BS: Fools In The Real World

Subject: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 31 Oct 03 - 10:36 PM

I have a Yahoo list on which we post (among other humourous stuff) regular items of happenings in the Real World.

Just had to share this one with you...

I have been reguarly fighting SPAM for years - on another Yahoo list - and have recently given up trying to fight anything other than Child Porn - there's just too much at the moment!

So I advised the NSW Police force (and others) as I do - and the now have installed a new S/W Police Robot.

:-)

~~~~~~~~
To: The Hon Daryl Williams ,
[e-mail]
Cc: [e-mail],[e-mail],
From: Robin
Subject: FITRW: RE: CHILD PORN: was YOUNGEST BOYS etc

Still scratching my head...

Why we are not allowed to forward to the Police unwanted messages
containing language of this sort in order to get the Police to help track down and prosecute offenders - or do we just have to protect the delicate sensibilities of the Police Force at all costs?

And with regard to understandability - just exactly what does "If this message relates to genuine Police business then please contact the recipient and to request Memo Administration to release the message" mean please?

Robin Hayes


>From: [e-mail]
>To: ME
>Date: Sat, 1 Nov 2003 13:47:04 +1100 (EADT)
>Subject: RE: CHILD PORN: was YOUNGEST BOYS in BRUTAL RAPE MOVIES! (hQ0)
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------
>Your message to [e-mail]
> on Sat, 01 Nov 2003 12:42:24 +1000 may have contained unacceptable
>language. This message has been quarantined and not delivered to the
> intended recipient. Upon completion of the communication, this
> message will be subject to examination for possible contravention
> of the NSW Police Service policy governing the acceptable use of
> Electronic Mail.
>
>If this message relates to genuine Police business then please
> contact the recipient and to request Memo Administration to release
> the message.
>-------------------------------------------------------------
>[SNIP]
>To: The Hon Daryl Williams ,
> [e-mail],[e-mail],[e-mail],
> [e-mail]
>From: ME
>Subject: CHILD PORN: was YOUNGEST BOYS in BRUTAL RAPE MOVIES! (hQ0)
>Cc: [e-mail]
>
>I don't want this stuff - I never asked for it -please shut them down.
>Copy sent to SpamWatch.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Return-Path:
>Received: from [168.226.122.147] by smta02.mail.ozemail.net with SMTP
>          id
> <20031101022939.MQFZ6709.smta02.mail.ozemail.net@[168.226.122.147]>
>          for ; Sat, 1 Nov 2003 02:29:39 +0000
>Date: Sat, 01 Nov 2003 00:34:47 GMT
>From: BRUTAL YOUNGEST RAPE w4pA1G5
>To: ME
>Subject: YOUNGEST BOYS in BRUTAL RAPE MOVIES! (hQ0)

~~~~~~~~~~~~
:-O
Robin

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: LadyJean
Date: 01 Nov 03 - 12:23 AM

You forward Nigerian Spam letters to [e-mail]. I wonder if the secret service has an address for spam porn. I got one saying, "Click here to see 18 year old girls getting f---ed for the first time." Bleah!

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 01 Nov 03 - 06:59 AM

The NSW Police replied to me some time ago asking me not to forward any more Porn SPAM to them - they only wanted me to send them email about things that were against the law - I only send them Child Porn Stuff now!

If you think that what you got, LadyJean, was rough, you certainly haven't seen some of the stuff floating around - I get half a sozen or more "ordinary" Porn Spams and one or two "ripe ones" a day. I don't even open most of the stuff - I use Mailwasher. This particular one was sp bad and explicit that I'm not surprised at the Police Robot freaking out! Of course I snipped that nasty stuff off before sending it here... Apparently some secretaries are refusing to open email for some mangers now - some of the stuff is so strong and explicit! I can only hope that our politicians are getting the "good" stuff - it might be part of what is causing a mind shift among them... :-)

This thread was not intended to be just about SPAM, by the way...

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: kendall
Date: 01 Nov 03 - 07:52 AM

I never get porn, wonder why?

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 01 Nov 03 - 08:27 AM

That can be fixed... ;-)
unless your ISP is really good at filtering it out...

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: Jeri
Date: 01 Nov 03 - 08:30 AM

The problem with sending stuff to local police departments is that, while YOU may be in their jurisdiction, the messages often come from elsewhere. Local police probably don't have the tools to track these guys. Even if they did, the governments of the child porn spammers may not care, or may not care enough to do anything about it. About all your local police can do is arrest folks within their jurisdiction that take part in the criminal activity.

