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BS: Joke thread for 2024

31 Dec 23 - 12:16 PM (#4194550)
Subject: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Steve Shaw

As the hedge fund manager gets out of his brand-new Porsche, a truck goes racing by, taking off the door. “My Porsche! My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined!” he screams.

A police officer on the scene shakes his head in disgust. “I can’t believe you,” he says. “You’re so focused on your possessions that you didn’t even realize your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you.”

The hedge fund manager looks down in absolute horror. “Oh, no!” he cries. “My Rolex!”


(Cheers, RD!)


31 Dec 23 - 12:36 PM (#4194553)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver

I asked my blonde lady friend why she had named her dogs 'Rolex' and 'Timex' 'Helloooo' she said, 'isn't it obvious....they're watch dogs'!!


31 Dec 23 - 02:13 PM (#4194557)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

blue fish
red fish
dead fish
blue fish

The eagles who soar through the sky are at rest
including creatures who crawl, run and creep
I know you're not thirsty. That's bullshit. Stop lying
Lie the fuck down, my darling, and sleep.


The kittens nestle close to their mothers now.
The lambs have laid down with the sheep.
You're cozy and warm in your bed, my dear
Now go the fuck to sleep.

Dr. Neuss


31 Dec 23 - 09:24 PM (#4194577)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Steve Shaw

A young girl brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings, his general scruffiness.

The girl's mum says quietly to her daughter, “Darling, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, for goodness sake, mum," says the daughter, "If he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”


01 Jan 24 - 08:40 AM (#4194610)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

That's disturbing, Don.

Each evening bird-lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl. One night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation."
Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next-door neighbor.
"My husband spends his nights... calling out to owls," she said.
"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."


01 Jan 24 - 09:14 AM (#4194614)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk

Just seen in RISKS Digest:

[...] generative modeling [ie AI] is now capable of doing what used
to be done by hand faster than when it was done by hand. This is
improving flood hazard prediction. I would add to that prediction:
flood insurance premiums are likely to rise. Umbrella disclaimer,


01 Jan 24 - 09:26 AM (#4194616)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Steve Shaw

I heard that that was actually a true story, gillymor. Names different, of course!


01 Jan 24 - 09:41 AM (#4194620)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

Wouldn't be surprised.


01 Jan 24 - 09:56 AM (#4194621)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Geoff Wallis

It's always wise to check Snopes.

Birdwatchers call each other

As penance, here's some Ken Dodd gags.

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome, it started off badly but by the end I really liked it.

I used to think I was marvellous in bed until I discovered that all my girlfriends suffered from asthma.

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.


01 Jan 24 - 12:38 PM (#4194629)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Steve Shaw

Heard Doddy saying this on the wireless when we were on holiday in Criccieth in 1965: "What a beautiful day! What a beautiful day for jumping naked into a supermarket trolley and shouting, 'How about THIS for a special offer!'"


01 Jan 24 - 02:12 PM (#4194637)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy

Oh, Steve, what an image, thank you! Somehow my visual has an oldish curmudgeonly Brit in it, telling folks not to put garlic in things...


01 Jan 24 - 02:53 PM (#4194646)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Steve Shaw

SOME things! And never applied via a garlic crusher!


02 Jan 24 - 09:38 AM (#4194693)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

By coincidence, Biden and Trump die on the same day. They both see that the stairway to heaven has no handrail at the pearly gate. St. Peter tells them they are both welcomed by executive privilege. Biden starts climbing up the stairs on all fours. Trump asks Peter "Is there an escalator"?
NO
"How about an elevator"?
NOO
Trump calls heaven a shit hole, shuffles back to his limo, and takes the highway to hell.


02 Jan 24 - 10:20 AM (#4194695)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Steve Shaw

And the punchline is...?


02 Jan 24 - 10:47 AM (#4194698)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

Pretending to be a dumb shithead isn't always a pretense.

Gary Larson is on the far side but Republicans are over the edge.


02 Jan 24 - 11:27 AM (#4194699)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

We understand it Don. It just isn't funny. I suspect that it could be a transatlantic thing. There are are some US comedy shows and stand ups that work on both sides of the pond but I do find a lot of US comedy about as funny as toothache. I think it is the same the other way too.

How about some Christmas cracker jokes :-D

Why was the snowman in veg patch?
He was picking his nose

What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet?
A mistle-toad

What happened to the man that stole an advent calendar?
He got 25 days


02 Jan 24 - 11:47 AM (#4194704)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy

Excellent snowman joke. Steve, my visual is now brandishing a garlic press. Whee!


02 Jan 24 - 12:13 PM (#4194707)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

American and Australian humor must be far more hardcore than yours.
I should assume you guys are delicate and fragile.

How did a flower get elected? "It 'rose' to the occasion!
What do you call a flower that makes electricity? A power plant!
What do you call a clumsy flower? A Whoopsi-Daisy.
What did the bee say to the flower? You're pollen my leg!
Why did the chicken cross the toad? It was Good Friday.


02 Jan 24 - 01:00 PM (#4194714)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

It's not a transatlantic thing, Dave.


02 Jan 24 - 01:27 PM (#4194716)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Steve Shaw

I'm glad you said that. Understanding a funny joke has nothing to do with not being fragile or delicate and there's no such thing as a hard-core joke. Donuel's jokes are not funny and they're not even jokes. They are simply attempts at polluting what's supposed to be a light-hearted thread with trolling. It's a worrying sign that there's something gone badly wrong in the upstairs department.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

"Aye, matey!"

I'll get me coat...


02 Jan 24 - 03:20 PM (#4194727)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Steve Shaw

I'm only familiar with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

(Shaddup, I've only got one coat!)


03 Jan 24 - 04:51 AM (#4194759)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Thanks gillymor.


03 Jan 24 - 07:18 AM (#4194775)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

A Pagan died on Christmas and went to Heaven. St. Peter met him at the gate. "You can't come in here," St. Peter said.

The Pagan asked why...

"You're Pagan ... I'm sorry", St. Peter replied. "But Hell isn't so bad. Your friends are there, and they say it's good."

"But "Yule is a solstice celebration observed by Pagans as the second sabbat of the Wheel of the Year, marked with rituals to welcome the return of the Sun and celebration of light before Jews and Christians made up Hannukah and Christmas !"

Peter said : "Forget it, we're in charge now"

The Pagan was depressed, but went anyway just because he was, well - Pagan...When he arrives in Hell, he sees a beautiful green field with amusement rides, and people picnicking and having a great time...A man in a white suit comes over to him and presents himself as Satan, and then tells him of all the delights to be had in what appears to be a 4-star slightly seedy resort...

"Woww!" thinks the Pagan, "Hell isn't so bad! I'm happy to be here."

Suddenly, the sky gets black ...and fire spews from the ground. A screaming, flaming man falls from the sky and is swallowed up by a crack in the earth...After he disappears, everything returns to how it was again...

"What in Hell was that?" the Pagan asks Satan...

Satan replies, "That was a Christian. They wouldn't have Hell any other way!


03 Jan 24 - 09:56 AM (#4194793)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Steve Shaw

You posted that joke on 23 December. I must say, it hasn't improved much.


03 Jan 24 - 10:06 AM (#4194796)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Steve Shaw

Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

At the moment I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I simply can't put it down.


04 Jan 24 - 12:22 PM (#4194849)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

Stop me if you've heard this one-

Doctor: Mr. Jones, I'm afraid you only have only 6 weeks to live.

Jones: Oh God what terrible news!

Doctor: It could be worse.

Jones: HOW, how in heaven's name could it be worse?

Doctor: Well, it could have been me.


Another oldie-

Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."


04 Jan 24 - 08:10 PM (#4194884)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Steve Shaw

A blind man went into a bar with his guide dog. All of a sudden, to the horror of everyone in the bar, he grabbed the dog's tail with both hands and swung the dog round his head.

"Oi, mate, what do you think you're doing!" shouted the barman.

"Nothing really," said the bloke, "Just looking around..."


04 Jan 24 - 08:21 PM (#4194885)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Steve Shaw

A bloke was at the pearly gates, hoping to get into heaven.

St Peter sez to him, "Not sure about you. Have you ever done a really good deed with which you can impress me?"

"Well, there was this vulnerable young woman who was being seriously harassed by three big bikers. I went up to the biggest one, kicked him in the nuts and told the other two that if they pestered the girl again they'd have me to answer to."

"Wow, that's mighty impressive! So when did this happen?"

"Two minutes ago."


04 Jan 24 - 08:43 PM (#4194893)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Steve Shaw

Two old blokes were having a natter. One sez, "You know, my biggest regret is that I never had a proper education, so I'm going to sign up at the local college."

So off he goes, and the dean says to him that he can sign up for English, maths, history and logic.

"Logic?" Sez he, "What's that??"

"Well let me give you an example. Have you got a weed wand?"

"Well yes..."

"Well I conclude from that that you have a garden."

"Well yes I do!"

"And from that, I conclude that you have a house."

"That's true!"

"And from that I conclude that you have a family."

"Wow, right again!"

"So you have a wife..."

"Absolutely - right again!"

"So you must be heterosexual."

"Gosh, right again!"

He goes back to his friend and tells him that he's signed up for English, Maths, history and logic.

"Logic?" Sez his friend, "What's that?"

"Well, I'll give you an example, right? Have you got a weed wand?"

"Er, no..."

"Jaysus, you queer!"


04 Jan 24 - 08:58 PM (#4194894)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Steve Shaw

Not a joke as such, but today at the Morrisons checkout (I was buying, er, several bottles of wine...), the lady doing the checkout told me she'd thought of doing dry January but had changed her mind. "Excellent," said I, "It's a very silly idea anyway!"

She said she'd decided to do "dry Lent" instead. I had to inform her of that thing she hadn't thought about, that January has only 31 days whereas Lent has forty days and forty nights. She went all quiet on me. I'll be back tomorrow to see whether she's altered her thinking... :-)

(I forgot to get mozzarella anyway!)


05 Jan 24 - 04:21 AM (#4194901)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: G-Force

... which is why I prefer dry February.


05 Jan 24 - 05:01 AM (#4194902)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Steve Shaw

I'm a dry Good Friday morning man myself.


05 Jan 24 - 05:35 AM (#4194904)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

I gave up drinking once.

Worst 2 hours of my life.


05 Jan 24 - 05:50 AM (#4194905)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

I don't drink anymore... I don't drink any less, either.


05 Jan 24 - 06:53 AM (#4194912)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Steve Shaw

Bloke rings up his doctor, "Doc, I think my son's got the clap. Thing is, the only person he's ever shagged is our cleaning lady."

"Don't worry, old chap, just bring him in and we'll sort it..."

"Thing is, doc, I've been shagging her as well and now I've got symptoms too..."

"Don't worry, both come in and we'll sort you out..."

"But doc, I think my wife's also got it..."

"Oh shit!" sez the doc, "That means we've all got it!"


05 Jan 24 - 09:49 AM (#4194924)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver

My barber doesn't cut hair any longer....... he does cut it shorter.


05 Jan 24 - 05:47 PM (#4194957)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Sol

I bumped into an old work mate from the sawmill the other day. He gave me a high two.


06 Jan 24 - 06:35 AM (#4195000)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Steve Shaw

The chief constable was interviewing three candidates for the job of detective. He called the first one in, showed him a photo and said, "This is a photo of a suspect. Look closely and tell me what you make of it."

"Well, sir, the man has only the one eye."

"You fool! It's a profile photo and you can't see his other eye! Get out!"

He called in the next candidate, showed him the photo and asked him the same question.

"Well, sir, he's got just the one ear..."

"Idiot! There's no way you can tell that from his profile! Get out!"

In came the third candidate and he was asked the same question.

"Well, sir, this man wears contact lenses." The chief constable pored over the photo and he couldn't see how the chap could have made such an assertion, but he decided to check the suspect's records. He discovered that the suspect did indeed wear contact lenses.

"That's quite remarkable," he said to the candidate, "Tell me, how did you work that one out?"

"Well, sir, as he's got only one eye and one ear there's no way he could wear ordinary specs..."


08 Jan 24 - 10:17 AM (#4195112)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Bloke goes in a cafe and orders pissoles and chips

"Oh, sorry", says the owner. "That's a misspelling. It should be an 'r', not a 'p'"

"OK. I'll have arseoles and chips then"


08 Jan 24 - 10:29 AM (#4195113)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Steve Shaw

Hmm. I've never tried pork scratchings with chips...


08 Jan 24 - 11:13 AM (#4195117)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Yorkshire couple on a coach tour of Wales

"Whats that building over there?"

"Tintern Abbey"

" 'tis an abbey..."


08 Jan 24 - 06:47 PM (#4195142)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Steve Shaw

A Yorkshireman's beloved dog has just died. He goes to the jewellers. "Eyup, lad, can tha mek me a gold statue o' me whippet?"

"Certainly, sir. Would you like it eighteen carat?"

"Nay, yer daft bugger. Just chewin' a bone..."


09 Jan 24 - 06:06 AM (#4195164)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver

Woman took her two dead monkeys to the taxidermist to get them stuffed. The taxidermist asked 'Do you want them mounted'? She replied 'No thanks, just holding hands'


09 Jan 24 - 12:26 PM (#4195193)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Steve Shaw

"Mummy, mummy, all the kids at school are teasing me because I’m still a virgin!”

