BS: How heavy are farts ?

Subject: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: GUEST,Bloater
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 08:18 AM

Ok, say you are suffering cronic trapped wind;
feeling extremely bloated and uncomfortable.

If you weigh yourself, then manage to release all that troubling wind.

Would you immediately afterwards weigh on the scales again as

less ?

more ?

or exactly the same ?


I suspect there may be some serious science lurking under the surface here..

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: greg stephens
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 08:31 AM

This is a very interesting question. As a fart would appear to be lighter than air, you might easily suppose that you would get heavier after farting. But say the fart was actually not a gas when inside you, but was actually dissolved in your body fluids. In which case, you would get lighter as it came out of solution
and was expelled, wouldn't you? OI think we need a pair of very large and very accurate scales.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: GUEST,SPARTICUS
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 08:36 AM

THE ANSWER MY FRIEND............!

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 08:57 AM

Should work for anything expelled from the body.

But -- flatulence isn't gases dissolved in the blood, it's pockets of gas trapped in the gut, sort of an X-0-X-0 type of deal. The gas can come from many sources, including mouth breathing and carbonated drinks (that includes beer). It is usually a combination of gases, including CO2 and that's heavier than air (picture the "smoke" coming off of dry ice).

It's not a simple problem. However, if you breathe enough helium, will you float away, squeaking for help?

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: George Papavgeris
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 09:01 AM

It depends on the degree of moisture. Wet farts can weigh substantially.

I'll get me coat...

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 09:10 AM

While we're at it, how heavy are belches, sneezes, and hickups?

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: redsnapper
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 09:12 AM

Some old farts can be quite heavy.

RS

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: greg stephens
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 09:14 AM

Oh, I thought farts were methane, which is lighter than air. If they are primarily CO2 that's a different thing altogether. Can anyone give a definitive formula for the composition of a standard fart?

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: bobad
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 09:23 AM

Composition of flatus gases

Nitrogen is the primary gas released. Methane and hydrogen, lesser components, are flammable, and so flatus is susceptible to catching fire. Not all humans produce flatus that contains methane. For example, in one study of the feces of nine adults, only five of the samples contained bacteria capable of producing methane.[3] Similar results are found in samples of gas obtained from within the rectum.

The gas released during a flatus event frequently has a foul odor which mainly results from low molecular weight fatty acids such as butyric acid (rancid butter smell) and reduced sulfur compounds such as hydrogen sulfide (rotten egg smell) and carbonyl sulfide that are the result of protein breakdown. The incidence of odoriferous compounds in flatus increases from herbivores, such as cattle, through omnivores to carnivorous species, such as cats or dogs. Flatulence odor can also be caused by the presence of large numbers of microflora bacteria and/or the presence of feces in the rectum.

From Wikipedia

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: greg stephens
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 09:26 AM

WEll if they are mainly nitrogen, with a spot of methane and hydrogen, and traces of heavier stuff, they should be lighter than air overall. Which argues that we get heavier when we rip one off.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: wysiwyg
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 10:01 AM

The flatus event has one weight before and one after-- what is light and airy to us before the event is oppressively heavy to the recipients, after.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Mrrzy
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 10:09 AM

If methane is lighter than air, what killed all those people in the methane pit? I thought it was that methane was HEAVIER than air, which is why it was filling the pit.

Yet the chemistry I remember does say that CH4 should be plenty light... lessee, H=1, C=12, so 1 molecule of CH4 = 12+4=16. On the other hand, 02 = 2*8 = 16 also, so now where are we? And NH3 would be 7+3=10 which is lighter than either CH4 or O2...

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: redsnapper
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 10:25 AM

You would have less mass:

Mass before = mass of body plus mass of fart
Mass after = mass of of body only

RS

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: redsnapper
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 10:26 AM

I cannot help noticing this is currently next to the "cabbage" thread.

RS

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: GUEST,Sooz (hard at work)
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 10:36 AM

You would need a very accurate balance to weigh yourself on (to at least O.001g) and hold your breath for the duration of the fart (so that air gained or lost did not upset the results.)
Of course to ensure precision and reliabilty you would need to perform the experiment several times.
Worth bothering?

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Bill D
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 10:44 AM

these guys could have answered the question if you had asked earlier.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 10:57 AM

minus the dust, they are about as heavy as an equivalent amount of atmospheric gas on Mars.

Most importantly the smell is is exactly the same.

