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BS: khandu Appreciation Thread
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Subject: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: catspaw49 Date: 17 May 06 - 08:45 PM You're an idiot. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: John O'L Date: 17 May 06 - 08:50 PM I appreciate Khandu, and that he's an idiot. |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: Peace Date: 17 May 06 - 08:55 PM Have any of you realized that his name backwards is udnahk? Like, what's THAT about, huh? And 'idiot' backwards is toidi? |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: catspaw49 Date: 17 May 06 - 08:55 PM "I appreciate Khandu, and that he's an idiot."
Outside of his love for Mississippi John, its his best quality! |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: Peace Date: 17 May 06 - 08:56 PM That Hurt, Spaw. |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: John O'L Date: 17 May 06 - 09:01 PM I wasn't aware that he had any redeeming features at all. |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: Bee-dubya-ell Date: 17 May 06 - 09:06 PM I would appreciate khandu more if he actually wore an Ishman Bracey mustache instead of just talking about it. |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: Joe Offer Date: 17 May 06 - 09:10 PM Hey, even though he doesn't know when my birthday is, he's always wishing me happy birthday. Ya gotta love a guy like that. -Joe- |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: Peace Date: 17 May 06 - 09:13 PM True, Joe. But considering the number of times he's done that, you have to be about 897 years old. |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: catspaw49 Date: 17 May 06 - 09:19 PM Yeah Joe, the boy kinda' worships you don't he? Now y'all will remember we tried an exorcism of sorts to rid him of his Joe Offer passion........As I told it back then, it went like this........................... Well it's over.......The first, and I hope last, Super Mind Altering and Semi-Patriotic Fireworks and Flaming Asshole Gala. I don't know why or how this stuff starts but anytime I use Cletus for anything, the one sure thing is that I'll end up with a long list of people wanting money from me. It started off so well............ The plan was simple. All we wanted to do was bring khandu back to his senses and knowing that a good cross burning might do the job, we started there. I mean hell, he's Mississippi boy and cross burning is a genetic trait. He had become a slave and a brown noser to, of all people, Joe Offer. Something had to be done. Somehow we got carried away. Tweed acquired through Bobertz, some Patty Poopchute and Harry Hardtool anatomically correct party dols and we thought we might possibly use them as well. It's my fault though.....Has anything ever gone right when Cletus, Paw, Buford, and the Reg boys are involved? Paw went down to the lumber yard and liberated some skids and the Reg boys ripped them apart. The plan was to make 143 crosses with the skid wood and duct tape. Buford got involved and said the first one didn't look right to him. Why in the hell anything would look right to Buford is beyond me as the boy is always tanked up on Iron City and when he's not burping, he's whizzing on Mrs. Clanahan's peonies. But Paw agreed with him and they headed off to find a cross for a model. They ended up going to the Church of Evangelical Hollering and Tongue Talking Mohunkers where the good folks were happy to oblige. Of course the Rollers misunderstood the reasons here and, this being Good Friday and all, thought the crosses were being made for a religious ceremony and Paw told them to come by at 8 PM, or a little before so as to get a good seat. I wish he had told me........ About 3 PM the crosses were finished and the Boys started taking things up to the little picnic grove on 664 adjoining Ol' Man Rafferty's place. For all his faults, Rafferty is a religious old coot and was excited to see the crosses being erected on Good Friday. I guess he thought Cletus had turned over a new leaf. Paw went over to talk with him even though Rafferty still held him responsible for the destruction of his mailbox and a Buick hubcap after the Great Magnetic Ass-Healing Ring debacle. Paw commented on the new mailbox and hubcap while once again Rafferty was washing the aging Buick deuce and a quarter. Rafferty said he and his very religious wife would certainly be sitting out on their porch and it would be even better than going to Church as they had planned. Once again, I wish someone had told me.................. Since the Reg boys aren't any too talkative they were given the job of blowing up the Harry Hardtool dolls and stuffing their "tools" with Roman candles and bottle rockets (with whistle and report). It was a big job but they got it done. Meanwhile Cletus and Paw had filled the Patty Poopchute dolls with propane. They all worked together to drive the crosses into the ground and attached the Patty Poopchute dolls to the top. Cletus said they wouldn't be soaking the crosses in kerosene until just before they lit them which seemed okay to me. I had arrived to check in on all of this at about 5:30 and truthfully, I was impressed at what they had accomplished! Now I knew that these good feelings were generally the portend of bad things to come, but the mind is a funny thing and we often forget the past in an effort to hold out hope for a new beginning. This seems to be what happened to me as I felt genuinely good about trying to bring this thing off and that perhaps, for once, Cletus, Paw, Buford, and the Reg boys may have