Mick, you're brilliant!!

I'll Tell You Where To Put It If You Like
[The Teapot Song]
Alex Comfort (words) & Eric Winter (music), 1961

We were sitting by the telly on our own the other night,
When we heard somebody banging in the hall.
A silly little man wot had brought in off his van
A boiler twice as large as he was tall.
I said: It's for the neighbour, chum - it isn't mine, it's his.
-Well I've rung his bell and he ain't in, so what'll I do with this?

CHORUS
Oh, Da-de-da, de-da, de-da, de-da!
You can stuff it in the bin behind the door (we said)
You can leave it where the lodger puts his bike.
If you really want to know where we think it ought to go,
Well, we'll tell you where to put it if you like.

I was sitting in my armchair in my old man's residence
When a whacking pair of feet they shook the floor,
We saw a copper's helmet going right along the fence,
And presently he banged upon the door.
He says to me, "Is your name Jones? The landlord's had me sent.
I've a summons here to chuck you out so's he can raise the rent.
CHORUS

We've got an Auntie Margaret and she likes to have a bash
And she went to spend a day beside the sea,
She saw a fair and in she went and spent a lot of cash,
Determined she would bring home something free.
"Oh, I've won a prize, now isn't that nice?" We all cried out, "Oh Lord!
It's a dirty great rhinoceros head a-mounted on a board!"
CHORUS

Now our M.P. has just damped off from too much strontium,
And a tailor's dummy's come to ask for votes.
He says we must prepare to blow ourselves to kingdom come
In case the Russians try to cut our throats,
"Now if you'll vote for me," he says, "I'll see that you're all right.
I'll get the Yanks to come down here and build a rocket site."
CHORUS

Source: New English Broadsides, Oak Publications, 1967 [compiled by Nathan Joseph and Eric Winter] page 91

Yes, that's the Joy of Sex Alex Comfort. His Wikipedia biography is brief, but it tells his story pretty well:

Alexander Comfort (February 10, 1920 - March 26, 2000) was educated at Highgate School and was a medical professional, gerontologist, anarchist, pacifist and writer, best known for The Joy of Sex, which played a part in what is often called the sexual revolution. He was also the author of many other books on a variety of topics.

Comfort wrote the words to the original version of One Man's Hands, and I think he was responsible fo a couple of other songs that were fairly well-known by 60's folkies.
Alex Comfort obituary here (click)

-Joe-


Tune available upon request - but not tonight...

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Click to play

(tune posted 26 Dec 2008)