BS: break a leg

Subject: BS: break a leg
From: freda underhill
Date: 24 Jun 06 - 07:56 PM

hi guys

as you may know I am strongly considering suing the Mexican Embassy. Yes, I'm laid out with a leg sprain and its their fault. So I will be in town this week, and am receiving vistors who promise not to pull my leg. please ring first in case I'm out at the doc's.

In case you can't come over, because you work or have a life, or because you're in another country, please send leg jokes (Heather McCartney ones deemed in poor taste but I'm so bored anything will do). To get the ball rolling..

This chap goes to the doctor and complains about his leg. "It keeps talking," he says. The doctor tells him to take off his trousers and lay on the examination couch. He then listens to the
man's thigh through his stethoscope. The thigh says, "Lend us a tenner." "Remarkable," says the doctor, moving the stethoscope down to the knee. "Lend us a fiver," says the knee. "Incredible," says the doctor, moving the stethoscope down to the ankle. "Lend us a couple of quid," says the ankle. "Amazing," says the doctor. "What's wrong?" asks the man. "Well it's very unusual, but I think your leg is broke in three places."

yours hopfully

freda

Subject: RE: BS: break a leg
From: freda underhill
Date: 24 Jun 06 - 08:02 PM

Amongst the 57 million people in Britain there are probably 5,000 people who have only one leg. Therefore the average number of legs is

    (5000 x 1 + 56,995,000 x 2)/57,000,000 = 1.9999123.

Since most people have two legs, the great majority of people have more than the average number of legs.

Subject: RE: BS: break a leg
From: jeffp
Date: 24 Jun 06 - 08:05 PM

I have Rice Krisp-knees. When I stand up, they go Snap, Crackle and Pop.

Subject: RE: BS: break a leg
From: Alice
Date: 24 Jun 06 - 08:14 PM

Medical Transcription bloopers:

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

------
A man goes to the doctor and says to the doctor:
"It hurts when I press here" (pressing his side)
"And when I press here" (pressing the other side)
"And here" (his leg)
"And here, here and here" (his other leg, and both arms)

So the doctor examined him all over and finally discovered what was wrong... "You've got a broken finger!

-----

Subject: RE: BS: break a leg
From: Beer
Date: 24 Jun 06 - 08:16 PM

Well this is no joke. I was making my way to the stage in a variety show when the fellow coming off said in passing "Break a Leg". I turned around and wanted to pop him one but my name was being called. Through my three songs I was really angry and couldn't wait to get even. When I came back to my seat I mentioned to the folks who I was with about what the previous singer said to me. This is when I learned that he was wishing me good luck. I had never heard of that expression.
Beer

Subject: RE: BS: break a leg
From: Alice
Date: 24 Jun 06 - 08:19 PM

Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, "Danger! Beware of Dog" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old basset hound asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but chuckle. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

------------

Subject: RE: BS: break a leg
From: freda underhill
Date: 24 Jun 06 - 08:25 PM

thanks guys - at least i can laugh while immobilised.

re "She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions ".. well that just about sums it up! (shakes fist at the Mexican embassy!)

freda

Subject: RE: BS: break a leg
From: tarheel
Date: 24 Jun 06 - 08:27 PM

"break a leg" even goes back to the old vaudville days...
tar...

Subject: RE: BS: break a leg
From: freda underhill
Date: 24 Jun 06 - 08:30 PM

beer, i wasn't sure what to call this thread. Ideas included

Negotiating with crutches
Help mend my broken leg
Hopping to the kitchen table
Forces helplessness (already taken)
Immobilisation
Are there WLD at the Mexians Embassy (Weapons of Leg destruction)
..

Subject: RE: BS: break a leg
From: Beer
Date: 24 Jun 06 - 09:07 PM

Wonder where and how the saying got started? "Break a Leg". Sounds Irish to me.
Beer

Subject: RE: BS: break a leg
From: Alice
Date: 24 Jun 06 - 09:22 PM

Beer, it's from the superstition of not telling someone "good luck". You say break a leg, the opposite of saying good luck.

Subject: RE: BS: break a leg
From: GUEST,Jon
Date: 24 Jun 06 - 09:28 PM

A few suggestions here Beer.

Subject: RE: BS: break a leg
From: Beer
Date: 24 Jun 06 - 10:37 PM

Thanks Jon.
Interesting.

Subject: RE: BS: break a leg
From: freda underhill
Date: 24 Jun 06 - 11:00 PM

President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney are scheduled to testify before the international war crimes commission. I guess right now they're finalizing the seating arrangements. Should Bush sit on Cheney's right knee or his left knee?

