Lyr Req: Deck of Cards (parody)

Subject: When I Think of the 4 Queens....
From: Peter T.
Date: 04 Feb 03 - 05:33 PM

According to this week's Spectator, there is a British parody of the "Deck of Cards" song, which goes "When I think of the 4 queens, I think of the West Ham defence". Any one here know any other verses of this British parody? yours, Peter T.

Subject: RE: When I Think of the 4 Queens....
From: bradfordian
Date: 04 Feb 03 - 05:48 PM

Have you tried posting your request on this
site?
Brad.:o)

Subject: RE: When I Think of the 4 Queens....
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 05 Feb 03 - 04:49 AM

There is another parody which I've heard from "I'm sorry I'll read that again" which features the game of cricket - "The number of players in a team remind me of the number of months in the year minus one" etc.

Subject: RE: When I Think of the 4 Queens....
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 05 Feb 03 - 05:00 AM

There's also one based on Welsh Rugby, by Max Boyce, which I've posted here before, but cannot find at present.
Also one by Les Barker including lines like:
"When I see the four suits, I think of the number of suits I'd have in my wardrobe,
If I had four more suits,   and a wardrobe"

Nigel

Subject: RE: When I Think of the 4 Queens....
From: bradfordian
Date: 05 Feb 03 - 07:47 AM

(Thread creep. Just a bit of fun tho.)

NEW VOY Filk/parody: The Deck of Cards (PG) 1/1 [P, J]

Title: The Deck of Cards
Author: Dave Rogers
Email Address: [e-mail]
Series: VOY filk / parody
Rating: PG
Codes: P, J
Part: 1/1
Date Posted: 5th April 2000

Summary: A familiar story, retold.

Disclaimer: When I see the box the cards come in, I think of
Paramount. And when I see the joker, I think of me.

Author's note: This story is based on the song (is song the word?)
"The Deck of Cards", by T. Texas Tyler. If you haven't heard it, you
probably don't want to.

Dedication: The only e-mail I ever had from Trillseekr concerned
"Voyager Nights", which she really liked. Since this is in a
similar vein, I dedicate it to her memory.



The Deck of Cards



One day in the Delta Quadrant, a bunch of senior staff had been on an
away mission. They arrived back aboard Voyager, and leola root being
off the menu, several of the team went to the mess hall. After Neelix
served the food they started on their reports. Those of the team who
had padds took them out, but Tom Paris had only a deck of cards, so he
spread them out. Commander Chakotay saw the cards and said, "Paris, put
away those cards." After the meal was over Tom Paris was taken prisoner
and brought before Captain Janeway.

The Captain said "Chakotay, why have you brought Mr. Paris here?"

"For gambling in the mess hall, Captain."

"And what have you to say for yourself, Tom?"

"Much, Ma'am", Tom Paris replied.

The Captain said "I hope so, for if not I shall bust you down to
Cadet."

Tom Paris said, "You see, Ma'am, I have been on the surface for six
days and I had neither personal log nor star chart. But I hope to
satisfy you, Ma'am, with the purity of my intentions.
                                       
"You see, Ma'am, when I look at the Ace it reminds me there is but one
Voyager.

"And when I see the Deuce it reminds me of Seven of Nine, for some
reason, I'll think of it later when B'Elanna's not around.

"And when I see the Trey, I think of the three shuttlecraft totalled
by the XO.

"And when I see the Four, I think of the four quadrants in our great
galaxy, The Alpha, Gamma, Delta and the one we don't talk about.

"And when I see the Five, it reminds me of the Equinox Five, who were
wise and did what Captain Janeway said; there were ten of them, five
were wise and were saved, five were foolish and disobeyed you, and we
know what happened to them,

"And when I see the Six, it reminds me which season we're in now,

"And when I see the Seven, it reminds me of Seven of Nine,
surprisingly enough,

"And when I see the eight I think of the eight major characters that
Paramount created for Voyager. There was you, Chakotay, Tuvok, Holodoc,
me, B'Elanna, Harry and Kes. I'm trying to forget Neelix.
                                       
"And when I see the Nine I think of Seven of Nine again, unless
B'Elanna suspects anything, then I think of her quarters on Deck Nine.

