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BS: Self-test For Literature Abusers
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BS: Self-test For Literature Abusers |
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Subject: BS: Self-test For Literature Abusers From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 24 Apr 05 - 05:17 AM I think we should all be alert for these danger signs, and admit that many of us have a problem. How many of these apply to you? 1. I have read fiction when I was depressed, or to cheer myself up. 2. I have gone on reading binges of an entire book or more in a day. 3. I read rapidly, often 'gulping' chapters. 4. I have sometimes read early in the morning or before work. 5. I have hidden books in different places to sneak a chapter without being seen. 6. Sometimes I avoid friends or family obligations in order to read novels. 7. Sometimes I re-write film or television dialog as the characters speak. 8. I am unable to enjoy myself with others unless there is a book nearby. 9. At a party, I will often slip off unnoticed to read. 10. Reading has made me seek haunts and companions which I would otherwise avoid. 11. I have neglected personal hygiene or household chores until I have finished a novel. 12. I have spent money meant for necessities on books instead. 13. I have attempted to check out more library books than permitted. 14. Most of my friends are heavy fiction readers. 15. I have sometimes passed out from a night of heavy reading. 16. I have suffered 'blackouts' or memory loss from a bout of reading. 17. I have wept, become angry or irrational because of something I read. 18. I have sometimes wished I did not read so much. 19. Sometimes I think my reading is out of control. If you answered 'yes' to four or more of these questions, you may be a literature abuser. Affirmative responses to seven or more indicates a serious problem. Once a relatively rare disorder, Literature Abuse, or LA, has risen to newv levels due to the accessibility of higher education and increased college enrollment since the end of the Second World War. The number of literature abusers is currently at record levels. SOCIAL COSTS OF LITERARY ABUSE Abusers become withdrawn, uninterested in society or normal relationships. They fantasize, creating alternative worlds to occupy, to the neglect of friends and family. In severe cases they develop bad posture from reading in awkward positions or carrying heavy book bags. In the worst instances, they become cranky reference librarians in small towns. Excessive reading during pregnancy is perhaps the number one cause of moral deformity among the children of English professors, teachers of English and creative writing. Known as Fetal Fiction Syndrome, this disease also leaves its victims prone to a lifetime of nearsightedness, daydreaming and emotional instability. HEREDITY Recent Harvard studies have established that heredity plays a considerable role in determining whether a person will become an abuser of literature. Most abusers have at least one parent who abused literature, often beginning at an early age and progressing into adulthood. Many spouses of an abuser become abusers themselves. OTHER PREDISPOSING FACTORS Fathers or mothers who are English teachers, professors, or heavy fiction readers; parents who do not encourage children to play games, participate in healthy sports, or watch television in the evening. PREVENTION Pre-marital screening and counseling, referral to adoption agencies in order to break the chain of abuse. English teachers in particular should seek partners active in other fields. Children should be encouraged to seek physical activity and to avoid isolation and morbid introspection. DECLINE AND FALL: THE ENGLISH MAJOR Within the sordid world of literature abuse, the lowest circle belongs to those sufferers who have thrown their lives and hopes away to study literature in our colleges. Parents should look for signs that their children are taking the wrong path -- don't expect your teenager to approach you and say, "I can't stop reading Spenser." By the time you visit her dorm room and find the secet stash of the Paris Review, it may already be too late. What to do if you suspect your child is becoming an English major: 1. Talk to your child in a loving way. Show your concern. Let her know you won't abandon her -- but that you aren't spending a hundred grand to put her through Stanford so she can clerk at Waldenbooks, either. But remember that he may not be able to make a decision without help; perhaps he has just finished Madame Bovary and is dying of arsenic poisoning. 2. Face the issue: Tell her what you know, and how: "I found this book in your purse. How long has this been going on?" Ask the hard question -- Who is this Count Vronsky? 3. Show him another way. Move the television set into his room. Introduce her to frat boys. 4. Do what you have to do. Tear up his library card. Make her stop signing her letters as 'Emma.' Force him to take a math class, or minor in Spanish. Transfer her to a Florida college. You may be dealing with a life-threatening problem if one or more of the following applies: * He can tell you how and when Thomas Chatterton died. * She names one or more of her cats after a Romantic poet. * Next to her bed is a picture of: Lord Byron, Virginia Woolf, Faulkner or any scene from the Lake District. Most important, remember, you are not alone. To seek help for yourself or someone you love, contact the nearest chapter of the American Literature Abuse Society, or look under ALAS in your telephone directory. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Self-test For Literature Abusers From: Sooz Date: 24 Apr 05 - 06:37 AM Almost all of them apply to me, to Mike and to Kate our daughter. We must be a lost cause. Kate read philosophy at University so that is probably even worse! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Self-test For Literature Abusers From: JohnInKansas Date: 24 Apr 05 - 07:22 AM Foolestroupe - I DEMAND that you IMMEDIATELY stop fraternizing with my spouse. I don't know where you two have been meeting, but there is obviously something nefarious going on here. There is absolutely no other way in which you could have compiled such a list of characteristics EXACTLY CONFORMING TO ALL OF HER PRINCIPAL TRAITS. (Well, neglecting a few of the very private ones.) Throwing in the gratuitious #18 and #19 didn't throw me off a bit on this. To my knowledge, no one with this affliction ever feels guilty about it. (Guilt would imply a "Munchausen emulation" of symptoms, rather than the real thing, and is a recognized diagnostic point.) Lay off, or I'll wrap her up and send her to ya! John |
