BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009

Subject: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Susu's Hubby
Date: 17 May 09 - 03:47 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

---

1st one's gettin' a little long so here we go...

If you don't laugh, you're dead.

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to $h!t yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your a$$ cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.

It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.

In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. ; One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Sonofabitch!", then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager.

I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.

Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: GUEST,strad
Date: 17 May 09 - 04:44 PM

I pee'd myself laughing at that! Memories........

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 May 09 - 04:53 PM

ENLIGHTENED!

I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word 'service'.
    Internal Revenue 'Service'
    U.S. Postal 'Service'
    Telephone 'Service'
    Cable 'Service'
    Civil 'Service'
    Customer 'Service'
    State, City & County Public 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.   BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.

I hope you are now as enlightened as I.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 May 09 - 10:10 PM

The Economy Is So Bad...

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Jewish women are marrying for love.

Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.
Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package:
GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.

McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Motel Six won't leave the light on. (Now, this is serious)

The Mafia is laying off judges.

And finally...

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.
Hey, neat...the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated
by the people who made $750 billion disappear.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Sooz
Date: 20 May 09 - 02:57 PM

Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math's test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" Paddy says? "Dat's easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says Paddy.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.... "Ere ye go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire Paddy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dere ye go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog came along and took a shoite at de bottom each tree.

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes... ONE HUNDRED!"

Paddy is the new supervisor.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Susu's Hubby
Date: 20 May 09 - 08:10 PM

A little girl walks in to the bathroom one Sunday morning while her Dad is sitting on the stool reading the paper.

"Where does poo come from?" she asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:

"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our butts when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."

The little girl looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: "And Tigger?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Susu's Hubby
Date: 20 May 09 - 08:17 PM

A man goes to the dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth.
The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."
"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient.

To which the dentist replies,























"It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 May 09 - 06:51 PM

"Diplomacy Is A Perilous Job"

Henry VIII, a bluff and hearty but pathologically
tyrannical king (especially in his later years),
appointed an ambassador to France at a time
when relations between the kingdoms were
poor indeed.

The ambassador was a reluctant one, particularly
because of the truculent nature of the message
he was to carry. "Your Majesty," he said diffidently,
"King Francis will be perfectly capable of removing
my head on receipt of a message so phrased."

"Fear not," said Henry. "Francis well knows that if
he were to behead my ambassador, the head of
every Frenchman in my dominions would be removed
within twenty-four hours."

"I am sure of that, sire," murmured the ambassador,
"but consider that, among all those French heads,
not one will be found to fit my shoulders."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: heric
Date: 21 May 09 - 08:14 PM

I took a friend out to lunch today and pointed out that they had tongue on the menu. She said Eww please, I'm not going to eat something that came out of a cow's mouth. I'll just have an egg salad sandwich.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Peace
Date: 23 May 09 - 12:13 AM

This is priceless.


From what I understand (this was sent to me by a friend who knows I was an English teacher for years and also a firefighter), this ad was released and all the way gone before it was stopped. Seems an ESL person either did the caption. Best be aware of language usage when ya do these things.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: GUEST,Peace
Date: 23 May 09 - 02:25 AM

. . . either did the caption or allowed it to pass inspection.

(Speaking of ESL . . . .)

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 May 09 - 12:59 PM

OOOOH!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 May 09 - 10:16 AM

"Two Monsters At Sea"

Two sea monsters were swimming around in the
ocean, looking for something to do. They came
up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes.
Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the
ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship.

A little while later, they came up to another ship,
again hauling potatoes. Bob again capsizes the
ship and eats everything on board.

The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes
and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything.

Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep
tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating
everything on board?"

Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help
myself once I start..... Everyone knows you can't
eat just one potato ship."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: severed-head
Date: 25 May 09 - 03:50 AM

Feeling down??

Fed up???

Need cheering up???

Well here's the answer....................


Watch your wedding video backwards, you'll love the bit where she takes the ring off, walks out of the church jumps in the car and f**ks off!!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: severed-head
Date: 25 May 09 - 03:56 AM

A gypsy wedding in Ireland ends in a riot, police arrest 20 and they end up in court. Best Man says to the judge "Can I explain what happened? Its tradition for the Best Man to have the first dance with the bride, which I did. I was dancing real close, the groom runs at us and kicks his bride in the fanny!"
"Gosh" says the judge "that must of been sore"
"Sore??", he broke 3 of me fingers!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Susu's Hubby
Date: 25 May 09 - 05:20 PM

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Susu's Hubby
Date: 25 May 09 - 05:20 PM

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?













