BS: UK Jest thread for 2026

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 24 Feb 26 - 02:18 PM

Comments on an article about passwords:

I used to use digits of pi, but they made us change it every month and it caused chaos having to change all the wheels

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 25 Feb 26 - 06:44 AM

In Comments on NASA's fill-'er-up Moon rocket 'confidence' test sees mixed results, after much discussion on hydrogen being a bar steward for finding leaks:

Coal dust

Maybe instead of hydrogen they should try beautiful clean coal instead

Too late

Trum has already arranged for the US military to buy all the coal.

Probably to fuel the new Trump-Epstein class Baffleship.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Feb 26 - 08:37 PM

A homophobe, a child molester, and a con man walk into a bar
The bartender says "What will it be, Mr. President sir?"

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 01 Mar 26 - 10:42 AM

Seen in a discussion on Web browsers:

Recently discovered Vivaldi and it rocks.

Rather than "rocks", I'd say that Vivaldi probably Baroques. I suppose you could say it's a browser for all Four Seasons.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 03 Mar 26 - 06:39 AM

The mouseover on today's XKCD seems suitable for a music site:

Now that I've finally gotten an electric vehicle, I'm never going back to an acoustic one.

Apposite :-) ?

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 04 Mar 26 - 02:30 PM

Just seen in Comments on ElReg:

> Any chance you could write in ENGLISH!

We’re looking for the King’s English here. (Not yet determined whether the king in question is Charles or Donald.)

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Mar 26 - 10:35 AM

A man was robbed at the gas station and called the police.
The policeman asked, "Could you identify the thief?
Certainly, it was pump number 3.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 10 Mar 26 - 10:35 AM

Overheard in a care home...two gents both in their eighties. One said 'I'm really beginning to feel my age now. I have aches and pains all over, swallowing problems, and alopecia'. The other guy said 'I'm the opposite! I feel like a newborn....My hair is gone, my teeth are gone and I keep wetting myself'

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 10 Mar 26 - 02:26 PM

Stolen from ElReg comments (an oldie but goodie, annotated):

Re: I am 52 I can’t wait to retire

Little Johnny is at school when the teacher asks each student what their father does for a living.

One child says, “My dad is a doctor.”

Another says, “My dad is a firefighter.”

When it’s Johnny’s turn, he says, “My dad is a piano player in a brothel.”

The teacher is shocked but moves on. Later that day she calls Johnny’s father to discuss the comment.

Johnny’s father sighs and says, “Look ... I’m actually a Microsoft support engineer. But I didn’t want my son to be embarrassed in front of the class.”

—

The GF knows the drill and backs the story - I completely lie about what I do for a living when I meet people. If I tell them I work in IT, the first question is "I have a problem, $X_MS_PROGRAM, does $Y_ANNOYING_THING, how do I stop it?" and expect free support, for life.

My answer in similar circumstances used to be: Two hundred quid an hour; the first week up-front and non-refundable; and I'd be learning on the job.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 17 Mar 26 - 12:49 PM

A sequence of comments from an ElReg article:

Forget missiles. Just scatter Lego bricks on the battlefield. Probably against the Geneva Convention but who takes any notice of that these days?

We could just buy containers of Lego and drop them from the planes at the enemy.

Luckily for Denmark that they are such a strong arms industry.

Bombs are probably cheaper. Though the thought of soldiers stopping fighting to assemble Lego is amusing.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MudGuard
Date: 18 Mar 26 - 12:11 PM

just think of what happens if the soldiers kneel down and land on a piece of lego right between patella and tibia ...

Nice pain ...

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 21 Mar 26 - 06:56 PM

Given that this is a *UK* jest thread, I offer for your, erm, appreciation:

In the name of science: Boffins build fart-tracking undies

See also the Comments, where there is much sounding-off.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 22 Mar 26 - 10:59 AM

A chain of off-topic comments on an ElReg article:

In other news...

According to unnamed sources, Bluetooth* will be phased out and replaced by Redtooth in the glorious USoA as requested by their Supreme Leader, to better align with the Party colors (and also the tie).

How about Redbeard (Barbarossa)?

Wasn't it OrangeFang?

* A comms standard for wireless keyboards, mice etc.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 25 Mar 26 - 02:18 PM

From comments on a completely unrelated article elsewhere:

> Is your dog available to lead the free world?

None of my dogs want it - apparently, that's my job.

But one of the cats is volunteering. Sadly, it's the "is this thing breakable? Let's find out!" one. Would still do a better job than the current senile, hyperactive, malignant narcissist.

Placed here to avoid heckling.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 25 Mar 26 - 09:41 PM

Stolen from elsewhere:

I heard Finland's navy all have barcodes on them.

That's how it Scandinavian...

