This was mentioned by Fossil_at_home on 27 Jun 02. I found the lyrics online and then checked them against the recording on Spotify. (I had to rearrange the line breaks so that the rhymes would come at the end of each line; why don’t people bother with this?) Words in parentheses are spoken ad lib by Wainwright.


THE DOCTOR
As recorded by Loudon Wainwright III on “History,” 1991.

I went to the doctor and the doctor said: "Son,
You look older than me, and I'm seventy-one.
You're falling apart and not living right.”
I went to the doctor and the doctor said: "Loud,
You've got to stop hanging out with that olden crowd.
Living's a battle and you're losing the fight.”

I went to the doctor and the doctor said: "Boy,
Your body is a temple; it's not a toy.
Fill up this here paper cup and give it to the nurse. (Don't spill it, now.)
I went to the doctor and the doctor said: "Friend,
This should be the middle but it could be the end.
You better get better or else you're gonna get worse.”

Oh, I went to the doctor.
Oh, I went to the doctor.

I went to the doctor and the doctor said: "Sir,
We got back the x-ray; everything's a blur.
It's all positive; that's what every single test shows.”
I went to the doctor and the doctor said: "Kid,
It was something that you ate or drank or something that you did,
And it's all in your head and it's spreadin’ on down to your toes.”

(Let's spread it around a little bit now.)

[Instrumental break with harmonica taking the melody]

Oh, I went to the doctor. (Everybody does.)
Oh, I went to the doctor.

I went to the doctor and the doctor said: "Please,
Get on down to the drug store and pick up some of these.
After that, get on home and get into your bed.”
I went to the doctor and the doctor said: "Shucks!
That's just about all; you owe me three hundred bucks,
And you can call me in the morning, that is, if you're not dead.”

[Pause. It sounds as if the song has ended, but then...]

(2, 3, 4... )
Oh, I went to the doctor. (I was checkin’ up on you.)
Oh, I went to the doctor.