gotten it right. Once again, I should have relied on past experience............. The crosses were in the ground on a slight embankment with a propane filled Patty Poopchute mounted atop each one. Leaning against the embankment and in front of each were the Harry Hardtool dolls with their dorks pointing skyward and filled with Roman candles and bottle rockets (with whistle and report). This is a pretty conservative little place so I thought maybe the dolls would be better if they were covered or clothed and I ask the Boys to do so and they told me they'd do it....."No Problem Spaw." That should have clued me in but it didn't. My other suggestion was that because a light breeze had come up, it might be good to tie the Harry Hardtools to something so they didn't blow away. Again, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking.................. I should now take this chance to thank those who so valiantly helped in this and I want to extend my thanks to them for their part in trying to save Brother khandu. Carol, Tweed, Young Will, even Bobertz.......You all did your jobs and performed magnificently. I cannot thank you enough and to prove it, I have kept your part in this as well as your names out of the Sheriff's report. Additionally, you are free to disavow any knowledge of me or that you were ever even within a hundred miles of here. You have to admit though, it was one helluav' show! On the chance that we might need the services of the Neil Young Center for the Terminally Screwed, I asked for the Insanevac Chopper to be standing by. I spent the next few hours at home with Karen and the kids, eating supper and coloring Easter Eggs. When I heard the sound of the chopper I realized that several hours had passed and I was almost late for the show. I leashed up the two Weimaraners and headed for the park. Karen and the kids wanted to go but I suggested they stay home in case something went awry. This was the only good decision I made in the entire day. Besides, the "Royal Forkers" khandu had sent to surround my house had instead turned out to "mortar forkers" and had just completed the new barbeque out back and were busy working on a smokehouse. I told Karen it was better for her to keep an eye on them to be sure they were working according to plan. With Jaeger and Sissy happy to be going for a walk, I headed for the gala event. When I arrived, a few things caught my eye right away, but it was too late to turn back. First, each Patty Poopchute doll had a purple robe like affair on them. I realized right away that the material had come from a hot air balloon that Cletus and Paw had accidentally shot down a few years ago (that's another story). Sitting atop the crosses in their purple robes, they were really quite attractive. Additionally, the Harry Hardtool dolls all were wrapped about waist with old towels in a loincloth sort of get-up. To keep the Harry dolls in place, they had tied each wrist to something or another which left their arms outstretched. Also, out front of everything was the biggest Dago Bomb I ever saw. It turns out Cletus and the Boys had bought it down in Tennessee on one of their trips south to a festival where they had contracted for the porta-potty business with their company, "Crappers on Casters." And....they had been good enough to park one of their C on C's about 50 feet to the left, over toward Rafferty's place. I stood for a moment and took it all in. Suddenly it hit me. In the purple robes and loincloths, with the outstretched arms and crosses, this looked like some Christian tableau from Hell! There they were, 143 Virgin Marys, atop 143 crosses, with 143 Jesus Christs below! My mind went numb as I began to realize that somehow this extravaganza was not going to go well at all............. Before I could utter a word I saw Ol' Man Rafferty and his wife on their porch in prayer. About then the Church Bus bearing the members of the Church of Evangelical Hollering and Tongue Talking Mohunkers arrived in the grove. They literally ran off the bus dropping to their knees. I tell you they went down faster than a cheap whore on a Liberian tanker. I was rapidly becoming almost paralyzed. I couldn't speak although I wanted to scream. The main thing I wanted to scream was "NO" but the best that came from my throat was a tiny croak like a dying frog with laryngitis. Not over yet though................ Tweed drove a van in and he and Carol emerged from the front with a look of trepidation on their faces as they took in the scene before them. Wrongly figuring that I had this planned, they opened the back doors and Will and Bobertz hopped out. They all four then removed khandu. Okay, it wasn't their fault they had to subdue him...I know that. And frankly it was very creative the way they had wrapped him up in duct tape from head to foot with only his eyes looking out. Even from where I was I could see he was mad. But I still thought that this cross burning gone haywire might cure him of his shameless brown nosing of Joe Offer. But the way he was wrapped reminded the church folk of Jesus in the tomb I guess, with the duct tape as a sticky Shroud of Turin. In any case they turned and started praying in that direction also. Tweed, Carol, Will, and Bobertz, were busy propping khandu up so he could see when I noticed that the Reg boys were liberally soaking the crosses and the ground in between with kerosene. I had to stop this............... Cletus and Paw were all smiles, quite proud of what they had done and when I came stammering up to them they were a bit confused. I tried to somehow make them see what I saw but it wasn't working because my mind was