BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Dead Horse
Date: 12 Jun 08 - 04:48 PM

Way I heard it, twas the blow-lamp that killed the bird while trying to get the old paint off!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mickey191
Date: 13 Jun 08 - 10:26 AM

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way, he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Wesley S
Date: 13 Jun 08 - 01:50 PM

Knock knock - who's there?
Knock knock - who's there?
Knock knock - who's there?
Knock knock - who's there?
Knock knock - who's there?
Knock knock - who's there?
Knock knock - who's there?
Knock knock - who's there?
Knock knock - who's there?
Knock knock - who's there?
Knock knock - who's there?
Knock knock - who's there?
Phillip Glass

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Jun 08 - 02:00 PM

?? 'Splain, Wes?

What did one tomato say to the other?








Catch up!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 13 Jun 08 - 02:16 PM

Oh No.....two tomatoes on a plate, which was the cowboy?

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Wesley S
Date: 13 Jun 08 - 02:19 PM

Phillip Glass is a composer - know for repetitive patterns. Some call it "Minimalist Music".

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe_F
Date: 13 Jun 08 - 09:59 PM

Q. When it's half of one & six dozen of the other, what do you have?

A. A gross discrepancy.

*

Q. Who was Aristotle's purple pupil?

A. Alexander the Grape.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: katlaughing
Date: 14 Jun 08 - 12:03 AM

And others just call it minimalist crap!**bg** Good one, Wesley!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: John O'L
Date: 14 Jun 08 - 01:08 AM

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and lose), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper on his pillow. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Jun 08 - 08:42 AM

A maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Maria, times are tough. I must make do on what my husband gives me. I'm not getting a raise. Tell me three reasons why you deserve one."

Maria says, "Well Senora, The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Your husband said so."

Wife: "I see."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Your husband did."

Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?!"

Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."

She got the raise.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Irene M
Date: 14 Jun 08 - 02:57 PM

The person who told this, swore it really happened.

Two farmers fell out over the ownership of a bit of land.

Come market day, one went to see a solicitor in town and explained about the dispute. He said he wanted legal representation to take the matter to the court. The solicitor said he was sorry, but he was already representing the other farmer, but could suggest another solicitor. He told the farmer to wait while a letter was written, to be given to the other solicitor.

It being market day, the farmer stopped in at the Cattle Mart Inn and had a few. He ran into the other farmer who had also had a few. Over a couple more, they sorted out their dispute and decided to see what the letter said, that the solicitor had written......

"Two fat hens have broken cover. You pluck one and I'll pluck t'other."

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 15 Jun 08 - 03:24 AM

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded....'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the f**kin' skippin'

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Jun 08 - 09:59 AM

"Bubba and the Shrink"

Bubba went to a psychiatrist.

"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so? And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!"

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Jun 08 - 10:05 AM

"Big Pill"

A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.

"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and guzzles down water until the pill clears his throat.

He hobbles back into the examining room.

The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Okay, after the tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least thirty minutes."

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: John O'L
Date: 15 Jun 08 - 07:48 PM

The Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: 'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers.'

'I see' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

'Well, Rabbi' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste' answered the Rabbi. 'We save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.'

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 15 Jun 08 - 08:48 PM

Have you ever wondered who Casper the Friendly Ghost was before he died?

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,CrazyEddie
Date: 16 Jun 08 - 04:55 PM

Wasn't he one of the Three Wise Men?

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 Jun 08 - 05:27 PM

He was Casper the friendly guy!! Of Course.....!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Jun 08 - 09:20 AM

OK, help me with this one, it came to me for no known reason.

Two redneck evergreens:

One: I want yew!
The other: What fir?

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Jun 08 - 09:38 AM

One could obviously end up pining for the other.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: RangerSteve
Date: 17 Jun 08 - 03:14 PM

Caspar is the same exact shape as Richie Rich. And you never see them together in the same comic book. Hope that answers your question, BWL.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Amos
Date: 20 Jun 08 - 06:52 PM

"he Guardian (UK) thought it would be enlightening (or at least fun)
to let their sports commentators write reviews of cultural events.
The funniest one is the golf columnist's review of a symphony concert
featuring pianist Yefim Bronfman. --Bob

The pianist Yefim Bronfman was born in Uzbekistan in 1958, moved to
Israel in 1973, and made his debut with the New York Philharmonic
five years later (at age 20). This made him something of a musical
boy wonder. The good news is that, 30 years later, he has become a
fully grown, middle-aged wonder. I know this because (a) his
biography in the concert programme tells me so, and (b) when this
concert ended the audience went (and I use the following word
advisedly) bonkers. This reaction shocked me, because I had no idea
that people who were into classical music were also into going
bonkers at the end of a performance. It was a bit like turning up at
St Andrews and seeing the crusty old gentlemen of the R&A
stage-diving after Tiger Woods holed a putt to win the Open.

