BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions

Subject: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: Helen
Date: 27 Oct 06 - 07:11 PM

Hi all,

I've been thinking lately of the little verses that pop into my head at apt, and not so apt, moments.

Like when I am in a shop and I see a stuffed toy cow which is purple, and my brain retrieves this useful verse:

I've never seen a purple cow.
I hope I never see one,
but let me tell you anyhow
I'd rather see than be one.

(Ogden Nash, I think)

And then at the dinner table, eating peas or if there is a discussion about which fork or knife to use at a fancy dinner:

I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny,
but it keeps them on the knife.

(Ogden Nash)

And then there is the one for especially lucky occasions when you get what is known in Oz as a "lucky spot" i.e. bird poop lands on you from a flying bird and everyone says "Lucky spot! You should buy a lottery ticket!", which I can only vaguely remember:

When I was looking in the sky
A little bird pooped in my eye,
And I said, [or something like that??]
Thank the heavens cows don't fly.

And then there is the one I read in an obscure kids' storybook from the 1920's or earlier, which was handed down in my family:

When silly people say to me,
"Why do you want to go to sea?"
The answer plain will always be,
"I only want to go to see."


So, do you have any apt verses which pop up at relevant (or irrelevant) moments, from the dim recesses of your brain? I'd love to know what other people's poetic earworms are.

Helen

Helen

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: Bill D
Date: 27 Oct 06 - 07:46 PM

The author of "Purple Cow" (Gelette Burgess)

also wrote, years later..

"Ah, yes..I wrote "The Purple Cow"
I'm sorry now I wrote it.
But I can tell you anyhow,
I'll kill you if you quote it"

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: Bill D
Date: 27 Oct 06 - 07:48 PM

"I sneezed a sneeze into the air,
It fell to earth, I know not where.
But hard & cold were the looks of those
In whose vicinity I had snoze."

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: The Shambles
Date: 27 Oct 06 - 07:49 PM

The elephant is a funny bird
It flits from bough to bough
Makes its nest in rhubarb trees
And whistles like a cow.

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: jeffp
Date: 27 Oct 06 - 07:50 PM

A variant I saw was:

I've never seen a purple cow,
I never hope to see one.
But from the milk we're getting now,
There certainly must be one.

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: GUEST
Date: 27 Oct 06 - 07:51 PM

Ah little flo
I love her so
Especially in her nightie
When the moonlight flits
Across her tits
Ah Jesus Christ almighty.

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: Bill D
Date: 27 Oct 06 - 07:51 PM

from memory: (trying to remember author)

"I wish I loved the human race,
I wish I loved its silly face.
I wish I loved the way it walks.
I wish I loved the way it talks.
And when I'm introduced to one,
I WISH I thought, "what jolly fun!".

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: Bill D
Date: 27 Oct 06 - 08:01 PM

warning...earworm!








"Tenser" said the Tensor,
"Tenser" said the Tensor,
"Tension, apprehension and dissention have begun" ...*click*

repeat...

from an old sci-fi novel ...the hero is trying to find something to stay safe around a mind-reader.

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: gnomad
Date: 27 Oct 06 - 08:11 PM

Helen: UK variant on one of yours.

Little bird, flying high,
Drops a message from the sky.
Angry farmer wipes his eye,
Says "Thank heaven cows can't fly."

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: The Shambles
Date: 27 Oct 06 - 08:11 PM

1. Whatever goes upon two legs is an enemy.

2. Whatever goes upon four legs, or has wings, is a friend.

3. No animal shall wear clothes.

4. No animal shall sleep in a bed.

5. No animal shall drink alcohol.

6. No animal shall kill any other animal.

7. All animals are equal.

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: jeffp
Date: 27 Oct 06 - 08:27 PM

As I was walking down the stair,
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today.
I wish, I wish he'd go away!

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: The Shambles
Date: 27 Oct 06 - 08:58 PM

Two polar bears thought one day

To go on a safari

They couldn't decide

What car to ride

But settled on a Ferrari

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: Charley Noble
Date: 27 Oct 06 - 09:37 PM

There was a crooked man,
And he did very well!

From the Inner City Mother Goose

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 27 Oct 06 - 10:45 PM

There once was a girl
who had a little curl
right in the middle of her forehead.
And when she was good,
she was very, very good,
but when she was bad,
she was horrid!

~ Becky in Tucson
cowlicked

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 28 Oct 06 - 12:03 AM

Ther goes a happy moron,
He doesn't give a damn,
I wish I was a moron,
My god, I think I am.

eric

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: GUEST
Date: 28 Oct 06 - 01:29 AM

Becky,

My Mum used to say the little girl verse to me when I was being horrid. My Dad used to refer me as St Helena because I wasn't one.

Yes, gnomad, that's closer to the original one I heard.


