BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Mar 08 - 04:29 PM

"Tired Dog"

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that
he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall,
and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position
in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued
for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon
your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned
to his collar:

"He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to
catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: MudGuard
Date: 03 Mar 08 - 05:07 PM

What have these three date/time combinations in common:

08 Jan 08 - 12:14 PM
20 Feb 08 - 09:20 AM
03 Mar 08 - 04:29 PM


At each of these there was a tired dog ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Mar 08 - 06:02 PM

Strange, Mudguard! I used the Mudcat search function for the forum, and found only two "tired dog" entries, neither one of them this joke.

That doesn't excuse my aging memory, of course, but I'll say that a good joke can stand being told again. And again. And . . .

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Mar 08 - 09:15 AM

"Petishun"

We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum
stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment.
It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn
dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to
the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to
the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos
all about hairassment and he will be on are side.

We have also talked to the govner to make a new lo
to stop this pursicushun. We want a lo that makes
peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes
and every so often a red head joke. If we don't get
our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond
and we will make up jokes about you and we will
laff.

Sined by the blonds at the ofise

________________________________________
________________________________________
________________________________________
________________________________________
________________________________________
________________________________________

(sine with a penseel so you can erace it if you
make a mistake)

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Newport Boy
Date: 06 Mar 08 - 11:57 AM

An old man was bragging to his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me two thousand pounds, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbour "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

=============================================================

An architect, a surgeon, and a politician were discussing their place in the universe.

The surgeon said, 'Look, we're the most important. God's a surgeon because the very first thing God did was to extract Eve from Adam's rib.'

The architect said, 'No, wait a minute, God is an architect. Before the rib extraction, God made the world in six days out of chaos.'

The politician smiled, 'And who made the chaos?'

Phil

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 06 Mar 08 - 05:11 PM

Two mice were in the projection room of the cinema at night, chewing on the film.

one says, Well, what do you think?

the other says, I preferred the book.

   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 06 Mar 08 - 05:26 PM

A woman was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk

A carton of eggs

A quart of orange juice

A head of lettuce

A 2 lb. can of coffee

A 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Newport Boy
Date: 06 Mar 08 - 05:37 PM

First, an explanatory note: The BMW referred to is a two-wheeler, not a tin box (US readers - think Harley, but European and more sophisticated).

On a farm, the horse and the chicken were close friends, and often played together. One day the horse fell into the manure pit and called to his friend the chicken to help him.

The chicken assessed the problem, ran to the farm and came back with the farmer's BMW, picked up a rope and threw one end to the horse. He tied the other end to the BMW and pulled the horse out of the manure pit.

The horse was very grateful.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into the same manure pit. "Quick," he called to the horse "get the BMW and pull me out."

The horse thought a moment, and said "I think there's another way." He straddled the pit and dangled his equipment above the chicken. "Catch hold of that" he said. The chicken did as he was told, and the horse did a quick dressage sidestep, and the chicken was safe.

And they both lived happily ever after.


Oh yes, and the moral of the story:















If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pull the chicks!


Phil

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 08 Mar 08 - 09:18 AM

Rabinowich applies to join the communist party, and is required to answer a few questions.

Who was Karl Marx?

I don't know.

Lenin?

Never heard of him.

Friedrich Engels?

Nor him.

Are you playing games with me? asks the official.

Not at all, says Rabinowich. Do you know hershel Solzberg?

No, says the official.

How about Yankel Horiwitz?

Nor him.

Well, says Rabinowich, that's the way it goes, doesn't it. You've got your friends and I've got mine.


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Mar 08 - 10:06 AM

"Building a Car"

Two guys sit down for lunch in the General Motors
office cafeteria.

The conversation goes like this...

"Hey, whatever happened to Bill in Engineering?"
one asks. "I haven't seen him around for awhile."

"Oh, he got this hare-brained notion he was going
to build this new kind of car," his co-worker replies.

"Geez, how did he go about doing that?"

"Well, first he took a engine from a Firehawk, next
a 6 sp. transmission from a Corvette, a Camaro
body, seats from a Blazer, wheels and tires from
a Caddy, and, well...... you get the idea."

"So.... what did he end up with?"

"Ten to fifteen years!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Mar 08 - 09:21 AM

"Drinking With the Bartender"

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
"Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour
yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the
man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't
got it."

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times
then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the
bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone
in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give
me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself
that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the
same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the
doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a
drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up,
beats the living daylights out of him, then throws
him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same
bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house
a drink, give me the bill." In disgust, the bartender
says, "What, no drink for me this time?"

The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get too violent
when you drink."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Newport Boy
Date: 10 Mar 08 - 11:20 AM

It's early evening and a man walks into a bar. Apart from the barman, there's only one other guy there, sitting on a barstool sipping his drink.

The barman says "Good evening, sir. What will you have?"

"Thank you, I'll have a whisky, please."

The man takes another barstool, and the barman hands him a whisky.

"That'll be £1.50, sir". (This was a long time ago)

"Oh, I didn't expect to pay for this - you offered it freely".

The barman looks startled, and says "How do you think we make any money here? We don't give free drinks. Now pay up before I get mad".

At this, the quiet guy on the other barstool says to the barman "Excuse me, I don't want to interfere, but I think the customer has a point. I'm a lawyer. I heard you offer him a drink when he came in, and he accepted it. This created a contract between you, and there was no mention of money. In my opinion, he is entitled to the whisky, free of charge".

The barman looked startled, then turned to the man and said "All right, the brief here says you're entitled to your drink, so drink it up. And then go! And I never want to see you in this bar again".

The man finishes his whiskey, bids good evening to the barman and the lawyer, and leaves.

A few weeks later, the same man walks into the same bar, where the same barman is behind the bar.

"Hey, you! Get out of this bar. I said I never wanted to see you in here again. Now leave!"

The man looks startled. "I'm sorry" he says. "I don't know what you're talking about. I've not met you before and I've never been near this bar in my life".

The barman is taken aback. "Oh, excuse me sir. I thought I recognised you. You must have a double."

"Make it a whisky, please!"


Phil

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 11 Mar 08 - 05:18 AM

One from a happy retiree:
CDC Alert



The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally,by hand, and even electronically.



This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.


If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both fo the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (Beer). Take the antidote repeatedly until Work has been completely eliminated from your system.



You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected...And WORK is controlling your life.

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Mar 08 - 07:01 AM

PUPPIES FOR SALE

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the pups and set about Nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he Felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the Eyes of a little boy.

Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."

"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "these puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."

The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer. "I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"

"Sure," said the farmer.

And with that he let out a whistle,"Here,Dolly!" he called.

Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight.

As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared; this One noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up....

"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.

The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself To a specially made shoe. Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need Someone who understands."


The world is full of people who need someone who understands.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Amos
Date: 11 Mar 08 - 05:40 PM

FROM THE MOUTH OF A JEWISH BUDDHIST

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy; with the second sip,
satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage... that's another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life
without problems. What would you talk about?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never
wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you
have?

The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is
not Jewish.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining
Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded
glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded
shoulders.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand
times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a
specialist.

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not
every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself. The Buddha says, There is no
self. So, maybe we're off the hook.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 12 Mar 08 - 06:31 AM

Its Time!

Continued at 3rd Joke thread of 2008!