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 01 Nov 03 - 08:43 AM

The Aussie Police have been making lots of fuss in the media recently about how they work hard to catch Child Porn Rings on the Internet all over the world, even giving out press releases about catching them, so I feel it is my civic duty to help... :-)

And the Aussie Federal Minister for Communications - well it's his job under the relevant Federal Legislation, mate! :-)

And the ISP is the one it travels thru - and under Aussie Leglislation there is no common carrier protection for ISP's...

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: Jeri
Date: 01 Nov 03 - 09:03 AM

Ah, well, if they've dedicated themselves to Doing Something About It and have the wherewithal to do it, please ignore my comments. I get the feeling that local police in the rural parts of the US are not so well connected, but I could be wrong about that as well.

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Nov 03 - 09:36 AM

On the three occassions (since I've been here) that we've had child porn accessed on the library public computers, the cops have been very diligent. They take the hard drives (which we replace) and turn them over to the FBI (the Western Technology Facility is here in town), where the drives are cloned, thoroughly examined, and the evidence returned to the local cops.

Mind you, we only call the cops when something truly illegal, such as child porn, is involved.

Adult porn viewers are simply banned from using the public Internet stations.

We're investigating a filter for the Internet. For one thing, we can't get any money from the Universal Service Fund (E-rate money) or from the Library Services and Technology Act (LSTA) unless we have one. And money's tight enough -- our budget was cut by better than 10% compared to last year.

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 01 Nov 03 - 10:35 PM

In Ausie we don't have "Local Police".

The basic unit is at State Level - Since my ISP is a NSW registered company, that is where I complain.

Thus in Queensland during the reign of the Mighty Joh - the wags used to put bumper stickers on their cars saying

"Queensland Police State"   :-)

We do also have a Federal Police Force - recent amending leglislation has just been passed to allow them to carry guns - again - Ooooops! :-) ans they are ably assisted in their duties by helpful friends - such as the US and Chinese Secret Police.... ;-)

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 03 Nov 03 - 07:16 PM

Some threads relevant to the theme of this thread.

Enrage Your Audience Stories?

Drunken Sailor song protested

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: GUEST,Kim C no cookie
Date: 04 Nov 03 - 09:46 AM

I'm amazed that there are people anymore who wait till they're 18 to get f----d for the first time...

Seriously, though... I think that in the US, the Customs Department has something to do with fighting Internet porn. I sat next to a woman at a business luncheon once who had this job. It's been awhile back, though, so I don't remember what she told me exactly.

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 07 Nov 03 - 01:18 PM

"Beauty & The Beast" Channel 10 today ... [09 Apr 2002]

From a discussion on Witchcraft....

"It's very old - I don't know much, but it dates back to at least
Shakespeare's time, you know: hubble bubble, toil and trouble, etc"

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 07 Nov 03 - 01:20 PM

This took place in early Apr 2002, and was NOT an April Fools Joke!

In Australia, there have been complaints about decreasing service by banks through closure of branches. The National Australia Bank (NAB) is going to close some more, and the NAB has made a deal with the Post Office to conduct some (Non-Business-Customer) Banking Trading Services on the NAB's behalf.

The NAB CEO has now defended the closures by claiming that NAB customers will have better service because the Post Offices are open for longer hours per week....

Robin - Author of The Fooles Troupe
(who could never have thought up as crazy a plot as this one...)

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 07 Dec 03 - 10:38 PM

QUOTATION OF THE DAY NY Times
Sunday, December 7, 2003

"With a heavy dose of fear and violence, and a lot of money for projects, I think we can convince people that we are here to help them."

LT. COL. NATHAN SASSAMAN, whose unit oversees the Iraqi village of Abu Hishma.

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: Bill D
Date: 08 Dec 03 - 12:14 PM

shucks, Saddam already HAD that!

sort of like spanking your kids to make them stop fighting..

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 23 Mar 04 - 11:36 PM

Subject: Government Announcement

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: Sorcha
Date: 24 Mar 04 - 12:31 AM

The last one was good, Robin! LOL, but the kiddie porn is NOT lol.

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Mar 04 - 02:00 AM

what kiddie porn?

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 17 Dec 04 - 09:08 AM

Note: this was written before the 2001 Aussie General Election.