Even should we ever succeed in greening Mars and brng O2 and pressure up to breathable levels, the smell of the HS2 will linger for millenia.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: greg stephens
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 11:35 AM

Redsnapper: though the fart has mass(or in this case we are talking about weight), the argument is that it is lighter than air, ie it buoys you up a bit. Therefore, when you release it, your body actually gets heavier. This of course assumes that the fart inside your body is at atmoshperic pressure. If it isn fact compressed, it may in fact be heavier than air of course, in which case the situation is reversed. And if any portion of it is actually dissolved in anything else sloshing about in there, it will be heavier still.
This is not a simple questionb, and needs saome serious research.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 11:37 AM

Not surprising people have trouble with trapped wind..I mean it stands to reason...if it is lighter than air....it wants to rise as a matter of course. However, gravity is pulling digested food downwards against the flow of the air. Belching makes sense but farting doesn't really. This thread, I have to say, is like a breath of fresh air.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 11:43 AM

Prime candidate for the Ignobel Prize, if anyone can get round to doing the research and write it up.

Though it occurs to me that it's probably actually been done quite seriously, at least in the case of cows, on account of concerns about global warming:

Move to cut methane emissions by changing cows' diet

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 11:45 AM

Fresh air?? You haven't been near Manitas when he's been drinking Guinness...

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: redsnapper
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 12:14 PM

Dear Greg,

My observation stands, and is valid from a scientific view, as you are applying anthropic bias and an earthbound testing scenario to the argument rather than regarding it in the absolute!

If one was full of farts, so to speak, of course it would decrease ones relative density relative to ones usual surroundings.

But I do agree the matter requires proper scientific investigation and further debate.

Best regards,

RS

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: George Papavgeris
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 12:16 PM

There are many unanswered questions on the subject for researchers to deal with:

When you let one rip, is the damage repairable?
Why is it that the noisy ones are often less smelly, but the silent ones are the real killers?
Is there a foolproof way of telling the dry from the wet ones in advance?
Why is a "rumbler" more satisfying in the presence of piles?
Did La Petomaine exist? Was she a real person? And was she "natural", or pump-assisted (as claimed by the eponymous film with Leonard Rossiter)?

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Micca
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 12:27 PM

Using standard Chemistry notation and Mrzzys Molecular and atomic weights
CH4 =16
CO2=44
Air has an average Molecular mass based on percentage composition of approximately 28
(BTW Mrzzy if you are farting Ammonia you are in a LOT of trouble!! it should be excreted solubilised in urine)
H2S =34
Butyric Acid is 88
Now if you expel approx 25 Centimetres cubed of gas consisting of mostly Air and Co2 the net Molecular Mass will be about 28<35 so if we take the mean as 33

Acording to Avogadros theory 33grams(i mole) of the fart gas occupies 22.4 litres of volume
Calculation gives the mass of 25 mls. of fart gas as 0.036830357142857142857142857142857gms approximately

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Mrrzy
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 12:37 PM

Oops - I meant not ammonia but nitrogen gas. N2?

My question about the deaths in the methane pit stands...

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 12:46 PM

"Is there a foolproof way of telling the dry from the wet ones in advance?"

The normal human sphincter, in a normal healthy adult body, is very good at the task of telling the difference between gas, liquid and solid...

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 01:06 PM

"My fellow Americans, I come to you tonight with a heavy fart."

Lyndon Johnson, 1967

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: gnu
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 01:19 PM

Doesn't seem to be any methane to the madness.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 01:26 PM

Lyndon Johnson was pretty well the personification OF a heavy fart, I think.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 01:40 PM

Le Petomane was a real person all right. I've never heard of a female equivalent. I kind of doubt if there was one.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: George Papavgeris
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 02:19 PM

Thanks Kevin.
Robin, I think the operative word there is "normal":-)

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: greg stephens
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 03:26 PM

McGrath is convinced Le Petomane was a real person. Is this generally accepted...I'm sure I've heard the whole thing was a spoof by the person who wrote the biography. It was cfertainly notable that nobody seemed to have heard of him prior to the book coming out. Are there any contemporary references?

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Mrrzy
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 03:33 PM

I was taught about him in history class in French school - so I'm pretty sure he was real - but then again, they taught me Avogadro-Ampere's number...