moving faster than my mouth and these guys were never too sharp on the best of days. Each of the Weims was licking one of Paw's hands when I finally got through a bit to Cletus. After listening to the whole thing he said, "Don't worry Catspaw, even I know that Jesus had blonde hair and that guy don't look nothin' like him." This made no sense and once again I was so dumbstruck I was speechless. Cletus capped that with, "Besides look how happy Jaeger and Sissy are!" After what seemed like an hour, but was probably only a few seconds of pondering that inanity, I blurted, "You stupid shit!! They're fucking DOGS!!!!" This didn't bother ol' Clete in the least and he and Paw walked off happily to get the show started. I swear to you all, I would have done anything to stop it, but the whole thing had moved not only beyond my control but into another dimension as well. From this point on, it seemed as though I watched what happened as a sort of out of body experience; just a casual observer noting the events unfolding. In a scene like none imagined by Machiavelli it all began. Paw bent over by the crosses and flared off a monster fart. The flame shot across to the nearest cross, much like what happened in their Christmas tree disaster, and within seconds, 143 crosses were burning brightly. Cletus ran to the front and lit the monster Dago Bomb. There was one more realization to go though. Turns out they had tied the wrists of the Harry/Jesus dolls to the ankles of the Patty/Virgin Mary dolls which explained the outstretched arms. This realization only came to me as the flames ignited Patty/Mary's poopchute where the plastic was thinnest and melted first. The propane ignited and up they went......each dragging a Harry/Jesus behind. Maybe halfway to the top of their trajectory the flames ignited the Roman candles and bottle rockets in the Harry/Jesus dicks. I gotta' tell y'all........It was a sight to behold. 143 Virgin Marys launched off of flaming crosses with their assholes trailing flame while 143 Jesus Christs ascended behind them, twirling gaily with their cocks spouting red, white, and blue balls and rockets (with whistle and report) screaming off in all directions followed by a series of bangs. Simply amazing. The church members lost all control and began flopping around on the ground, talking in tongues, and generally having a pretty good time. Rafferty's wife on the other hand seemed to be having a possible heart attack. But it gets worse.......... Cletus was so shocked at the sudden ignition of the crosses that in trying to get away from the Dago Bomb he knocked it on it's side. A massive fireball shot out and smashed underneath the porta-potty. Obviously they hadn't cleaned it or something and the methane fumes had built up. The crapper shot skyward too and the methane must have been in prodigious quantities as the fiery outhouse travelled over a mile before crashing through the roof of the condom factory, setting it ablaze. Several explosions have come from that direction and a paramedic attending Mrs. Rafferty said that a vat of latex had blown and completely covered the Church of Evangelical Hollering and Tongue Talking Mohunkers which is located just across the street. The missing outhouse now opened the range and the Dago Bomb fired off another even more monstrous ball of fire. This time the charge landed underneath Ol'Man Rafferty's Buick and it blew up right there in his driveway. About this time the cops showed up and an ambulance was called for Mrs. Rafferty. Tweed, Carol, Bobertz, and Will were shell shocked as I was, but what was really important to us was our friend Ken. Had we brought him back? We quickly ripped the duct tape off removing small portions of skin and hair in the process. The church folks were gathering up the tape remnants which I suppose they think are now Holy Relics. I dunno' what the hell they're going to think when they arrive back at their church....which should be about now. Khandu lay on the gurney and the anger was gone from his eyes. As a matter of fact, everything was gone from his eyes! He was completely catatonic. We loaded him aboard the NYCFTTS Insanevac Chopper for a trip to the new wing where the James Taylor Rehab Unit on Catatonic Blandness is located. We can just hope I guess....... As for me, I foresee a long night of police and fire reports, possible fines, lawyer fees, and threats of incarceration, racing around my brain. Sweet Jesus, I need some drugs.............. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: Bill D Date: 17 May 06 - 09:45 PM Udnahk...wasn't that on of the Inuit heros? The one who sat for 73 days on an ice flow because he heard the tribe needed frozen assets? Is Khandu secretly from Khanada? |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: wysiwyg Date: 17 May 06 - 09:48 PM Spaw, did you kick him in the balls yet? ~Susan |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: GUEST Date: 17 May 06 - 09:54 PM Spaw, the truth is out - you are khandu! And yes, a long night of fire and police reports with all that other stuff, the drugs could help. By the way, the previous treatise by you (Spaw) was an absolute work of art. Too bad it will turn out to be meaningless. |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: wysiwyg Date: 17 May 06 - 10:00 PM Spaw is actually Drew Carey-- I saw him. Moon Over Parma??? There ya go. And Khandu is NOT a Khanuck, period. ~Susan |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: GUEST,Hortense Durp, Former Royal Dancing Tart Date: 17 May 06 - 10:19 PM Boy! Has khandu got the wool pulled over you people's eyes, or what? Appreciate! Hah! Listen, I