This was written around 1970; in those days we had pre-feminism, pre-decimal coinage, and different TV schedules. It celebrates the fact that in England and Wales there are literally hundreds and hundreds of jobs that have a statutory right of entry to your home (in Scotland they have a different, but entirely similar, system). Hamish recorded this as The Night Squad, but when it got on to the record, someone couldn't read someone else's writing, and it came out as The Night Sound!

THE KNOCK-ON-THE-DOOR-IN-THE-NIGHT SQUAD
Words: Barrie Roberts. Tune: based on "The End Of My Old Cigar" (Harry Champion)

Upon a Friday evening when my weekly work is done
I like to spend the evening in and have some quiet fun.
I spend the evening quietly, simply living the homely life,
With a pint of beer, a packet of fags, the telly and my wife.
One night we switched on The Avengers and got cosy on the floor,
When all of a sudden a rat-a-tat-tat sounded at my door.
And when I went to open it up, a man stood on the mat
Who said, "We're the Knock-on-the-door-in-the-night Squad, come to see just what you're at!"

Chorus:
We're the Knock-on-the-door-in-the-night Squad,
Rat-tat, rat-tat, rat-tat,
We're the Knock-on-the-door-in-the-night Squad,
Come to see just what you're at!

Behind him stood an army that overflowed the hall,
In uniforms, in civvies, in suits and overalls.
With briefcases, with torches, with truncheons and notebooks,
They stood there wearing my doormat down and giving me dirty looks.
There were policemen, there were bailiffs, and the gas and electric too,
The Department of Health, the Post Office, and the Inland Revenue,
And the Customs, and the Council, and a thousand more beside,
And they chanted all in unison, "Do you mind if we step inside?"

I stepped aside and let them pass with a sense of gathering gloom
As they swarmed across my doorstep and filled my sitting room.
My wife was going frantic quite with worry and with rage,
When a Vice Squad officer bawled at her, "Oi, miss! Are you under age?
Have you been up to anything wrong? Is this a disorderly house?
Are you a juvenile delinquent, or his lawful wedded spouse?"
So I showed her birth certificate, and our marriage lines also,
And he grudgingly said, "Oh, all right - this time we'll let you go!"

The Drug Squad bloke was snuffling round for heroin and hash,
Scraping out the ashtrays and collecting all the ash.
And when he found my herbal fags, he waved them all around,
Crying, "A packet of certain substances - Cannabis, I'll be bound!"
Then his oppo grabbed the Radio Times, and his eyes began to swell,
As he cried with glee, "Pornography! With pictures in, as well!
Have you got any filthy postcards, Swedish films or dirty books?
If you've got some really good ones, we might let you off the hook!"

Just then a tax inspector came a-sidling up to me;
"About your schedule Q return for 1953,"
But the Social Security man shouted, "Hands off! This one's mine!
Where's the stamp you failed to pay in 1959?"
Then the water Board chimed in as well - my wife near died with shock -
"You haven't paid your water rates, and I've come to stop your cock!"
But he gas and electricity men, with duty all a-thirst,
Hollered, "Wait yer bleedin' turn, mate - we've gotta cut it off first!"

The chaos mounted rapidly, I heard a voice which cried,
"Excuse me, sir, is that your vehicle standing there outside?"
Meanwhile, my faithful watchdog, ignoring all the roar,
Was lying catching forty winks, kipped upon the floor,
Where a council bloke espied him: his beady eyes lit up,
And he said, "I'll have to ask you, sir, if you've a licence for that pup?"
The room spun round about me, it was the final straw -
With a scream of terror and despair, I fainted on the floor!

When I awoke a few minutes later, I still could hear a scream;
My wife was shouting, "Wake up, love! You've had a nasty dream!"
I told her of my nightmare, I was shaking still with fear,
But she only said, "Cheer up, love! It could never happen here!
So we switched the television off and made our way to bed,
When all of a sudden a rat-a-tat-tat filled my heart with dread.
And when I went to open the door, a man stood on the mat
Who said, "We're the Knock-on-the-door-in-the-night Squad, come to see just what you're at!"

MIDI file: nightsqd.mid
Timebase: 192
Name: The Knock on the Door in the Night Squad
Text: By Barrie Roberts
Copyright: This version Copyright c 1999 by Barrie Roberts
TimeSig: 6/8 24 8
Key: G
Start
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End
This program is worth the effort of learning it.

To download the March 10 MIDItext 98 software and get instructions on how to use it click here
ABC format:
X:1
T:The Knock on the Door in the Night Squad
M:6/8
Q:1/4=120
K:G
A6|B2GG2G|G2GF2G|A2AF2F|A5G|F2FF2F|F2FF2F|
E2DD2D|D5A|B2GG2G|G2GF2G|AAAF2F|A4AG|F2FF2F|
FFFF2E|D2DE2F|G2GGA2|B2GG2G|G2GF2G|A2AF2F|
A5G|F2FF2F|F2FF2F|E2DD2D|D5A|B2GG2G|G2GF2G|
AAAF2F|A4AG|F2FF2F|FFFF2E|D2DE2F|G2GGA13/8||

Steve

Wolfgang

So near yet so far away...remember it's the one about the whisky that I want.

But I definitely owe you..

I'm going to a 'Folk club' to night..so I'll ask if any body knows any Bob Dylan.

Ritchie

Wolfgang

Richard Stilgoe...
once performed a song similar in theme to the above called Statutory Right of Entry to your Home", outlining those persons who have the said right.
Sadly I rather liked this offering and would appreciate the lyrics if anybody has them.

More in hope than expectation,

AndyG