Grossosity! by reggie miles

Reggie's Comments:  Upon exploring a book fair, I ran across a particularly interesting work of nonfiction written for children which described the grosser workings of our bodies in some detail.  I expanded upon what I had read about within that book, (just slightly ;~)), and developed the following.  Then I used part of the melody of the song, With Her Head Tucked Underneath Her Arm, as sung by Rudy Valley and his Valley Boys, to work with my verse structure.  Don't ask me how, but it seemed to work.

Bats flutter in my belfry when I'm dreamin' in my bed
I'm guessin' they got in there through these holes here in my head.
I'd like to shed this feelin' that some day I'll wake up dead.
I've tried a frontal lobotomy and every remedy bottle in front of me.
But nothin' that I've tried has helped this dread.
Sooo! I just cry myself to sleep each night instead.

Green and crusty boogers they reside inside my nose.
Those slimy sinus stalactites clog my nasal breathin' holes.
And there's fungus here among us growin' twixt ten smelly toes.
And the stink'll make you think it must be time to change your hose.
OOOH! The stench'll curl your nose hairs heaven knows.

A big belly full of bicarb bathes a blisterin' boil,
That bubbles when my troubles begin to foil and uncoil.
This royal pain in th' gut is due to one unloyal goil.
So I sit and slowly slurp another sip of castor oil.
OOOH! And I play solitaire in solitude with Hoyle.

I collect belly button lint but it doesn't smell so nice.
So I use a mint deodorant and wash it twice or thrice.
And just in case you're thinkin' that this vice ain't very nice.
My freezer's full of fresh and minty little linty balls of ice.
OOOH! I keep 'em free from lice as linty balls of ice.

Earwax slowly trickles down my eerie ear canals.
And toe jam jams the crevices of all my toenail pals.
An avalanche of dandruff boulders showers down upon my shoulders,
And my doctor nods and jots another note inside my folder.
OOOH! And his nurse says I'll get worse as I get older.

Halitosis haunts my speech and my cornfusional orations.
As my teeth decay and rot away from cavity excavations.
Puss filled acne polka dots my face. Pimples are poppin' up everyplace.
I'm a disgrace as an example of the human race.
OOOH! It looks like I may be a hopeless case.

Unspeakable odors waft up from down below.
They breezily squeeze with ease between my knees as they flow.
Whiff my pungent armpit aroma, and you will end up in a coma.
You'll be longin' for the pleasant scent of ol' Tacoma.
OOOH! You'd rather have a squirtin' skunk inside your home. AHHH!

Two bloodshot orbs gaze back at me when in the mirror I stare.
A wrinkled road map decorates the face that's gawkin' there.
And my receding hairline's left my head completely bare.
I don't know why I bother livin' when this life is so unfair.
OOOH! Now applaud and pretend you even care.