About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 May 09 - 06:37 PM

Rather be an OUTLAW than an INLAW.... Outlaws are wanted!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: jonm
Date: 26 May 09 - 03:01 AM

.... and of course "mother-in-law" is an anagram of "woman Hitler"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Michael
Date: 26 May 09 - 06:31 AM

Adjacent threads:-

BS: whats wrong with ukip [UK Independence Party]   
BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009

Well, it amused me.
Mike

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Joe_F
Date: 26 May 09 - 08:38 PM

Why is it better to fall into a vat of concentrated sulfuric acid than into a vat of molten optical glass?

It is commendable to be part of the solution, but there is no point in making a spectacle of yourself.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 26 May 09 - 09:15 PM

The Women's Historical Society located Tom Dooley's gravesite and sought permission to have his body exhumed.

They wanted to know how he was hung.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Joe_F
Date: 27 May 09 - 09:11 PM

A true story I just heard: A then young lady, ca. 1960, found herself in the company of leftist folkies (yes, there are other kinds). She naively asked why she hadn't heard much of Burl Ives recently. There was a dead silence, after which a gentleman explained:

"He sang."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: 3refs
Date: 28 May 09 - 08:52 AM

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While they were still watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son....."Go get your mother."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 29 May 09 - 12:48 AM

Medieval Helpdesk
(Norwegian video with English subtitles)

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 30 May 09 - 07:49 AM

This one cribbed from a Tony Hillerman novel:
Two Navaho kids caught a dragonfly. Dragonfly offered them a wish if they let it free.
On kid asked to be the smartest man on earth. The other (smartarse) asked to be smarter than the smartest man on earth.
.........
Th dragonfly turned him into a girl.


RtS

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 May 09 - 09:25 AM

"Kansas Cyclone"

A Kansas cyclone hit a farmhouse just before
dawn one morning. It lifted the roof off, picked
up the beds on which the farmer and his wife
slept, and set them down gently in the next
county.

The wife began to cry.

"Don't be scared, Mary," her husband said.
"We're not hurt."

Mary continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she
responded between sobs. "I'm happy 'cause
this is the first time in fourteen years we've been out
together."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: GUEST,susu's hubby
Date: 31 May 09 - 08:18 PM

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, therefore saving money.

They will be known as the TAMPACKS.



Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: GUEST,susu's hubby
Date: 01 Jun 09 - 01:44 AM

... Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University ...

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.






Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Jun 09 - 05:08 PM

"Priest's Retirement Dinner"

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner
after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician
and member of the congregation was chosen to make
the presentation and to give a little speech at the
dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to
say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first
confession I heard here. I thought I had been
assigned to a terrible place. The very first person
who entered my confessional told me he had stolen
a television set and, when questioned by the police,
was able to lie his way out of it.

"He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled
from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife,
taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was
appalled.

"But as the days went on I learned that my people
were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to
a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician
arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately
began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,"
said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being
the first person to go to him for confession."


Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: GUEST,Susu's Hubby
Date: 02 Jun 09 - 08:36 AM

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says,

"Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Jun 09 - 09:35 AM

"Dad's Baldness"

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning
and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy,
why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he
asked his mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with
herself for coming up with a good answer to her
husband's baldness.

Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and
asked, "So why do you have so much hair?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Jun 09 - 05:50 PM

"The Waiter's Ghost"

Six months after the waiter died, his widow
went to see a medium, who promised she
would contact the dead man.

During the seance, the widow was sure she
saw her husband standing in the corner,
dressed in his waiter's outfit.

"Arnold!" she cried. "Come closer and speak
to me!"

A hoarse voice from the corner wailed, "I can't.
It's not my table."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: GUEST,susu's hubby
Date: 03 Jun 09 - 08:24 AM

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.



Women reading this will be finished now.





Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: GUEST,Susu's Hubby
Date: 03 Jun 09 - 08:37 AM

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."


"I am entering!" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"

"First Place!" said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman. After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio enters.

After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is this Nancy Pelosi?" asked Pinocchio.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: GUEST,Susu's Hubby
Date: 03 Jun 09 - 08:47 AM

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large Plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once In a
while
a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20
Bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and
See if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that Money?
"You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right Next
to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans Come
and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand Behind the
fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his Thing
through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the
Way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", "not everybody pays".