used to be the Head Tart in the Royal Dancing Tarts of the Court of King khandu of Mississippi. I was the apple of khandu's eye. Promises were made. Vows were spoken. The Royal Kielbasa was annointed with oil. Khandu said he was going to ditch Queen Cheryl and make me, Hortense Durp, Queen of Mississippi. Hah! Not only did he lie about his intentions, but Queen Cheryl found out about the annointing of the Royal Kielbasa and I was fired from the Tarts and sent away to WalMart where I must work as a cashier for the rest of my days. Khandu is a rotten, sorry, no good SOB and I hope his Kielbasa rots off. |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: Tweed Date: 17 May 06 - 11:06 PM I know khandu and he is a complete and utter idiot. He is not a khanuck, he is an idiot....and I above any others of my ilk, can appreciate him for that. He is my twin brother (by different mothers obv corse..) and therefore I am obligated to disembollack anyone daring to dispute this. I have a can opener, and I know how to use it. ALL HAIL KHNADSNAG!!! KHING OBV MIZIPPI AND KNOWER OF ALL JOHN HURT LYRICS. |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: Rustic Rebel Date: 18 May 06 - 01:36 AM Tweed will you Please change your drawers before I have to change mine? :::Fixation not done yet::: |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: Rustic Rebel Date: 18 May 06 - 01:38 AM OH Yeah- To The King!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: The Shambles Date: 18 May 06 - 08:58 AM Khandu seems a very sensible poster. |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: The Shambles Date: 18 May 06 - 09:02 AM Khandu seems a very sensible poster. But if Khandu was not and whether I appreciated them or not - I would still be stuck with them as a fellow invited guest. And have to get on with them the best I could. |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: catspaw49 Date: 18 May 06 - 09:16 AM .............oy..................... |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: John MacKenzie Date: 18 May 06 - 09:23 AM My Mother always used to say I should have a 'can do' sort of attitude, but I've never been to Mississippi, can't even spell it! Giok |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: Bill D Date: 18 May 06 - 10:28 AM ...sure you can, Giok!...repeat after me: I T |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: Bee-dubya-ell Date: 18 May 06 - 10:28 AM I would appreciate khandu even more if, in his capacity as King of Mississippi, he would address a few thorny issues: 1) Why does Mississippi have so many four-way stops at major intersections? When traffic backs up to the tune of fifty car-lengths in all directions, it's time to invest in a stoplight. 2) And what about that convenience store in Jackson that advertises a "pay-at-the-pump" price for gasoline that's several cents per gallon less than the cash price? You know, the one where it's impossible to actually buy gas at that price because all the card readers at the pumps are conveniently broken? 3) Who gave the town of Hot Coffee, Mississippi its name? Was it somebody's idea of a joke? |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: Rapparee Date: 18 May 06 - 11:03 AM But if Khandu was not.... Would we be compelled to invent him/her/it? Besides, he told me he was going to return the winnings from the International Lottery I sent him a couple years ago on MOAB, with interest yet, and he never has. He owes me approximately US $80,000,007. I would appreciate him even more if he'd pay up. |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: catspaw49 Date: 18 May 06 - 12:27 PM So many questions about Mississippi........So little time......thankfully. I knew this guy once who told me, "Man, I been to Mississippi and its the end of the earth and that ain't no shit!" See, I thought he probably just meant he didn't like it there but later I discovered that it really IS the end of the earth! A huge part of the state income comes from tourism, nice folks who take a vacation to the end of the earth and go home feeling lots better. Wherever they live may suck bad, but they feel pretty good about it 'cause they done been to Mississippi!!! They have sadly lowered their standards some in the past few years and that is truly sad, especially when it is reflected in the state symbols and such. For instance the state motto was "VIRTUTE et ARMIS" which means by valor and arms. That was changed to "Value at WalMart." The lovely and joyous little Mockingbird has been replaced as the state bird by the fly.....Ain't even a bird, ya' know? The magnolia remains as the state flower and tree but now its the magnolia covered in kudzu. And what does it tell you when the state fish, the Black Bass, is changed to the White Bass? BTW, the state fossil was the prehistoric whale but is now khandu's genitalia. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: CarolC Date: 18 May 06 - 12:35 PM Who's khandu? |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: Tweed Date: 18 May 06 - 01:37 PM EGAD!