"Well, lad, go back and start giving them bad marks for their essays and they’ll stop.”


09 Jan 24 - 07:38 PM (#4195216)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy

What, don't they think you're good enough for your Pa?!


09 Jan 24 - 08:10 PM (#4195217)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Steve Shaw

?


11 Jan 24 - 07:42 AM (#4195268)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

I think it is probably a hillbilly type keep it in the family reference, Steve.

A bear comes limping into a saloon in the wild west.

"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..."


11 Jan 24 - 08:24 AM (#4195273)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

Installing mirrors is a job I can see myself doing.


11 Jan 24 - 09:04 AM (#4195275)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Bill D

Jack was from a poor family with many siblings.
As the eldest child, he took up the responsibility of helping his parents financially by doing odd jobs, be it collecting recyclable scraps, cleaning, babysitting, dog walking or simple repair work. He had no choice but to drop out of high school at the age of 14 to work full time in order for his other siblings to have a chance at higher education.

His hard work, dedication and skill with tools led him to be hired by a small local repair shop. There he learnt to repair almost every electric equipment under the sun. The shop owner was so impressed at his ability to learn different trades, that he even sponsored Jack to attend a few courses.

However, being a small shop, the owner couldn’t afford to pay him a large salary. Jack was used to being frugal by now and saved whatever money he had to be used for his sibling’s education. His only luxury was eating naan at an Indian restaurant only a monthly basis.

Realising that he could save a lot more if he cooked the naan himself, Jack bought himself a hot cast skillet, looked up a few recipes and began cooking. He tried and tried, altering the recipe and cooking method ever so slightly until he finally found the perfect naan recipe.

Jack first let his siblings try the naan he cooked, then slowly began selling them to his neighbours. Seeing a market for his naan, he opened up a small store by the road side and sold naan.

His naan business flourished. He soon earned enough to send his siblings to university and open up a small shop by himself. There were many blunders and mistakes made when he first managed his own restaurant, but once he got the hang of it, he had enough money to open more and more outlets. He soon had 25 outlets nationwide.

His rags to riches story drew the attention of media. When asked on his success, Jack grinned from ear to ear and replied “I’m Jack of all trades, master of naan”.


11 Jan 24 - 01:48 PM (#4195284)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

What do the d9nkeys on Blackpool beach get for dinner?

Half an hour like everyone else


17 Jan 24 - 11:19 AM (#4195618)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk

I know Cecil Sharp House is called "C House" by its friends. It's just occurred to me to wonder: Did Cecil live in D at the top?


19 Jan 24 - 07:35 AM (#4195750)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

Jesus loves you because he doesn't know you.


19 Jan 24 - 09:20 AM (#4195761)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

That's a good one, Don, sounds like something George Carlin would've come up with.


19 Jan 24 - 12:57 PM (#4195794)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

Steven Wright.

I had a skylight installed in my ceiling.
My upstairs neighbors were furious.


21 Jan 24 - 07:18 AM (#4195862)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Captain Swing

We had a new neighbour move in last month, he'd come from West Yorkshire. One night I heard him in his garden shouting "Grieg!, Grieg! Grieg!"

I went out, introduced myself and asked him why he was shouting "Grieg!"

He said "Am calling t'dog. That's is name."

I said, "That's an unusual name for a dog. Why did you choose it?"

He said, "Because he likes t'pee againt suite!


21 Jan 24 - 07:45 AM (#4195867)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

I did that one on an older joke thread! I heard the Lancashire version from the Oldham Tinkers but it's always good to be reminded of it :-)


21 Jan 24 - 03:40 PM (#4195889)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

Voices from the future:

130 degrees isn't that hot you cupcake. Just stay hydrated...
What do you mean there is no water?

Who knew that Christian Fascism wouldn't be good for Christians, fascists, or anyone else?


21 Jan 24 - 03:43 PM (#4195891)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Hey, they were nearly jokes, Don. You just need to work on getting a funny bit in there somewhere.


21 Jan 24 - 03:53 PM (#4195894)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

Give us a voice from the future Dave. Maybe something from Marvel.


21 Jan 24 - 04:29 PM (#4195896)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy

Um, Greg? Sweat? Tout de suite? Sorry!


21 Jan 24 - 05:01 PM (#4195900)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Still not getting it, Don? What is it that you don't understand about jokes?


21 Jan 24 - 05:17 PM (#4195902)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk

OK, here's one for the oldies ....

Noah is leaning on the doorpost of the Ark, glowing with the satisfaction of a job well done: the Ark has grounded, the door is open, the beasts have gone forth, and he's just finished muckin' out their pens. Then he hears an awful racket:

brUmmm brrrRRRRRRRRR *crunch*
brUmmm brrrRRRrrrRRRrrrRRRRRRR *crunch*

What's this? thinks he, and goes to investigate. He follows the noise, and finds a freshly-cut clearing in the forest, in which two snakes are, erm, snake-handling a chainsaw and about to fell another tree.

"What's all this?" says he. "I said 'Go forth and multiply', not 'Go forth and demolish the environment'."

"But we're adders," say the snakes. "If you want us to multiply, we need log tables."


22 Jan 24 - 04:43 AM (#4195930)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

The Lord said unto John, "come forth".

But he came fifth and won a copper kettle


22 Jan 24 - 10:08 AM (#4195940)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk

> a copper kettle

Does that make John the patron saint of moonshiners?


22 Jan 24 - 11:00 AM (#4195944)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

Another Donuel parody:

After one whole term of being lazy
Like an old man, he's half asleep
Now it seems that he's half crazy
but is as mean as a lying creep
Trump is not a new sensation
He's done pretty well I think
But this half-ton imitation
is circling right down the sink

He's wild again, beguiled again
A simpering, whimpering child again
Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered is he
He's a lot like villain John Wilkes Booth
He tweets DON'T BELIEVE what our eyes see
Bewitched, he's allergic to the truth

Lost the vote, but so what of it
He is old I agree
He can laugh, and we love it
Although the laugh's on me
Pastors sing to him, folks bring to him
Donations for lawyers that cling to him

Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered is he
He's a fool and don't I know it
But a fool can have his charms
He's confused and he really shows it
Revenge will be his harm
He's the same old sad sensation
Lately, I've not slept a wink
Since this half-ton imitation
Washed rights right down the sink

He's sinned a lot; I mean a lot
He's like a repeat craven felon
Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered is he
The fringe loves him, but I CRINGE from him
Some worship the red tie that clings to him
Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered is he

When he talks, he is seeking
Hatred to get off his chest
with his word salad speaking, he's at his very best
Vexed again, perplexed again
As God, he wants us obsessed again
Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered is he

Wise at last, my eyes at last
Are cutting him down to size at last
Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered no more
Burned a lot, we've learned a lot
And now he thinks he beat Barak,
Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered no more

For all we know he is dyspeptic
Sanity is a real no-go
I hope the election's antiseptic
and he's locked up in Mara Lago
Donald Trump, finis, your chance, finis
Those ants that invaded our House, finis
Bewitched bothered and bewildered no more.


22 Jan 24 - 11:08 AM (#4195945)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

There is a thread for Trump stuff, Don. What do you think would happen if I started shitting all over that?

Maybe you should read How to write a joke


22 Jan 24 - 03:24 PM (#4195963)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

Joke thread, Don, JOKE thread!


23 Jan 24 - 06:19 AM (#4195988)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver

At the time of The Flood it was decided that the koi Carp deserved their own ark so Noah built one with a few levels allowing the Koi to swim freely up and down. It had to be towed behind the main ark on a very long rope. They needed the protection of their ark but also deserved some freedom so the koi would sometimes go off on a little adventure and when they came back they would tell Noah where they'd been and what they'd done.
Noah looked forward to this and day after day there was a new story for him.
This was probably the very first multi-storey carp ark.


23 Jan 24 - 08:02 AM (#4195994)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

:D:D:D


23 Jan 24 - 11:04 AM (#4196007)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse. Then she told me to take off her skirt. Then she told me never to wear her clothes again.


25 Jan 24 - 08:06 AM (#4196142)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Charmion's brother Andrew

Nicked for future use, Georgiansilver.


25 Jan 24 - 08:09 AM (#4196144)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

By me too :-D


27 Jan 24 - 03:18 PM (#4196253)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

I just burned my Hawaiian pizza. I should have cooked it on aloha temperature! :-D


27 Jan 24 - 10:27 PM (#4196262)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy

Why? Kiki said so!


28 Jan 24 - 02:42 AM (#4196265)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

I don't get that one. Sorry Mrrzy :-(

Maybe I'm a bit slow today!


28 Jan 24 - 03:29 AM (#4196266)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Ahhhhhh. Just got it. Yes, I am a but slow :-)


28 Jan 24 - 09:21 AM (#4196273)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy

Like is slow on beaches, Dave!


28 Jan 24 - 11:03 AM (#4196278)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk

Stolen from the Comments section of The Register (re salt in tea):

> Most butter in Tibet is rancid

According to my in-depth studies of an old Journal Of Record[1], the supply of Tibetan rancid yak butter has been endangered by the import of modern detergents, as the yaks are no longer rancid.

[1] The Beano


28 Jan 24 - 03:30 PM (#4196295)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Thompson

While we're being biblical, an old, old Dublin joke:

Why did the ten leppers stand afar off?*
To get a good run for the lep.


* Luke 17:11-19


28 Jan 24 - 06:43 PM (#4196305)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Bill D

The teacher is conducting vocabulary lessons.

"Today's word is 'frugal'. Does anyone know what it means?"
Silence... "Well, it means 'saving'. Johnny, can you tell up how it can be used?"

Johnny thinks for a minute.. "Um, a famous knight was riding out one day when he saw a maiden being attacked by a dragon!
She saw him and cried out "Frugal me! Frugal me!".. so he killed the dragon and frugaled her, and they lived happily ever after!"


29 Jan 24 - 02:27 PM (#4196343)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy

I meant life, not like.


29 Jan 24 - 04:04 PM (#4196347)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Life's a beach...


01 Feb 24 - 05:29 PM (#4196497)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy

Three logicians sit down at a bar. The bartender asks "Do all three of you want a beer?"

The first logician says "I don't know"

The second logician says "I don't know"

The third logician says "Yes"


02 Feb 24 - 05:01 AM (#4196510)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver

A facebook post told me that sleeping with your pet can help build your immune system to allergies, can help you to feel more comforted in general life and to bond better with your pet. I can tell you... I tried it.... I almost drowned and ended up swallowing my goldfish


08 Feb 24 - 08:52 AM (#4196771)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk

Fresh off the block ....

Mondegreen: the hearing equivalent of an optical delusion.

Pun: ditto, with mischief aforethunk.


10 Feb 24 - 11:04 AM (#4196857)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy

People who confuse etymology and entomology bug me so much I can't find the words...


10 Feb 24 - 11:38 AM (#4196858)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

lol


11 Feb 24 - 09:08 AM (#4196927)
Subject: RE: BS:Mudcat Joke for 2024
From: Donuel

What did the paraplegic orphan deaf dumb and blind kid get for Xmas?
...cancer...
Thats not funny.
Sure it is.
How is that funny?
You see the joke is on cancer.
Fuck you.


11 Feb 24 - 09:16 AM (#4196930)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Sigh...


11 Feb 24 - 09:21 AM (#4196931)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

I didn't think it possible but you're regressing, Don.


11 Feb 24 - 04:51 PM (#4197018)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

That was a Ricky Gervais joke. The rest is how you guys act.


11 Feb 24 - 05:34 PM (#4197027)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

Another unfunny dude. Surely you can a less sleazy source to steal from.


11 Feb 24 - 05:46 PM (#4197028)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

The joke, although sick, was actually a joke. A far cry from the rest of your post, Don. When will you accept that you just don't understand what this thread is about?

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward


11 Feb 24 - 10:06 PM (#4197055)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk

Observation from the late great Fritz Spiegl (misquoted from memory):

English is a terribly directional language. It's better to be in a car which breaks down going at seventy in the fast lane of the M1 than to be in a car which breaks up going at seventy in the fast lane of the M1.

MaJoC's riposte:

On the other hand, it's better to be sent up in front of a capacity crowd by a man in a dress and a strange wig than to be sent down in front of a capacity crowd by a man in a dress and a strange wig.


13 Feb 24 - 10:49 AM (#4197115)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

Trump has four directions: left right and up and down
Just that on the left, there’s nothing right;
On the right, there’s nothing left...
When he's wrong he goes up in the polls
when he goes down Melania is disgusted


13 Feb 24 - 11:15 AM (#4197121)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk

.... Melania is relieved :-) ?


13 Feb 24 - 11:37 AM (#4197123)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

Well, I suppose it's an attempted joke anyway.


13 Feb 24 - 01:22 PM (#4197132)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

I got dumped at the local petrol station... now I can't drive past without filling up


13 Feb 24 - 01:38 PM (#4197134)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which the other replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."


13 Feb 24 - 02:58 PM (#4197136)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Do you like Dickens?

Dunno, I've never been to one

100!


