BS: Smile For The Day

Subject: BS: Smile For The Day
From: Dave (the ancient mariner)
Date: 14 Sep 06 - 12:44 PM

A woman awakens during the night to find her husband was not in bed.
She
puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him
sitting
at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears
to be
in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room.
"Why
are you down here at this time of the night?".

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago
when we
were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember
when
your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?".

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in
my
face and said, "Either you marry my

daughter, or i'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from
his
cheek and said,

"I would have gotten out today."

Subject: RE: BS: Smile For The Day
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 07:01 AM

Ah..... 20 years.... you don't get that for armed robbery these days.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Smile For The Day
From: Leadfingers
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 12:39 PM

One day , as I sat musing , Sad and Lonely , without a friend , a voice came to me out of the gloom , saying " Cheer up ! Things Could Be Worse !" So I cheered up , and sure enough , things got worse !

Subject: RE: BS: Smile For The Day
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 12:53 PM

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.
Oh and...... Only in Britain ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way
to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy
people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries
and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens
to the counters.
Only in Britain ... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the
drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain ... are there disabled parking places in front of a
skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION...
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new
shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree w hile
the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas
decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker
pulling accidents.
101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out
of the soles of their feet.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a Lit
cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after
opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of Control
Scalextric cars.

and finally........

In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the
toilet.

Subject: RE: BS: Smile For The Day
From: tarheel
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 03:07 PM

BAD, BAD, BAD!!!

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry,"   the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No,"   she replies. . . ..


Wait for it. .






It's coming. .



The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

She says:


"You just happened to catch my eye."


(oh shut up, and just forward it!)
LOL
Tar...

Subject: RE: BS: Smile For The Day
From: gnu
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 05:11 PM

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue? Ahhhhhh.....

Subject: RE: BS: Smile For The Day
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 05:16 PM

Someone is run over every 2 minutes in Britain... and he's getting bloody annoyed with it!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Smile For The Day
From: Bill D
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 05:19 PM

hmmmppf...there are a bunch of those that happen in the USA also.....you may have had the language first, but you don't have a corner on the foolishness market!

Subject: RE: BS: Smile For The Day
From: Pistachio
Date: 16 Sep 06 - 05:23 AM

Yes, this is making me smile....but I should really be getting on with the accounts, not sitting here avoiding everything...so I'll have to go...... PS if I knew how I'd forward a 'stress buster' 'power point' page of bubble wrap that 'pops' on screen when you cursor over it.   Love the British list Giok. Sad but true.
Keep smiling.

Subject: RE: BS: Smile For The Day
From: skipy
Date: 16 Sep 06 - 06:40 AM

Is it the same 3 Brits each year?
Skipy

Subject: RE: BS: Smile For The Day
From: Leadfingers
Date: 16 Sep 06 - 07:17 AM

Of Course it is Skipy - I thought they worked at WHFF !!

Subject: RE: BS: Smile For The Day
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Sep 06 - 11:40 PM

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 37. Now she is 67 and we have no idea where she is.

Subject: RE: BS: Smile For The Day
From: JennieG
Date: 17 Sep 06 - 01:48 AM

A couple are going out for a night on the town. They're all dolled up, ready to go; the lights left on, the dog put out.


But just as the taxi arrives and they step out of the house, the dog darts back inside and won't come out.


They don't want to leave the dog inside, so the husband goes upstairs to find it, while the wife goes to wait in the taxi.


Not wanting it known that the house will be empty, she explains to the driver that her husband had just gone "to say good-bye to my mother"...


A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab, and says:
"Sorry I took so long," he says. "Stupid bi*ch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat-hanger to get her to come out!


Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her as* downstairs and tossed her in the backyard! She'd better not sh*t in the vegetable garden again!".


The silence in the cab was deafening!

Subject: RE: BS: Smile For The Day
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 17 Sep 06 - 05:40 PM

A woman is driving along with her two young children in the car.

Suddenly, the window of the car in fromt is wound down and a dildo comes flying out, thrown by someone in the car, and hits the windscreen of the woman's car!

"What was that?" said her 10 year old son

Not wanting to explain the the lad, the Mum says, "It was an insect flying into the windscreen!"

The kid replies, "I'm surprised it could fly at all with a prick that big!!"

Subject: RE: BS: Smile For The Day
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 09:22 AM

Bunper sticker seen this morning - CHENEY/VOLDEMORT '08

Subject: RE: BS: Smile For The Day
From: Beer
Date: 19 Sep 06 - 06:50 AM

A Newfie saw a sign in a restaurant.


    It read:


"Happy hour special: Lobster Tail & Beer".


"Ah," he says to himself, " My t'ree favorite t'ings.

Subject: RE: BS: Smile For The Day
From: Becca72
Date: 21 Sep 06 - 09:17 AM

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he could not stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture, she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you".

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But, by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

Subject: RE: BS: Smile For The Day
From: Pistachio
Date: 22 Sep 06 - 06:41 AM

Cringeworthy!

Thanks for making me laugh out loud.
H.