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: freda underhill Date: 18 May 06 - 01:44 PM he da man |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: khandu Date: 18 May 06 - 06:26 PM Okay. So many things I need to say. Upon opening this thread, I was indeed somewhat suspicious. My suspicions were comfirmed when I saw who created this thread and when I read his opening post. Call it "intuition" or "psychic abilities". I call it the ability to discern PATterns. I knew where this was going. At least six times (count'em...six!), maybe more, I have watch threads meld into this. Look: RE: BS: Cross Dressing - Nov 25 2004 10:35PM RE: BS: TheGoodFridayDebacle-Has it been a year? RE: Paw, Cletus, Buford, & the Reg boys RE: BS: The Joe Offer Celebration Thread - Aug 1 2003 RE: BS: The Joe Offer Celebration Thread - Aug 1 2003 RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!! - Apr 18 2003 In each of these threads, you can read this: Well it's over.......The first, and I hope last, Super Mind Altering and Semi-Patriotic Fireworks and Flaming Asshole Gala. I don't know why or how this stuff starts but anytime I use Cletus for anything, the one sure thing is that I'll end up with a long list of people wanting money from me. It started off so well............ The plan was simple. All we wanted to do was bring khandu back to his senses and knowing that a good cross burning might do the job, we started there. I mean hell, he's Mississippi boy and cross burning is a genetic trait. He had become a slave and a brown noser to, of all people, Joe Offer. Something had to be done. Somehow we got carried away. Tweed acquired through Bobertz, some Patty Poopchute and Harry Hardtool anatomically correct party dols and we thought we might possibly use them as well. It's my fault though.....Has anything ever gone right when Cletus, Paw, Buford, and the Reg boys are involved? Paw went down to the lumber yard and liberated some skids and the Reg boys ripped them apart. The plan was to make 143 crosses with the skid wood and duct tape. Buford got involved and said the first one didn't look right to him. Why in the hell anything would look right to Buford is beyond me as the boy is always tanked up on Iron City and when he's not burping, he's whizzing on Mrs. Clanahan's peonies. But Paw agreed with him and they headed off to find a cross for a model. They ended up going to the Church of Evangelical Hollering and Tongue Talking Mohunkers where the good folks were happy to oblige. Of course the Rollers misunderstood the reasons here and, this being Good Friday and all, thought the crosses were being made for a religious ceremony and Paw told them to come by at 8 PM, or a little before so as to get a good seat. I wish he had told me........ About 3 PM the crosses were finished and the Boys started taking things up to the little picnic grove on 664 adjoining Ol' Man Rafferty's place. For all his faults, Rafferty is a religious old coot and was excited to see the crosses being erected on Good Friday. I guess he thought Cletus had turned over a new leaf. Paw went over to talk with him even though Rafferty still held him responsible for the destruction of his mailbox and a Buick hubcap after the Great Magnetic Ass-Healing Ring debacle. Paw commented on the new mailbox and hubcap while once again Rafferty was washing the aging Buick deuce and a quarter. Rafferty said he and his very religious wife would certainly be sitting out on their porch and it would be even better than going to Church as they had planned. Once again, I wish someone had told me.................. Since the Reg boys aren't any too talkative they were given the job of blowing up the Harry Hardtool dolls and stuffing their "tools" with Roman candles and bottle rockets (with whistle and report). It was a big job but they got it done. Meanwhile Cletus and Paw had filled the Patty Poopchute dolls with propane. They all worked together to drive the crosses into the ground and attached the Patty Poopchute dolls to the top. Cletus said they wouldn't be soaking the crosses in kerosene until just before they lit them which seemed okay to me. I had arrived to check in on all of this at about 5:30 and truthfully, I was impressed at what they had accomplished! Now I knew that these good feelings were generally the portend of bad things to come, but the mind is a funny thing and we often forget the past in an effort to hold out hope for a new beginning. This seems to be what happened to me as I felt genuinely good about trying to bring this thing off and that perhaps, for once, Cletus, Paw, Buford, and the Reg boys may have gotten it right. Once again, I should have relied on past experience............. The crosses were in the ground on a slight embankment with a propane filled Patty Poopchute mounted atop each one. Leaning against the embankment and in front of each were the Harry Hardtool dolls with their dorks pointing skyward and filled with Roman candles and bottle rockets (with whistle and report). This is a pretty conservative little place so I thought maybe the dolls would be better if they were covered or clothed and I ask the Boys to do so and they told me they'd do it....."No Problem Spaw." That should have clued me in but it didn't. My other suggestion was that because a light breeze had come up, it might be good to tie the Harry Hardtools to something so they didn't blow away. Again, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking.................. I should now take this chance to thank those who so valiantly helped in this and I want to extend my thanks to them for their part in trying to save Brother khandu. Carol, Tweed, Young Will, even Bobertz.......You all did your jobs and performed magnificently. I cannot thank you enough and to prove it, I have kept your part in this as well as your names out of the Sheriff's report. Additionally, you are free to disavow any knowledge of me or that you were ever even within a hundred miles of here. You have to admit though, it was one helluav' show! On the chance that we might need the services of the Neil Young Center for the Terminally Screwed, I asked for the Insanevac Chopper to be standing by. I spent the next few hours at home with Karen and