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Mrrzy
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 03:36 PM

Yup, he was real. Google him, you'll see.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 05:32 PM

Good God. What an incredible story. The French truly have a sensibility all their own.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Micca
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 06:12 PM

Mrzzy what killed the miners in the pit was probably Carbon Dioxide CO2,( equiv molecular weight of 44) I think Miners call it "choke damp" as opposed to "Fire damp" which I believe is mostly
as follows,
Fire-damp is composed chiefly of methane with varying percentages of other gases. The fire-damp actually given off by coal or other strata has a composition lying between the following approximate limits
Methane from 70 to 98 %
Ethane, propane, etc From 0 to 2 %
Ethylene, acetylene, hydrogen sulphide From 0 to a trace
non flammable components
Carbon Dioxide From 0 to 4%
Nitrogen From 0 to 15%
Oxygen From 0 to a trace
which causes very easily ignited explosive mixtures with air and because of limited air supply underground burns to water and a mixture of Carbon Dioxide and a small proportion of Carbon monoxide is sometimes formed which is Toxic and fatal

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 06:17 PM

Interesting that this thread is now (or was) next to the 'US Browners' thread...

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 06:19 PM

Its a bit like willies.

An erect one - you would think had more substance.

But, it does not have the gravitational pull towards the centre of the earth, as a deflated one.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: bobad
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 06:26 PM

The Straight Dope on Le Petomane

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Crane Driver
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 06:41 PM

To go back to George's questions:

When you let one rip, is the damage repairable?
Something to do with a stitch in time, I guess.

Why is it that the noisy ones are often less smelly, but the silent ones are the real killers?
The noise level is due to the pressure of the gas. High pressure 'events' are usually caused by ingesting air with food, or consuming fizzy drinks etc - mostly CO2, nitrogen & so on, which don't smell much. Low pressure farts often result from bacterial decay in the gut, and contain organic 'aromatics' and sulphides, which don't smell at all - they stink!

Is there a foolproof way of telling the dry from the wet ones in advance?
I believe the operative term here is 'in advance'. No - life is full of surprises.

Why is a "rumbler" more satisfying in the presence of piles?
Piles of what?

Did La Petomaine exist? Was she a real person? And was she "natural", or pump-assisted (as claimed by the eponymous film with Leonard Rossiter)?
Never let the facts get in the way of a good story.

Andrew

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: George Papavgeris
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 06:46 PM

Thank you Andrew - I learned a few things today.
By the way, "piles" as in "haemorrhoids"... I think it's something to do with the "rumbler's" frequency in conjunction with the itchiness.

Can't wait to see Vanessa again (she's off on a canalboat trip with friends) - we'll have SO much to talk about!

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Riginslinger
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 07:46 PM

28 pounds to the cubic yard.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 08:34 PM

' Low pressure farts often result from bacterial decay in the gut, and contain organic 'aromatics' and sulphides, which don't smell at all - they stink!'

Who can see the fart
neither you, nor I
But when the bugger really stinks
Sit on the bog, and try!

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Riginslinger
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 09:42 PM

Great lyrics!

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 07:44 AM

Really when a fart produces anything heavy enough to be weighed - it should be reclassified as something else.

That is the motion I place before the committee.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: JennyO
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 08:20 AM

Motion denied!

(well I don't want it)

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 09:01 AM

When someone inquired of the weight of a fart,
I had to think where I could sensibly start.
So much would depend on the vapour one thinks,
But is vapour effective in the way that it stinks?

So I thought I might do a small ex-pe-ri-ment,
I went to the countryside and put up my tent.
To have stayed in the town might have caused some offence,
And the noise of my farts might have spoiled the silence.

I farted all day and I farted all night,
For twenty four hours till a new morning bright.
But wet ones or dry ones they felt much the same,
So experiments would never have gained me much fame.

I have tried again since to establish their weight,
I've spent days at work and nights up late.
But whatever I try, it just always fails,
I think I should get me a new set of scales.

Author ME..
Time NOW.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 09:22 AM

smells traditional to me, Mike.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 09:24 AM

Could you put a tune to it Al? Or does it have a tune all of its own..sort of like a ......fart?