Spring is sprung, the grass is ris,
the boid is on the wing.
Ain't that absoid, I always hoid
the wing was on the boid.

(Said in a funny accent, of course.)


Or,

There was a young man from St Paul,
who went to a fancy dress ball.
He thought he would risk it,
and go as a biscuit,
but a dog ate him up in the hall.

(Ooops! I might have just changed this into a limerick thread, but my Mum used to say that one too.)

Helen

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 28 Oct 06 - 01:36 AM

There once was a girl
who had a little curl
right in the middle of her forehead.
And when she was good,
she was very, very good,
but when she was bad,
She charged an extra £100.



I wish I was a little bug,
with whiskers round my tummy.
I'd climb into a honey pot
and make my tummy gummy.


Fuzzy Wuzzy wuz a bear,
Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair.
Fuzzy Wuzzy wuzzn't fuzzy,
Wuzzy?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: Helen
Date: 28 Oct 06 - 05:18 AM

Sorry, Guest 28 Oct 06 - 01:29 AM was me, cookie-less.

And Fuzzy Wuzzy reminds me of:

Erky Perky was a worm,
A worm was Erky Perky,
He climbed onto a railroad track
And, oooh, erky perky!!


There is one in a similar vein which goes "Oops! Peanut butter!"

Helen

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 28 Oct 06 - 05:28 AM

Epitapoem


Here lies the body of William Gray
He died maintaining his right of way
He was right; yes right! as he drove along
But he's just as dead, as if he'd been wrong.


Giok

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 28 Oct 06 - 06:22 AM

Here lies the body of Emily Chalotte,
Born a virgin, died a harlot,
A virgin still at seventeen,

A remarkable thing for Aberdeen.

eric

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: JennieG
Date: 28 Oct 06 - 11:55 PM

Helen, the verse I remember from childhood is:

One day as I was walking by
I saw a birdy flying high
He dropped a message from the sky,
And as I wiped it from my eye
I thank the Lord the cows don't fly!

and of course:
Peanut sitting on the railway line
His heart was all a-flutter
Train came roaring round the bend
Toot toot peanut butter!

Cheers
JennieG

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: RangerSteve
Date: 29 Oct 06 - 01:02 PM

From Ogden Nash:

THE CLAM
Esteemed by gourmets highly,
It lived the life of Riley.
While you're relaxing on the Piazza,
That's what you're as happy as a.

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: Alice
Date: 29 Oct 06 - 01:10 PM

Sing song from an old movie, classroom of boys chanting...

The square of the
hy-po-te-nuse
Of a right tri-angle
Is equal to the sum of the squares
Of the two adjacent sides.

When I get that going in my head, it won't go away!

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: gnomad
Date: 29 Oct 06 - 01:45 PM

Another "little bird" one;

Little bird with busted wing,
Cannot fly, does not sing.
Useless sod!

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 29 Oct 06 - 01:57 PM

the perfect Conservative:

As I was sitting in a chair
I knew the bottom wan't there
Nor legs nor back, but there I sat
Ignoring little things like that.

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: Helen
Date: 29 Oct 06 - 05:50 PM

JennieG,

That's closer to what I remember. Thanks. I only heard it a couple of times about 4 decades ago.

RangerSteve, you have answered a question I asked someone a few weeks ago. He was on the selection panel for a job interview and asked me whether I was happy in the new job. I told him I was as happy as a clam, but then asked him "how happy is a clam"? I should have known good old Ogden was to blame. :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: Bill D
Date: 29 Oct 06 - 11:10 PM

"The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks,
Which practically conceals his sex.
I think it clever of the turtle,
In such a fix, to be so fertile."

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 30 Oct 06 - 03:08 AM

One from the greatest Poet Laureate that Britain has yet had (until they give Les Barker the job);

Sir John Betjamin:

I rather think that I would like
To be the saddle of a ladies bike.

Says it all really.... this from a man who when interviewed shortly before his death, was asked the question 'Sir John, is there anything your regret about your life'. His answer 'Yes... not enough sex.'

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: GUEST,CrazyEddie
Date: 30 Oct 06 - 08:23 AM

A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His beak can hold more than his belly can.
He can hold in his beak,
Enough food for a week.
And I wonder just how-in-the-hell-he-can.

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 30 Oct 06 - 10:41 AM

The elephant is a very funny bird,
It flys from bough to bough,
It makes it's nest in a rhubarb tree,
And whistles like a cow.

eric

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 30 Oct 06 - 11:55 AM

I spent a lot of last Friday reciting the pelican poem - we were walking in St James' park at the time, where there is a small flock of them. They terrorise the ducks and eat passing tourists.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: Bill D
Date: 30 Oct 06 - 02:38 PM

I just saw a video of a pelican eating a pigeon! I don't trust 'em!