the kids, eating supper and coloring Easter Eggs. When I heard the sound of the chopper I realized that several hours had passed and I was almost late for the show. I leashed up the two Weimaraners and headed for the park. Karen and the kids wanted to go but I suggested they stay home in case something went awry. This was the only good decision I made in the entire day. Besides, the "Royal Forkers" khandu had sent to surround my house had instead turned out to "mortar forkers" and had just completed the new barbeque out back and were busy working on a smokehouse. I told Karen it was better for her to keep an eye on them to be sure they were working according to plan. With Jaeger and Sissy happy to be going for a walk, I headed for the gala event. When I arrived, a few things caught my eye right away, but it was too late to turn back. First, each Patty Poopchute doll had a purple robe like affair on them. I realized right away that the material had come from a hot air balloon that Cletus and Paw had accidentally shot down a few years ago (that's another story). Sitting atop the crosses in their purple robes, they were really quite attractive. Additionally, the Harry Hardtool dolls all were wrapped about waist with old towels in a loincloth sort of get-up. To keep the Harry dolls in place, they had tied each wrist to something or another which left their arms outstretched. Also, out front of everything was the biggest Dago Bomb I ever saw. It turns out Cletus and the Boys had bought it down in Tennessee on one of their trips south to a festival where they had contracted for the porta-potty business with their company, "Crappers on Casters." And....they had been good enough to park one of their C on C's about 50 feet to the left, over toward Rafferty's place. I stood for a moment and took it all in. Suddenly it hit me. In the purple robes and loincloths, with the outstretched arms and crosses, this looked like some Christian tableau from Hell! There they were, 143 Virgin Marys, atop 143 crosses, with 143 Jesus Christs below! My mind went numb as I began to realize that somehow this extravaganza was not going to go well at all............. Before I could utter a word I saw Ol' Man Rafferty and his wife on their porch in prayer. About then the Church Bus bearing the members of the Church of Evangelical Hollering and Tongue Talking Mohunkers arrived in the grove. They literally ran off the bus dropping to their knees. I tell you they went down faster than a cheap whore on a Liberian tanker. I was rapidly becoming almost paralyzed. I couldn't speak although I wanted to scream. The main thing I wanted to scream was "NO" but the best that came from my throat was a tiny croak like a dying frog with laryngitis. Not over yet though................ Tweed drove a van in and he and Carol emerged from the front with a look of trepidation on their faces as they took in the scene before them. Wrongly figuring that I had this planned, they opened the back doors and Will and Bobertz hopped out. They all four then removed khandu. Okay, it wasn't their fault they had to subdue him...I know that. And frankly it was very creative the way they had wrapped him up in duct tape from head to foot with only his eyes looking out. Even from where I was I could see he was mad. But I still thought that this cross burning gone haywire might cure him of his shameless brown nosing of Joe Offer. But the way he was wrapped reminded the church folk of Jesus in the tomb I guess, with the duct tape as a sticky Shroud of Turin. In any case they turned and started praying in that direction also. Tweed, Carol, Will, and Bobertz, were busy propping khandu up so he could see when I noticed that the Reg boys were liberally soaking the crosses and the ground in between with kerosene. I had to stop this............... Cletus and Paw were all smiles, quite proud of what they had done and when I came stammering up to them they were a bit confused. I tried to somehow make them see what I saw but it wasn't working because my mind was moving faster than my mouth and these guys were never too sharp on the best of days. Each of the Weims was licking one of Paw's hands when I finally got through a bit to Cletus. After listening to the whole thing he said, "Don't worry Catspaw, even I know that Jesus had blonde hair and that guy don't look nothin' like him." This made no sense and once again I was so dumbstruck I was speechless. Cletus capped that with, "Besides look how happy Jaeger and Sissy are!" After what seemed like an hour, but was probably only a few seconds of pondering that inanity, I blurted, "You stupid shit!! They're fucking DOGS!!!!" This didn't bother ol' Clete in the least and he and Paw walked off happily to get the show started. I swear to you all, I would have done anything to stop it, but the whole thing had moved not only beyond my control but into another dimension as well. From this point on, it seemed as though I watched what happened as a sort of out of body experience; just a casual observer noting the events unfolding. In a scene like none imagined by Machiavelli it all began. Paw bent over by the crosses and flared off a monster fart. The flame shot across to the nearest cross, much like what happened in their Christmas tree disaster, and within seconds, 143 crosses were burning brightly. Cletus ran to the front and lit the monster Dago Bomb. There was one more realization to go though. Turns out they had tied the wrists of the Harry/Jesus dolls to the ankles of the Patty/Virgin Mary dolls which explained the outstretched arms. This realization only came to me as the flames ignited Patty/Mary's poopchute where the plastic was thinnest and melted first. The propane ignited and up they went......each dragging a Harry/Jesus behind. Maybe halfway to the top of their trajectory the flames ignited the Roman candles and bottle rockets in the Harry/Jesus dicks. I gotta' tell y'all........It was a sight to behold. 