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 10:19 AM

needs a catchy chorus, something like

Can you tell me Chum?
When a fart flies from your bum
What on earth is the critical mass
Of the gas from out your arse
Tell me matey
is it weighty?
theres no need to be glum
But by some miracle
lets get empirical
When a fart flies from your bum

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 11:35 AM

Think we got a hit Folk song there Al....probably a one hit wonder that will be gone with the wind

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: GUEST,OLD TIMER- GROUCHO
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 12:53 PM

Any one know any more of this ?,the prize on offer to the winner is THE LE PETOMAINE PERPETUAL CHALLENGE TROPHY
1>>
I WILL TELL YOU A STORY THATS CERTAIN TO PLEASE
OF A FARTING CONTEST AT CRAPTON -ON -TEASE,
AND ALL THE BEST BUTTOCKS OF VARIOUS SIZES ,
TOOK PART IN THIS CONTEST FOR NUMEROUS PRIZES.
2>>
SOME COCKED THEIR BUTTOCKS TO FART UP THE SCALE
TO TRY FOR A BOTTLE OR BARRELL OF ALE,
BUT THOSE WHOSE ARSES WERE BIGGEST AND STRONGEST,
TOOK PART IN THIS CONTEST FOR LOUDEST AND LONGEST
3>
THIS MUSICAL EVENING HAD DRAWN A LARGE CROWD,
AND THE BETTING WAS EVEN ON MRS McCLOUD,
IT WAS SAID IN THE PAPER,-THE SPORTING EDITION;
THAT THIS LADIES BUTT WAS IN PERFECTION CONDITION.
4>
PENELOPE McDOUGALL THOUGHT NOTHING OF THIS,

----any takers from here

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Rasener
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 01:03 PM

This might help

The Fart Song

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 03:59 PM

Lady Penelope and I have a chorus that is just begging for a song to go with it... we composed it at Towersey festival a couple of years ago, after a particularly productive afternoon session.

The tune should be fairly obvious...


We can blow, boys, we can chuff and guff,
we are drinking girls and we can crack one off...


It never got farther than that, but has been sung on several occasions with varying amounts of enthusiasm, gusto and wind ensemble accompaniment.

She'll deny it... she always does.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 05:28 PM

Silent Knight, Holey Dame,
Farting and burping is their game.
Up or down it matters not,
Whichever, they give it all they've got.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: GUEST,ibo
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 05:53 PM

i would think prince phillip would be about 15 stone?

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Cluin
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 07:34 PM

"Farts are shit without the mess."
                ~ George Carlin

"But not always, alas."
                ~ Me

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 07:42 PM

But what kind of accompaniment would be needed for those songs?

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Cluin
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 07:46 PM

Tuba, bagpipe, and kazoo.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 07:57 PM

"I've never heard of a female equivalent. I kind of doubt if there was one."

Well, there have been sorta female 'similarities' but they tend to concentrate on a slightly different area (if you'll pardon the expression!) - or at least their mostly male audoience does...

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: GUEST,OLD TIMER- GROUCHO
Date: 12 Jul 07 - 12:09 PM

4>PENELOPE McDOUGALL THOUGHT NOTHING OF THIS,
SHE HAD SOME WEAK TEA AND WAS ALL WIND AND HISS,
WITH HER HANDS ON HER HIPS AND HER LEGS STRECHED OUT WIDE,
SHE UNLUCKILY BLURPED AND WAS DISQUALIFIED
5.>
THE VICARS YOUNG WIFE WAS NEXT- UP FOR THE CAUSE,
AND SHE PROMPTLY PROCEEDED TO PULL DOWN HER DRAWERS,
SHE TURNED TO THE CROWD WHO HAD STARTED TO SING,
AND SHE FARTED THE FIRST VERSE OF GOD SAVE THE KING
6>
THE DOWGER von FOGHORNE HAD A LOVELY BACKSIDE,
WITH A BUNCH OF RED HAIR AND A WART ON EACH SIDE,
SHE FANCIED HER CHANCES OF WINNING AT EASE ,
HAVING TRAINED ON A DIET OF GUINNESS AND PEAS
7>
THE FINAL CONTESTANT WAS MARMYDUKE MORGAN,
SHE HAD PRACTISED FOR MONTHS WITH THE VICARS CHURCH ORGAN
FOR CROTCHETS AND QUAVERS SHE HAD GAINED GREAT ACCLAIM,
--------?-----?------?
any takers ?will some one sing the chorus or something ----tooraloo-- tooralay or whaever-----any bards left in G.B.?

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Micca
Date: 12 Jul 07 - 01:45 PM

" but followed through on Bflat to her anguish and shame!"

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 12 Jul 07 - 02:08 PM

To fart it is a pleasure,
It gives the bowels ease.
It delicately scents the sheets,
And suffocates the fleas.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Mingulay
Date: 12 Jul 07 - 06:59 PM

As the grafitti on the toilet wall has it

Here I sit broken hearted,
Paid a penny and only farted.