13 Feb 24 - 05:06 PM (#4197139)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Bob Hitchcock

Christmas joke:-

Three men were killed in a car crash on Christmas Eve. They reach the gates of Heaven and St. Peter says if you you can show me something that represents Christmas I will give you free pass.
The first guy pulls a cigarette lighter from his pocket and says "candles". The next one pulls some keys from his pocket, shakes them and says "bells". The last guy is fumbling around in his pockets and finally pulls out a pair of ladies panties and says "these are Carols".


13 Feb 24 - 07:12 PM (#4197146)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy

Oh, I had totally forgotten this joke!

Two sociologists are walking down the street, and see someone lying in the gutter, bleeding, having been severely assaulted. One sociologist turns to the other and says, whoever did this needs our help!


14 Feb 24 - 08:47 AM (#4197166)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Bob Hitchcock

Two psychics meet on the street and one says "your ok how am I".

sorry


14 Feb 24 - 09:11 AM (#4197168)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mr Red

Seen - a placard carrying protester on a video

"Please Jesus, protect me from your followers"

a nice variation on the epithet "Thank God I'm an atheist"


14 Feb 24 - 05:29 PM (#4197200)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Joe_F

Mr Red: That's no joke. Kipling wrote a fine poem on that theme. I'd post it if I knew how to dig it up.


14 Feb 24 - 05:41 PM (#4197201)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

Some jokes are deeper than others.


17 Feb 24 - 05:31 AM (#4197375)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Couple of seasonal jokes from Steve

Pantomime horse walks into a bar. Barman says, would you like a pint? Horse says, no, two halves please

I used to have a job as the front end of a pantomime horse, but I quit while I was a head.

:-D


17 Feb 24 - 08:09 AM (#4197379)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver

I asked my ex-wife what she would do if I won the lottery.....she replied.' I would take my half and leave you'!!, I said 'Great I won £100, here's your £50 now go!!


17 Feb 24 - 08:33 AM (#4197382)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick

A man rushes into the house and calls out to his wife:
"Pack your bags. I've just won the jackpot on the lottery!".

"That's fantastic" says his wife. "Should I pack for the mountains or the coast?".

"I don't care" he replies. "Just pack your bags and go!".

DC


17 Feb 24 - 11:06 AM (#4197388)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

This one's a bit off color-         

A woman took her Great Dane to the vet and unexpectedly ran into one of her friends in the waiting room.
"Hi, what are you doing here?" she asked.
"I'm having my Poodle fixed because he's so randy that every time I bend over he tries to mount me."
"Oh, mine's always trying to mount me as well."
"So, are you also having him fixed?"
"No, I'm having his nails clipped."


19 Feb 24 - 10:05 AM (#4197520)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy

Militant atheist Tshirt I didn't buy:

There's no goddamn god, god damn it!

Militant agnostic ditto: I don't know and you don't, either.


20 Feb 24 - 03:36 AM (#4197573)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mr Red

Baseball cap - One for the Trump threads   available here

"Make Orwell Fiction Again"


20 Feb 24 - 05:45 AM (#4197580)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver

I once paid £120 for my ex wife to have a facepack.....For awhile she looked really beautiful.... but then they took the facepack off.


20 Feb 24 - 12:47 PM (#4197611)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk

Distress (v): to give a hippie a haircut.


22 Feb 24 - 02:07 PM (#4197738)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Thompson

These are terrible jokes. Up your standard, lads, please.


22 Feb 24 - 04:58 PM (#4197744)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

I don't get it.


22 Feb 24 - 09:06 PM (#4197755)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy

Make Orwell fiction again! Bwahahahah!


23 Feb 24 - 05:21 AM (#4197769)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Here's Steve's contribution to raise the bar:-D

Out there in the Wild West, a bloke charged into the saloon bar in panic, "Hey folks! Big Earl is a-ridin' into town!"

Panic engulfed the bar, and within thirty seconds the bar was emptied as everyone fled. All except for bartender, who was new around there. He'd never heard of Big Earl and wondered what the fuss was about.

Just then, this huge bloke, six foot eight and built like a brick shithouse, burst into the saloon, breaking off the swing doors, smashing chairs and grabbing the bartender by the throat.

"WHISKY!" he roared. The terrorised bartender put a bottle of whisky and a glass on the counter. The guy brushed the glass aside, ripped the top of the bottle off with his teeth and swigged the whole bottle down in two big gulps.

"Is there anything else I can get you sir?" trembled the bartender.

"No thanks, gotta run. Big Earl's a-ridin' into town..."


23 Feb 24 - 09:16 AM (#4197776)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver

My ex wife told me that she had a kettle, an iron, a toaster, an electric oven, electric can opener, electric mixer and an electric juicer but had nowhere to sit in the kitchen....I bought her an electric chair.


23 Feb 24 - 09:50 AM (#4197777)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm.
She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work.


24 Feb 24 - 04:59 AM (#4197820)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Another from Steve :-D

Bloke went into a bakers, and he said, "I'll have a couple of those rolls in the window there please."
The baker grabbed a pair of tongs and a paper bag and took the rolls out from the window and put them in the paper bag.
"And could I have two of those small cakes there in the window please."
"Certainly, sir." The baker took another paper bag, and with his pair of tongs he took the two cakes out of the window, and put them carefully in the paper bag.
"I must say," said the chap, "I'm very impressed by the fact that you use tongs to handle everything and don't touch things with your hands."
"Oh yes," said the baker, "we always attend very carefully to hygiene in this shop. No human hand ever touches our foods!"
The chap said, "I can't help noticing, though, that you have a long piece of string hanging from the front of your trousers. What's that all about?"
"Ah," said the baker, "if need to go for a wee, I don't like to touch anything 'down there' for hygiene reasons, so I pull the piece of string and my old man simply pops out and I can have a wee!"
"Wow, that's very hygienic," said the chap. "Just one little thing, though. How do you manage to put your, er, 'old man' back in again once you've had a wee?"
"No problem," said the baker. "I just use these tongs... "


24 Feb 24 - 07:07 AM (#4197834)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

Typical juvenile pee or poop joke. Be glad it's not yours Dave.


Did you hear about the parents who murdered 14 babies by throwing them out with the bathwater in Alabama?

OMG THAT'S AWFUL

They had an accomplice who washed out the petri dishes at the IVF clinic.


24 Feb 24 - 09:28 AM (#4197849)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver

My ex wife always told me when she had enjoyed making love.....she even phoned me once from Hong Kong


24 Feb 24 - 11:09 AM (#4197860)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

Doctor, do you realize you have a suppository behind your ear!
I know, and somebody's got my pen and I'm not sure I want it back.


24 Feb 24 - 02:12 PM (#4197875)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

You still don't understand do you Don.

Juvenile pee or poop JOKES = OK on a joke thread

Dons insane ramblings = Don't belong anywhere


25 Feb 24 - 03:54 AM (#4197919)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Another one from Steve

This bloke in America was on trial for murder. A conviction would mean the death sentence. His best mate spotted a chap on the jury who looked a bit like a leftie hippie liberal, so he thought he'd have a go at bribing him.

He sought the juror out secretly, and offered him ten thousand dollars if he could get the conviction changed to manslaughter.

A few weeks later the trial finished and the verdict was manslaughter. The convicted man's friend met up with the juror, gave him the ten grand, thanked him profusely and asked him how he'd done it.

"Well, it wasn't easy," he said. "I did persuade the other eleven to convict him of manslaughter in the end as you asked, even though the rest of them wanted to let him go..."


25 Feb 24 - 07:19 AM (#4197939)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

A confederate stooge is a true failing for Dave who used to be his own man. His ad hominem claims are not even his own. Perhaps new pub pals would lift his spirits. The pandemic is over but a loneliness epidemic is still holding on. Find happier blokes. Tired jokes do not make a mirthful man. Remember, whether it’s “mate,” “buddy,” or just a good old fashioned “mister,” at the end of the day, jokes are all about friendly mirth. Unless he’s taken the last two slices of pizza... then all bets are off!


25 Feb 24 - 07:22 AM (#4197941)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

Got any of your own, Dave? This is getting a little creepy.

Wife: Do you want some dinner?

Husband: What are my options?

Wife: Yes or no.


25 Feb 24 - 08:01 AM (#4197943)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

I have, gillymor, but as Steve can no longer post below the line even though he started the thread, I am relaying jokes!

What's green and brown, got 8 legs and if it fell on you from a tree, it would kill you?

A snooker table.

What do you call a sensible post from Donuel?

Dunno. Never seen one.


25 Feb 24 - 08:23 AM (#4197949)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

a joke needs correction. In America, a jury does not decide charges.
An alternate charge must be made by the State or prosecution and there are rules that apply to that. A jury may only determine guilty, not guilty, or hopelessly hung. They can not decide on a lesser or greater charge. There is great latitude when awarding penalties and damages.

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
The judge asks her "First offender?"
She replies "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."


I finished a murder trial, I was representing the defendant. The only defence I had was that there was no body found. I knew I was going to lose the case, so for my closing argument, I looked at my watch and I told the jury the victim is going to walk through that door in a minute. The entire jury looked over at the door waiting for the person to walk through. Of course, the person did not walk through. I then told the jury, look, that proves you have some reasonable doubt that my client is nnocent because you were waiting for the victim to walk through the door. That’s it, that was my closing argument.
The jury came back with a guilty verdict. I asked the jury after, and I said you all looked at the door. The jury said ‘Yeah, we all did look at the door. But guess who did not?
Your client.’


25 Feb 24 - 08:36 AM (#4197954)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Not bad at long last, Don! I'm pinching the first offender one


26 Feb 24 - 05:15 AM (#4198022)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick

A man goes into pub with his wife. As they sit down, he gives a deep sigh. "What's wrong?" asks his wife.

"Sonia's here".

"What! Sonia your first wife?"

"Yes" he replies with dismay.

She turns to look across the room. "She seems to be knocking back the gin!"

"Yes" he says. "She started drinking after the divorce and she hasn't stopped since".

"That's more than ten years" she says. "You wouldn't think anyone would celebrate that long!"

DC


26 Feb 24 - 05:52 AM (#4198025)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Were you complaining about my posting of Steve's jokes, Don? I just found this -

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Feb 23 - 08:25 PM

An old one but good enough to repeat (I hope...)

A man was standing in the dock. The prosecutor read out the charge, that he'd assaulted his wife over her head with his guitar.

The judge peered at the bloke over his specs and said to him, "First offender?"

"No, your honour, first a Les Paul then a Fender..."


I take back my earlier compliment!


26 Feb 24 - 06:36 AM (#4198028)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

I'm not sure if this is a joke but I've got a midnight blue Stratocaster that I've been upgrading the last couple of decades and have changed everything out but the body and the strap buttons. You might say it's transfendered.

Reminds of that old carpenter's joke-
This has been a great hammer, I've changed out the head twice, the handle 3 times and it's still going strong.


26 Feb 24 - 09:28 AM (#4198042)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

An ancient couple had friends round for a cup of tea. The ladies were in the kitchen and the two chaps were having a natter.
"We went to a really good restaurant last night," said the old boy.
"Really?" said his friend. "We've been looking for good restaurants to go to round here. What was the name?"
"Oh dear, I can't remember," said the old boy. "Let me think: what's that flower called, you know, the one that comes in different colours, it's got a nice scent, and I think it's got thorns up its stem...?"
"Rose?" suggested his friend.
"Ah, that's it!"
He called into the kitchen, "Rose, what was the name of the restaurant we went to last night?"

You will have to guess who that is from. Adds to the fun :-D


26 Feb 24 - 03:52 PM (#4198082)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

A business had a sign on the window saying “Help Wanted. Must be proficient typist, know how to use the internet, and be bilingual.” A dog walking by picks up the sign in its teeth, and approaches the boss, who assumes correctly that the dog wants to apply for the job.

“Come on,” the man says, “Dogs can’t type.” So the dog sits down at the keyboard and types this message: “Dogs can type just fine.”

“How about computers?” the boss asks. So the dog does a Google search and finds pages of information about the capabilities of canines.

“But the sign also says you would need to be bilingual,” the boss adds.

And the dog replies, “Meow.”


26 Feb 24 - 05:49 PM (#4198091)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

There's a gravestone at the top of our street, which is odd in itself. Even stranger is that the deceased lived to the ripe old age of 109.

Bloke called Miles. From London


27 Feb 24 - 05:48 AM (#4198112)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick

You will have to guess who that is from. Adds to the fun :-D

My bet is on Steve, as he posted the same joke, word for word, back in September

DC


27 Feb 24 - 05:56 AM (#4198113)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick

OK, I'm wrong! It wasn't exactly word for word, so maybe it was your retelling, Dave, but my money is still on Steve.

DC


27 Feb 24 - 06:31 AM (#4198117)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

The dog joke tacitly brings up a feature of AI.


27 Feb 24 - 06:49 AM (#4198119)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

Actually it was Stave the Gnome.


27 Feb 24 - 07:32 AM (#4198121)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Nah, it was Dave Shawt (Gerrit - shawt - gnome)


27 Feb 24 - 07:35 AM (#4198122)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

Ahh


27 Feb 24 - 09:27 AM (#4198124)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy

Walking by a church, saw a group of people, some in black, some in pastels, some laughing, some crying... couldn't tell if it was a wedding or a funeral.

Then I saw the hearse. It was a dead giveaway.