Troops to Marginal Electorates

In a surprise move Australian Prime Minister, John Howard, announced
yesterday that the government is sending troops to remote marginal
electorates to help win the war against boat people and queue
jumpers.
Howard was careful to point out that he had received bipartisan
support from the Opposition for the move and both he and Kim Beazley
would farewell the troops.

Howard offered praise for the troops, "Polling indicates that many
voters in remote areas are scared and uncertain of what is
happening," he said.

"Many of them have not seen a politician let alone a fully armed
soldier. I understand how difficult this will be for our boys in
these trying circumstances".

Howard went on to say that his government was also keen to show a
humanitarian side. In a stick and carrot approach they have begun
airdrops in remote rural areas.

Thousands of aid packages have been dropped in remote electorates
around Australia. Each yellow plastic container of " voter vitals"
is about the size of a Readers Digest Condensed Book. The pouches,
airdropped by the Australian Air Force are to assist Australian
voters in remote rural communities.

Each package contains the following items:

Arnotts biscuits
Liberal How to Vote Card
Tim Tams
Dick Smith Peanut butter
$5 Phone Card
A pale blue cricket hat
Vegemite
50 grams of Aeroplane Jelly crystals
Plastic Australian flag
John Howard Serviette
A government spokesperson defended the move saying it would be too
costly and unfair on taxpayers to use Australia Post. "We believe
airdrops are the most effective way to reach these remote areas," he
said.

Kim Beazley, however was quick to distance himself from the aid
package. "This is not an aid package," he thundered. "It is nothing
but a John Howard Showbag and a waste of taxpayers money. It's a
blatant election stunt and we do not support it."

Many airdrops have been off target and observers have reported the
aid has not been getting to those in need.

"We have seen these specially packed portions of vegemite, peanut
butter and Tim Tams where they shouldn't be," said Cheryl
Kernot. "Two dollar shops in George Street, Sydney are NOT where
they were meant to land up!"

Apparently, inner city types in 4x4s have been going out on weekends
to collect the parcels which turn up at local garage sales where
they are reportedly a sought after item.

Many households have been stocking up on non-perishable
foodstuff. "We are scared," said a Paddington resident who did not
want to be identified. "Many of us are still suffering from the
fallout of Y2K, now we have to worry about germ warfare and the
collapse of Ansett. We are stocking up on all the supplies we can
get."

In a statement, the Australian Democrats said the operation
was "nothing but a propaganda operation designed with military
precision to boost the chances of a Coalition victory."

Howard stressed it was important that Australians stand together as
one nation and he was working hard on building a coalition of allies
to help win the war against boat people and queue jumpers but he
denied Pauline Hanson's One Nation party snubbed him. "She is a busy
woman, I am trying to arrange a meeting after the election ---
provided I win," he said.

   

The opinions expressed on these pages are not necessarily the views
of Rocket, and any resemblance to persons living, dead or in
suspended animation, or to real places within the universe as we
understand it, is entirely coincidental.

Copyright © 2001 and beyond. All Rights Reserved

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 19 Dec 04 - 07:14 AM

250 years and they still aren't getting it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


London police in talks over prison ship
December 19, 2004 - 12:19PM

London police are in talks to moor a prison ship on the River Thames in a bid to tackle the spiralling inmate population.

A decision is expected at the end of the year on the fate of Britain's first prison ship, HMP Weare, which is currently berthed at Portland in Dorset.

Last month, the ship was condemned as "merely an expensive container - and in the wrong place" by Britain's Chief Inspector of Prisons, Anne Owers.

She said the ship should be closed down unless a massive amount of cash was spent on refurbishment.

A spokesman for Scotland Yard said today discussions were underway on the suitability of the ship and a decision should be expected at the end of the year.

"The Metropolitan Police Service needs to increase its cell capacity and is currently in negotiations with the HM Prison Service in relation to the use of a prison ship," he said.

A Home Office spokeswoman said no decision had yet been taken on the ship's future but if it were sold a "competitive price" would be sought.

HMP Weare was originally a troop ship in the Falklands war and then a floating jail in the US.

The British Government purchased it in 1997 as a temporary overcrowding measure and intended to close it in 2000. It now holds 400 inmates.

Although the jail was generally a safe place, last month inspectors said it was "unacceptably cramped and claustrophobic" with no access to fresh air in cells.

Owers said: "Millions of pounds of capital investment would be necessary to make it more suitable - indeed, even to keep it seaworthy and safe will require significant resources."

