I've started so I'll finnish

Q: How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando? A: Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.

Why do bands have bass players? To translate for the drummer.

Q: What's the difference between a drummer & drum machine?

A: With a drum machine you only have to punch the instructions in once!

Dictionary of Musical Terms

JAZZ: Five men on the same stage all playing different tunes.

BLUES: Played exclusively by people who woke up this morning. WORLD MUSIC : A dozen different types of percussion all going at once. OPERA : People singing when they should be talking. RAP : People talking when they should be singing. CLASSICAL : Discover the other 45 minutes they left out of the TV ad. FOLK : Endless songs about shipwrecks in the 19th century. BIG BAND : 20 men who take it in turns to stand up plus a drummer. HEAVY METAL : Codpiece and chaps HOUSE MUSIC : OK as long as it's not the house next door.

A drummer, tired of being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion." The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".

Drummer & lead guitarist have a massive fight, when it's broken up , it turns out the drummer turned the one of the guitarists tuning knobs and wouldn't say which one.

What happens when you sing country and western music backwards?

You get your wife and your job back.