27 Feb 24 - 10:19 AM (#4198126)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

From the collective collection...

A bloke phoned the vet in a blind panic and shouted down the phone, "Quick! My dog's just swallowed a condom!"

"Right," said the vet, "Don't worry - stay there and I'll be round in ten minutes..."

Five minutes later he phoned the vet again and said in a much calmer tone, "It's OK, you don't need to come now. I've just found another one in the top drawer..."


27 Feb 24 - 12:31 PM (#4198138)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver

When Viagra first came onto the market, I went to the local pharmacist and asked her to tell me how it worked and what it really did. She gave a great run-down for me and I decided to buy some....I asked, 'Can I get it over the counter'?.... She said 'Well maybe if you took two'


27 Feb 24 - 03:17 PM (#4198142)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

I got home from the pub four hours late last night.

“Where the hell have you been?” screamed my wife.

I said, “I’ve been playing poker with some blokes.”

“Playing poker with some blokes? Well that does it! You can pack your bags and go!”

“So can you,” I said. “This isn’t our house any more.”

Later on I said "I'm going back to the pub. Get your coat on."

"Oh, are you taking me?" She asked

"No, I'm turning the heating off."


27 Feb 24 - 03:44 PM (#4198143)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Reinhard

That's not a joke but a description of an egoistic a**hole.


27 Feb 24 - 04:38 PM (#4198150)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

That is pretty much the point Reinhard.


28 Feb 24 - 04:52 PM (#4198238)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

150!

A couple were in the restaurant. They noticed that the waiter's fingers and thumbs were in the soup he brought them. They were annoyed but said nowt. But the same thing happened with the main course - his finger and thumb tips were in the gravy. They fumed but decided not to spoil a beautiful evening.

But when the puddings arrived with his digits in the custard, it was a bridge too far. "Oi, mate, what the hell do you think you're doing!"

"Well, I have arthritis in my fingers and thumbs and the doctor told me to keep them warm at all times..."

"That's disgusting! You'll get no tip from me and you can shove your arthritic fingers up your arse!"

He said, "I do, in between courses..."


01 Mar 24 - 08:00 AM (#4198312)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

When I was a kid there was a TV cartoon called Care Bears.
“Them little teddy bears would lock arms and stare at a problem, and — I’m not even bullshitting — actual love would shoot out of their chests, and would dispel anything that was fucked up. And when we grew up, we wanted to be like those bears. And then we got our hearts broken, because we found out that life wasn’t going to let us do that, and it was impossible to shoot love out of your chest. However … I have shot love onto somebody’s chest before.”


01 Mar 24 - 08:12 AM (#4198313)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

Is this a porn site now?


01 Mar 24 - 08:16 AM (#4198314)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

Is it possible to jettison the last 3 posts?


01 Mar 24 - 10:09 AM (#4198324)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver

My ex wife once said...'Darling, tonight I am going to make you the happiest man in the world'. I said 'That's brilliant but you can do your own packing'


01 Mar 24 - 11:04 AM (#4198329)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk

> Is it possible to jettison the last 3 posts?

There used to be a special thread for that sort of thing iirc ....


01 Mar 24 - 11:16 AM (#4198330)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

Don's "joke" qualifies for a crude and unfunny thread.


01 Mar 24 - 02:22 PM (#4198337)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

A couple were making mad passionate love in his house when a text arrived on his phone. He had a quick look at it and put the phone back down, starting to carry on where he'd left off.

"What was it?" asked his girlfriend.

"Oh, nothing important. Just my wife telling me she was in the cinema with you."


01 Mar 24 - 03:02 PM (#4198340)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy

This thread is not limited to clean jokes, I hope...


01 Mar 24 - 03:09 PM (#4198343)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

I like a bit of bawdiness myself but attempted jokes about spewing on someone's chest crosses over into humorless smut, IMO.


02 Mar 24 - 03:08 AM (#4198367)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Not at all Mrrzy but I think it should be limited to actual jokes!

Bloke walked into a pub and was amazed to see some men - and one dog - sitting at a table playing poker.  

Sez he to the barman, "That's one hell of a clever dog you've got there, playing poker?"

"Hmm, he's not as clever as you think," replied the barman. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail..."


02 Mar 24 - 07:15 AM (#4198376)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver

My ex wife had much of what a man could want..... Hairy legs, hairy chest, beard.


02 Mar 24 - 06:08 PM (#4198411)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Bloke got a job as a bus driver, to start on Monday morning at 9 prompt.

At 9.30 on the Monday in the depot, the bus inspector saw the bloke sitting at the wheel but not moving. "What's going on here? You were due to leave at 9!"

"I can't go yet - the bus conductor hasn't turned up..."

"'Bus conductor'? Good heavens, man, we did away with those decades ago! These days, you have to collect the fares yourself!"

So off he went. Four hours later, the bus, now two hours late, hadn't returned. The inspector got in his car and drove round the route and, to his horror, came upon the bus on its side in the village pond, the driver sitting on the grass in tears.

"What's happened here?" asked the inspector.

"I can't understand it, sir. I went upstairs to collect the fares and the next thing I knew the bus had crashed into the water!"


03 Mar 24 - 10:00 AM (#4198449)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandad. Not screaming in fear like 27 passengers on the bus he was driving :-)


04 Mar 24 - 05:22 PM (#4198534)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

Here's one from the recycle bin-

Why does Irish bean soup only have 239 beans?

Because if it had one more it would be too farty.


04 Mar 24 - 06:00 PM (#4198541)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Guy picks up a girl at the nightclub. She invites him back to her place but warns him that they’d have to be really quiet because Mum and Dad would be sleeping in the next room.

They sneak up to her room and start to get undressed. Before they get completely naked though, the bloke announces that he needs the toilet.

“You can’t use the toilet up here,” said the girl, “The flush will wake my parents. You'll have to go downstairs and use the kitchen sink.”

So he sneaks downstairs and comes back 5 minutes later, “Have you got any toilet paper?”


05 Mar 24 - 07:25 AM (#4198564)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

Apologies to the denizens of one of my favorite states for this one-

The network passed on CSI: West Virginia. It would have too difficult for the investigators because there were no dental records and the DNA was all the same.


05 Mar 24 - 07:26 AM (#4198565)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

These pee poop and fart jokes are the best these jokers can do.
I suspect a second childhood is their problem.


05 Mar 24 - 07:30 AM (#4198566)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

Ouchee!


05 Mar 24 - 07:52 AM (#4198567)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

lost puppy


05 Mar 24 - 08:02 AM (#4198569)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

Butt jokes, tsk, tsk.


05 Mar 24 - 08:25 AM (#4198572)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Jokers is the operative term, Don. Try telling a joke yourself for a change.


05 Mar 24 - 08:32 AM (#4198574)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

No pee, poop or fart was harmed in the following joke...

A woman had just got out of the shower and her husband had just got in it when the doorbell rang. She hurriedly wrapped the bath towel round and went down to answer the door. It was Bob, their next-door neighbour.

"Cor, look at you!" said Bob. "Fifty quid if you drop that towel!"

She obliged, and Bob handed over the fifty quid.

"Who was that at the door?" her husband called down.

"Oh, only Bob," she replied.

"Ah. Did he say anything about the fifty quid he owes me?"


06 Mar 24 - 04:18 PM (#4198645)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy

Was Bob her uncle?


06 Mar 24 - 05:50 PM (#4198651)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

She is now anti Bob;-D


06 Mar 24 - 06:02 PM (#4198653)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

Taste in jokes is as varied as taste in art.
I'm for liberty in humor even if its a fart.

A good fart could have saved that lost puppy.


07 Mar 24 - 05:38 AM (#4198671)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? They have the same middle name.


07 Mar 24 - 03:35 PM (#4198708)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Same as me! :-D


07 Mar 24 - 04:46 PM (#4198711)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

Dave, don't forget some of your other namesakes- Jack the Ripper, Ivan the Terrible, Vlad the Impaler...


07 Mar 24 - 05:14 PM (#4198713)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

LOL :-D

They are all my cousins! You forgot Jude the Obscure but he was probably well hidden...

Bloke said to his wife, "Hey, the postman has just told me that he's shagged every woman in our street except one!"

"Huh," she replied, "I bet it's that stuck-up bitch at number 12..."


08 Mar 24 - 02:14 PM (#4198778)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MudGuard

A woman got molested by a masked man at the tennis club, but can escape. Before she fled, she was able to make a photo with her smart phone of his "best" piece.

Police is called, and they try to find out who the man was.

So they ask the people present.

They start with two women who were close to the "place of action"

First woman they show the picture says: it's not my husband.

Second woman says: it's none of the club members ...


11 Mar 24 - 11:01 AM (#4198909)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Nice one Mudguard :-D

A bloke is doing a bit of clearing out in the house when he comes across a shoebox in a cupboard. He opens it, and inside it he finds three eggs and two thousand quid.

"Look what I've just found," he says to the missus. "Any idea what it's all about?"

"Oh dear," she replies with a tear in her eye, "the thing is that every time I've been unfaithful to you I've put an egg in the box..."

"Oh well," he thought to himself, "just three times in fifty years of marriage...I suppose I can forgive that..."

Turning to his wife, he asks what all that money was doing in the shoebox.

"Well," she says, "every time I reach a dozen eggs I sell 'em..."


11 Mar 24 - 04:56 PM (#4198933)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MudGuard

I could have continued with third woman and town, fourth/county, fifth/country, sixth/continent, seventh/planet, eighth/solar system, ninth/milky way ...


14 Mar 24 - 10:14 AM (#4199087)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

This one's a bit off color (pun intended)-

What's the difference between pink and purple?

The grip.


17 Mar 24 - 08:51 AM (#4199220)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

It got so cold in Maine that the nudist camp put out a sign, "We are open but we are clothed".


17 Mar 24 - 02:00 PM (#4199231)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

A vegan said to his wife, "People who sell meat are gross."

She replied, "People who sell fruit and veg are grocer..."

...

A pilot and his co-pilot were nearing the end of a rather wearisome long-haul flight and were relaxing with a bit of laddish banter. The pilot said, "What I really fancy right now is a good hard shag and a cup of coffee."

Unfortunately, he hadn't realised that he'd left on the intercom, so the passengers in the cabin had heard every word. The female flight attendant, who was at the rear of the cabin, realising what had happened, dashed up the cabin towards the cockpit door, hoping to tell the pilot to switch off the mic and limit further damage.

As she was about to reach the cockpit, a passenger called out to her, "Don't forget his coffee, darling!"


17 Mar 24 - 10:16 PM (#4199256)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Joe_F

"What is 5Q + 5Q?"
"10Q."
"You're velcome."


18 Mar 24 - 04:47 PM (#4199296)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Are you a pole vaulter?

No, I am Dutch and how did you know my name was Valter?


19 Mar 24 - 03:46 AM (#4199309)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: The Sandman

Everything's big in Texas joke
One of my personal favorites.

A man walk into a hotel restaurant and sits down at the food bar and orders a hamburger. The hamburger is the biggest burger he's ever seen. "Why is this so huge?" the man asks. The bartender says, "Well everything is big in Texas." Then the man orders a beer, and this too is very large. "Man why is that so big, I'll never be able to finish it." "Well I told you, everything's big in Texas." The man eats his food and finishes off the beer, gets drunk, and has to use the bathroom. "Sir, where are the bathrooms?" "Down the hall and to the left." So the man goes toward the bathroom and forgets which way the bartender said, and goes to the door on the right instead. He walks in, falls into the pool and starts screaming, "Don't flush! Don't flush!"


19 Mar 24 - 03:53 AM (#4199311)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

The last one's not bad Dick but the politics before it belong on the Trump thread.


19 Mar 24 - 04:24 AM (#4199314)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: The Sandman

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)
He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you got here?”

The man sighed, “I was eating a delicious burrito when I choked. No one was with me and I suffocated.”

“Killed by a burrito!” The Devil roared, flipping his desk, “What an unjust way to go. Did you at least go out eating a super sized one?!”

“No, just a regular size.” The man replied sadly, hanging his head in shame.

“This is even worse!” The Devil cried.

“What can you do about it?” The man replied sadly.

The Devil thought for a moment, before stating, “I will send you back. I’m not having you end your life on a sacred Mexican dish. Go back to Earth and continue your delightful life! Eat more Mexican until the toilet bowl quivers at your approach.”

With a clap of his hands the Devil sent the man back to Earth.

After a few minutes another person appeared, this time a woman. She looked at the Devil and sighed.

“Damn,” she said.

“What happened my dear?” The Devil replied, offering her a glass of sparkling water.

“I was trying to be environmentally conscious with a metal straw instead of plastic.”

“Good for you!” The Devil nodded, “We have just recently pledged to go 100% renewable in Hell. Slave labour is an underrated renewable asset you know.”

The woman gave a reluctant nod in agreement.

“Sorry to interrupt,” the Devil said, “continue please”

“Well,” the woman said, “I was walking with my drink when I slipped. I fell forwards and the metal straw landed up and skewered me straight through my eyeball and brain.”

The Devil promptly threw up.

“My golly goodness,” the Devil groaned, wiping vomit off his chest, “this is a travesty. Helping the planet and you get turned into a human kebab.”

The Devil stroked his horns, thinking.