PA

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: Amos
Date: 19 Dec 04 - 10:25 AM

Britain's first prison ship? I hardly think so. The Thames was lined with several of them back in the 18th century. They were used for storing prisoners bound for Botany Bay before their transports were ready IIRC.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 18 Apr 05 - 08:56 AM

http://www.sundaymail.co.uk/news/tm_objectid=15410588&method=full&siteid=860
24&headline=human-rites-fight-by-next-door-pagans-name_page.html

HUMAN RITES FIGHT BY NEXT DOOR PAGANS

Neighbours can spy on naked rituals

By Billy Paterson

A PAGAN tried to stop his neighbours building an extension - because they would be able to see him performing nude rituals in his garden.

John Patterson, 51, claimed the proposed building would infringe his human rights.

He told council planners: 'My religion is something I wanted to keep totally and utterly secret because of public misconception and misunderstanding.

'Under article nine of the European convention on human rights you are entitled to practise or perform your religion in public or private as you wish.

'I had a hedge round that part of the garden which made it completely
private but my neighbour's dormer window will overlook the area.'

South Ayrshire planners gave his neighbour Ronnie Walker the go-ahead for the extension in Logan Drive, Troon.

Mr Patterson added: 'I felt the decision was particularly unfair. Now I am left to spend thousands of pounds planting higher hedges and trees and living the rest of my life in shade and shadow.'

Troon community leader Nan McFarlane, said: 'I know there are pagans on Arran who dance around naked in the woods but I didn't expect that kind of thing in Logan Drive.

'Having said that, I do have some sympathy for the man. This is a massive extension and people are entitled to privacy in their own garden.'

One female neighbour, whose house overlooks Mr Patterson's, said: 'I know nothing about any nude rituals... but I'll be having a look tonight.'

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 25 Jun 05 - 07:34 PM

Life imitates Art -
According to a report in the Israeli daily Ma'ariv, Itzik Simkowitz is suing a pet shop owner in Beersheeba for selling him a sickly galerita-type cockatoo (Price: the equivalent of about US$2,000) that died ahortly after Simkowitz got him home.

As in a classic Monty Python sketch, the shop owner initially insisted that the parrot was merely lethargic and needed time to sdjust to his new surroundings, but when the parrot (to use the Python dialogue) was shown to be "a late parrot", "an ex-parrot", "a stiff", and to have "joined the choir invisible", the shop owner still refused to return the money.

How do you say "This is an ex-parrot!" in Hebrew?

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Jul 05 - 10:52 AM

Kissing Hank's Ass
http://www.jhuger.com/kisshank.php


This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me:   "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."

Me:   "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His ass."

Me:   "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me:   "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me:   "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me:   "And has He given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me:   "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you."

Me:   "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me:   "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me:   "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."

Me:   "What's that got to do with Hank?"

John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"

Me:   "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit out of you."

Me:   "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me:   "Then how do you kiss His ass?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

Me:   "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me:   "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

From the Desk of Karl

1. Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2. Use alcohol in moderation.
3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
4. Eat right.
5. Hank dictated this list Himself.
6. The moon is made of green cheese.
7. Everything Hank says is right.
8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. Don't use alcohol.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you.

Me:   "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me:   "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me:   "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."

Me:   "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me:   "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me:   "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me:   "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me:   "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me:   "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

Me:   "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."

Me:   "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me:   "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary: She blushes.

John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

Me:   "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me:   "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary: She looks positively stricken.

John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

Me:   "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

Me:   "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary: She faints.

John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: Le Scaramouche
Date: 11 Jul 05 - 01:30 PM

Tuki le'she'avar. That skit's one of my favorites. Lovely bird, beautiful plumage.

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: Sorcha
Date: 11 Jul 05 - 03:49 PM

ROF! Priceless! I LOVE it! Sending the link to everybody on my List....

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 14 Jul 05 - 08:06 AM

The Betty Crocker Cult

Badger Girl, Grand High Ladle, BCC

For the edification and entertainment of all, I am letting you all see one of the rarest pieces of modern ritual literature today.

What Do Betty Crocker Cultists Believe?

For all intents and purposes, Betty Crocker Cultists believe whatever I, the Grand High Ladle, tell them to believe. The B.C.C. is a cult in the truest sense of the word, with one infallible leader, me. For indeed it was I, Badger Girl, who received the word of Betty, when I least expected it, right in the middle of an episode of the French Chef.

