Monologue about biscuit 'thief'?

Subject: Monologue about biscuit 'thief'?
From: GUEST,Andy
Date: 13 Feb 07 - 10:48 AM

Some years ago, in the 70's, there was a very entertaining duo doing the rounds, called the Beggarmen (or The Two Beggarmen). These lads were from the Lancashire side of the Pennines I think and were a fiddler, called Martin and a guitarist/singer who's name now escapes me.They provided some great nights at our club with their music, song and comedy. Now here's the question! The singer used to do a monologue, ridiculing racial stereotyping and bigotry, and its that which I'm after. It concerns a man who goes into a cafe, buys a cuppa and a packet of biscuits and sits at a table opposite 'one o' them Pakyoostani fellers'. He opens the packet, takes the first biscuit and the stranger opposite glares at him and snatches the second. This continues until the biscuits are gone, with the man believing the stranger to be taking exceptional liberties. He leaves the cafe, only to find a packet of biscuits in his coat pocket. The story finishes on the line 'Them bicuits weren't mine,........ they were his'. Very comical, as I recall and really takes the p**s out of having pre-conceived ideas about foreigners. If anyone knows of this, I would be grateful for the words.

Regards

Andy

Subject: RE: Monologue about biscuit 'thief'?
From: GUEST,jeff
Date: 26 Jul 14 - 01:03 PM

my friend knows the words - if i can get them off him i will post them :)

Subject: RE: Monologue about biscuit 'thief'?
From: GUEST,#
Date: 27 Jul 14 - 09:50 AM

http://www.folkimages.com/GALL2.html

"The Two Beggarmen

In the 70's and 80's I spent many a fine evening in the Company of Martin Lynott and Tony Downes performing as the Two Beggarman and their 'Flowers of Manchester' LP was well worn. Nowadays both are still active on the scene and, amongst other things, are regular attendees of the Monday night sessions at the Oddfellows Arms in Middleton while Tony often appears with The Hometowners."

Sorry I can't help with lyrics.

Subject: RE: Monologue about biscuit 'thief'?
From: Mo the caller
Date: 27 Jul 14 - 10:40 AM

Last heard a version of that story transposed to a train, on Countdown.

Subject: RE: Monologue about biscuit 'thief'?
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 27 Jul 14 - 10:52 AM

There is a poem by Valerie Fox called 'The Cookie Thief'. If you Google it you can read it. It might once have been recited in a monologue; it's the same story, but set in an airport.

Subject: RE: Monologue about biscuit 'thief'?
From: Noreen
Date: 28 Jul 14 - 12:15 PM

Flowers of Manchester (CD copy of 1980 vinyl album) available via Amazon and ebay.
Track B3 is called A Packet of Biscuits.

Subject: RE: Monologue about biscuit 'thief'?
From: Musket
Date: 28 Jul 14 - 02:33 PM

That takes me back..

I supported them once at an Amnesty International fund raising gig and bought "The Flowers of Manchester" album from them. Possibly 1982 ish.

I still play two songs I learned from it, the title track and "First Flame." I reckon a couple of my silly titles for jigs and reels came from them too. "Granny get off the stove, you're too old to ride the range" has a sniff of them about it...

Subject: RE: Monologue about biscuit 'thief'?
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 10 Sep 14 - 07:40 AM

Last week in a café in Rochdale
a packet of biscuits I got
to dunk in a nice cup of strong British tea
in cracked leaking mug ... piping hot

I sat down in a seat in the corner
to partake of this repast so fine
when in comes this here Pakistani fella
and sits down in the seat next to mine

Well I opened up packet of biscuits
an' I took out first 'un with stealth
when this cheeky here Paki nasty
he reached across table an' pinched next biscuit himself

Well I thought that he were foreign like
and not proper educated like me
I thought well I'd better not say nowt, so I shut me gob
an' carried on dunking in me tea

But when I took out third biscuit
oh eh this bugger got me proper vexed
cos without so much as a cuse me, thank you
he reached across table an' pinches one of next

There were five custard creams in that packet
an' four of the buggers had gone
so I getten last one and crushed it in carpet
I was buggered if he'd get that one

And I stormed out of that café in anger
and I said to myself bloody hell
they come over here pinching our jobs
now their robbing us biscuits as well

Well I getten twenty yards down the High Street
all set to give Enoch me vote
well without so much thinking about it
I put me hand into the pocket of me overcoat

Didn't I laugh when I seem 'em
it fair drove me in a tizz
cos there were a packet of custard creams
them biscuits we'd eaten .. were his

Subject: RE: Monologue about biscuit 'thief'?
From: GUEST
Date: 11 Sep 14 - 04:37 AM

Refresh

Subject: RE: Monologue about biscuit 'thief'?
From: GUEST,Steve C
Date: 17 Jan 16 - 11:44 AM

Just as an odd-on to this, the monologue - A Packet Of Biscuits - was written by my dad Mike Canavan in the mid-70s.