Credited to Trad Anon, eldest son of Mr and Mrs Anon of Shittom on Pease, Windchester.

Surprisingly tame Google ads at the bottom methinks. Or should that be mestinks?

Pete (Windologist of note [and timbre]).

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 13 Jul 07 - 02:57 AM

This thread has been a roaring success but I fear the wind of change.
At least it was not fartlessly deleted.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: goatfell
Date: 13 Jul 07 - 04:47 AM

what colour is a fart?

blue
because you blew it out your arse

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: GUEST,OLD TIMER- GROUCHO
Date: 13 Jul 07 - 05:36 AM

MICCA, that was a splendid BURST of inspiration. I am suffering from wriers air -lock at the moment--- feel welcome to continue.Meanwhile here is an epitaph I saw on a tombestone in Wexford, Ireland

"WHEREVER YOU ARE,LET YOUR WIND GO FREE,
FOR THE HOLDING OF ONE WAS THE KILLING OF ME"

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: GUEST,OLD TIMER- GROUCHO
Date: 13 Jul 07 - 05:41 AM

Do you mean it is blue from the ass- hole out ?

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: GUEST,Mickey191
Date: 13 Jul 07 - 08:54 AM

A friend was a frozen food mgr. in a large supermkt. He used to say if one farted in the huge walk-in freezer the redolence would last for hours. Sometimes, after the store had been shut for 12 hours-the odor from last night's emission would be there to greet one in the AM.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: JennyO
Date: 13 Jul 07 - 09:10 AM

Eeeuuuww. A frozen fart!

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: GUEST,OLD TIMER
Date: 13 Jul 07 - 10:06 AM

WOW,---ANY FART ICICLES IN THERE ? SUCH FORENSICS, IF AVAILABLE ,WOULD SUGGEST THAT THEY ARE LONG OVERDUE A VISIT FROM THE HYGEINE INSPECTORS .IN THE INTRESTS OF PUBIC HEALTH AND THE ADVANCEMENT MICROBIOLOGY I THINK THAT STORE SHOULD SEEK OFFICIAL RECOGNITION UNDER LABORATORY AND NOXIOUS FUMES LEGLISLATION.PERHAPS THESE PEOPLE MIGHT BE ABLE TO PROVIDE A SOLUTION www.panfan.com

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 13 Jul 07 - 11:40 AM

What would happen to frozen methane if one attempted to light it?

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Raedwulf
Date: 13 Jul 07 - 01:28 PM

Dear me. Hasn't anyone spotted the obvious? It doesn't matter what % of methane, etc. Once the mass of the fart, whatever its composition, has been expelled from the body, you are lighter. Basic science, people...

(P.S. I just skipped half the thread because you were all so obviously talking utter nonsense as is normal for the 'Cat. ;-) So apologies if someone diid latterly say this...)

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Anne Lister
Date: 13 Jul 07 - 04:04 PM

My husband has been researching this for you all and found this site
and this site as well

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: gnu
Date: 13 Jul 07 - 04:15 PM

Raedwulf.... not wise to do that. You may feel heavier after you rise tomorrow.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Riginslinger
Date: 14 Jul 07 - 01:25 PM

"How heavy are farts ?"


          If Dick Cheney lets 'em, they don't ever rise to the level of the Senate.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Peace
Date: 14 Jul 07 - 03:06 PM

Farts are measured in a number of ways (or weighs if you get my drift).

Liquid measure--if that's what you're using to measure, you didn't really fart.

Cubic measure--you da man.

Dry measure--non sequitar.

Linear measure--you da man, and FAST, too.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 14 Jul 07 - 05:53 PM

Grades are as follows.
1)Silent killer = speaks for itself.
2) A fluff = barely audible wind noise.
3)A pip = what it sounds like!
4) A Trump = beats a pip every time.
5) A fart = the average type..with noise.
6) A Blower = bit louder and slightly longer than a fart
7) A ripper = sounds like tearing material.
8) A Blaster = another that speaks for itself.
9) A duckfart = comes our slowly and noisily as you walk...sounds like a quacking duck. (Best coming down stairs)
10) Killer = Also speaks for itself.
None of them have much actual weight but some obviously 'carry more weight' than others.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Cluin
Date: 14 Jul 07 - 11:28 PM

Sometimes in midwinter we go out and collect those little blue iceballs you will find in farmer's fields after extremely cold nights. You throw them in the fireplace and as they start to melt, they explode.