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: SPB-Cooperator
Date: 04 Jun 09 - 06:44 AM

Q: Why was the soldier late for the battle?
A: He couldn't find his khakies.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: GUEST,Susu's Hubby
Date: 06 Jun 09 - 12:54 AM

Email Warning! -

If you get an e-mail with 'Nude Photos of Sarah Palin' in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain a virus.

If you get an e-mail with 'Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton,' do not open it.

It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: theman
Date: 06 Jun 09 - 03:44 PM

An Army ROTC cadet was kept out of Airborne School because of bad grades, his grandfather was confused. "Wait a minute," he saidto his grandson. "You're telling me that these days you have to be smart to jump out of an airplane?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 Jun 09 - 10:06 PM

It was the first day of class, and the first-grade teacher wanted to see what sort of pupils she had on her hands. So she gave a little quiz:

1. What do you want to be when you grow up?
2. What is 1+1?

She got back the following papers:

1. A schoolteacher.
2. 2.

1. A computer programmer.
2. 10 in binary; 2 in octal, decimal, or hex.

1. A physicist.
2. You haven't told me how accurately those 1's were measured.

1. A mathematician.
2. 2, unless you are working in a field of characteristic 0.

1. An accountant.
2. What answer do you want?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Jun 09 - 02:41 PM

"Dear Potential Investor"

I know you are always looking for sound opportunities
for investment.

I don't know if you would be interested in this,
but I thought I would mention it to you because
it could be a real "sleeper" in making a lot of
money with very little investment.

A group of us are considering investing in a large
cat ranch near Hermosille, Mexico. It is our
purpose to start rather small, with about one
million cats. Each cat averages about twelve
kittens each year; skins can be sold for about
20 cents for the white ones and up to 40 cents
for the black. This will give us 12 million cat
skins per year to sell at an average price of
around 32 cents, making our revenues about $3
million a year. This really averages out to $10
thousand a day - excluding Sundays and holidays.

A good Mexican cat man can skin about 50 cats
per day at a wage of $3.15 a day. It will only take
663 men to operate the ranch so the net profit
would be over $8,200 per day.

Now, the cats would be fed on rats exclusively.
Rats multiply four times as fast as cats. We
would start a rat ranch adjacent to our cat farm. If
we start with a million rats, we will have four rats
per cat each day. The rats will be fed on the
carcasses of the cats that we skin. This will give
each rat a quarter of a cat. You can see by this
that this business is a clean operation -- self-
supporting and really automatic throughout. The
cats will eat the rats and the rats will eat the cats
and we will get the skins.

Let me know if you are interested; as you can
imagine, I am rather particular who I want to get
into this, and want the fewest investors possible.

Eventually, it is my hope to cross the cats with
snakes, for they will skin themselves twice a
year! This would save the labor costs of skinning
as well as give me two skins for one cat.

May I hear from you at your earliest opportunity?

Sincerely,

The CatWoman

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Keith A of Hertford
Date: 09 Jun 09 - 09:47 AM

> "John was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
>
> He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
>
> After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for its house.
>
> He took the box home, found a good location for it, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub for a drink.
>
> So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to the pub with me and have a beer?'
>
> Silence; there was no answer from his new pet.
>
> This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few moments and asked again, 'How about going to the pub and having a beer with me?'
>
> Again there was no answer, nothing but silence from his new friend and pet.
>
> So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
>
> He decided to ask him one more time. Thinking that centipedes may have poor hearing he put his face up close to the centipede's house and shouted,
>
> 'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the pub and have a beer with me?
>
> A little voice came out of the box:
>
> 'I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!' "
>

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Jun 09 - 02:08 PM

A C-130 "Hercules" cargo plane, an Air Force workhorse since 1954, was flying over the Persian Gulf on a mission when a cocky pilot in an F-16 "Fighting Falcon" fighter flew up next to him.

The fighter jock got on the radio and told the C-130 pilot, "Watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that.

The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes, and then the C-130 pilot came back on the radio and said, "What did you think of that?"

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "I didn't see anything. What the hell did you do?"

The C-130 pilot chuckled, "I stood up, stretched my legs, went to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a sweet roll."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Jun 09 - 02:12 PM

The Theory of Banking or How Banks Make Money

Q: What are banks for?
A: To make money.

