What's it like? Are they sensitive lovers? Can they be trusted? I never thought I'd be asking such questions, but I've gotten to know a really nice chimpanzee and things are approaching that crucial stage in our relationship. For personal reasons, I do not intend to reveal my own gender or the gender of the chimpanzee. Suffice it to say that we met through a mutual business contact. At first I was surprised to see a chimpanzee dressed like a human being and speaking excellent English with an American accent. I soon discovered that my friend is a well-payed professional, accustomed to dealing with everything that a human being deals with in our complex society. In fact, this individual is frankly more human in a number of ways that many actual humans I have known. What if this relationship should become truly serious and we form a lasting committment? Would it be possible to produce children from such a union or is that unrealistic or inadvisable? How should I approach my relatives, who are devout Baptists, about this matter? Or must our love remain a dark secret? I hate sneaking about and telling lies to people. It's always been my instinct to come out straight about things and damn the torpedoes, but this is a tough one. What if the press gets hold of it? I shudder at the thought of what could happen then, being followed about by hordes of leering paparazzi and offered obscene sums of money to "tell all" on reality TV shows!

I am so perplexed.