The One Company has developed a condom specifically for use with butt stuff. They held a contest to design the best condom wrapper. Several entrants incorporated eggplant emoji…

Sometimes an Eggplant
Words: F the Ineffable
Tune: Bold Doherty, What Can A Young Lassie, or any good tune

Sometimes an eggplant is only an eggplant,
Perfectly normal and not at all queer.
Purple and shiny and moist and delicious
Like the fat aubergine I’m holding here.
                Singing Aubergine-ay
                Aubergine-arity
                Aubergine-arity, Aubergine-ay!

I wear my aubergines over my undergines
I tuck my undergines into my socks
Under my turtleneck I carry turtles, all
Cleverly fastened with bagels and locks.
        Singing Aubergine-ay. etc

        Why can't a rifle be only a rifle?
        Can't a Red Special be just a guitar?
        Why can’t a joke be an innocent trifle?
        Like a cigar can be just a cigar.
                Singing Aubergine-ay. etc

Can’t an emoji just be an emoji?
Why can’t an inkblot be only a blot?
Why can’t a word be a single entendre?
Why should I care if it’s single or not?
                Singing Aubergine-ay. etc

        Sometimes a symbol is only a symbol
        If we have two we can make a big noise.
        Let’s buy some eggplant and cook a moussaka,
        Cheesy Greek meatloaf for fat-bottomed boys        
                Who sing Aubergine-ay
                Aubergine-arity
                Aubergine-arity, Aubergine-ay!

Next time you look at a peach or papaya
Don’t think of genitals, butthole or tush.
When you imagine a big purple eggplant
Pray to your guru, old Baba Ghanoush.
                Singing Aubergine-ay
                Aubergine-arity
                Aubergine-arity, Aubergine-ay!