BS: Origins: The Spatula

Subject: RE: BS: Origins: The Spatula
From: Dave'sWife
Date: 25 Jan 06 - 04:59 AM

Apropos of nothing...

I hate it when rachel Ray (Food Network personality)isnists on calling her Spatula a "spoon-yoo-lah". I just want to smacker her upside the head with a spatula every time she says that.

That and she thinks she's so freakin' clever for cllaing "mashed potaoes" SMASHED Potatoes. Funny, but they look the same to me, Rachel.

I don't dislike her, just her annoying little tics like that.

Subject: RE: BS: Origins: The Spatula
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Jan 06 - 11:15 PM

Oh. Now I remember. The spatula was a weapon used in gladiatorial combats in Ancient Rome. Like "In this corner, armed with a chainsaw and net, the current champion, Pontiac Maximus! And in this corner, with a spatula in each hand, the challenger, fresh from Germania...Vica...Vocat...oh, Hades, he's gonna lose anyway, so have at it!"

Subject: RE: BS: Origins: The Spatula
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 24 Jan 06 - 06:53 PM

Your Google must be broken, Rapaire. It doesn't say "spatula" anywhere on that page of torture devices.

After using those things, your spatula might look like this.

Subject: RE: BS: Origins: The Spatula
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Jan 06 - 06:43 PM

Spatulas like these, maybe?

Subject: RE: BS: Origins: The Spatula
From: TheBigPinkLad
Date: 24 Jan 06 - 06:08 PM

I was a spatula until I married at 28. I miss it sometimes.

Subject: RE: BS: Origins: The Spatula
From: Rasener
Date: 24 Jan 06 - 04:32 PM

Oakley uses a spatula

Subject: BS: Origins: The Spatula
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 24 Jan 06 - 03:39 PM

In really, really ancient times, like a zillion years BC, Spah-Tu-Lah was the Goddess of Fried Cheese Curds among the people of the long-defunct civilization inhabiting the Cholesterol Valley in the land that would one day come to be known as Dontunduhstan. Spah-Tu-Lah and her consort Hahm-Ahn-Eggz ruled over a rowdy and both mentally and nutritionally unbalanced pantheon of Cholesterolian deities. Other Gods and Goddesses of note were Bay-Khan the Goddess of Porkbellies, Rah-Nahl the God of McDonalds, Lah-Ahrd the Goddess of Rendered Animal Fat, and Pah-Yuke the Hermaphrodite God/Goddess of Funnelcakes and Corndogs. Spah-Tu-Lah and her merry band of immortals lived atop the mythical Mount Mah-Yo-Nayz where they spent most of their time eating, quarrelling, drinking, bitching, eating, having gratuitous sex with one another, eating, having gratuitous sex with passing animals, and eating.

Spah-Tu-Lah spent most of her time sitting on her throne at the head of the Divine Dinner Table, idly waving her scepter about. In a token gesture aimed at making the lowly human Cholesterolians who lived in the valley below think that their deities up on Mount Mah-Yo-Nayz actually gave a rat's ass about them, Spah-Tu-Lah had adopted as her scepter a lowly human device intended for scraping the last bit of marshmallow creme from a jar. Spah-Tu-Lah had the lowly device encrusted with not-so-precious jewels, cheap glitter, and the remnants of a painting of Elvis done on black velvet that had been shredded by a moose who didn't particularly like the use to which a lower-echelon deity was attempting to put his most rear-facing orifice. In addition to being idly waved about, Spah-Tu-Lah's scepter frequently found itself involved in the ongoing orgy that most of the Cholesterolian deities participated in whenever they weren't eating or complaining.

Now, the common lowly human Cholesterolians who had invented the device intended for scraping the last bit of marshmallow creme from a jar had never bothered with giving it a name. They either called it a "device intended for scraping the last bit of marshmallow creme from a jar", which took half a day, or a "_______", with the intention of filling in the blank later when someone came up with a short, catchy name for the thing.

And so it happened that during a particularly rowdy session of the ongoing orgy up on Mount Mah-Yo-Nayz, one of the deities (It may have been Hahm-Ahn-Eggz, but nobody's really certain. You know how confusing things can get at orgies.) was heard to scream, "Oh! Hit me with your _______, Spah-Tu-Lah!" A passing baker-of-goodies overheard the exchange and concluded that the deities had chosen to name the device intended for scraping the last bit of marshmallow creme from a jar a "Spah-Tu-Lah".

This was extremely good news for the baker-of-goodies since he and his assistants used devices intended for scraping the last bit of marshmallow creme from jars regularly and having a short, catchy name by which to call them would increase his crew's productivity by something on the order of 300%. So, everyone in the baker-of-goodies' shop began calling the previously unnamed devices "Spah-Tu-Lahs" and it wasn't long before the entire population of the Valley was doing likewise.

Eventually, the Cholesterolian civilization came to an end when an incurable strain of the Granola virus infected the entire Valley's supply of funnelcake dough. The only existing remnant of that once proud culture is the Spah-Tu-Lah, which, due to a spelling error by a scribe in a monastery somewhere in France during the Middle Ages, has come to be known as a "spatula". Otherwise, all traces of the people and their deities who once inhabited the Cholesterol Valley have completely disappeared from the pages of History.