I am loath to take issue with this visceral enthusiasm. These people
paid good money for their seats, and presumably they knew what they
were getting so excited about. Then again, this is my review, and it
is my opinion that counts -- even though my only previous experience
of classical music was an open-air performance of Mozart's Requiem in
Chicago's Grant Park on a sultry August night, the most memorable
moment of which came when one of my friends turned up with a case of
exceptionally cold beer.

Such philistinism notwithstanding, I am bound to say that the second
classical concert of my life wasn't as good as I thought it would be.
Yefim is a magnificent pianist, as far as I could tell. He played
with tremendous energy and enthusiasm, which is more than you can say
for most of the golfers I spend my working life watching. Even if he
did play any bum notes, which I am sure he didn't, they were lost in
an ocean of other notes.

The problem, at least to my cloth ears, is the music. Brahms' Piano
Concerto No. 1 in D minor, the centrepiece of an evening devoted to
the composer, has come to be seen as a masterpiece. But as it is
longer than three minutes and not as immediately catchy as, say, Be
My Baby by the Ronettes, it failed to hold my attention.

This is a terrible admission, no doubt. But in my defence, my
attention remained fixed, tangentially at least, on what was going on
inside the concert hall - which is to say I spent most of the night
pondering why it is I would much rather have spent it watching sport
- any sport. The answer, I think, is this: uncertainty. The essence
of sport, and therefore of sports writing, is the unscripted nature
of its narrative and the uncertainty of its outcome. Yefim Bronfman
is a genius, no doubt, but he didn't write his own script - Brahms
did - and the ending hasn't changed in the last 150 years, and won't
for another 150. Tiger Woods, on the other hand, writes a new
concerto every day, each one better than the last."

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Jun 08 - 09:07 PM

"Tax Advisor's Story"

The tax advisor had just read the story of
Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter
for the first time.

The little girl was fascinated by the story,
especially the part where the pumpkin turns
into a golden coach.

Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the
pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would
that be classified as regular income or a
long-term capital gain?"

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Jun 08 - 09:09 PM

"Favorite Drink"

One day a mother took her 6-year-old son with
her to visit a friend at work.

Everyone there knew her, and she was offered
a cup of coffee. That day, as one of the employees
went to make more coffee, her son followed her
and asked, "What are you doing?"

"I'm making your mom's favorite drink," she
answered.

Imagine the woman's shock when she heard
her son say, "Wow! You know how to make beer?"

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Jun 08 - 09:10 AM

One night our dog suddenly began barking
almost every night at around 3 a.m.

Irritated and sleepy, my husband, Larry, searched
the back yard for what might have disturbed this
otherwise peaceful animal.

For three days he found nothing amiss. When
the dog woke up the neighborhood a fourth night
at 3 a.m. with frantic barking Larry finally sneaked
around the house through the alley only to discover
our quiet neighbor, the last man you'd suspect of
wrongdoing, throwing pebbles over the fence at
the dog.

My husband demanded to know what he was
doing.

"My mother-in-law is visiting," the embarrassed
neighbor explained. "If she gets woken up in the
middle of the night one more time she says
she'll leave."

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Jun 08 - 09:10 AM

"Military protocol"

When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant
in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary
assistant in an administrative office in a Military
Intelligence unit.

One day a long memo came around with a cover
sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it
and initial it as indication of their compliance. I
figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed it.

BUT a few days later, it came back addressed
specifically to me. An attached note read: "You
are not permanently assigned to this unit and
are thus not an authorized signee. Please erase
your initials and initial your erasure."

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 22 Jun 08 - 08:34 PM

Continued in 4th Joke thread of 2008!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 22 Jun 08 - 09:47 PM

Hmmm... Your link points to a birthday thread from 1999.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 12:05 AM

Bad Joke, sorry - :-)

Try 4th Joke thread of 2008!

one of the numbers fell out...

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Peace
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 08:00 PM

Not the best joke so far, but pretty good.

---

Continued in 4th Joke thread of 2008!