They are frozen cattle farts... fartsicles, if you will.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Rowan
Date: 15 Jul 07 - 02:21 AM

I remember Fin de Siecle posters advertising Le Petomaine being on sale in the 60s and never thought they were celebrating a fake but rather a special fakir.

On some other aspects of the thread;
1 most ruminants' contribution of methane to the greenhouse gas load comes from eructation (burping) during cud chewing rather than from the anus,
2 inulin and other pentose starches have a different digestion pathway (metabolically speaking) from the more usual hexose starches and are notorious for leading to farts. They are particularly common in beans,
3 many biology students are amazed to learn they have tastebuds in their anus. Aside from the usual canard about what their elders think of teenagers' tastes the story is that the lining of both ends of the alientary canal is ectodermal in origin and thus rich in nerve endings. In the mouth we call them tastebuds but in the anus, even though they perform the same function (fireily recording the passage of last night's curry as well as detecting the differences between solid, liquid and gas phases and thus allowing farts but nothing else to pass). good taste prevents us from calling them tastebuds.

It's a wonder no-one has mentioned McArthur's Fart here.

Cheers, Rowan

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 15 Jul 07 - 03:29 AM

I suppose now is the time to reveal the greatest advice ever given to anyone and it was given right here on Mudcat by our own Kendall Morse.


Never trust a fart.



Now, there is still a debate raging as to whether he meant an expulsion of gaseous material from the anus or an 'old fart' who wears trousers up to his nipples and says 'in my day' a lot whilst waving a cane, but I think the advice stands perfectly well for both counts.

So if farts are blue in colour (although personal experience has shown that some of them are brown), I suppose belches are burple.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Jul 07 - 03:31 AM

Le Petomane was not a fake..He was a real performer.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Anne Lister
Date: 15 Jul 07 - 12:36 PM

McArthur's Fart?
There are two famous stories told of historic farts, both remarkably similar ..one is in the 1001 Nights, and the other is about a nobleman at the time of Elizabeth I. In both cases, a fairly important person is unfortunate enough to let one rip in the presence of someone still more important (a Sultan in the 1001 Nights, or Liz I) and out of mortification feels they have to flee the country. This poor chap (always male) stays away for years and years, and finally feels able to return to court, where the first thing they hear is either a mother telling a child "that was the year when ?Abdul farted" or the queen saying "Yes, Sir X, we have completely forgot the fart."
Are there any cultures where farting is acceptable, I wonder?

Anne

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Jul 07 - 12:49 PM

Just struck me as funny that this thread is next to the St Swithins day thread....SO...if I fart today????

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: JennyO
Date: 15 Jul 07 - 01:02 PM

"McArthur's Fart" is a humorous poem in the style of Australian bush poetry. I've heard Yuri the Storyteller do it.

Unfortunately I can't find the words anywhere. The last line of each verse goes:

"On the day McArthur farted, and saved the town from drought!"

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Severn
Date: 15 Jul 07 - 01:13 PM

MacArthur's Fart is melting in the dark,
All the sweet green icing flowing down....





.....The old "Cake IN THe Rain Trick" again, and we fell for it AGAIN!

Almost as bad as when McArthur comes over for the umpteenth time and asks you to pull his finger....

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Mickey191
Date: 15 Jul 07 - 01:22 PM

Reaching back many years for this tale-hope I get it right.

The Queen of England was riding in her horse drawn coach with Iddy Amin (sp?).This was before all of his bad press. They were conversing about the state of affairs when suddenly the loudest, foulest fart was heard & smelled. The Queen, ashamed that her horse committed the deed, said: "Excuse Me." Amin replied: Oh, I thought it was the horse."   


Mickey191-F.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Cluin
Date: 15 Jul 07 - 03:28 PM

McArthur's Fart
(a "McArthur Park" parody by Stuart McArthur)

Spring in nineteen-ninety: Yesterday...
I shared with Stu my tent
(though he'd swallowed beans from cans)

Between his parted bumcheeks blew this gale
it roared just like a lion
through his stri-ped jarmy pants

McArthur's fart came wafting through the dark
all those reeking arse-fumes floating round...
somehow must escape into the rain!
I...just...knew I couldn't make it
I was lying there half-naked
if the next tent saw me naked, oh the shame!
Oh No!

