Farming with a difference - Song Challenge!

Subject: Farming with a difference
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 31 Mar 07 - 09:20 PM

This could only happen in England, surely...

We need a song about this - I challenge you!

To: Rt Hon David Milliband MP Secretary of State, DEFRA
--------------------------------------------------------


Dear Secretary of State

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I now want to join the not rearing pigs business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agriculture Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I havent reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any. If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100?

I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. Then I can afford to buy an aeroplane.

Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I didn't rear?

I am also considering the not milking cows business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the Government information on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will qualify for unemployment benefits.

I shall of course vote for you at the next general election.

Yours faithfully....

Subject: RE: Farming with a difference
From: Peace
Date: 31 Mar 07 - 09:29 PM

Sounds like Canada and the goddammned Wheat Board.

Subject: RE: Farming with a difference
From: Effsee
Date: 31 Mar 07 - 09:37 PM

BS

Subject: RE: Farming with a difference
From: katlaughing
Date: 31 Mar 07 - 11:13 PM

Not if someone writes a song about!

Subject: RE: Farming with a difference - Song Challenge!
From: Flash Company
Date: 01 Apr 07 - 10:56 AM

There once was a farmer raised no little pigs,
No little piggies had he,
He couldn't afford the price of feed,
So he kept his pens empty , you see.

Well one day a fellow from DEFRA came,
And unto the farmer said he,
We'll pay you good money for raising no pigs,
If you keep your pens empty, you see!

Well now, said the farmer, just how can that be?
It seems a bit crazy to me,
I couldn't make money from raising my pigs,
But you'll pay me to keep the land free.

Yes, said the official, that's really the case,
'Cos we're in the EU, you see,
We buy all our pork from the continent,
So keep your pens empty and free

Now here is a cheque for a thousand or two,
Or maybe a thousand or three,
But don't you go buying any pigs with it,
We can't risk Swine fever you see.

Brian Q
Roughly fits to a song I heard Guy Carawan sing years ago called 'The three Little Pigs'

Subject: RE: Farming with a difference - Song Challenge!
From: GUEST,meself
Date: 01 Apr 07 - 11:00 AM

How about a chorus where all the "punters" get to go "oink, oink, snort, snort" and make assorted pig noises - think "Old MacDonald". You'd have a hit on your hands, I'm tellin' ya.

Subject: RE: Farming with a difference - Song Challenge!
From: Jim Lad
Date: 01 Apr 07 - 11:54 AM

Oh, The Summer can come and the summer can go
The Pigs can see the wind (oink Oink) ....
That's a good song too.

Subject: RE: Farming with a difference - Song Challenge!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 01 Apr 07 - 01:04 PM

I once knew a farmer who danced jolly jigs,
On receiving his pay cheque for rearing no pigs.
He said that in some ways he felt quite a jerk,
Because raising no pigs means a whole lot less work.

He went to an auction of swine in the town,
And found that the prices of pigs had gone down.
There's nobody wants them the auctioneer said,
They'd rather have a £3000 cheque instead.

So the companies selling the pig food went bust,
The old metal pig pens all developed rust.
One wonders quite who here is the person at fault,
Whilst the subsidied farmer just sips on his malt.

The meat still arrives in the Supermarket,
Some of it is the best I've tasted yet.
So if meat comes from far away, I don't give a damn,
As long as I get my pork, bacon and ham.

Subject: RE: Farming with a difference - Song Challenge!
From: Jim Lad
Date: 01 Apr 07 - 01:36 PM

Oh Doctor, Oh Doctor, Oh Doctor D'Jon
Your Cod liver oil is so pure and so strong.

That fits. Good one GeorgianSilver!

Subject: RE: Farming with a difference - Song Challenge!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 01 Apr 07 - 01:55 PM

Sorry that should say subsidised farmer not subsidied.

Subject: RE: Farming with a difference - Song Challenge!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 02 Apr 07 - 02:09 AM

A couple of good efforts for the basic idea - but what caught me originally was the ridiculous lengths to which the guy wants to carry it... "Virtual Fields" ... etc... :-)

Subject: RE: Farming with a difference - Song Challenge!
From: Flash Company
Date: 02 Apr 07 - 11:00 AM

Oh the Farmers and the Gov'ment should be friends,
Yes the Farmers and the Gov'ment should be friends,
If the Farmer just stops raising swine,
The Gov'ment will pay up just fine,
That surely ought to make them best of friends!

CH Agriculture folk must stick together,
Keep your snout in the Brussels heap,
Farmers snog with the Ministers daughters,
Ministers S*** the Farmers sheep!

I'll get me coat!

FC

Subject: RE: Farming with a difference - Song Challenge!
From: Cats
Date: 02 Apr 07 - 01:30 PM

Whose pigs aren't these?
Whose pigs aren't these?
They're not Jon Pots
You can't see the spots,
And they're not in the vicarage garden.


