Kim C, you are definitely right about his lack of organisation. I accept that part. There are lots of places where he can spread his stuff. As well as the dining room table and all over the place outside, and bits in other places, he has a whole room in which to do his thing, and I don't interfere. He actually asked me once to help him get it organised and I did, but it soon got chaotic again. He loses things in the piles and gets frustrated himself sometimes. I try to rescue important things like bills out of the mess so they won't be forgotten, and he's happy that I do that, but otherwise I try to turn a blind eye.

All I asked was that he do the messy stuff in his hobby room, and keep the kitchen bench clear - it's only a little kitchen and I need the space. The paint and glue is leaving marks on the surface too. He agreed the first time I asked him, but then a few days later, he used it again - sounding apologetic and coming up with some reason why he wanted to do it there (eg, it was near the kettle). He knows I don't want him to do it, but it keeps happening, and he always acts like a naughty boy being scolded. I hate being cast into the role of nagging parent - I'm mostly very easy going - I would just like to have some places in the house that are not chaotic. I have to live there too. I need the kitchen to be a kitchen. I don't think that's too much to ask.

It's not like the stuff is spilling over into the kitchen. It is nowhere near his hobby room, so when he keeps making a deliberate choice to use that area knowing how I feel about it, it feels like he just doesn't seem to care that it's important to me. I have tried to tell him these things, but he immediately gets defensive and says I am attacking him, no matter how carefully I have expressed myself. It just feels like I have to constantly walk on eggshells to ask for anything I want, because he assumes I am saying he is incompetent. Yes he is messy, but far from incompetent. I'm not exactly a neatness freak myself, but I try to confine my mess to my own little corners.

It seems that he has his own demons to deal with - he is a good man in lots of ways, generous and a very creative person, but this is threatening to overwhelm all the good bits, and finding out that my blood pressure was up was a real wake up call. I do need to look after myself. I can't afford to be stewing over stupid arguments and worrying whether I am going to use the right words that he won't take offence at. If I suggested counselling, he would take it as a criticism of him - I can't say anything at all that even suggests vaguely that anything might be wrong.

Sorry for the rant. Had to put it somewhere. I'm a regular mudcatter but thought I should remain anonymous for this.