Thrust as I was, right in the middle of pagan controversies of all stripes, it was clear to me that there was something missing in our community as a whole. That thing was the Kitchen. Not just food, you see, but the Kitchen, with all of its wondrous utensils, appliances and storage capacities. I knew this to be the answer to many of today's modern pagan problems. Betty told me so. "Go forth to the stove" said Betty, and go forth I did, taking most of the women (henceforth to be known as "Ladies") of Green Man Grove with me, as I hate to eat alone.

And lo! Many splendid things did befall us as we cavorted amidst the Tupperware. Betty spoke to me as we did, and she sai, "Now you're cookin', kid!", and of course, She was right. Soon we all tired and Betty took advantage of the situation (as is Her way) to tell us of her many colleagues in the world of the "Other Kitchen." She spoke of Oscar Meyer, patron of fathers in the Kitchen, also She spoke of Little Debbie, Goddess of cellophane wrapped snack foods. the tale of the Pillsbury Doughboy (Poppin' Fresh, to the initiated), the God of phallic foods that go "Fuff" was revealed to us, as well as the story of Mrs. Paul, Queen of the Frozen Seas. Betty then bespoke of the twin deities of the most sacred barbecue flame, Lee & Perrin, and also of Aunt Jemima, keeper of the Holy Syrup (and it was good!). Finally Betty told us of that most well preserved of holy mean, Earl Tupper and we were silently awed by the miracle of the Burp Seal.

Surely did Betty talk a blue streak that fateful day! Then Betty told me that She had chosen me to be Her Grand High Ladle on this earthly plane, and to gather around me all the minions I could strong-arm into the Cult. "You and your initiated minions shall be know to the world as "The Dash Board"!" said Betty. Betty then explained the hierarchy to be adhered to within the Cult. The lowest initiates being the "Cups" and all higher initiates gradually getting smaller and smaller until achieving "pinchdom" if not actual "dashery." And so, I said unto Betty, "Sounds good to me!" and she seemed well pleased.

This is how I became the Grand High Ladle. I am chosen by Betty to lead you to the Kitchen and get you all cookin'. If you choose to follow, it will be by my say so and the approval of the Dash Board. The initiation will be grueling and with any luck, really intimidating. You seeker, may have finally come to the right place, then again, maybe not, only I can be the judge of that.

Betty Crocker Cult Page

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 14 Jul 05 - 08:22 AM

-------- Original Message --------
Subject: Re: Commie plot to wipe out religion.
Date: Wed, 13 Jul 2005 12:48:43 -0700
From: Stuart Grey
Newsgroups:
alt.religion.islam,soc.culture.europe,misc.survivalism,soc.culture.british,alt.politics.immigration


[e-mail] wrote:
> On Wed, 13 Jul 2005 06:30:08 -0700, Stuart Grey
> wrote:
>
>
>>John Berg wrote:
>>
>>>I think you are correct. We should examine Islam for tenets unacceptable to
>>>the West and forbid the entrance of Muslims until those tenets are removed.
>>>
>>
>>
>>Yes, I've seen how this is working out when I saw the book "The Laughing
>>Jesus" (? IIRC). The idea behind the book was that all holy books:
>>Bible, Torah, Koran, are false.
>>
>>The general idea seems to be to use Islam as the prototype evil religion
>>as an excuse to ban Christianity and Judiams. It will probably take
>>hold, and the persecutions will begin. It appears the leftist are going
>>to use Islam as an excuse to go after Christianity.
>>
>>The funny thing is, if the Bible is right, it is what they would do.
>
>
> It's not, and that is not what is happening. Resisting dominionism is
> not "going after" Christianity.
>
> Hal

The leftist war on religion is clear. They have twisted "congress shall make no law ... wrt establishing religion or the practice thereof" to "seperation of church and state" to no signs of religion on public ground, ever. Thus, prohibiting the free exercise of religion if it happens on public grounds.

The goal, of course, is that once everything is public, to effectively outlaw religion.

Islamic terrorism offers a new approach for the leftist's war on religion. They can point to extremes in the Koran, which calls for the mass slaugher of non believers, and point to what they claim is similar things in the Bible, like stoning homosexuals, and thus argue that Christianity as well as Islam should be outlawed.

The ground work is already being done. It's just a matter of time. That this is predicted in the bible is a curious thing, but doesn't change any of the objective facts. Socialist/communist dispise religion, have attempted to outlaw it in the past, and this presents them with an oppertunity to make the argument to a fearful public to do so.

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 14 Jul 05 - 08:24 AM

Biblical Ways To Acquire a Wife
Brought to you by Meng Weng Wong.