To be sung in virtual harmony and going round and round and round and round and round... etc etc

Subject: RE: Farming with a difference - Song Challenge!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Apr 07 - 03:09 PM

Old MacDonald had a farm, E.I.E.I.O
And on that farm he had no pigs, E.I.E.I.O
With three grand here and three grand there,
Loadsa money so the farmer don't care,
Old Mac Donald had a farm E.I.E.I.O

Subject: RE: Farming with a difference - Song Challenge!
From: Cats
Date: 03 Apr 07 - 04:21 AM

Does this mean you can be sent back from Australia for not stealing a sheep?

Subject: RE: Farming with a difference - Song Challenge!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 03 Apr 07 - 06:38 AM

Virtually!

Subject: RE: Farming with a difference - Song Challenge!
From: GUEST,sinky
Date: 03 Apr 07 - 09:50 AM

farmer norman has no cows
he doesnt have a duck
he will vote tory,and drive a jeep
cos he doesnt give a f@@k

Subject: RE: Farming with a difference - Song Challenge!
From: Flash Company
Date: 03 Apr 07 - 10:01 AM

Silver..... Amend Slightly

Old McDonald had a farm EU EU O......

FC

Subject: RE: Farming with a difference - Song Challenge!
From: GUEST,The Person from the Ministry
Date: 03 Apr 07 - 12:10 PM

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your interest in the defra Pig Industry Restructuring Scheme (PIRS). I regret to have to advise you that this scheme is now closed, and that no further payments will be made except for the development of aerial products. You may however wish to investigate the Department's Pig Industry Substitition Scheme - Organic Farming Fund, further details of which may be found at www.defra.gov.uk.

Yours faithfully &c.

********************************************************************

Out on the old pig farm

To the tune of 'Down on Penney's Farm'

Come you ladies and gents, listen to my song,
I'll sing it right, and I won't take long,
It may seem crazy, but I mean no harm,
It's just 'bout the subsidies on my pig farm;
Now it's good times in the country, out on the old pig farm.

Now when I started out on my pig farm,
I had a hog and a sow I kept in the barn;
Lots of little piggies they soon came along -
I ate bacon and sausages all day long;
It was good times in the country, out on the old pig farm.

I worked real hard in the muck all day,
But those little pigs they never did pay;
Sold them in the market for twenty a head,
Cost twice as much just to keep them fed;
It's hard times in the country, out on the old pig farm.

Now the man from the ministry he came down,
With a big cheque book he waved around,
Said there's no money in breeding pork,
You'll get compensation for stopping work;
No more hard times in the country, out on the old pig farm.

Now I get paid for every pig I don't breed,
I got more and more pigs I don't have to feed,
I'll spend the money to buy me some land,
Where I'll grow no crops for money in hand.
It's good times in the country, out on the old pig farm.

Note: in Joseph Heller's Catch 22 Major Major's father worked without rest at not growing alfalfa and invested in land so wisely that he didn't grow alfalfa more than any other farmer.

Subject: RE: Farming with a difference - Song Challenge!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 04 Apr 07 - 07:05 AM

Thta's good - I'd lke to use it - but since you don't want to admit you wrote it - to whom should it be attributed?

And I'm not familar with the tune.

Subject: RE: Farming with a difference - Song Challenge!
From: SouthernCelt
Date: 04 Apr 07 - 01:05 PM

Echoing Foolestroupe's question. That one will work on either side of the big pond. I'd like to add it to my novelty song list as well. Should we just attribute to the Person from the Ministry if in the UK and surroundings and to the unnamed representative of the Dept. of Agriculture in the US? (Don't who you Canucks should attribute to...)

SC

Subject: Lyr Add: I RIPPED OFF WHAT I COULD
From: Charley Noble
Date: 05 Apr 07 - 12:37 PM

This challenge is dead easy:

I Ripped Off What I Could!
(after When I First Came to This Land)

When I first came to this land,
I was not a wealthy man;
So I bought a herd of virtual pigs
And I ripped off all I could!
I called that herd,
"Pigs Absurd"
The subsidies were sweet and good,
I ripped off what I could!

When I first...(as above),
So I hired a managing crew...(as above)
I called that crew "My Subsidy's Due"
Called that herd...(as above)

When I first...(as above),
So I bribed an agricultural inspector...(as above)
I called that inspector "My Protector"
I called that crew...(as above)

When I first...(as above),
So I wrote a new subsidy bill...(as above)
Called each line "I've Got Mine"
Called that inspector...(as above)

Now that I've been in this land,
I am quite a wealthy man;
So I sold off all I owned,
I ripped off what I could;
I called that deal "I'm Well Heeled"
And I quietly skipped town,
I ripped off what I could!

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: Farming with a difference - Song Challenge!
From: Charley Noble
Date: 05 Apr 07 - 02:55 PM

PS

This is what they mean nowadays by "bringing in the bacon."

Charley Noble