Subject: RE: BS: break a leg
From: GUEST,mack/misophist
Date: 25 Jun 06 - 12:38 AM

Also true. Once upon a time I knew a ballet dancer, a real one.* It occured to me that they're just as superstitous as any other group but "break a leg" would be a definite no no. Seems that instead, dancers say "Merde!"


*By real, I mean that's all she did. It was her day job.

Subject: RE: BS: break a leg
From: CarolC
Date: 25 Jun 06 - 01:35 AM

Pobrecita, Freda.

Probably everybody's out gigging (I'm busy getting the house ready for guests and taking a short break). I don't know any leg jokes, so I send, instead, my sympathy.

I am not familiar with the story behind this thread. Why are you considering suing the Mexican Embassy?

Subject: RE: BS: break a leg
From: CarolC
Date: 25 Jun 06 - 01:37 AM

Oops. I must have posted to a thread I opened several hours ago and forgot I'd opened it. I could only see your two posts, Freda when I made my post.

Subject: RE: BS: break a leg
From: mrdux
Date: 25 Jun 06 - 03:17 AM

One Leg Too Few

Peter Cook: The scene is set in a producer's office. [moves a chair to center stage] By the magic of placing a chair in the middle of this place, we have conjured up a producer's office. [in character, calls out to stage right] Uh, Miss Rigby? Stella, my love? Would you send in the next auditioner, please? Thank you, my dear.

[Enter Moore, grinning broadly, wearing trench coat, hopping on one leg, the other leg -- the left one -- tucked under the coat - he hops over to Cook and shakes hands.]

Peter Cook: Nice to see you.

Dudley Moore: [still hopping up and down] Nice to see you.

P: Settle down. [puts a hand on Moore's shoulder and stops his hopping] Uh, Mr. Spiggott, is it not?

D: Yes, Spiggott's the name, acting's my game.

P: I see. Spiggott is the name and acting is your game.

D: Right.

P: If you'd like to settle down for one moment, Mr. Spiggott.

D: Certainly, yes.

P: Thank you very much. [Moore hops over to the chair and rests his "stump" on it] Mr. Spiggott, er, you are auditioning, are you not, for the role of Tarzan?

D: Yes.

P: Uh, Mr. Spiggott, I, uh, I couldn't help noticing -- almost immediately -- that you are a one-legged man.

D: Oh. You noticed that?

P: When you've been in the business as long as I have, Mr. Spiggott, you, uh, you get to notice these little things, almost instinctively.

D: Yeah. Sort of ESP.

P: That kind of thing, yes.

D: Mm, yes.

P: Now, Mr. Spiggott, you, a one-legged man, are applying for the role of Tarzan.

D: Yes, right.

P: A role traditionally associated with a two-legged artiste.

D: Yes, correct, yes, yes.

P: And yet you, a unidexter... are applying for the role.

D: Yes, right, yes.

P: A role for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement. Well, Mr. Spiggott, need I point out to you with overmuch emphasis where your deficiency lies as regards landing the role?

D: Yes, I think you ought to.

P: Perhaps I ought, yes. Need I say with, uh, too much stress that it is in the, uh, leg division that you are deficient.

D: The leg division?

P: The leg division, Mr. Spiggott. You are deficient in the leg division to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. It's a lovely leg for the role. As soon as I saw it come in, I said, "Hello! What a lovely leg for the role!"

D: Ah!

P: I've got nothing against your right leg.

D: Ah!

P: The trouble is -- neither have you. [delayed applause] You, uh, you fall down on the left.

D: You mean it's inadequate?

P: It is inadequate, Mr. Spiggott.

D: Mm.

P: In my view, the public is not yet ready ...

D: No?

P: ... for the sight of a one-legged Tarzan swinging through the jungly tendrils, shouting "Hello, Jane."

D: No. No, right.

P: But don't despair, Mr. Spiggott. I mean, after all, you score over a man with no legs at all. By one hundred percent.

D: Well, I've got twice as many.

P: You're streets ahead!

D: So there's still hope?

P: Of course there is still hope, Mr. Spiggott.

D: Ah!

P: I mean, if we get no two-legged character actors in here within, say, the next, oh, [checks his wristwatch] eighteen months, there is every chance that you, a unidexter, will be the very type of artiste we shall be attempting to contact with a view to jungle stardom.

D: [likes the sound of that] Jungle stardom.

[Moore gets off chair, shakes hands with Cook while hopping up and down.]