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
-- Deuterononmy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

Find a prostitute and marry her.
-- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)

Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
-- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)

Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
-- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
-- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib.
-- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman.
-- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife.
-- David (I Samuel 18:27)

Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.)
-- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
-- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me."
-- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though).
-- David (2 Samuel 11)

Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law).
-- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
-- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

A wife?...NOT!!!
-- Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

Become sinless, and die in atonement for others, and you can marry a whole bunch of people.
-- Jesus (Revelation 15?)

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: dianavan
Date: 14 Jul 05 - 10:30 PM

So much for the sanctity of marriage!

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: Le Scaramouche
Date: 15 Jul 05 - 10:53 AM

Tongue-in-cheek obviously, but before you jump to conclusions its well worth reading the actual stories.

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 18 Oct 05 - 08:42 PM

Buster the cop dog refuses to bust anybody
German shepherd more lover than fighter retired from police force
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9731396/

Updated: 4:13 p.m. ET Oct. 17, 2005

ROTHERHAM, England - Buster the German shepherd could have had a great career as a British police dog had it not been for one flaw: His complete lack of interest in fighting crime.

The canine cop took early retirement after bosses at South Yorkshire Police noted his poor motivation — and a fondness for making friends with rowdy drunkards, his former handler said Monday.

Buster, who spent some six months on the beat, has been placed with a family in Sheffield, near this town in northern England, Police Constable David Stephenson said.

"He has a lack of drive and motivation when asked to do operational
work," Stephenson told The Associated Press. "He's just a lovely
pet."

Two-year-old Buster performed well at the start of his 14-week training program, but his work gradually deteriorated and the problem worsened once he started patrolling the streets, he said.

Buster's priorities

On one occasion, Buster walked straight past a suspected criminal hiding in the garden of a house late at night and went off to cock his leg.

"I searched the garden myself and found the bloke. The dog had walked past the spot where I found him," Stephenson said. "You would have expected him to use his nose to locate him."

During a separate tracking operation, also in the early hours of the morning, Buster gave up while in mid-chase across a golf course. "He just downed tools," Stephenson said. "He just lay down and there was nothing we could do. He has got a very low drive for finding people."

`No fire in his belly'

When patrolling Rotherham at pub closing times — when the streets are often crowded with drunken revelers — Buster wagged his tail when people came up to him and ate their fries, instead of deterring potential trouble makers, his former handler said.

"He just showed no interest in doing the job," Stephenson added. "He had no fire in his belly."

South Yorkshire Police employs some 50 German shepherds for tracking criminals, searching buildings and helping maintain public order at soccer matches and other events.

© 2005 The Associated Press.

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 09 Mar 06 - 08:21 AM

A fowl tale
Adam Gaffin ­ Boston Globe
March 5, 2006

ROSLINDALE, MA -- Somebody in Roslindale is deeply offended by the bikini-clad rubber-chicken doggie chew toys in the window of Pet Cabaret on Washington Street. Lisa Di Pietro, one of the pet supply store's owners, reports on her Pet Talk at Pet Cabaret about a phone call from an irate man:
''He asks how he is supposed to walk his children by our store and explain to them why there are naked chickens in the window."

The other owner, Lisa Schlossberg, ''explained to him that all chickens are naked, they usually don't wear clothes." And the chicken ''was wearing a purple polka-dot bikini, and so was not naked.'' He remained unconvinced. He threatened to call the mayor's office and report us. (I am not sure which department of Mayor Menino's office deals with rubber chickens.)"

Source: http://tinyurl.com/q646u

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 18 Mar 06 - 06:36 AM

http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2003/09/22/1064082919250.html

Sex, lies and churchgoers' secrets: court told of cop's con

September 22, 2003 - 5:08PM

A policeman conned a group of churchgoers into performing bizarre sexually titillating acts by pretending to enlist them as undercover agents to help him expose a paedophile ring, a Brisbane court was told today.

"These are the stories Enid Blyton would have written for the adult sleaze market," prosecutor Ron Swanwick said of the allegations of sexual perversion against James Arthur Marriner that spanned nearly 20 years.

"Instead of lemonade and lashings of ginger beer in the shed at the bottom of the garden, it's sleaze and porn and sexual assault at the den at the bottom of his house."

Marriner, 43, a former police sergeant based at Ipswich, west of Brisbane, was also a Sunday school teacher with the ultra-conservative Christian Brethren.