"When I see the Ten I think of the first series of Voyager, which had
ten less shows than all the other Star Trek series.

"And when I see the King, I think of Admiral Paris and get these chest
pains, but that's my problem really.

"And when I see the Queen, I think of the blessed Captain Janeway, who
is Captain of Voyager,

"And the Jack or Knave is probably Q again.

"And when I count the number of spots on a deck of cards I find three
hundred and forty seven, which is a blatant forty-seven reference.

"There are fifty two cards, the number of episodes in two years.

"There are thirteen tricks, the number of *good* episodes in two years.

"There are four suits, the number of famous Star Trek captains. That
Pike guy doesn't really count.

"There are twelve picture cards, the number of years since the beginning
of The Next Generation.

"So you see, Captain, my deck of cards has served me as a personal log,
crew manifest, star chart and TV guide."

And the Captain said, "Nice try, Cadet Paris", and set him to work
scrubbing the plasma manifolds.

                                       
Friends, I know this story is true, because an unidentified Paramount
source says it forms the basis of an episode in Season Six.


Brad.

Subject: RE: When I Think of the 4 Queens....
From: Gareth
Date: 05 Feb 03 - 11:37 AM

I have the text for Max Boyce's varient of Deck of Cards - I can scan and post if anybody wishes. But a warning, the humour and references will be unintelligble to any non South Walian, or those who do not recall the golden age of Rugby !!

Gareth

Subject: RE: When I Think of the 4 Queens....
From: catspaw49
Date: 05 Feb 03 - 11:54 AM

Gareth, I think they are already on THIS THREAD. Additionally, you might also enjoy the discussion of the original on this old thread as well.

Spaw

Subject: RE: When I Think of the 4 Queens....
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 06 Feb 03 - 04:00 AM

Spaw: thanks, I knew I'd posted them somewhere, but couldn't find the thread!

Nigel

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Deck of Cards (parody)
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 14 Sep 10 - 05:17 PM

This request was buried in a BS thread and never answered:

Subject: RE: BS: The amazing game of cricket....
From: Dave Bryant - PM
Date: 04 Jul 02 - 07:25 AM

Does anyone have the words to THE CRICKET SET - I think it was by Tim Brooke-Taylor from "I'm sorry I'll read that again." It was a parody on A DECK OF CARDS.

And was an English soldier's excuse for bringing a cricket set into church.

There were lines like: "The number of stumps remind me of the days of the week minus one."

Subject: Lyr Add: THE CRICKET BAG
From: GUEST,Ed
Date: 14 Sep 10 - 05:29 PM

Here you are, Jim. I'm sure it's been posted around here somewhere but it bears repitition:

THE CRICKET BAG
(A parody of 'The Deck of Cards')


One day, some soldier boys were returning from an exercise on Sal-is-bury Plain.
They were tired and hungry and so they went into a church to pray.
Each soldier boy had a prayer book and a bible... but one boy,
he had no prayer book and no bible, he had only... a cricket bag!

After the service, the Sergeant called him over and said,
'Son, why were you playing cricket in church... what have you got to say for yourself?'
'Much Sir!' replied the soldier boy. 'I hope so,' said the Sergeant 'for if not,
you will surely be punished more than any soldier boy has ever been punished before you...
even more than that soldier boy we caught lying about playing cards in church, last week!'

So, the soldier began...

'You see, Sir, when I look at the cricket ball...
I think of God's Earth, spinning in the firmament.

When I look at the two umpires,
I think of those other two umpires at York and Canterbury... there's no throwing there!

And when I look at the three cricket stumps...
I think of the three virtues or of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego!