P: So my advice to you, Mr Spiggot, is: go home, hop on a bus! (Spiggot hobbles out of the room) That's right. . . thank you very much for coming, Mr Spiggot. Bye-bye!

Subject: RE: BS: break a leg
From: freda underhill
Date: 25 Jun 06 - 03:28 AM

Hi Carol and thanks for your kind words. nearly two weeks ago, I was up early and walking part of the way to work in Canberra. I do this walk regularly, 40 minutes from a suburb called Yarralumla along a road which has bushland and a lake on one side and a number of embassies from different countries on the other side. It was a cold morning (-7degrees) and i was enjoying the crisp air and watching parrots swooping when i stepped on some "black ice" on the footpath outside the Mexican embassy. They had left their sprinkler on - water from the sprinkler had gone across the concrete footpath and had frozen because it was so cold. I performed a spectacular gymnastic act and found myself flat on my back on a slab of ice..

I have been transformed into a crone with a walking stick, hobbling and waving my fist to the air... my brother (a lawyer) had the presence of mind to drive around & get some photos of the ice - maybe he can fund a trip to the next Getaway!

best wishes

freda

(listening to a very peaceful medieval choral piece)

Subject: RE: BS: break a leg
From: freda underhill
Date: 25 Jun 06 - 03:31 AM

thanks mrdux! I have been doing a very good job at hopping here and there, in the absence of a two legged person to fetch for me!!

Subject: RE: BS: break a leg
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 25 Jun 06 - 05:55 AM

Can you persuade one of the parrots you were watching to perch on your shoulder? Then all you need to do is teach him to say "Pieces of Eight" and yourself to say "Ah haar Jim lad" and you'll be able to get the part of Long John Silver in the Sydney Panto. I don't know which part of him you'll get, but with a bit of luck it won't be too chewy!
It may have been the time you recently spent in Austria which caused your accident, as the person who wrote the Skater's Waltz was Emile Waldteufel from Strasbourg, not too far away, unless it was the Mexican Hat dance you were doing outside that embassy!
Hey caramba, what's an ice girl like you doing lying on her back outside our embassy?
You want to claim asylum?
I thought you already lived in a nuthouse?
Try the next embassy along, it's Brazilian.

Giok

Subject: RE: BS: break a leg
From: freda underhill
Date: 25 Jun 06 - 06:12 AM

Giok, I'm afraid I made a right galah of myself. It was more Pilates than pirates, a bit of transcendental yoga, a demonstration of levitation that just didn't work (maybe AAAAAGHHH was the wrong mantra!). I've always had a thing about Mexican jumping beans, but they made me an old has-bean. Yes, I blame the Austrians too – and I was definitely skating on thin ice. But there was nothing musical about that moment – unless you count the rap-tap-tap of my spine as a sort of skater's Spinal Tap.

And what did I get for this? Not a bean. A Brazilian? Not in that weather..

freda

Subject: RE: BS: break a leg
From: JennyO
Date: 25 Jun 06 - 09:39 AM

How much is a Brazilian? - is it more than a billion?

Subject: RE: BS: break a leg
From: freda underhill
Date: 25 Jun 06 - 07:00 PM

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. The gangrene in your leg has spread and you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Subject: RE: BS: break a leg
From: SharonA
Date: 26 Jun 06 - 01:42 PM

**** Monty Python's Lifeboat sketch ****
**** from "Monty Python's Previous Record" ****

Scene: The interior of a lifeboat. Seagulls are crying.

(groans and coughs)
1: Still no sign of land. How long is it?
2: That's a rather personal question, sir.
(low voices)
1: You stupid git. I meant how long is it that we've been in the lifeboat? You've destroyed the atmosphere now.
2: I'm sorry.
1: Shut up. Start again.

(groans and coughs)
1: Still no sign of land. How long is it?
2: 33 days, sir.
1: Thirty-three days?
2: We can't go on much longer.
(low voices)
2: I didn't think I destroyed the atmosphere.
1: Shut up.
2: Well, I don't think I did.
1: 'Course you did.
2: (aside, to 3) Did you think I destroyed the atmosphere?
3: Yes I think you did.
1: Shut up. Shut up!