Mr Swanwick said the victims, aged from 12 into their early twenties, had been innocent and wide-eyed, and had trusted Marriner without question.

"He occupied a position below God, but certainly on par with the angels," he said.

Mr Swanwick said Marriner appeared to be in a stage of arrested childhood development, and played out an elaborate sham of Blytonesque secret adventures, recruiting people for supposedly covert police work against a gang of notorious paedophiles who had contacts with police and judiciary.

Marriner's recruiting procedures allegedly involved taking naked photos of the victims, and samples of their pubic hair, blood, and urine, and getting them to fill out detailed questionnaires that canvassed their sex lives.

Marriner allegedly told a woman who had sustained a needle stick injury that she had contracted a sexually transmitted disease and needed tests, which included her having to masturbate so that a vaginal swab could be taken when she climaxed.

The court was told Marriner videotaped this, telling the woman it had to be shown to the hierarchy at police headquarters to demonstrate that it had been done properly.

He also allegedly rubbed a special antidote cream over another woman's body.

Marriner has been charged with four counts of false pretences, three of assault causing bodily harm, one of misappropriation, two of attempted extortion, four of common assault, four of fraud, three of aggravated indecent assault, and one of indecent assault, from the 1980s until 2001.

He has pleaded not guilty to the charges.

The trial, in the District Court in Brisbane, is expected to take two weeks.

AAP

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 19 Aug 06 - 08:04 AM

California Woman Sues JC Penney After Run-In With Legless Mannequin
Allegedly Left Her Injured

http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory?id=2330916

LOS ANGELES Aug 18, 2006 (AP)— A woman is suing the J.C. Penney Co.
after an alleged run-in with a store mannequin that she says left her
with a cracked tooth, a bloodied head and recurring shoulder pain....

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: Slag
Date: 19 Aug 06 - 05:57 PM

I'm finally beginning to understand the BBC. If I get a left-side lobotomy I can join your club.

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 19 Aug 06 - 07:53 PM

No, lobotomies are only in the frontal area of the brain - remember that by reciting after me...

I'd sooner have a bottle in front of me,
than a frontal lobotomy...

"I can join your club."

you just have to stop using the critical faculities... too much...

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 19 Aug 06 - 08:07 PM

BTW

Re: 19 Dec 04 - 07:14 AM above...

The Australian Govt is putting out a tender for a 'mother ship' designed to detain refugees picked up at sea - they deny it is a 'prison ship'...

I'm not making this up you know...

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: Charley Noble
Date: 20 Aug 06 - 11:32 AM

The whole wide world whirls on!

Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 21 Aug 06 - 09:35 PM

Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:


On a Sears hairdryer - "Do not use while sleeping."
(Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron - "Do not iron clothes on body"
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On a bag of Fritos - You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(x-ray vision anyone?)

On a bar of Dial soap - "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(as opposed to???….)

On some Swanson frozen dinners - "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) - "Do not turn upside down."
(well…duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - "Product will be hot after heating."
(…and you thought????…)

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine - "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid - "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and I'm taking this because???….)

On most brands of Christmas lights - "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(and here I was going to use them, uh, hmmmm?)

On a Japanese food processor - "Not to be used for the other use."
(Somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts - "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts - "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(so I shouldn't eat the package too?)

On a child's Superman costume - "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw - "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God…was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: Ebbie
Date: 21 Aug 06 - 09:57 PM

um, Robin? Shouldn't you credit the author of that?

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 22 Aug 06 - 08:23 AM

It was forwarded to me unattributed.

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 25 Oct 06 - 10:40 PM

Tesco condemned for selling pole dancing toy
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=412195&in_page_id=1770

With pictures...

Tesco has been forced to remove a pole-dancing kit from the toys and games section of its website after it was accused of "destroying children's innocence".

The Tesco Direct site advertises the kit with the words, "Unleash the sex kitten inside...simply extend the Peekaboo pole inside the tube, slip on the sexy tunes and away you go!

"Soon you'll be flaunting it to the world and earning a fortune in Peekaboo Dance Dollars".

[snip]

The pole dance kit is the latest item to fuel allegations that major retailers increasingly sell products which "sexualise" young children such as T-shirts with suggestive messages.

In recent years Asda was forced to remove from sale pink and black lace lingerie, including a push-up bra to girls as young as nine.

Next had to remove t-shirts on sale for girls as young as six with the slogan "so many boys, so little time."