143 Virgin Marys launched off of flaming crosses with their assholes trailing flame while 143 Jesus Christs ascended behind them, twirling gaily with their cocks spouting red, white, and blue balls and rockets (with whistle and report) screaming off in all directions followed by a series of bangs. Simply amazing. The church members lost all control and began flopping around on the ground, talking in tongues, and generally having a pretty good time. Rafferty's wife on the other hand seemed to be having a possible heart attack. But it gets worse.......... Cletus was so shocked at the sudden ignition of the crosses that in trying to get away from the Dago Bomb he knocked it on it's side. A massive fireball shot out and smashed underneath the porta-potty. Obviously they hadn't cleaned it or something and the methane fumes had built up. The crapper shot skyward too and the methane must have been in prodigious quantities as the fiery outhouse travelled over a mile before crashing through the roof of the condom factory, setting it ablaze. Several explosions have come from that direction and a paramedic attending Mrs. Rafferty said that a vat of latex had blown and completely covered the Church of Evangelical Hollering and Tongue Talking Mohunkers which is located just across the street. The missing outhouse now opened the range and the Dago Bomb fired off another even more monstrous ball of fire. This time the charge landed underneath Ol'Man Rafferty's Buick and it blew up right there in his driveway. About this time the cops showed up and an ambulance was called for Mrs. Rafferty. Tweed, Carol, Bobertz, and Will were shell shocked as I was, but what was really important to us was our friend Ken. Had we brought him back? We quickly ripped the duct tape off removing small portions of skin and hair in the process. The church folks were gathering up the tape remnants which I suppose they think are now Holy Relics. I dunno' what the hell they're going to think when they arrive back at their church....which should be about now. Khandu lay on the gurney and the anger was gone from his eyes. As a matter of fact, everything was gone from his eyes! He was completely catatonic. We loaded him aboard the NYCFTTS Insanevac Chopper for a trip to the new wing where the James Taylor Rehab Unit on Catatonic Blandness is located. We can just hope I guess....... As for me, I foresee a long night of police and fire reports, possible fines, lawyer fees, and threats of incarceration, racing around my brain. Sweet Jesus, I need some drugs.............. Spaw Lord knows how many times we have endured the "Ode to Billy Joe" origins tale. And I gotsta admit, these tales are a joy to read and I have even emailed them to many of my non-Mudcat friends, but COMEONALREADY!!! Hows about some honesty in thread titles? Hows about renaming this thread the "I Want To Tell It Again Thread"? You ever heard of "Truth in Advertising"? But I guess if you think using my name in a thread title will draw more nosers to your wonderful tales, go ahead. You could name it the "I Want To Tell It Again Thread, featuring khandu" And, Peace...did you not realize that my name in U-turn is "khaahk"? (Hey, I noticed that John O'Lennaine, or however you spell it, finally got tired of writing his own name and shortened it to "John O'L"! Good going!) There were some odd and yet strange things said above and I cannot address them all but I will say that only two people said anything sensible here. One was Tweed, when he said he has a can opener. The other was The Shambles when he said "Khandu seems a very sensible poster." And he showed even more wisdom when he went on to say: "Khandu seems a very sensible poster." To which I can only say "Amen". I find it predictable that beedubyaell and Rapaire post back to back and they both speak negatively of my Royal Self. Everyone knows that beedub suffers from kielbasa envy and crown envy and since I have a fine example of both of these, naturally he is compelled to attempt to disparage me (and exercise in futility, indeed!) And Rapaire, as we all know too well, is just a BeeDub toady and sometimes henchman. So, as BeeDub goes, so goes Rapaire. (US $80,000,007., my ass...it's only $80,000,003.41! Fucking usurer!) Let me wind this up with this jewel written by our Dear WordWhiz Spaw: ODE TO MY PHALLUS O Phallus, my phallus, why art thou so teeny? T'would be a Prize, if ye were even half the size Of an Oscar Meyer weinie. O phallus my phallus, why art thou so teeny They taught me much, they taught me well To mine own self be true To do my own thing Alas, my own thing is much too little to do O Phallus my phallus why art thou so wee T'would give me much pleasure if thou wouldst only measure At least two inches, or three O Phallus, my Phallus Why art thou so wee I saw her there, so beautiful and fair I was filled with desire To stoke her lust into a bright flame, Into a raging fire. Sweet words, wine ,and poetry Music so soft, Surely that would do the trick She giggled and tittered Then she guffawed "I've not even seen a candle with such a small wick!" Have I angered the ancients, those powerful gods Who created this kit'n'kaboodle That they should give others such wonderful rods And leave me with this pitiful noodle. O Phallus, my Phallus Why art thou so damned short! The End I, khandu, of