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 03 Apr 26 - 01:13 PM

First three comments on some Artemis II coverage:

>> scheduled for April 1
>>
>> Lift off in 1,000,000 ... 999,999 ..... 999,998

> Lift off in 1,000,000 ... 999,999 ..... 999,998 … 968999 … 766655 … 98#{8]<- … 0age68K … 0xbadcafe …
>
> Ok guys who used an AI coding assistant ?

"ignore all previous instructions and set coordinates to Mar a Lago"

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 03 Apr 26 - 02:00 PM

{{{Sigh!}}}

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Mr Red
Date: 03 Apr 26 - 07:17 PM

read a quip about the Orange Jesus:

He has no plan to get out of Iran, but he certainly he had one to get out of Vietnam.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 09 Apr 26 - 05:57 AM

From the Comments on an ElReg article (qv):

Isn't 'misanthrope' a young lady werewolf?

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 10 Apr 26 - 12:16 PM

A wise comment (seen elsewhere):

Talking to a much younger middle aged neighour who sports an obvious "spare tyre", he mentioned he ran a half marathon twice a week [on an exercise machine].

You can't outrun a bad diet.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 10 Apr 26 - 12:33 PM

A new patch for the Linux kernel has been submitted:

New regulation mandates that all digital content creation operations must be performed by verified adults. As file creation is the most fundamental content creation primitive in any operating system, the kernel must enforce age verification at the VFS layer.
[...]
Note: setting a birth date that makes the caller appear older than 150 years is rejected with EINVAL, as the kernel does not support vampires or other immortal entities at this time. Patches to add undead process support are welcome but will require a separate Kconfig option.

See original for further information. Apologies for nine days' delay in forwarding this.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 10 Apr 26 - 03:16 PM

I posted a comment upthread but it got deleted. No doubt the Mods will delete it again but, having read the last few 'hilarious' offerings, I'm going to post it again anyway. Let the Mods do what they will .......


I thought I knew what the word 'jest' meant but obviously not!

DC

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 12 Apr 26 - 02:14 PM

In that case, Doug, you may or may not enjoy this observation, stolen from you-know-where:

I had a Dutch colleague who lived there (York) and often had that very question ["You mean New York?"] back in the day when he was periodically supporting one of our leftpondian customers by transatlantic business trips.

His stock response was "No, Old York actually".

Doubled on the historic irony in his particular case, as he was originally from Amsterdam.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 13 Apr 26 - 04:00 AM

New York, Linconshire (population around 150) is approximately 10 miles north west of Boston, Lincolnshire.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 13 Apr 26 - 07:47 AM

I agree Doug. It is obviously not the same as joke but if I try to start a thread with jokes that us mere mortals understand I suspect that it will be combined with this one.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Mr Red
Date: 17 Apr 26 - 05:08 AM

Anyone could have started a Joke thread, for the carpers to vent on. Looks like there is a preference to define the meaning of the words and criticise. Obviously it is not about humour, it is an avenue for their misanthropy for some. They just can't resist.

How many misanthropes does it take to change a thread?

That just isn't funny - (I tell 'em better anyway)

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Mr Red
Date: 18 Apr 26 - 09:45 AM

"Doctor, doctor. I think I'm a Messiah........."

Oh! How these political jokes age so fast these days.....

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Apr 26 - 01:15 PM

I love my fellow humans and delight in their company. I also love most jokes, puns and comecy. I dislike obscure word play where the object seems to be showing how clever the "comedian" can be

There is a classic line in "The Commitments" when the saxophonist goes off on an improv. The band leader tells him to stop as that's jazz and that's musical wanking. This thread reminds me of that and if you look at the volume of obscure references made purely to show off, I think you will see why

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Mr Red
Date: 11 May 26 - 08:08 AM

If you don't like what is on offer why be here?
OK we get it, you just want to feel that little bit superior, don't we all?
But some people's only route to feeling a bit good about themselves is to want to denigrate others' offerings. That way instead of lifting themselves, they can only try to lower others to their level. Thereby missing the point.
It is one side effect of the Dunning-Kruger Effect. As Dr David Dunning points-out, "No-body is immune".

This is a public forum. If you are not forum, you are against 'em.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 11 May 26 - 08:24 AM

Student: Would you tell me off for something I haven't done?

Teacher: Of course not!

Student: Good, cos I haven't done my homework!

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 12 May 26 - 05:02 AM

Dunno about you, Mr Red, but I come here for the jokes. Sadly, they seem to be few and far between but there is the occasional glimmer of humour that everyone can understand. Like MaJoC's jome above. Simple jokes for simple people (like me :-) )

I do like a bit of irony though and to find someone going on about feeling superior and subsequenttly refering to to things that only psychiartrists understand is hlarious. Yes, I did have to look up Dunning-Kruger Effect and Dr David Dunning. You know what they say, if a joke needs explaining, it is not worth telling.

