Dear Sir,

Thank you for your interest in the defra Pig Industry Restructuring Scheme (PIRS). I regret to have to advise you that this scheme is now closed, and that no further payments will be made except for the development of aerial products. You may however wish to investigate the Department's Pig Industry Substitition Scheme - Organic Farming Fund, further details of which may be found at www.defra.gov.uk.

Yours faithfully &c.

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Out on the old pig farm

To the tune of 'Down on Penney's Farm'

Come you ladies and gents, listen to my song,
I'll sing it right, and I won't take long,
It may seem crazy, but I mean no harm,
It's just 'bout the subsidies on my pig farm;
Now it's good times in the country, out on the old pig farm.

Now when I started out on my pig farm,
I had a hog and a sow I kept in the barn;
Lots of little piggies they soon came along -
I ate bacon and sausages all day long;
It was good times in the country, out on the old pig farm.

I worked real hard in the muck all day,
But those little pigs they never did pay;
Sold them in the market for twenty a head,
Cost twice as much just to keep them fed;
It's hard times in the country, out on the old pig farm.

Now the man from the ministry he came down,
With a big cheque book he waved around,
Said there's no money in breeding pork,
You'll get compensation for stopping work;
No more hard times in the country, out on the old pig farm.

Now I get paid for every pig I don't breed,
I got more and more pigs I don't have to feed,
I'll spend the money to buy me some land,
Where I'll grow no crops for money in hand.
It's good times in the country, out on the old pig farm.

Note: in Joseph Heller's Catch 22 Major Major's father worked without rest at not growing alfalfa and invested in land so wisely that he didn't grow alfalfa more than any other farmer.