course, cannot relate to the problem expressed in the poem. Yet, I am moved by his sense of futility and inadequacy. You are good, Spaw. Oh and a HAPPY BIRTHDAY! JOE OFFER!!khandu |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: John O'L Date: 18 May 06 - 07:14 PM Khandu seems a very sensible poster. The devil's in the detail. - John O'Lennaine; a rose by any other name... |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: freda underhill Date: 19 May 06 - 08:04 AM - could smell like 'SPAAAAW! |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: Tweed Date: 19 May 06 - 10:22 AM Well now.........the mudserver's presently on the fritz and if this damn message shows up forty or so times I would like for Joe to please clean up the excess duplicates. By the way, Happy Birthday to Joe! When will you make this members only? And why don't you get spammed here? Mine's members only but I had to take out the honor system self signup deal and now screen new applicants by email as the dirtbags would re-sign up as soon as I deleted them and post the most amazing array of fucked up links to screwed up products and services....but I digest from my original thought waves.....on to the non appreciation of khandu. I'm certain this will be the only time in Mudcat history where myself and Shambles will be mentioned as the only two sensible posters. Thank you so very goddammed much to kHandarz-the-vyeena-weinie-khing. I will be shunned even more veemously for the curdog that I am... forever and posonby longer than that. No...don't say anything...I am damaged beyond repair and can not be assausaged by kind words.. And pore 'Spaw.....how he must suffer from yore vitreolic comments regarding his epic work!! Do you not think he has not paid enough, just from the extreme disappointment of not winning the much expected Pulitzer for the Fourth of July/Patty Poopshoot/Exploding blow-up Penis series?? Ahhh...Those were the days of extreme BS....but I will not blubber any further as that horse is dead and there's nothing good will come from looking up it's ass anymore.........sniff.... Oddly enough, the auto-links at the bottom of this page go to "Vanilla Fields Perfume" and "Buy your Scents Here". Google is amazin'..I allus put a bit of Vanilla Fields on my upper lip fore gazing up a dead horse's ass. |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: Rapparee Date: 19 May 06 - 12:21 PM I find that I must ask exactly how much Khandu has appreciated and over what period of time. A house, for instance, appreciates at a certain rate each year if you take care of it. Guns, gold, fine art, Stradivarii fiddles -- I'm told that they all appreciate in value from year to year; not that I'd know from personal experience since I can't afford a decent blues harp, much less a golden gun or something. So, how much exactly has Khandu been appreciating? And do you think he'd make a good investment? |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: Kim C Date: 19 May 06 - 12:54 PM Lawsy, I ain't been around in a little while and I come back to all this? Well, it's nice to see Spaw back to his old self. :-) I always figgered Khandu was an all-right feller. |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: Joe Offer Date: 19 May 06 - 01:08 PM Thread #91571 Message #1743064 Posted By: The Shambles 18-May-06 - 08:58 AM Thread Name: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread Khandu seems a very sensible poster. Hey, I can agree with that... -Joe Offer- |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: catspaw49 Date: 19 May 06 - 01:33 PM But will he quote you on it Joe? BTW, you're doing a great job staying away from the whole thing.....My Congratulations!! (:<)) Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: Joe Offer Date: 19 May 06 - 02:01 PM Oh, I'm sure khandu will quote me on that, Spaw. You know how he is. There are two people here who quote Joe Offer incessantly. They must really think I'm somethin'... |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: catspaw49 Date: 19 May 06 - 02:15 PM That's why I quote myself so often Joe.....I know I'm somethin'. Problem is that like you, I just ain't real sure what........................***sigh***................... Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: Tweed Date: 19 May 06 - 05:01 PM I had an odd thought just now....Shambles has shown some appreciation for the lunatic khandu in his very short, succinct post somewhere above. I find this to be fairly odd, knowing the massive adversity he finds himself associated with here most days and generally saying not much good about anyone here, now suddenly praises the eater of manatees and the despoiler of who knows how many poor goats. Could it be??....is Shambles and khan.....naw...that's ridiculous. |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: Rapparee Date: 19 May 06 - 10:22 PM Shambles Khandu S K H H A A M N B D L U E S The clue is in the duplicate letters, H and A. Zigzagging, you have SHANBUES and KHAMDLES. Spelled backwards these are SEUBNAHS and SELDMAHK. Now we have S S E E U L B D N M A A H H S K Reading zigzag from the bottom, we have SHAMBLES and KHANDUES. Res ipsa loquitor, as the lawyers say. They are the same person, right down to their genetic code. |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: Tweed Date: 19 May 06 - 11:21 PM My God, it's astonishingly simple when you put it that way Rapaire!!! It's absolute genius! |
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Subject: RE: BS: khandu Appreciation Thread From: Peace Date: 19 May 06 - 11:26 PM You should see the correlation when it's converted to binary. |