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Subject: RE: BS: Self-test For Literature Abusers From: Rapparee Date: 24 Apr 05 - 12:34 PM I am the director of a public library. Yes, "booking it" (one of the terms by which it is known to those who are abusers) can be a serious problem. Every day we see the wretched wretches snivelling and groveling around the doors, mewing and puking in their pitiful rags, begging our patrons for Kafka or Milton or Joyce or even Rowling or Snickett. These people will do anything -- anything! -- to read a scrap of Petrarch or Sophocles (some of them have even learned to read Latin or Greek!). Good folks who borrow our DVDs and videos, who use our Internet stations or look for jobs in our back issues of "The National Enquirer" or "USA Today" simply kick them to one side or the other, sneering "Why doncha learn ta play video games or somethin', ya bum? Do somethin' useful fer a change, willya?" or "You were an English major? Why din't ya learn something useful, like car repair?". Teenagers tease them by scattering scraps of pages from magazines like "People" among them and laugh at the resulting anguish. We still have books, yes. But you must have a prescription from a physician to read them. And the REALLY hard-core stuff -- like Chaucer, Shakespeare, Cervantes, Moliere, Twain, or Lao-Tzu -- well, you'd better have damned good reasons, that's all. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Self-test For Literature Abusers From: Pogo Date: 24 Apr 05 - 12:44 PM I snort powdered manuscripts on a regular basis and I have been know to lick codexes when available in order to get my cheap thrills. But I can quit anytime I want to. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Self-test For Literature Abusers From: Bill D Date: 24 Apr 05 - 12:46 PM "please, sir, I've had nothing but Louisa May Alcott all day..may I have some more Oswald Spengler"? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Self-test For Literature Abusers From: Ebbie Date: 24 Apr 05 - 12:58 PM I have always known that if I were shipwrecked or stranded in some way, with no books but with plenty of paper, I'd write my own- and reread them slavishly. (But I could quit any time if I really wanted to.) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Self-test For Literature Abusers From: frogprince Date: 24 Apr 05 - 01:07 PM Didn't really keep exact score, but I'm about a 14 or 15. "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read" - Groucho. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Self-test For Literature Abusers From: Liz the Squeak Date: 24 Apr 05 - 01:08 PM That's me stuffed.. I'm apparently going to heaven and they better have a damned good library!! LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Self-test For Literature Abusers From: Blissfully Ignorant Date: 24 Apr 05 - 01:14 PM I thought it said literature test for self abusers... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Self-test For Literature Abusers From: Rapparee Date: 24 Apr 05 - 06:24 PM Hell, I originally thought it said "Self abuse for literature testers." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Self-test For Literature Abusers From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 24 Apr 05 - 06:40 PM My name is Dave Oesterreich, and I am a bookaholic.... (choke, sniff)! Dave Oesterreich |
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Subject: RE: BS: Self-test For Literature Abusers From: GUEST Date: 24 Apr 05 - 07:41 PM Apparantly English teachers in Britain have found the answer to the problem. They are advocating the scrapping of English Literature as an A level course. Now that's progress....Not! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Self-test For Literature Abusers From: Scoville Date: 24 Apr 05 - 07:48 PM I do this but mostly with nonfiction. I just started working in the historical archives of a large medical complex and I'm having a hard time not reading all the old medical journals I'm supposed to be filing. I do read some "classics" but mostly I'm a nonfiction fiend. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Self-test For Literature Abusers From: Wrinkles Date: 25 Apr 05 - 06:29 AM Lol! Wonderful spoof of AA's "20 questions" sheet. Now, how's about doing a 12 steps for Lit-Ab? ;-) Wrinkles |
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Subject: RE: BS: Self-test For Literature Abusers From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 25 Apr 05 - 07:45 AM Go right ahead. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Self-test For Literature Abusers From: GUEST,darkriver (sans cookie) Date: 25 Apr 05 - 09:04 PM 1. We admitted we were powerless over reading -- that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that only a power greater than ourselves could restore us to normalcy. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of cable television as we understood it. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves and decided we were really in deep doodoo. 5. Admitted to our loved ones the exact nature of our wrongs. 6. Were entirely ready to have our loved ones remove all these defects of character from our bookshelves, home libraries, backpacks, briefcases, and coffee tables. 7. Humbly asked Ryan Seacrest to remove our shortcomings. 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to give up discussing the devices of the internal monologue and parodic catechism with them all. 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would make us look like idiots. 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were right, promptly announced it. 11. Sought though prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with cable TV as we understand it, praying for knowledge of the most unliterary shows and the power to find them. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we try to carry this message to other literature abusers and practice these principles in all our affairs. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Self-test For Literature Abusers From: Lin in Kansas Date: 25 Apr 05 - 10:08 PM YES, I'm a literature abuser! I admit it--nay, I GLORY in it! So there. Thank my Higher Power for libraries and librarians, not to mention Borders, Barnes & Noble, Waldenbooks, and the Watermark Book Store. Which reminds me, I need to ask my SO to raise my book allowance again... Thanks, Foolstroupe! Lin |
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Subject: RE: BS: Self-test For Literature Abusers From: beardedbruce Date: 25 Apr 05 - 10:47 PM 15... |