“I’m feeling good today,” he said, “You my dear can go back to your life!”

The woman cheered in joy, showering the Devil with praise.

“Oh stop it you,” the Devil said cheekily, “just promise you’ll stick to plastic straws. Screw the turtles and save your eyes.”

He clapped his hands and the woman disappeared in a puff of smoke.

A few minutes passed before a third person appeared.

He was different from the others. It was his eyes, they were lifeless, as if all the soul had been sucked from them.

“Hello my friend,” the Devil said cheerfully, offering him some bread sticks.

The man stood gloomily, accepting the food.

“How did you get here?” The Devil asked, eager for some conversation.

“I was at my computer working,” the man said, “I’d been working for endless hours doing a thankless job. I stood up and tripped over a power cord. I must have fallen badly and broken my neck because here I am.”

The Devil threw his hands in the air, “This will not do! You were simply pouring your heart and soul doing your job and died in the process.”

The man shrugged.

The Devil summoned a cup of tea from one of his minions to calm his emotions.

The Devil smiled, sipping his tea, “My friend, I am feeling generous today. I am going to send you back to your life! What do you say to that!”

The man looked around at the swirling pools of lava behind the Devil. The sound of wailing souls echoed around abyss.

“I think I’ll stay in Hell,” the man replied.

The Devil spat out his tea.

“I’m sorry what?” The Devil, wiping his mouth.

“I’d like to stay,” the man repeated.

The Devil was still dumbfounded, before he finally managed to recompose himself.

“Fine mortal, continue down the path to get your orientation pack from the information kiosk. Be up early tomorrow for lava swimming at 7am and then at lunch we’re streaming the final season of Game of Thrones.”

The man nodded and went to walk past the Devil.

“I’m sorry, I have to know,” the Devil said, holding up his hand, “What ridiculous job did you have that makes you want to stay here?”

The person looked up at the Devil, his eyes empty and replied,

“I was a moderator”


19 Mar 24 - 04:26 AM (#4199316)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: The Sandman

Why do Texas women make sandwiches with their left hands?
false

Because they have no rights.


19 Mar 24 - 04:57 AM (#4199319)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: The Sandman

I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the International Airport when this Texan guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer
I asked him, "Do you have a gun"

He says "No, why the f\*\*k would you ask me that? Is it because I am Texan?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you big prick


19 Mar 24 - 05:01 AM (#4199320)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: The Sandman

Why do TEXAS women remain celibate,The guys fixing potholes have completely disappeared


19 Mar 24 - 07:43 AM (#4199329)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

Golfer 1: I was on the 12th tee yesterday and I hooked the ball onto the highway right through the window of a school bus which swerved into a ditch and burst into flames.

Golfer 2: What did you do then?

Golfer 1: I opened my stance and weakened my grip.


19 Mar 24 - 01:22 PM (#4199343)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Stilly River Sage

When Dick can't get his way and mess up threads he gets petty. Sad to say, here, Sandman is the joke.


20 Mar 24 - 04:01 AM (#4199380)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: The Sandman

A small town had three churches: Presbyterian, Methodist, and Catholic. All three had a serious problem with squirrels in the church building and each, in its own fashion, had a meeting to deal with the problem.

The Presbyterians decided that it was predestined that squirrels be in the church and that they would just have to live with them.

The Methodists decided they should deal with the squirrels lovingly in the style of Charles Wesley. They humanely trapped them and released them in a park at the edge of town. Within 3 days, they were all back in the church.

The Catholics had the best solution. They baptized and confirmed the squirrels. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.


20 Mar 24 - 01:53 PM (#4199406)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver

When my ex wife ran off with my best friend, I was totally devastated....I really missed him.


20 Mar 24 - 05:40 PM (#4199416)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mr Red

Q: How was the Roman Empire divided?

A: By a pair of Caesars

Before the joke police wake up - it is also a history lesson.


20 Mar 24 - 06:28 PM (#4199418)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

199


20 Mar 24 - 06:29 PM (#4199419)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Change hands

To paraphrase a joke :-D


21 Mar 24 - 03:45 PM (#4199470)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

What is the sex like in the Mt. Everest base camp?

In tents!


21 Mar 24 - 03:52 PM (#4199472)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

When Einstein died he went to heaven beyond any spacetime dimension.
To his delight, he discovered his beloved violin growing out of the top of what appeared to be a violin tree. When it was full size he plucked it from the tree and began to tune it up. Two angels rushed to his side and demanded to know what he was doing. "I was going to play the violin". Oh dear you must not do that. You see God is a saxophonist and dislikes string music including the harp. Dejected, Albert said "oh my I didn't expect tyrants in heaven". The angels scowled and said you are free to admire the violin but you may not play with GOD, it is a rule for all physicists!

Just then a saxophone was heard playing 'Take the A Train'. Einstein couldn't resist and he tucked the violin under his chin and began to play. A tall heavy set God appeared and kicked Einstein squarely in the balls sending his violin flying into pieces on the marble like floor. Lying there with smashed balls Einstein groaned as the angels hovered over him. You are not allowed to play with God and for GOD'S SAKE don't ever take the melody away from God. Al whispered 'Heaven equals a narcissist God times hell squared'


21 Mar 24 - 04:00 PM (#4199473)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

That's a minute I'll never get back.


21 Mar 24 - 07:14 PM (#4199490)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Wtf was it all about?

Knock, knock

Who's there?

No-one yet but Donny will make something up soon


21 Mar 24 - 08:11 PM (#4199494)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Raggytash

Me neither, It would appear some posters have a Guardian Angel!


22 Mar 24 - 06:26 AM (#4199509)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

God does not play dice with the Universe,
S/he plays saxophone alone.


22 Mar 24 - 07:33 AM (#4199512)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

If God were the Emcee he would have given you the hook a long time ago. Once more, this an effin JOKE THREAD!


22 Mar 24 - 10:39 AM (#4199518)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mr Red

A string theorist is kissing his secretary when his wife walks in. She bursts into tears and turns to run out. The string theorist yells,

"Wait! I can explain everything!"

note to the joke police - Donnie is already laughing
Didn't anyone tell you humour is personal?


22 Mar 24 - 10:45 AM (#4199520)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

At least someone's laughing at his "jokes".


22 Mar 24 - 06:10 PM (#4199550)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

You should see my illustration of the heavenly violin tree.
I have numerous spin offs for celebrity trouble-in-heaven stories.


23 Mar 24 - 07:30 AM (#4199576)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

I don't get it.

Proctologist (while pulling on a latex glove): Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection during this exam.

Patient: But doctor, I don't have an erection.

Proctologist: I was talking about me.


23 Mar 24 - 12:51 PM (#4199595)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver

My friend, a gynaecologist always decorates the hall in his house though the letterbox.
Another person I know insists that the fact he was born by caesarean section is not the cause of his exiting his car via the sunroof.


23 Mar 24 - 02:35 PM (#4199598)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?

A pokemon

My wife has run off with my best friend. God, I miss him...


24 Mar 24 - 08:47 AM (#4199637)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

A bloke just tried to sell me a coffin. I told him that is the last thing I need.

I was in the cemetery when I saw four blokes carrying a coffin on their shoulders. I went back four hours later and they were still there, carrying the coffin around. I thought to myself, these guys have really lost the plot...


24 Mar 24 - 09:17 AM (#4199638)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

Dave, you put the fun in funeral.

I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words to me just before he died.

“Are you still holding the ladder?”


24 Mar 24 - 01:29 PM (#4199643)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mr Red

Dave, you put the fun in funeral

But anagramatically - who put the real fun in funeral?


24 Mar 24 - 01:36 PM (#4199644)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

I'm still trying to figure out who put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop.


24 Mar 24 - 02:20 PM (#4199649)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Probably the same person that put the ram in the ramalama ding dong

Back in the 1940s in Peru there was a famous market that traded in livestock. Of course the biggest pull was the llamas that they managed to sell at discount prices because of the sheer volume that they could trade. It all went well until cars became very popular in the 1950s and the big American cars took over pride of place where previously there had been hundreds of llamas. Lots of the market closed down but a very enterprising local businessman opened, in one of the empty spaces, a Chinese takeaway specialing in the local lamb and bamboo shoots that grew surpisingly well in the wet valleys of the Andes. This became very popular with the American car salesman who sang its praises so much that famous US rock and roll stars started to visit regularly. So much so that many songs alluded to the former Llamarama with the lamb bamboo...


25 Mar 24 - 05:09 AM (#4199680)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

A shrink said to his patient, "don't worry, you're not delusional, you only think you are."


25 Mar 24 - 07:45 AM (#4199684)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Same shrink said "You don't have an inferiority complex. You are inferior."


25 Mar 24 - 08:54 AM (#4199696)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver

On the subject of funerals mentioned.... I may have posted these before but they're always good for a laugh.....

The funeral was held today for the man who invented air conditioning. Hundreds of fans attended.

The man who invented the ‘Hokey Cokey’ died last week. Things went OK until they tried to put him in his coffin…. ‘’They put his left leg in’’………….

It was difficult to overcome my addiction to the ‘Hokey-Cokey’ but I turned myself round and that’s what it’s all about.

The man who invented speedboats died on Monday. His funeral, tomorrow, is followed by a ‘wake’.

Apparently the man who invented predictive text has passed away. His funfair is on Monkey.

Apparently the man who invented cough lozenges has died….. There’ll be no coffin at his funeral.

At my funeral, I want the bouquet taken from my coffin and thrown to the crowd, to see who’s next!!

Yesterday, the man who invented Velcro died…. RIP.

The man who invented the remote control died yesterday. He is being buried down the back of a sofa.

One of the top pianists in the world died yesterday. His funeral will be low key.


28 Mar 24 - 09:10 PM (#4199963)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Neil D

This guy walks into a bar and sets a large box on the barstool next to him. The barkeep comes over and says "What'll you have?" The man says I'm a bit short on funds at the moment but if I show you something amazing will you stand me to a drink?" The bartender looks skeptical and says it would have to be pretty incredible. So the man opens the box and pulls out a tiny grand piano and an itsy-bitsy stool. The he pulls out a chipmunk and sits him on the stool and lo and behold the chipmunk begins to play some Beethoven ... and he's brilliant. The barman allows that that was pretty incredible and pours the guy a double shot of scotch.
   After finishing his drink the many offers to show the bartender something even more amazing for another drink. He replies "More amazing than a chipmunk pianist? Show me what you got." The man reaches back into the box and sets a little dog up on the bar. The chipmunk plays an intro and then the wee dog begins to sing. He sings Danny Boy and there's not a dry eye in the house. The bartender pours him another stiff one and then he says "You seem to be down on your luck, how about I buy these animals?" The guy says " Well, the chipmunks been with me for long time but I guess I could part with the dog." They agree on a price and the barman takes the dog in the back to feed him. A third man standing nearby begins to berate the man saying "How could you sell that dog. Why a singing dog could make you a fortune." The places a finger to his lips and says "Shhh, the chipmunk is a ventriloquist" and quickly exits the bar.


28 Mar 24 - 09:13 PM (#4199964)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Neil D

Speaking of Beethoven, do you know why he hates chickens?
Because when he asks who is the greatest composer the chickens say "Bawk, bawk."


29 Mar 24 - 07:06 AM (#4199979)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk

Ray Alan, the ventriloquist, appeared once on Saturday Night at the Mill (a programme on the Beeb), with his dummy Lord Charles.

Alan: What'll you have to drink?
Charles: A gottle of gear.
Alan: Don't you mean a bottle of beer?
Charles (stumblingly): Of course I mean a bottle of beer --- I'm trying to make it easier for you, you fool.


29 Mar 24 - 02:27 PM (#4200019)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

An extremely ancient couple were worried that they both kept forgetting little things, so they decided to write each other little notes.
One day, the wife said to her husband, "Please go into the kitchen and get me some ice cream. Now, do you want me to write a note so that you'll remember what I want?"

"Absolutely not! "he said. "I can remember a little thing like that, without you writing a note!"

"Well," she said, "Would you please put some strawberries and cream on my ice cream as well? Do you want me to write a note?"

"Absolutely not!" he retorted. "I can remember all that quite easily without a note!"

So off he went into the kitchen. There were quite a few minutes of pots and pans being crashed around. Eventually he came back into the sitting room and presented his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.

"Oi!" she said, "Where's the toast I asked for?"


29 Mar 24 - 02:28 PM (#4200020)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

My wife said that I needed a new password for a shopping website. I said, "How's about 'Mypenis'?"

A couple of minutes later she came back in the room and said that the message from the website was "Too short. Choose something longer."


30 Mar 24 - 11:39 AM (#4200079)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy

What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist just looks up the bush.


30 Mar 24 - 12:36 PM (#4200090)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

:-D I'm pinching that


30 Mar 24 - 02:00 PM (#4200096)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Bill D

That reminds me of:

Whats the difference between a sewing machine and a woman running down the street?


A sewing machine only has one bobbin.


31 Mar 24 - 05:08 AM (#4200131)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver

What is the difference between a magic wand and a Police officers night stick~?      The magic wand is for cunning stunts!!


01 Apr 24 - 10:52 AM (#4200194)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy

Tasers, too...

Stealing the bobbin one!