And when I look at the four bails...
I think of the Gaderene swine... or at least, four of them!

And when I look at the six balls in an over,
I remember that is just half the number of the disciples!

And when I look at the eight balls in an Australian over...
I remember that is just two thirds the number of disciples!

And when I look at the eleven men in a team...
I think of the 'Ten Commandments'... plus one!

So you see, Sir, my cricket bag serves me as my Bible,
my prayer book and my... cricket bag.'

And friends, this story is true!
I know... I was that cricket bag!

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Deck of Cards (parody)
From: GUEST,Ed
Date: 14 Sep 10 - 05:33 PM

And whilst we're at lets have, to my mind, the funniest parody of them all. You may need to be English, Northern even to understand some of the allusions:

THE DECK OF CARDS
by
Les Barker



During the North African campaign of the 7 years Franco-Prussian War of the Spanish Succession, a bunch of soldier boys had been on a long hike and found themselves in Macclesfield.
The next day being Sunday, they went into a church. One of the Franco Prussians saw one of the soldier boys take out a deck of cards, and said: 'Soldier; put away those cards."
The next day, the soldier was taken before the Provost Marshal. The Marshal spoke to the Franco Prussian, saying "Frank, why have you brought this man before me?
"For playing cards in church, Sir.
"What have you to say for yourself, son?"
"Much, sir," said the soldier.
"I hope so; for if not, I shall punish you more than any man was ever punished."
The soldier replied: "Well sir, when I see the ace, I think of what they call frozen water in Cheltenham.
When I see the two, I think of the two stomachs of half a cow.
And when I see the three, I think of the number of horsemen of the apocalypse when Pestilence is having a day off to run in the 2.45 at Ascot.
And when I look at the four, I think of the number of legs on part of a centipede.
When I see the five, I think of the number of trotters on a pig, and a spare one we've got in the fridge.
When I look at the six, I think of the number of votes Norway have got in the entire history of the Eurovision Song Contest.
When I look at the seven, I think of the Ten Commandments.
When I see the eight, I think of the number of trotters on a pig, cos I've just ate 'em.
When I think of the nine, I think of the number of trotters there would be on three horses if they were all pigs and had a leg missing.
When I look at the ten, I think of the number of Lords a-leaping some swine left on the doorstep after Christmas.
And when I see the Jack, I think of the number of trotters on a pig if it's left overnight in a car park in Brixton.
When I see the Queen, I think perhaps I'm in the wrong bus queue.
And when I see the king, I think: What's Elvis doing working in Tesco?
And when I see the four suits, it reminds me how many suits I'd have in the wardrobe if I had another four, and a wardrobe.
When I add up the number of cards, it comes to fifty-two, the number of weeks in the last half of last year and the first half of this year.
There are twelve picture cards, the number of eyebrows on six armadillos.
When I add up the spots, it comes to three hundred and sixty five, and I am reminded of a small bottle of Thousand Island dressing.
So you see, my deck of cards serves me as both a bauble and an Armagnac.
And folks, this story's true; I know; I read it in the Sun.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Deck of Cards (parody)
From: Herga Kitty
Date: 14 Sep 10 - 06:54 PM

Thanks Ed - though I think you need to see and hear Les Barker (in the cardigan) delivering his version to get the full effect!

Kitty

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Deck of Cards (parody)
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 14 Sep 10 - 07:17 PM

Ed: No, I don't think THE CRICKET BAG has been posted at Mudcat before, at least, not with those lyrics.

However, Les Barker's version has been posted here.

Thanks.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Deck of Cards (parody)
From: alex s
Date: 15 Sep 10 - 10:31 AM

There's another parody but I can't remember it - "The Box of Dominoes". Anyone know it?

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Deck of Cards (parody)
From: Mr Happy
Date: 15 Sep 10 - 10:36 AM

I think THE CRICKET BAG was performed by David Frost, prior to his becoming all serious