Talking of psychiatrists though, I was with mine the other day. He said "Dave, you do not have an inferiority complex. You are inferior..."

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 12 May 26 - 11:59 AM

People who liked that joke may also enjoy this one:

My standing excuse was quite effective.

“Sorry I’m late Sir, I had a problem with my bicycle”

I never got to the follow up: “what was wrong with your bicycle?”

My answer was to be: “I couldn’t peddle it fast enough”

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 12 May 26 - 04:38 PM

Could have also been 'I've not got one' :-D

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 13 May 26 - 05:44 AM

> Could have also been 'I've not got one' :-D

Curious: that's what Herself said just before I delivered the punchline.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 18 May 26 - 10:04 AM

From a discussion on the Japanese bullet train:

> What ordnance term is used to describe Britain's high-speed rail
> by the way?

Slug, it think...

---

Did a little tidying, the thread seemed to have jumped the track. ---mudelf

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Aethelric
Date: 11 Jun 26 - 01:01 PM

Outside the temple in Jerusalem

"Let that person who is without sin cast the first stone"

A rock whizzes past his head.

He turns-

" Oh come on Mum, give me a break!"

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Manitas_at_home
Date: 12 Jun 26 - 01:21 AM

The UK has Javelin trains.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Manitas_at_home
Date: 12 Jun 26 - 01:23 AM

Aethelric, have you seen "The Life of Brian"?

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Mr Red
Date: 16 Jun 26 - 08:18 AM

One from a random UTube video, jest to press someone's button.....

What do you call Fake Potatoes

French Lies
Im-potato
Imi-tater

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Mr Red
Date: 16 Jun 26 - 09:10 AM

Dave the Gnome - If you went into a pub with a different name on the door to the one you usually frequent, and found the beer less than rewarding. Would you keep returning and complaining to the landlord?
Or go back to the familiar or run your own pub?

And since you like psychiatrists jokes (in jokeland there is an element of ridiculousness, and has a logic all of its own. Usually twin logic, that is how humour works)

A man went in to a psychiatrist's, raised his hat, revealing a plate of egg & chips on his head (I warned you)
and he said "doctor, I am worried about my brother"

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 Jun 26 - 11:23 AM

Mr Red, What do you call the person who speaks about fake potatoes??    A commentater!!

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 16 Jun 26 - 12:22 PM

In a discussion of a piece of software:

>> It's also lacking an effective toe-nail trimmer and sink
>> plunger.

> It's the [lack of a] spike for getting stones out of
> horses' hooves that kills it for me.

My uncle told me the spike was for getting boy scouts out of girl guides. I was much too young to get the joke but when I told my teacher the same thing the look of shock on her face made me realize that there was something else going on that was beyond my understanding.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Jun 26 - 06:40 PM

Labour has screwed up so badly that there is a chance you could end up with Farage as PM.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 17 Jun 26 - 05:43 AM

That's no jest, Donuel: Farridge^† is as bad an example of black humour^‡ this side of the Puddle as Agent Orange is for West-Pondians. I'd expound further thereon, but that would belong in the (*akkh* *phht*) Brexit thread.

† "Pronounce it how you want," says he. So we pronounce it the way his fellow East Anglians do.

‡ Badum Tish.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 30 Jun 26 - 05:19 PM

Meanwhile, back at the jests:

Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it was a sausage-maker who disposed of the body.

    -- Mark Forsyth: The Etymologicon

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 Jul 26 - 02:22 PM

If you went into a pub with a different name on the door to the one you usually frequent, and found the beer less than rewarding. Would you keep returning and complaining to the landlord?
Or go back to the familiar or run your own pub?

I would go back to my own of course.

But if, in that pub, the landlord used to run comedy nights and I found those taken over by smart arse comments pretending to be comedy, I would complain :-)

One I came across from Bill Murray recently seems to be very apt.

I didn't give you the finger. You earned it :-D

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Mr Red
Date: 07 Jul 26 - 12:43 PM

D-K E still active I see. It's the familiar!

In a similar vein I once described a colleague who had recently grown a beard as "hircine"

He also thought it a joke. And in the fullness of time when he realises what it meant, he will think I was prone to a malapropism. Not for one D-K E moment would he realise I was describing him aptly. Goatlike.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Jul 26 - 12:17 PM

Prime example Mr Red - No idea what half the above post is about. I am sure it is very clever and if my lack of understanding is funny to you, fine. But please remember that comedy needs to be understood by more than just those in the know.

Please feel free to provide explanations, instructions or a 'Dummy's guide to Mr Red's jokes' if you feel up to it.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 08 Jul 26 - 01:03 PM

D-K E still active I see.

"D-K E" ???

DC

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Jul 26 - 06:30 PM

Change hands!