05 Apr 24 - 08:45 AM (#4200437)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

Heard on The Daily Show, under the heading TRUMP SELLS BIBLES:

Trump getting into business with God can only mean one thing. God is going to end up bankrupt and serving a 3 month prison sentence for lying under oath.


06 Apr 24 - 06:47 AM (#4200499)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

One from Steve :-)

An old boy and his missus had lived a very long and healthy life, thanks to her obsession with a carefully balanced diet, plenty of exercise and moderation in all things. But at the age of 95 they died in an air crash and were met at the pearly gates by St Peter.

"Well, you've lived perfect lives and you can come straight in. You can do whatever you like in here - eat, drink as much as you like, play golf all day on our heavenly golf course, watch films all day in our luxury cinema - anything at all, no medical or any other consequences, you won't get fat and it's all perfectly free for evermore!"

"What, no restrictions at all?" asked the old boy.

"None whatsoever! The perfect life for all eternity!"

The old boy turned to his missus and said angrily, "We could have been here thirty years ago, Doris. You and your bloody Bran Flakes..."


06 Apr 24 - 06:07 PM (#4200543)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

My wife likes to talk during sex, last she called me from a hotel.- Rodney Dangerfield


06 Apr 24 - 06:17 PM (#4200544)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

Left out "night", jeesh.


07 Apr 24 - 06:53 AM (#4200562)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver

My ex wife once said to me 'I am brilliant at multi tasking' I told her to sit down and shut up....but she couldn't do either!!


07 Apr 24 - 06:59 AM (#4200563)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Another Steve one :-)

Bloke went to confession and told the priest that he'd shagged Fanny Green twice in a week.

"Three Hail Marys, my son, and behave from now on."

A while later another bloke confessed to the priest that he'd shagged Fanny Green four times in a week.

"Bejaysus, son, ten Hail Marys and ten Glory Bes for you, and from now on keep your trousers up."

That Sunday at the start of Mass, a tall, elegant woman with a very short skirt and emerald green high heels sat on the front pew with her legs slightly apart. The priest whispered to the altar boy, "Is that Fanny Green?"

"No, Father, it's just the reflection from her shoes..."


10 Apr 24 - 07:15 AM (#4200712)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

...and another :-D

An old lady offers the bus driver a handful peanuts. He thanks her and happily munches away.

After a few minutes she gives him another handful of peanuts. This happens several times.

Eventually, the driver asks her why she doesn't eat them herself.

"Well," she says, "I can't chew. Look, I have no teeth..."

"Then why do you buy
them?" asks the driver.

"Oh, I just love sucking the
chocolate off the outsides."


11 Apr 24 - 11:33 AM (#4200773)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Bit of my own. Well, Stephen Fry really but I repeated it :-)

I was taking a stroll through the meadows when I stopped and bent down to inspect a flower

"What are you doing?" asked my friend

"Picking a buttercup" I replied

"Who on earth would leave a buttock lying in a meadow..?"

Now back to the main show...

A bloke is trying to chat up a lovely young woman he's just met in a bar.

"Have you ever seen a penis?" he asked her, ever so subtly.

"A penis? What word is that?? Never heard of it!"

Well come back to my place and I'll show you mine!"

So they go back to his place and he, er, whips out his willy.    "So what do you think?"

"Ah, so that's a penis then!" she replied. "It's just like a dick, but a lot smaller!"


11 Apr 24 - 01:18 PM (#4200779)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

I was talking to a bloke that said he was a famous pop star in the 80s. I told him that he may be mistaken but he was adamant


12 Apr 24 - 04:07 AM (#4200810)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

I think Steve has been inspired by the stolen Jesus thread :-)

Jesus, Moses, and an old man were playing golf. Jesus teed off and hit his ball which went right into the pond. Disgusted, he walked on the water, reached down, grabbed his ball, and went to the next hole. Moses hit his ball which also went right into the pond. He parted the water, grabbed his ball, and went to the next hole. The old man hit his ball right at the pond but, before the ball hit the water, a fish jumped out and caught the ball, and before the fish could fall back in the water a huge eagle swooped down and snatched it out of midair. As the eagle flew over the putting green, it dropped the fish and the ball flew out of the fish's mouth and rolled into the hole.

Jesus looked at the old man and said “Nice going dad. Now can we please stop messing around and just play golf?"


12 Apr 24 - 05:05 AM (#4200815)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver

I always called my ex wife 'treasure'.....for two reasons really... the first because when we got together, all my mates asked where had I dug her up....the second...because she had a sunken chest.

When my ex wife asked me for an example of innuendo...I gave her one!


13 Apr 24 - 06:26 AM (#4200859)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a pig ran in front of the car.

The pig was killed.

The President told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in total disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.

“What happened?” asked the President.

“Well,” the driver replied, “the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me.”

“My God, what did you tell them?” asked the President.

The driver replied: “I just said I was Donald Trump’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”

another Steve


13 Apr 24 - 08:38 AM (#4200866)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

That is an exact cut and paste from my cut and paste to the Trump thread on 10 Apr 24 - 07:14 AM!


13 Apr 24 - 10:50 AM (#4200869)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

Now the banished Shaw seems to have 2 surrogates acting on his behalf here.


14 Apr 24 - 03:32 AM (#4200888)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Is that supposed to be a joke gillymor? It's as bad as one of Don's!

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said ‘Parking Fine.’, so that was nice.


14 Apr 24 - 07:13 AM (#4200893)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

Just an observation, Dave.

Your joke reminds me of another note found on a wind shield-

"I've just run into your car, people are milling about. They think I'm writing down my contact information. They are wrong."


14 Apr 24 - 07:37 AM (#4200895)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

I think all the jokes on here are C&P'd unless there is an original joke writer amongst us. Don is closest I suppose but while his may be original, they certainly aren't jokes :-D


14 Apr 24 - 02:04 PM (#4200912)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

cut and pasted...

The Trump trial will be a first but it is the OPPOSITE in every way to the OJ Simpson trial.

The Trump trial will not be televised.
OJ was televised and watched by millions.
OJ was an athlete, Trump needs a golf cart.
The Trump motorcade is preceded by police vehicles.
OJ's Bronco was followed by police vehicles.
OJ had the best lawyers in the country.
Trump has legal mouthpieces.
The Trump trial involves his dick
The OJ trial involved a knife.
Trump is MAGA white racist.
OJ was so black they redecorated his house 'white' for the trial.
For OJ if it didn't fit you must acquit.
For Trump one size fits all.


14 Apr 24 - 02:06 PM (#4200913)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Is that supposed to be a joke?

Trump strolls out of the White House one snowy morning to find that someone has written, in piss, "Trump is a bastard" in the snow. Enraged, he orders his security team to investigate.

Later:

"Well, sir, the urine sample matches the DNA of Mike Pence. But that isn't all, sir..."

"Whaddya mean?"

"Well, sir, the handwriting is Melania's..."


14 Apr 24 - 02:34 PM (#4200914)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

You poor dear, you see Stormy Daniels is the 'glove'.

In Steve's joke, forensics finding the chemical signature of Melania's lipstick is better science than phoney handwriting experts.


14 Apr 24 - 06:02 PM (#4200931)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Manitas_at_home

Grief, you really don't understand jokes do you ?


14 Apr 24 - 06:29 PM (#4200932)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

He's here for trolling, not for jokes.


15 Apr 24 - 03:04 AM (#4200942)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

I'll never understand why some people are allowed to shit all over anyone else's threads while others are not allowed to post. I suspect Don either has some sinister hold on the Mudcat or is really Trump. Still, ours is not to reason why...


15 Apr 24 - 03:26 AM (#4200943)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Don goes to the library and asks for a book by Shakespeare

Certainly sir, which one?

William...


15 Apr 24 - 03:32 AM (#4200945)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick

{{{Sigh}}} ! I used to enjoy the joke threads. I wish people would just ignore the things that they don't find funny.

Getting back on track:-


A guy is hitch hiking but not meeting with much success. Eventually a car pulls up and he jumps in.

"Thanks for picking me up" he said. "Not many people want to give rides theses days. It's understandable, I suppose. I mean, after all, how do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

The driver looked at him and replied "What are the chances of two strangers being the same car and both of them being serial killers?"


DC


15 Apr 24 - 03:54 AM (#4200947)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

One of my favourites, Doug :-)

Psychotherapist moves into a new office and asks for his profession to be painted on the door so people can find him. The sign writer tries his best but finds it difficult to put such a long word in a small space so he decides to split it up

Psycho
The
Rapist


15 Apr 24 - 05:47 AM (#4200959)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

Reminds me of the shrink who claimed to be both an analyst and a therapist. You can imagine the portmanteau on his business card.


15 Apr 24 - 09:58 AM (#4200977)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

Rape jokes? I suppose all is fair in humor since it is the context and not the word's evil meaning. There are odd eggs who think rape is worse than murder. I know people who have recovered from rape, but murder?
There is a rumor that only one ancient Jew managed to recover from murder.

Besides if you try to switch rape and murder/kill it doesn't work. For example, the song Raping me Softly is awkward. Or the movies Rape Bill one and two, or the book To Rape a Mockingbird.


15 Apr 24 - 11:14 AM (#4200983)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Jesus wept...


15 Apr 24 - 10:01 PM (#4201025)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Joe_F

There are, or used to be, jokes based on the notion that women want to be raped. I will give an example if people insist.


16 Apr 24 - 03:05 AM (#4201035)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Probably told by Jim Davidson or Bernard Manning, Joe. Along with Irish and Black jokes. I think most of us are an age where we remember them and probably used to indulge but they are best left in the past.

I now prefer chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.


16 Apr 24 - 05:08 AM (#4201039)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver

The teenage girl arrived home to tell her mother she had been 'graped'. Her mother said 'Don't you mean raped love'? She said no...there was a bunch of them.


17 Apr 24 - 08:25 AM (#4201125)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

Amazon Tesla and Shell
made a worldwide pussy cartel
with planned obsolescence
and controlled detumescence
Poor men could not get a smell


17 Apr 24 - 08:57 AM (#4201128)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

That is some lame stuff, Don.


17 Apr 24 - 01:28 PM (#4201144)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

A bloke called Don on Mudcat
Just couldn't get where it's at
He failed at some jokes
So he just had some tokes
And all over the forum he shat


17 Apr 24 - 02:05 PM (#4201145)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

And from the hand of George Bernard...

Oh no, hang on, it may be another Shaw :-D

Donuel attempted a joke
But there is no helping the bloke
His efforts are tasteless
Incredibly baseless
Somebody get him his cloak


17 Apr 24 - 05:40 PM (#4201158)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick

I give up! I'm done with the Joke thread, at least for this year. Maybe I will look back in when it becomes the Joke thread for 2025 to see if people can behave like adults.

Carry on your petty squabbling, kiddywinks.

DC


17 Apr 24 - 06:31 PM (#4201160)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Don't let the door slam, Doug. Talking of which

Teenager: "And another thing - JIM MORRISON SUCKS!"

Dad: "Hey! There'll be no slamming of the Doors in this house!"


17 Apr 24 - 07:27 PM (#4201161)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

There was an old man from Bude
who frequently cooked in the nude
When hot oil splattered
he screamed like a bastard
and behaved entirely rude.


18 Apr 24 - 08:24 AM (#4201185)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

My reply

Splattered doesn't rhyme with bastard...

Maybe

When hot oil spat
He screamed like a twat

Steve's reply

Donuel's Mudcat "jokes" are no fun
Not amusing at all, not one
Can't roll on the floor
Please, Donuel, no more
Or this thread every member must shun


18 Apr 24 - 08:49 AM (#4201188)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

This is getting creepy. Perhaps we should stick to jokes from real members.


18 Apr 24 - 09:10 AM (#4201191)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

I'm just cutting and pasting from a named source, gillymor. If I just stop naming my source, like everyone else, is that any better?


18 Apr 24 - 09:22 AM (#4201193)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

Dave, in case you're unaware you're now acting as a surrogate for an abusive former member in a spat with a current member. There's a reason we have a separate B.S. section. That's all I've got to say on this subject.


18 Apr 24 - 10:52 AM (#4201198)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

The autocrat has ordered you to shun. The shun shines on he.

I started a joke which started the whole world crying
But I didn't see that the joke was on me oh no
I started to cry which started the whole world laughing
Oh If I'd only seen that the joke was on me
I looked at the skies running my hands over my eyes
And I fell out of bed hurting my head from things that I said
'Till I finally died which started the whole world living
Oh if I'd only seen that the joke was on me


18 Apr 24 - 11:21 AM (#4201199)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

That's great, Don but just for a change of pace how about sharing a joke.

A (Grateful) deadhead was walking down the street one day when a pixie pounced on him. "Today is your lucky day!" said the pixie. "I'm gonna give you two wishes. What will the first one be?" The hippie thinks for a moment and then says, "I want a never-ending joint." So the pixie snaps his fingers and there is this king-sized joint. The hippie sparks it up and starts puffing. After five hits the joint is still the same length. Next the pixie says, "...And number two?" The hippie replies, "This is so cool man! Gimme another one!"


