Hello, I'm a tedious old giffer who likes to spout off on the Internet.

I'd like to complain in the strongest possible terms that a major folk festival seems to have been programmed without my personal preferences being taken into consideration.

I have heard that this year, the way the concession stands have been 'organised' leaves much to be desired. Much of the clothing is made in sizes larger or smaller than mine, and there were many shoe sizes available other than a size 9, which is the size I have worn at festivals for 37 years!

As I was one of the people who invented folk music 37 years ago with Ewan McColl in the Princess Louise, I know better than everyone else what should go on at these so-called festivals. It should be entirely stuff I like, and nothing else.

I understand some of the acts have been booked might appeal to people under 40, who I can't abide, ('yoof', I wittily call them), and some of the acts themselves also contain people under the age of 40. Can't we have separate children's events for these annoying squirts?

And although the event in question isn't until the summer, I'd already like to complain that it's too loud. I like to get in early with these things.

Music, especially dance music, should be as quiet as possible so that more people can listen to me telling them how bad it all is, how much better it was in the old days, and why I should be in charge of everything.

Sound engineers are all incompetent morons. I know this because I once found a PA in a skip, so I know what I'm talking about..

Most annoying of all is that there's always several events on at once, so it's difficult for me to decide which one I'll dislike the most, so I can go to that.