Dear Lead Lad,

If you do not provide horrible hints or suggestive suggestions, I certainly cannot provide gorgeous gifties that you would entirely enjoy.

Old Pere Noel did his level best last Yuletide to supply the Irish setter, the latex thong bikini bottom, the (shudder!) Budweiser and the muskoxen you requested "to help make Christmas bright," indeed he did. But you were such a naughty, naughty boy! Oh my, yes! Why, you made old Kris Kringle blush scarlet when he read what you did with that haggis and we didn't need heat heare at the North Pole for a month.

Since your behaviour has shown a slight improvement this year you will be getting a gift. Not a Jaguar or the gate keys to the Llanfwddych School For Wayward Girls, mind you, but a little something. The larger gifts await much improved conduct.