(groans and coughs)
1: Still no sign of land. How long is it?
2: 33 days, sir.
4: Have we started again? [slap from #1]

1: STILL no sign of land. How long is it?
2: 33 days, sir.
1: Thirty-three days?
2: We can't go on much longer, sir. We haven't eaten since the fifth day.
5: We're done for, we're done for!
1: Shut up, Maudling.
2: We've just got to keep hoping. Someone may find us.
6: How we feeling, Captain?
C: Not too good. I... I feel so weak.
2: We can't hold out much longer.
C: Listen... chaps... there's still a chance. I'm... done for, I've... got a gammy leg and I'm going fast; I'll never get through. But... some of you might. So... you'd better eat me.
?: Eat you, sir?
C: Yes. Eat me.
?: Iiuuhh! With a gammy leg?
C: You needn't eat the leg, Thompson. There's still plenty of good meat. Look at that arm.
5: It's not just the leg, sir.
C: What do you mean?
5: Well, sir...it's just that -
C: Why don't you want to eat me?
5: I'd rather eat Johnson, sir!
?: So would I, sir.
C: I see.
?: Then that's decided... everyone's gonna eat me!
?: Uh, well.
5: What, sir?
?: Go ahead, please, but I won't -
?: Oh nonsense, sir, you're starving; tuck in!
1: No, no, it's not that.
?: What's the matter with Johnson, sir?
1: Well, he's not kosher.
5: That depends how we kill him, sir.
1: Yes, that's true. But to be perfectly frank I... I like my meat a little more lean. I'd rather eat Hodges.
?: Oh well, all right.
5: I still prefer Johnson.
C: I wish you'd all stop bickering and eat me.
1: Look. I tell you what. Those who want to can eat Johnson.        And you, sir, can have my leg. And we make some stock from the Captain, and then we'll have Johnson cold for supper.
Crew: (cacophonous) Hmm, yes, good idea, excellent thinking, very good, I don't suppose we could have Hodges in the morning, jolly good idea, etc.

(Telephone rings)
Voice over: Hello! As a naval officer, I abhor the implication that the Royal Navy is a haven for cannibalism. It is well known that we now have the problem relatively under control, and that it is just the RAF who now suffer the largest casualties in this area. And what do you think the Argylls ate in Aden... Arabs? Yours etc., Captain B. J. Smethwick in a white wine sauce with shallots, mushrooms and garlic.

Subject: RE: BS: break a leg
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 26 Jun 06 - 02:38 PM

I have some good news and some bad news said the doctor to the patient.

I'm afraid we amputated the wrong leg; but the good news is, the other ones getting better!

G.

Subject: RE: BS: break a leg
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 26 Jun 06 - 02:55 PM

How is one persons inability to pay attention to the ground they're walking on anyone elses fault?

Subject: RE: BS: break a leg
From: Bardford
Date: 26 Jun 06 - 05:34 PM

Doctor: I've got some bad news and some good news.
Patient: What's the bad news?
Doctor: We have to amputate your feet.
Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: The guy in the next bed wants to buy your slippers.

Subject: RE: BS: break a leg
From: frogprince
Date: 26 Jun 06 - 06:15 PM

(Why am I bothering to say this?)
Clinton, since when does pouring water on a public sidewalk when the temperature is below freezing not constitute stupidity and thoughtless negligence?

Subject: RE: BS: break a leg
From: GUEST,amergin
Date: 26 Jun 06 - 08:43 PM

Reporter: Sir Paul McCartney, will you ever consider going down on one knee again?

Sir Paul: I would prefer it if you would refer to her as Heather or Ms Mills.

Subject: RE: BS: break a leg
From: freda underhill
Date: 26 Jun 06 - 09:06 PM

thanks guys, and evn you, Clinton, i feel i've joined a privileged majority to have been bitched at by you!

The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit.
"But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm," he complained.
"That's why the suit is such a bargain," the sales clerk explained. "Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this."
"But the right leg is way too short," argued the customer.
"No problem," the sales clerk answered. "Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That's why this suit is only thirty dollars."
Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit's left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car.
Two doctors happened along and noticed him.
"Good heavens," the first doctor said to the second, "look at that poor crippled fellow."
"Yeah," answered the second doctor. "But doesn't that suit fit well?"

Subject: RE: BS: break a leg
From: CarolC
Date: 27 Jun 06 - 12:46 AM

Well, freda, I must say, it's good to have a brother who is a lawyer.

;-)

Good luck with your lawsuit.

Subject: RE: BS: break a leg
From: freda underhill
Date: 27 Jun 06 - 01:17 AM

Thanks Carol

my brother has been a great help here and there thru my life. but i don't think i'll get him to send off any sort of claim. apart from the pain and inconvenience, so far all my costs have been covered by Medicare, and sick leave has been provided by work. if i decide to pursue damages with the Mexicans, I may not have a leg to stand on!

while various friends have been pushing for me to get a free trip (for TWO) to mexico out of this, the most I can hope for is to get well enough to do the mexican hat dance!

freda