beer drinker.

Subject: RE: BS: Beer will run out!!!
From: Peace
Date: 06 Feb 05 - 11:45 PM

No, nothin' phony about BD. He's a Canadian beer drinker. Drinks it at a urinal so's he doesn't have to keep crawlin' back and forth from the floor in front of the TV to the bathroom. He's quite famous in Canada. Known all over Ontario. Well, at least the Blind River part of Ontario. He's not the stupid arsehole eveyone thinks he is. He's not stupid at all.

Subject: RE: BS: Beer will run out!!!
From: Peace
Date: 07 Feb 05 - 12:27 AM

Just stickin' up fer ya, BD.

Subject: RE: BS: Beer will run out!!!
From: Ebbie
Date: 07 Feb 05 - 01:05 AM

Give us an instance, brucie. Give us an instance.

Subject: RE: BS: Beer will run out!!!
From: Teresa
Date: 07 Feb 05 - 03:35 AM

BDiBR, like, brew your own, eh? Maybe then you could start you a little business and sell some, too. Assuming you don't drink it all, eh?

Now, everyone, whatever you do, don't ever say the beer in canada is bad. That could start a war, eh? :)

Teresa

Subject: RE: BS: Beer will run out!!!
From: GUEST,Jonnylove
Date: 07 Feb 05 - 10:11 AM

BD is that old homosexual from that other thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Beer will run out!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 07 Feb 05 - 11:43 AM

Hey BDiBR, I feel your pain.

I was in Ontario during the big power outage two summers ago (remember that?). JtS and I went to the Beer Store on a Friday evening to pick up some Sleeman's and some Creemore Springs. The Beer Store was closed on a Friday evening! (Because of no power.) I never saw a more confused and dejected looking bunch of people as the ones who were standing outside that store wanting to get in.

Subject: RE: BS: Beer will run out!!!
From: Raedwulf
Date: 07 Feb 05 - 05:19 PM

{innocently} What's the difference between a Canuck & a Yank, then? Especially if neither know what good beer is? {/innocently}

{pauses only to ask for direction to the nearest nuclear bunker...}

:p

Subject: RE: BS: Beer will run out!!!
From: GUEST,Alfie, friend of Shane
Date: 07 Feb 05 - 05:29 PM

I hate ta say it, but the boys got arested last night in Sudsy. What a flippin' drag. It's gonna be quiet around here for a bit I figger. Us guys are gonna have to take up the slack while they are in the can.

Subject: RE: BS: Beer will run out!!!
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 07 Feb 05 - 05:52 PM

What I found fascinating on my first trip to England was that the premium-priced brew in many pubs was a Yank import called Budweiser.

Subject: RE: BS: Beer will run out!!!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Feb 05 - 06:35 PM

Well, that's just good marketing! If a drinker is so dumb as to think American malt pop is beer, he'll probably pay extortionate prices for it. And a good merchandiser takes advantage of that kind of thing.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Beer will run out!!!
From: GUEST,Sidewinder.
Date: 07 Feb 05 - 06:57 PM

Stop yer bitchin' and have a beer on me! Life's Toooo' Short.

Cheers

Sidewinder.

Subject: RE: BS: Beer will run out!!!
From: Peace
Date: 08 Feb 05 - 02:04 AM

"Give us an instance, brucie. Give us an instance."

Uh, well, there was the time he rescued the multi-coloured cat wearing pantyhose from the, uh . . . , and that was pretty cool, IMO.

Subject: RE: BS: Beer will run out!!!
From: Stu
Date: 08 Feb 05 - 10:55 AM

"What I found fascinating on my first trip to England was that the premium-priced brew in many pubs was a Yank import called Budweiser."

And what you will also find here in England is that anyone who knows a jot about beer won't touch that piddle-water. Sure, many of the lazy sods here will go out and drink this dishwater on Friday night, but real-ale drinkers won't.

No sir, we like naturally brewed beers such as Windgather, Robinsons Best (now Unicorn), Pale Rider, Bombardier etc.

malty, hoppy, dark, light, porter, bitter, mild, wheatbeer, brown ale, pale ale, india pale ale etc.