"A Glossina morinas bit rich Aunt Betsy.
Tsk, tsk, TseTse."

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: Gurney
Date: 31 Oct 06 - 12:46 AM

There was a little caterpillar,
thought life was a farce.
He climbed up all the shrubs and trees,
and slid down on his hands and knees.

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 31 Oct 06 - 03:36 AM

Talking of eating... some more wisdom from Ogden Nash:

On Ketchup:
If you do not shake the bottle,
None will come, and then a lot'll.

On Celery:
Celery , raw,
develops the jaw,
But celery stewed,
is more quickly chewed.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: GUEST,CrazyEddie
Date: 31 Oct 06 - 07:26 AM

I wish I was a monkey,
Running through the grass
I'd climb up all the monkey trees,
And slide down on my ...
Hands and knees

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 31 Oct 06 - 08:29 AM

I can't remember the final version of the first 3, and I may have not phrased the last 4 exactly correct, but remember that the sheep condensed this all to

"For legs good - two legs ba-a-a-a-ad!"


1. Whatever goes upon two legs is an enemy.

2. Whatever goes upon four legs, or has wings, is a friend.

3. No animal shall wear clothes.

4. No animal shall sleep in a bed (with sheets).

5. No animal shall drink alcohol (to excess).

6. No animal shall kill any other animal (without just cause).

7. All animals are equal (but some are more equal than others).

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 31 Oct 06 - 10:52 AM

The golf links are so near the mill
That almost every day
The labouring children can look out
And see the men at play.

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: Bill D
Date: 31 Oct 06 - 12:07 PM

"A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog, in fun
Asked her which leg came after which-
She lay distracted in a ditch,
Considering how to run."

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: Helen
Date: 02 Nov 06 - 07:35 PM

Thanks everyone, I am really enjoying reading these little verses.

Guest, CrazyEddie, I have often heard the first two lines of the pelican verse but I think I have only ever heard the second two lines once, a long time ago. So thanks for the whole thing.

Helen

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: JennyO
Date: 02 Nov 06 - 09:48 PM

The first time I heard the whole pelican verse, it was being quoted by Peter Falk on his TV show, Columbo. I don't remember why he was quoting it.

Meanwhile, while thinking about cows, this one, from John Lennon's "Spaniard in the Works" comes to mind:

THE NATIONAL HEALTH COW

I strolled into a farmyard
When no-one was about
Treading past the troubles
I raised my head to shout.

'Come out the Cow with glasses,'
I called and rolled my eye.
It ambled up toward me,
I milked it with a sigh.

'You're just in time' the cow said,
Its eyes were all aglaze,
'I'm feeling like an elephant,
I aren't been milked for days.'

'Why is this? ' I asked it,
Tugging at its throttles.
'I don't know why, perhaps it's 'cause
MY milk comes out in bottles.'

'That's handy for the government,'
I thought, and in a tick
The cow fell dead all sudden
(I'd smashed it with a brick).

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: Moses
Date: 03 Nov 06 - 05:45 PM

Machines were mice and men were Lions
Once upon a time
But now it is the opposite
It's twice upon a time




I'd like to be a poet
but my poetry will not scan
Perhaps it is because I try
To get as many words and phrases into the last line as I possibly can

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: GUEST,Wade
Date: 07 Nov 06 - 06:32 AM

A boy stood upon top deck,
Eating blowflies by the peck;
Father should I eat the wings?
No my son the're dirty things.

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 08 Nov 06 - 03:35 AM

Ah... someone has to do it...

The boy stood on the burning deck,
His body all aquiver...
He gave a cough,
his leg fell off
and floated down the river!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: Mo the caller
Date: 08 Nov 06 - 07:06 AM

Piggy on the railway picking up stones
Along came a train and broke piggy's bones
Oh said piggy that's not fair
Oh said the engine driver I don't care

and

Way down south, where bananas grow
A grasshopper stepped on an elephant's toe
The elephant said, with tears in his eyes
Pick on someone your own size

have become family catch phrases 'oh said piggy, that's not fair' & 'pick on some one your own size'

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: GUEST,CrazyEddie
Date: 08 Nov 06 - 07:13 AM

The boy stood on the burning deck,
His feet were full of blisters.
The Captain sat in a public house,
With beer running down his whiskers.

Subject: RE: BS: Cows/peas - apt verses for all occasions
From: JennyO
Date: 08 Nov 06 - 07:35 AM

The boy stood in the banquet hall,
When all but he had fled.
He'd finished off the cakes and jam
And nearly done the bread.

"This is my thirteenth cup of tea!"
He cried with accents wild.
"Just one more crust before I bust..."
(He was a vulgar child)

There came a burst of thunder sound.
The boy, oh where was he?
Just ask the maids who swept him up,
All cakes, and jam, and tea.