And BHS and others came under fire for selling padded bras embellished with a "Little Miss Naughty" logo and t-shirts with a Playboy-style bunny that said "I love boys...They are stupid."

Tesco last night denied the pole dancing kit was sexually oriented and said it was clearly marked for "adult use".

A spokesman added: "Pole dancing is an increasing exercise craze. This item is for people who want to improve their fitness and have fun at the same time."
~~~~~~~~

"simply extend the Peekaboo pole inside the tube"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 06 Nov 06 - 08:49 PM

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/09/06/exploding_trousers/

Bank robber exposed by exploding trousers
Smoking pants finger hapless blagger

By Lester Haines
Published Wednesday 6th September 2006 13:52 GMT

A bank robber who made off with a wad of cash from an Orlando bank last Friday had his collar felt after his trousers exploded as he attempted to make good his escape, the Orlando Sentinel reports.

Kenneth Ray Brooks marched into Centura Bank and declared: "I'm holding down the joint," police reports record. He then "stuffed a stack of bills into his waistband and pushed the money down out of view", and quickly exited the scene tailed by a bank employee.

Sgt. Barbara Jones explained: "Witnesses said they could see smoke coming out of his pants." Officers attending the scene quickly identified the perp by "his discomfort and bright red dye on both hands".

Brooks, identified by bank employees and CCTV footage of the blag, was taken to police headquarters for questioning and later "walked very slowly to a waiting ambulance with the help of police officers and firefighters". He then enjoyed a trip to the local hospital "as a result of possible burning injuries to his person".

Brooks has been charged with robbery, but that's not his most immediate concern. Police told the Orlando Sentinel that only the FBI could advise on the best method for removing the dye from Brook's hands and "lower torso".

Bootnote

Our informant Mike Richards failed to find an IT angle to this particular tale of woe, but quite reasonably asked: "Could you ignore a story that begins: 'The crotch of Kenneth Ray Brooks' pants exploded Friday afternoon.'?" Evidently not.

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 06 Nov 06 - 09:05 PM

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/02/28/blag_cash_auction/

Kent blag cash fenced on eBay
'£50m in used notes - quick sale'

By Lester Haines
Published Tuesday 28th February 2006 14:06 GMT

Updated Reader Rob Griggs-Taylor reckons the following eBay auction won't be up for long*, but describes it as "pure class". We agree on both counts:

For sale: £50m in used notes (see graphic)

Nicely done, especially the blurb which reads: "Recently aquired [sic] collection of used bank notes. Ideal for collector who doesn't ask too many questions. If you catch my drift."

We certainly do. The current top bid of 10 million quid says this auction is down before you can say "get your trousers on, you're nicked".

Update

*Yup - it's gone already (14:30 GMT). We really need to start charging for this auction-killing service.

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 17 Jan 07 - 08:14 AM

Treating Ailments- The Celtic Way

From a forwarded message to me...


I found these interesting little gems recently. They are by Meddygon Myddfai, Welsh, 13th Century and can be found in "A Celtic Book Of Days" by Sarah Costley and Charles Kightly.

'If a man vomit excessively, let him immerse his testicles in vinegar. It will cure him'

'If a man be irritable of mind, let him drink celery juice excessively: it will relieve his mood and produce joy.

'From the condition of a mans urine, may be distinguished his defects, dangers, fears and diseases, whether he be present or absent: if the colour be yellow-gold it shows that food and drink are perfectly digested in the stomach. If deep, liver-coloured red, or greenish, it shows that food is properly digested in his stomach. If black, or of a leaden hue, or milky, the food is not being digested in the stomach'

All I can say is, I wish the celery juice remedy was that easy-sure beats the rolling pin around the noggin! Just to be fair, does anyone have any equal remedies for us females?

Caroline

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Jan 07 - 06:47 PM

Australian Gary Kemble is responsible for...

http://www.boingboing.net/2007/01/22/pmail_paperbased_mes.html

P-mail: Paper-based messaging. Like email but slower!

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Jan 07 - 07:05 PM

It's not news, it's Fark!

Subject: RE: BS: Fools In The Real World
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 25 Jan 07 - 04:44 AM

With the many mentions of police intelligence above, perhaps it's worth a note that the Mexican national police force descended on the town of Tijuana recently, and confiscated all the guns from the local police force pending an investigation of "police cooperation" with local drug gangs.

When the police complained loudly about being deprived of their weapons, 60 local police officers were issued "replacement weapons" - - -

- - - - a slingshot and bag of ball bearings to each.

John