19 Apr 24 - 12:21 PM (#4201242)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Gillymor - This IS the BS section!


19 Apr 24 - 01:52 PM (#4201245)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

Yes, Dave,this is the B.S. section and posting here is restricted to members. You've been posting for an abusive former member. Wether that is counter to the M.C. rules I don't know. I just find it creepy, as I said earlier. I hope that's clear enough and that we can get back to the jokes and whatever it is that Don does (well, maybe not that last part).


19 Apr 24 - 03:38 PM (#4201249)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

I fully understand your point, gillymor. Do you appreciate why I am posting Steve's jokes on his behalf while Don continues posting his shite with apparent impunity?

And I do post my own favourite jokes too

I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one...


19 Apr 24 - 04:25 PM (#4201252)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

My jokes are like fine wine but Dave's jokes age like milk.
Even my exaggerations are better and don't use the word s**t like Dave. Ghost posts from his brother from another mother age like
artificial creamer.


19 Apr 24 - 05:39 PM (#4201256)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Maybe that last post explains my actions better than ever I could.


19 Apr 24 - 06:07 PM (#4201258)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

MAYBE this world is another planet's hell.
I think not if we have the truth to tell.
Whenever I hear a preverbal baby laughing
It's hilarious, mysterious, and catching.


19 Apr 24 - 10:38 PM (#4201267)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

Someday you will die is not entirely true.
You stand an equal chance it might be night.


eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerm nvcsw
unedited text by my cat


Laughter is the best medicine but it's not covered in Senofou's health plan. (the poor dear is waiting for treatment for gall stones)

Many of you are deliberately putting your health at risk by being over 65 and not taking the newest fad medicine, or by taking them all.

My tax return was deemed suspicious for spending less than I earned.


20 Apr 24 - 05:35 AM (#4201276)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

I can't say I follow your reasoning, Dave. Besides, any resistance to Don's rambling nonsense seems to be futile and just encourages him to continue his trollery because he knows it's having it's desired effect.


20 Apr 24 - 06:33 AM (#4201279)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

btw, Don, your trite observations are the comedic equivalent of WAV's "poetry".


20 Apr 24 - 12:23 PM (#4201288)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

We are probably better having that conversation by PM gillymor but I didn't want to just drop a message on you out of the blue. If you want to continue the Steve discussion feel free to drop me a note or we can just agree to disagree now:-)

Meanwhile, from the late, great Tommy Cooper

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”


20 Apr 24 - 04:06 PM (#4201296)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

Talk about verse? Yes stories are best compared to comedians who recite 20 jokes and their set is done. Observational humor works well over here. I don't have fellow writers to bounce ideas back and forth but I HAVE SOME INTERESTING BRAIN DROPPINGS every year or two.

I live the embarrassment of Larry David without presenting it as entertainment or art. He gets good help though.

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?


20 Apr 24 - 05:21 PM (#4201298)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

At least the last but was an attempt at a joke but WTF was the rest of that shite?


21 Apr 24 - 03:13 AM (#4201321)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk

Humour often doesn't travel very well. I've found I need to test jokes aloud, as they often don't survive the journey from my brain to my vocal chords.


21 Apr 24 - 05:51 AM (#4201331)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

"Droppings" was the operative word there, Don, but kudos for actually telling a joke in a joke thread.

Until I met my wife I felt incomplete. Now I'm finished.


21 Apr 24 - 03:22 PM (#4201348)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

A very rich man was going through his finances, and he said to his wife, "You know, dear, if only you knew how to cook we could sack the chef."

"Well," she replied, "if only you knew how to screw we could sack the chauffeur."


21 Apr 24 - 05:45 PM (#4201360)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Joe_F

I think it is interesting (rather than infuriating) that there is a person who does not understand what a joke is. Are there others? Is there a literature on the subject?

What *is* a joke? Perhaps Freud can help.


21 Apr 24 - 06:13 PM (#4201364)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

If they need explaining, they are not jokes!

My psychiatrist told me that write letters to those I hate and then set fire to them. It did make me feel better but what should I do with all those letters?


22 Apr 24 - 05:40 AM (#4201381)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

I remember the first time I told my wife that I loved her. We were in a bar at happy hour knocking back 2 for 1 gin and tonics when I laid it on her. She wrote it off with, "Oh, gilly, you're drunk."
I assured her, "It's not just the booze talking. It's also the pot, the coke and the Xanax."


22 Apr 24 - 08:01 AM (#4201384)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Raggytash

I am always bemused by the way that humour does not seem (for the most part) to cross the Atlantic.

An example of, to me, superb humour can be found in the attached Dave Allen sketch

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QVPUIRGthI

I wonder what our American cousins will make of it.


22 Apr 24 - 08:53 AM (#4201386)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

He was a genious :-) Have you seen "Dave Allen at peace" with Aiden Gillan in the staring role? It is very good.

There are a few US comedies and comedians that I find funny but, generally, I struggle with some of the US humour too. I think it may be a cultural thing.

In the restaurant I asked the waitress for a lobster tail. "Certainly, sir," she replied. "Once upon a time there was this very handsome lobster..."


22 Apr 24 - 12:31 PM (#4201399)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy

Wait, is Steve Shaw gone, or is that a different joke?


22 Apr 24 - 12:37 PM (#4201401)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick

I wonder what our American cousins will make of it.

I would have thought that it was very much their cup of tea (or cup of coffee, if you prefer). I'm thinking of routines such as Bob Newhart's 'Driving Instructor'.

DC


22 Apr 24 - 01:04 PM (#4201403)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

Yeah, I was thinking Dave Allen's routine had a similar structure to bits that Newhart, Sid Caesar, Jackie Mason and the like were doing back in the 50's and early 60's. I imagine that style originated in Vaudeville. I thought that bit was hilarious, DA had a show that used to appear on my local PBS affiliate back in the 80's, also very funny.


22 Apr 24 - 01:32 PM (#4201406)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

300!

Bit of a Spartan joke...


22 Apr 24 - 02:13 PM (#4201409)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver

Now Dave Allen mentioned above made some great sketches...but for me...none better than this one about the End of the World..
https://youtu.be/VjuROfmNDGQ?si=dcVfa4ju1WF2twom


22 Apr 24 - 02:19 PM (#4201411)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick

Oops! I'm not supposed to be taking part in this thread anymore, am I? That didn't last long.

Dave Allen was one of my favourite comedians, especially when talking about religion.

DC


22 Apr 24 - 03:01 PM (#4201416)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Goodnight and may your god go with you :-)


23 Apr 24 - 09:50 AM (#4201449)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Raggytash

I wanted to post a joke about sodium but then I thought Na people won't understand it.


25 Apr 24 - 11:35 AM (#4201596)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

Patient (to his doctor during a prostate exam): How's it look back there, Doc?

Doctor: Well, you seem to have a lettuce leaf protruding from your posterior.

Patient: Is that serious?

Doctor: It's just the tip of the iceberg.


Possible Trump slogan for 2024:

MAGA- Make America Gag Again


26 Apr 24 - 03:07 AM (#4201638)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: BobL

Make America Grate Again


26 Apr 24 - 10:23 AM (#4201646)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Going for the treble...

I told my mate that I have a pet termite called Clint.

"That's a strange name for a termite," he said. "How come?"

"His full name is Clint Eatswood..."

And a literal sick joke:

Two piles of vomit were walking down the road when one of them burst into tears.

"What's the matter?" asked his mate.

"You see that derelict old pub across the road? That's where I was brought up..."

And finally:

I asked the counter clerk at the motel if I could have porn disabled in my room.

"Certainly not! We only do normal porn here, you sick bastard!"


28 Apr 24 - 09:29 AM (#4201712)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Bloke calls round on his best mate, to find him in a state of doom and gloom.

"Hey, what's up, mate?"

"The missus told me she was going to the shop for a pint of milk. Ten minutes later she sent me a text saying she'd been having an affair and was never coming back!"

"Jaysus, mate, that's terrible! How are you going to cope!"

"I'm just going to have to use the powdered stuff..."


29 Apr 24 - 05:32 AM (#4201740)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick

A young lady had started working at a pharmacy and, after the first month, was given a performance review. Her boss was very happy with her work in general but was particularly impressed with the high turnover of condoms she had achieved, compared to the other employees. He asked her the secret of her success.

"They come in packs of 3, 12 or 60" she explained. "If someone comes in for condoms, I ask them if they want small, medium or large and they always say large so I sell them a pack of 60".

DC


29 Apr 24 - 10:18 AM (#4201760)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk

Thanks for the reminder, Doug .... of a problem I remember NASA having with the devices fitted to each astronaut's penis for purposes of urination, which for tolerably obvious reasons had to be a tight, but not over-tight, fit. These devices were produced in Small, Medium and Large sizes; to save the astronauts' blushes, they were relabelled (respectively) Large, Extra-Large and Enormous.


29 Apr 24 - 10:34 AM (#4201761)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

Reminds me of the fellow who went to a bar and beheld the loveliest woman he'd ever seen serving him drinks. He tried every pickup line he could think of to entice her to go out with him and the comely barmaid ignored every one of them. Finally, in desperation, he dropped trou and said "What do you think of that?" to which she replied "That looks like a penis, only smaller."


29 Apr 24 - 11:44 AM (#4201767)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Bloke asks his mate for advice on how to chat to the ladies

"Just see a girl you like, wait for the right opportunity, say hello, compliment her on something and then just chat to her normally. Easy."

OK, the lad thinks and the next day he sees a young woman he really likes coming out of the bathroom.

"Hello", he says to her

"Hi" she replies

"That is a really pretty dress you are wearing"

"Oh, thank you"

"Been for a shit then?"


29 Apr 24 - 12:59 PM (#4201771)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver

When Viagra first hit the market, I decided to find out if it would be good for me. I went to the pharmacist, a lovely blndee lady who told me all I needed to know about it.......I asked her 'Can I get it over the counter'? She replied 'You might if you take two'


29 Apr 24 - 08:06 PM (#4201794)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

The psychic contortionist saw her own end.


01 May 24 - 05:54 AM (#4201860)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Psychic conference cancelled due to unforseen circumstances...

The teacher was telling her class about Jesus. She went round the room and asked her charges where they thought Jesus was today.

Little Mary said, "He's in my heart."

Little Peter said, "He's in heaven."

Little Billy said, "He's in our bathroom."

"In your bathroom? Good heavens, Billy, what makes you think that Jesus is in your bathroom?"

"Well, Miss, every morning when my dad gets up he bangs on the bathroom door and shouts 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"


01 May 24 - 02:06 PM (#4201880)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel

Polestar has developed a completely computerized car from its design manufacture and operation. They just can't seem to install Windows.


02 May 24 - 08:36 AM (#4201918)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

The purpose of a joke is not to make you funny but to make other people laugh. I think I have spotted where you are going wrong, Don. You are trying to be funny rather than trying to make people laugh. Eventually you may catch on but I doubt it.

Who wrote the joke is irrelevent. It is whether others find the joke itself is funny is what matters. And, to a certain extent, the telling of it.

I say, I say, I say. What make good comedy?

I don't know wha..

Timing!

A priest, a rabbit and an imam walked into a bar. The barman asked the rabbit what he wanted to drink. "Dunno," came the reply. "I'm only here because of autocorrect..."


02 May 24 - 08:48 AM (#4201919)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

To me this thread is simply a place to exchange jokes and give others a laugh. The origin of those jokes is of no matter but if you're going to post an original make damn sure it's funny. No points for originality, something is either funny or it ain't so maybe you ought give your efforts a few read overs before you hit the submit button, Don.


02 May 24 - 11:05 AM (#4201923)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Spot on gillymor.

When you think about it, all jokes are just variations on a few themes anyway. The setting or telling may be original but I doubt if the underlying theme is. Most people still find them funny even if they know what is coming. Don is the exception of course.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh


02 May 24 - 06:12 PM (#4201949)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Bill D

Another condom joke...

A condom manufacturer in Texas gets an order from Alaska soon after it became a state. They requested gross of condoms at least 9" long.
The president of the company was asked what to do.
"Fill it," he said, "but mark it 'medium'."


02 May 24 - 06:23 PM (#4201950)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

2 punk rockers making love to music

"Is that Johnny Rotten?"

"I hope not, I've only used it 5 times...^


03 May 24 - 02:04 PM (#4201964)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

Three nuns are out for a walk and the first nun says, “You won't believe this but I found a copy of Playboy in the priest’s room?”

“What did you do with it?” asks the second nun.

“I tore it up, of course.”

“That’s nothing,” says the second nun. “I found condoms in his room.”

“What did you do with them?" asks the first nun.

The second nun responds, "I poked holes in all of them."

“Oh f*ck,” says the third nun.


04 May 24 - 07:05 AM (#4201994)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver

When I was very young I told people I wanted to be a comedian....they all laughed at me.. WELL I AM ONE and they're not laughing now!!


05 May 24 - 07:09 AM (#4202060)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

A little lad came home from his fishing trip.

He says to his Mum, "Look, Mum, I've got some dam fish!"

His mother says, "Don't you talk like that please! That's not very nice!"

The little boy says, "But Mum, I call them the dam fish because I caught them when I was fishing near the dam!"

"In that case," she says, "I'll cook them and we'll have them for tea."

So at teatime the family are all sitting around the table and Dad says to the lad, "Please pass the dam fish, m'boy."

The lad says, "Sure, here you are, Dad. Now please pass me the fucking potatoes..."