I then saw my yellow cotton dress
folded, tucked away
on the ground beside his cheeks

held my breath and shook it, but alas!
it was sodden from the vapours
God, it reeked

McArthur's fart had wilted my best frock
all its sweet green buttons turning brown
maybe I should shake it in the rain
but...the...rain would not go near it
every raindrop somehow cleared it
I can never have that dress on me...again!
Oh No!

(orchestral - key change)


There will be another man for me
and I will find...
him
one whose sphincter muscle's so discreet
it's safe behind...
him
I can handle burps and lager-bombs...and never
let guys catch me wincing at the fumes
including all of Stu's - til last night
never winced at Stu's - til last night
Thought he'd be the one!

I must tell poor Stu...of this event
then adieu
Stu
"Something horrid happened in our tent.
It came from you
Stu
Your explosion fouled the atmosphere...
and its denseness flowed like treacle through my lungs
and though you were the love of my life
I know that I can never be your wife
I'm still reeking of you
and so it's good-
...bye"

(melancholy orchestral interlude,
followed by inexplicably hep jazz bridge,
followed by huge orchestral crescendo...)

McArthur's fart has blanketed my heart
like a reeking lice-filled eiderdown
Even if I break up with its source
I...don't...think that I can cop it
I've no energy to stop it
(furthermore I need my tent poles reinforced)
oh no!!

Oh no-o!

no!!!!!!
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: GUEST,Uncle DaveO
Date: 15 Jul 07 - 03:55 PM

I confess that I've not read the entire thread, so someone may just have made this observation already.

Thinking about whether the gas expelled is lighter or heavier than air is only relevant if those respective gasses are at the same temperature and pressure. Or at least the question is in no way decided by the lightness/heaviness of the respective gasses at a standard temperature and pressure.

The within-bowel gas is going to be warmer than the ambient atmosphere of the animal host, and being elastically contained by the gut, this in itself makes for increased pressure. Then the pressure of peristalsis (the propulsive squeezing of the gut) will also raise the pressure, resulting overall in more mass per cubic centimeter of compressed retained gas.

It seems obvious that a fart--especially a good, round, explosive fart, resulting from high pressure--will create a momentary weight loss.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: gnu
Date: 15 Jul 07 - 04:02 PM

I've never really cared. All I care about is, "Better out than in." Ahhhhhh....

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Jul 07 - 06:21 PM

So much information about farts on this thread......scientific and fun......just going to have a look at some "members info" now....

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Severn
Date: 15 Jul 07 - 08:05 PM

Georgiansilver, of course you've learned a lot. You've been schooled by some of the finest tooters in the institution!

Benjaman Franklin, himself, said "Fart Proudly!", by the way.


And why were British coind named fart-hings?

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Rowan
Date: 16 Jul 07 - 01:03 AM

McArthur's Fart (the Oz version by Bleby and Bath) is on Mudcat at
MCARTHUR'S FART

Cheers, Rowan

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 Jul 07 - 02:53 AM

Yes Benjamin Franklin! A man of great fartitude.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 16 Jul 07 - 05:13 AM

The British coin 'farthing' was a quarter of a penny (half a halfpenny) and comes from the Anglo-Saxon 'feorthling'. Everything you ever wanted to know about farthings from 1272 -> is here.

Nothing to do with farts. Sorry.

So if farts are expelled at body heat, thus making them lighter than the external air, why do dog farts roll along the ground in a miasma of curry and Winalot?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 Jul 07 - 07:24 AM

Farthings..nothing to do with farts....Oh come on Liz....I am sure many of us farted on farthings in our back pockets when we were younger....

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 Jul 07 - 05:49 PM

Thread nearly dropped (if you pardon the word) off the end

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: GUEST,98
Date: 17 Jul 07 - 12:36 AM

pump

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: GUEST,99
Date: 17 Jul 07 - 12:37 AM

dump

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Cluin
Date: 17 Jul 07 - 12:44 AM

rump

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: GUEST,101
Date: 17 Jul 07 - 12:50 AM

trump

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: GUEST,Carry On Crap Puns
Date: 17 Jul 07 - 12:53 AM

bum......


..sorry..


need to go for a "P"

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: GUEST,Carry On Crap Puns
Date: 17 Jul 07 - 12:54 AM

found one..

bump

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Cluin
Date: 17 Jul 07 - 01:37 AM

See your doctor about that one.