I know you can get real ale brewed in New York, as I drank it. Mighty fine it was too!

Subject: RE: BS: Beer will run out!!!
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Feb 05 - 11:58 AM

Before or after the oil?

Subject: RE: BS: Beer will run out!!!
From: GUEST,Sidewinder.
Date: 09 Feb 05 - 02:43 AM

You ain't tasted real ale until you've downed several Old Peculiars and a Timothy Taylors Landlord and that's a fact. Ask the Old Speckled Hen or the Black Sheep.

Cheers.

Sidewinder.

Subject: RE: BS: Beer will run out!!!
From: Teresa
Date: 09 Feb 05 - 02:58 AM

Stigweard, many major cities in the U.S. have small breweries. It's not as prevalent in the US as in the UK,, but many discerning folk will skip the p***water and go for the good stuff. When I lived in the San Francisco Bay Area, I had some very nice stouts and porters. The alcohol content isn't as high as in the uK, I don't think, but it's higher than that ersatz-beer.

Teresa

Subject: RE: BS: Beer will run out!!!
From: Stu
Date: 09 Feb 05 - 04:49 AM

That's heartening news. You could well think everone in the US drinks Duff!

Strengths in ales vary greatly, and are not a guide as to whether an ale is good or not. Many milds are less than 3.5%, but with deep, rich malty tones, whislt a few of the more refreshing hoppy types frequently weigh in at over 4.5%.

Green King IPA comes in at 3.8 (which means it is not strictly and IPA - they are supposed to be 5% and above), but is has a very pleasant balance between the hops and malt.

"It is of good ale to you I sing
and to good ale I'll always cling . . ."

stigWeard

Subject: RE: BS: Beer will run out!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Feb 05 - 10:01 PM

Beer in ancient times....

Ancient beer making

Subject: RE: BS: Beer will run out!!!
From: GUEST,Hector Ballsworthy, Independent Press
Date: 09 Feb 05 - 11:25 PM

Dateline: Kingston upon Hull, February 9, 2005

BALI BARLEY BLIGHT BLUDGEONS BEER!

A number of disquieting rumours have been heard recently regarding a possible looming crisis in the production and supply of beer in the world at large. These were thought to be only unfounded panic-mongering by poorly informed people...or else a marketing ploy by the breweries to increase sales by encouraging hoarding.

Well, I have news for you. It's neither of those. The truth is that an insidious new strain of plant disease called Bali Barley Blight is spreading across the globe even as I speak, wiping out fields of barley at an unprecedented rate. No antidote has been found to prevent the rapid spread of this agricultural pandemic, but its origin has been traced to the island paradise of Bali in the South Pacific.

Bali was in the news not too long ago with the tragic nightclub bombing that killed numerous tourists and local people. Bali Barley Blight is not connected in any way with that incident, however. It remains quite mysterious. The plants develop dark patches and within a few days suffer a 99% fatality rate, leaving behind fields stripped of their crop.

Countries such as the UK, Canada, Russia, and the USA are bracing themselves for what appears to be a crisis almost beyond imagination.

I predict that in a year from now the price of beer will have appreciated by 900% or more, while the rapidly declining availability of the bubbly brew will lead to periodic "dry-outs", as local beer outlets in many regions close for lack of product on the shelves.

There will be violence in the streets as organized crime attempts to smuggle contraband beer, stolen beer, and near-beer to an increasingly desperate public willing to pay almost anything for a brew.

Within 2 to 3 years, martial law will be declared and beer will be reserved only for the social elite, the well-heeled, those with friends in high places.

And after that? Revolution, my friends. Bloody revolution.

We may be facing the collapse of civilization as we know it. Bali Barley Blight, when analyzed in my patented numeric divining system, yields the code "666". Do you think that's a coincidence? I don't! Stay tuned for updates on this burgeoning crisis from the only news service that DARES to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

I am Hector Ballsworthy, independent journalist, and I will not be intimidated or put down while there is a world left to bequeathe to our children! Read my columns in the Independent Press and remember our motto:

"THE TRUTH WILL OUT"