06 May 24 - 05:52 AM (#4202121)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

A cowboy, a stranger in town, strode into the saloon and ordered a beer. But the locals had a habit of always playing tricks on strangers, and when he eventually went to leave his horse had disappeared.

He strode back into the saloon, ordered another beer then took the gun from his holster and shot a hole in the ceiling. "OK," he shouted threateningly, "This happened in Texas too, and unless ma hoss is back out there by the time I finish this beer I'm a-gonna do what I done in Texas, and I really don't wanna be doing what I done in Texas..."

The terrified locals scurried out and quickly replaced his horse. As he left the saloon, the trembling bartender followed him out and asked him what he'd done in Texas.

"I walked home..."


06 May 24 - 09:20 AM (#4202137)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick

Early bird gets the worm, ......


It's the early worm that gets caught.

DC


07 May 24 - 09:59 AM (#4202203)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Ernest

Early bird gets the worm - but the second mouse gets the cheese...
(heard from Ben Sands)


07 May 24 - 10:22 AM (#4202205)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

An old tongue twister-

Repeat 3 times: “I’m not a pheasant plucker, I’m a pheasant plucker’s son, and I’m only plucking pheasants till the pheasant plucker comes”.


07 May 24 - 11:43 AM (#4202212)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk

When i were a lad, it was "The early worm gets the bird", together with a cartoon of a bird's head being pulled into a wormhole.


08 May 24 - 06:29 AM (#4202233)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Three dogs are sitting in the vet's waiting room.

The dogs ask each other what they're in for.

The first dog says, "I just can't help myself regarding the postman. I got so angry the other day that I bit him. Now I'm being put to sleep."

The second dog says, "Well I bark a lot. I know I'm not supposed to bark all night, but I just can't help myself. So I'm being put to sleep too."

The first two look at the third dog for his story.

"Well, my owner likes to do her housework in the nude," he said. "Yesterday, she bent over to hoover under the settee. I couldn't help myself: I jumped on her from behind and had the best ten minutes of my life!"

The other two dogs looked at him compassionately. "So you're being put to sleep too?"

"What? No, I'm here to have my nails clipped!"


08 May 24 - 02:08 PM (#4202247)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

A Trump supporter dies & goes to heaven (use your imagination) and encounters the Almighty.

God: You lived a good enough life so I will grant you a completely honest answer to any question you have.

Trumpista: Who really won the 2020 election?

God: Biden, in a fair election.

Trumpista: The Deep State conspiracy goes even higher than I thought.


10 May 24 - 06:21 AM (#4202313)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

These two blokes were sitting on the beach. One of them moaned to the other, "How come you always get a nice girl? I can never get a girl myself at all!"

His friend replied, "Well, I'll give you a tip. Get a potato and put it down your swimming trunks and just you wait. The girls will be swarming all over you in no time."

A few hours later the bloke came back to his friend and said, "Well that didn't work - in fact people just seemed to laugh at me!"

His friend looked at him and said, "You're supposed to put the potato down the FRONT of your trunks, you idiot!"


11 May 24 - 12:10 PM (#4202372)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick

An airline introduced a special half-fare offer for wives accompanying there husbands on business trips. Expecting some useful testimonials, the airline wrote to all the wives of the businessmen who had taken up the offer, asking how they enjoyed the trip.

Replies are still pouring in asking "What trip?".

DC


13 May 24 - 10:54 AM (#4202455)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk

Family expressions: "bribe", meaning biscuit, dates back to when Sir was at the learning-to-speak toddler stage; he's always been chronically noisy.* Once when it was getting especially wearing, I was standing in the kitchen, so I reached into the biscuit barrel, drew out a biscuit, and waggled it in front of him, saying: "Can I bribe you to silence?" He solemnly accepted the biscuit, and all was peace for a while.

A day or two later, it was reported that he'd run into the kitchen, pointed at the biscuit barrel, and said "Wants bribe! Wants bribe!"

* He still is (when he isn't sulking), and he's taller than me now.


14 May 24 - 05:04 PM (#4202505)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

A guy walked into a book store and asked the clerk, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"

The clerk angrily said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!"

I said, "Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"


17 May 24 - 06:28 PM (#4202621)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Joe_F

What's the difference between a rich Scotsman, a puir Scotsman, and a deid Scotsman?
A rich Scotsman has a canopy over his bed. A puir Scotsman has a can o' pee under his bed. A deid Scotsman canna pee at a'.
(Heard in Scotland in 1959. It must be pretty old.)


18 May 24 - 08:21 AM (#4202641)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

A bloke was on his own and well pissed in the pub, but quiet enough for the landlord to ignore him.

Suddenly he calls to the landlord, "Hey, guv, if I can score a bull on your dartboard with just one dart from this seat, will you give me something?"

Well the dartboard was at least thirty feet from the drunk guy's table so the landlord thought well what the hell, I'll humour the daft bugger, so he gave him a dart.   

The bloke swayed around in his seat and chucked the dart aimlessly across the room. But guess what: bullseye!

Well the landlord was nonplussed. He struggled to find something he could give the chap. All he could think of was the tortoise he'd bought earlier that day for his young nephew. So that's what he handed over, still in its box.

A week later the chap was back in the pub, well oiled, sitting in the same seat. He sez to the landlord, "Hey, mate, same again? One dart from here, bullseye, you give me something?"

The landlord thought to himself that there was no way the bloke could repeat that freakish stunt, so he handed the chap a dart. But the feller swayed around, almost falling on the floor, and chucked the dart skyward. But whaddya know: bullseye again!

"OK, give me something," he said to the landlord. "But no food this time, pal. That pie you gave me last week had a stale crust"


21 May 24 - 09:25 AM (#4202767)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick

The landlord of a pub had a dog that was well known to all the regulars. One night, as he was ejecting the last, reluctant drinker, he slammed the door on the dog’s tail, chopping it clean off. This caused much comment among the regular customers, and the tail was fixed above the bar for all to see.

Some years later, the dog peacefully passed away in his sleep. He floated up to Doggy Heaven and barked at the pearly gates. St Bernard came to let him in, but noticed his lack of a tail. Rex explained that he'd lost it, but St Bernard said that they only let whole dogs in, so he would have to go back and fetch it.

He floated down to earth again, and got into the pub through the scullery window as usual. He tried to reach the tail over the bar, but couldn't manage it. There was only one thing for it - he would have to get the boss up. He barked until his owner came downstairs in his nightshirt. The landlord was surprised to see his deceased pet sitting there but realised what he was after when he saw him whimpering and looking up at the tail.   He shook his head sadly and said "Well, I'm sorry Rex, but you know the rules - I can’t retail spirits after hours."

DC


22 May 24 - 07:31 AM (#4202807)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Two wives went on a girlie night out. By the end of the evening they were both well oiled to say the least.

On the way home they were both busting for a wee. They sneaked into a graveyard and relieved themselves. But they had nowt to, er, wipe up with. One decided to use her knickers. The other looked around and spotted a wreath on a grave that had a bit of ribbon attached, so that's what she used.

Next morning one of the husbands rang the other and said, "Not sure the girls should be doing that again. My missus arrived home with no knickers on!"

The other bloke said, "you should worry, mate. My missus came home with a card stuck on her bum that said 'From everyone in the fire brigade. We'll never forget you."


22 May 24 - 11:16 AM (#4202815)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick

Stolen from the internet:-


A man received the following text from his neighbour:
I am SO sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn auto-correct. I meant "wifi", not "wife".


DC


24 May 24 - 09:00 AM (#4202887)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales while sucking in my stomach. "Ha!" she said, "That isn't going to help you!"

"Don't be silly, of course it will!" I replied, "It's the only way I can see the numbers!"


24 May 24 - 12:43 PM (#4202897)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver

When my ex accused me of behaving like a flamingo...I really put my foot down.


27 May 24 - 10:11 AM (#4203000)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Sol

Found this one on the web.....

I was going to write a song about plagiarism but then I thought, I'll wait till somebody else does and copy it.


01 Jun 24 - 05:01 PM (#4203267)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Justa Picker

2 rednecks, sitting in lawn chairs on a hot summer night, are knocking back beers. It's a very clear night and the stars are on full display. One of them is starring at the sky. After a minute, he turns to his buddy and wistfully asks: "So what do you think's farther? Florida ... or the moon?" His friend laughs and says "you're a frickin' idiot! Can you SEE Florida!!??"


02 Jun 24 - 07:41 AM (#4203296)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

An American woman gets a job as a PE teacher of 14-year-olds in a school in England. On her first day, she comes to watch the kids playing football. She watches as they all get together and start playing. However, she quickly notices a boy at the end of the field standing all alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

"You ok?" she says kindly.

"Yes," he says.

"You can go and play with the other kids, you know." she says encouragingly.

"It’s best I stay here," he says.

"Why’s that, dear?" asks the teacher.

The boy gives her a weird look and says, “Because I’m the goalie.”


04 Jun 24 - 12:43 PM (#4203439)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load.

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.
??


05 Jun 24 - 07:26 AM (#4203486)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver

I used to work for Rogets' Thesaurus but I got sacked, fired, booted, ejected, kicked, let go.


05 Jun 24 - 11:26 AM (#4203495)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

An old bloke gets pulled over doing 100 in a 50 mile an hour zone. The cop says “Licence and registration please.”

The bloke says, “I don't have a licence. They wouldn't give me one because I'm blind. And I don't have the registration because I stole the car.”

“Stole the car!” the cop exclaims. “Who's the owner?”

“I don't know. I forgot to ask him his name before I killed him.”

“You killed him?”

“Yeah, the body's in the boot.”

At this point the cop calls for backup. Three police cars arrive along with the chief inspector. “Can I see your licence and registration please?”

The old guy says, “Certainly, officer,” and hands them over.

“Could you open the boot?”

“Of course.” The guy pops the boot open, and it's empty except for a spare tyre.

The inspector says, “My officer told me you were blind, had no licence or registration, and had killed the previous owner and thrown him in the boot!"

The old guy laughs and says, “Oh yeah? I bet he told you I was speeding too!"


06 Jun 24 - 02:25 PM (#4203541)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Now we are getting self drive vehicles, how long will it be before we get a country song about a guy's truck leaving him?


06 Jun 24 - 03:01 PM (#4203544)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

Referencing the old joke, all he'll have to do to get his truck back is to play the song in reverse.


06 Jun 24 - 06:04 PM (#4203553)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Joe_F

I believe I have seen it cited: "My pickup truck left me for another man."


07 Jun 24 - 07:17 PM (#4203602)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Neil D

The James gang was robbing a train and Jesse shouts "if you don't give us your money and valuables were going to kill all the women and rape all the men." Someone asked "Jesse, don't you mean rape the women and kill the men?" But a man in the back of the car yells "Excuse me...but I think Mr.James knows how to rob a train."


08 Jun 24 - 06:41 AM (#4203628)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

Bloke got pulled over for drink-driving. The policeman was just about to administer the breathalyser when a terrible kerfuffle broke out on the opposite carriageway, two blokes kicking the shite out of each other.

Naturally, the copper had to temporarily abandon the drunk bloke, so he rushed across the road to intervene in the scrap. The drunk saw his chance, so he jumped back behind the wheel and sped home.

Next morning, there came a knock on his door. The same policeman was there, saying to the bloke that he knew he had been completely pissed the night before.

"Well you can say that, but that was hours ago, so now you can't prove a thing!"

"Fair enough," said the cop. "Tell you what - I'll leave you in peace as long as we can have our police car back..."


08 Jun 24 - 10:16 AM (#4203633)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor

lol, Neil.

Trump's driving around Wales, gets thirsty and has his chauffeur pull over so he can drink from a stream. A Welsh farmer shouts to him, in Welsh, "Don't drink from that stream, the sheep piss in it!"
To which Trump responds, "This is England, speak English!"
The farmer shouts back, in English, "Use 2 hands, you'll get more water."


09 Jun 24 - 12:53 PM (#4203678)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver

After a lot of drinks on Friday night, I decided to leave my car at the pub and get a bus home. It was great passing all the police cars and getting smiled at. The bus just kept going and got me home in one piece....which is surprising really as I had never driven a bus before..


12 Jun 24 - 09:32 AM (#4203808)
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome

St Peter is guarding the gates of heaven one day and finds that he’s desperate to use the toilet.

He calls Jesus over and says “Oi Jesus, I’m dying for a Richard the Third. Can you keep an eye on things for me for 10 minutes before I have an accident in my heavenly robes?”

“No problem Pete” says Jesus. “What do I have to do?”

“It’s simple, when you see someone coming up the celestial ladder, ask them what they did on Earth and, if they’re OK to come in and, if they are, let them in. Nothing to it really”

So Jesus waits by the Pearly Gates and sees this man approaching with what looks like a set of carpenters’ tools. He greets the stranger and asks about his life.

The stranger says “Well, I was a carpenter by trade and worked at it all my life”

Jesus asks “Did you have a son?”

“I certainly did” replies the man, “However, he wasn’t born in the usual way and I sent him out into the world to learn and to do good. I pray that one day we’ll be back together”

Jesus can’t believe what he’s hearing, stares at he man through moist eyes and says “Father?”

The man looks at Jesus and through equally moistened eyes he says “Pinocchio?”