SANDY BELL'S MAN The month it was June, the lilac smelt sweet I was walking one morning through town I met a young girl over Morningside way And she cried as she hung her head down I see by your scarf of the yellow and gold An Edinburgh medic are you Come sit beside me and hear my sad tale It concerns a young medic I knew My father's name was Harry My mother' name was Anne Come sit beside me and hear my sad tale I've been wronged by a Sandy Bell's man When I was sixteen I was spotless and clean I had never tasted a drop I met a young medic his name it was Derick He took me into the grog shop And there on the nips of the whisky and gin I verily drank my fill My father he shot himself over my shame And my mother he likewise did kill One evening in haste to my lover I raced And these glad words I did say My dearest next April or sometime next spring An arrival is coming our way The whites of his eyes opened wide with surprise As the eyes of a young father will And when I called round to his digs the next day He had caught the first plane to Brazil So come all you virgins of Edinburgh city Altho' you be ever so few Come sit beside me and hear my sad tale It concerns a young medic I knew Beware, be careful, before it's too late Fatal is not yet the hour And next time a medical glances your way Be content with a hot and cold shower PUNTERS The starter fired his gun to commence the rollicking fun There was pushing and poking and pulling and punting Great big guys groaning and grunting You've never seen anything quite so banal As the punters punting on the Union canal There were two participant punts Performing and pulling off stunts But the guys in the boaties were little Don Quixotes Standing in a punt, trying to confront The others with a dunt, or a sneaky wee shunt The first punt started so well, shot along like a bat out of hell But the guy at the back felt his grip go slack And the poor old soul slipped down his pole Landed in the drink and did an eskimo roll The second punt bumped to the front And the crew gave a jubilant grunt But the captain to be blunt was a cretinous runt And his boat mis-steered, it was weird how it veered And everybody cheered when the bugger disappeared And the silence of the setting was drowned By the sound for miles around And an unimpressed swan gave a cynical yawn And the drakes and the ducks all agreed that punting sucks And the rats and the voles ran back into their holes for some parecetamols Enjoy, Jack
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