Q: For the customers?
A: For the banks.

Q: Why doesn't bank advertising mention this?
A: It would not be in good taste. But it is mentioned by implication in references to reserves of $249,000,000,000 or thereabouts. That is the money they have made.

Q: Out of the customers?
A: I suppose so.

Q: They also mention Assets of $500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. Have they made that too?
A: Not exactly. That is the money they use to make money.

Q: I see. And they keep it in a safe somewhere?
A: Not at all. They lend it to customers.

Q: Then they haven't got it?
A: No.

Q: Then how is it Assets?
A: They maintain that it would be if they got it back.

Q: But they must have some money in a safe somewhere?
A: Yes, usually $500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. This is called Liabilities.

Q: But if they've got it, how can they be liable for it?
A: Because it isn't theirs.

Q: Then why do they have it?
A: It has been lent to them by customers.

Q: You mean customers lend banks money?
A: In effect. They put money into their accounts, so it is really lent to the banks.

Q: And what do the banks do with it?
A: Lend it to other customers.

Q: But you said that money they lent to other people was Assets?
A: Yes.

Q: Then Assets and Liabilities must be the same thing?
A: You can't really say that.

Q: But you've just said it! If I put $100 into my account the bank is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Liabilities. But they go and lend it to someone else and he is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Assets. It's the same $100 isn't it?
A: Yes, but....

Q: Then it cancels out. It means, doesn't it, that banks haven't really any money at all?
A: Theoretically....

Q: Never mind theoretically! And if they haven't any money, where do they get their Reserves of $249,000,000,000 or thereabouts??
A: I told you. That is the money they have made.

Q: How?
A: Well, when they lend your $100 to someone they charge him interest.

Q: How much?
A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say five and a-half percent. That's their profit.

Q: Why isn't it my profit? Isn't it my money?
A: It's the theory of banking practice that....

Q: When I lend them my $100 why don't I charge them interest?
A: You do.

Q: You don't say. How much?
A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say a half percent.

Q: Grasping of me, rather?
A: But that's only if you're not going to draw the money out again.

Q: But of course I'm going to draw the money out again! If I hadn't wanted to draw it out again I could have buried it in the garden!
A: They wouldn't like you to draw it out again.

Q: Why not? If I keep it there you say it's a Liability. Wouldn't they be glad if I reduced their Liabilities by removing it?
A: No. Because if you remove it they can't lend it to anyone else.

Q: But if I wanted to remove it they'd have to let me?
A: Certainly.

Q: But suppose they've already lent it to another customer?
A: Then they'll let you have some other customer's money.

Q: But suppose he wants his too... and they've already let me have it?
A: You're being purposely obtuse.

Q: I think I'm being acute. What if everyone wanted their money all at once?
A: It's the theory of banking practice that they never would.

Q: So what banks bank on, is not having to meet their commitments?
A. YOU GOT IT!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Jun 09 - 09:38 AM

"Mother's Milk"

Office Memo:

"Whoever used the milk in the small plastic
container that was in the refrigerator yesterday,
please do NOT own up to it.

I would find it forever after difficult to meet your
gaze across a cafeteria table whilst having a
discussion about java applets or brand identity.

Just be aware that that milk was EXPRESSLY for
my baby, if you get my drift. I will label these
things from now on, but if you found your coffee
tasted just a little bit unusual this morning, you
might think about calling your mom and telling
her you love her."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: HuwG
Date: 16 Jun 09 - 05:19 AM

Uncle DaveO, your joke above (re the fighter and the transport aircraft) is reminiscent of one which was doing the rounds when the United States Air Force had adopted the single-engined F16 and the United States Navy and the US Marines had adopted the twin-engined F18.

A USAF pilot and a USN / USMC (delete to choice) pilot were on a transit flight. One asked the other, "Can your plane do this?" and for several minutes, the two performed a series of manoeuvres. Finally, the F18 pilot said, "OK. Now match this."

Nothing appeared to happen, the F18 continued to fly straight and level. The F16 pilot said, "What did you do?"

"I just shut down one engine" replied the other.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Jun 09 - 12:34 PM

"Causes of Arthritis"

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a
subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was
stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out
of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned
to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what
causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and
a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered,
returning to his paper. The priest, thinking
about what he had said, nudged the man
and apologized.

"I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so
strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading
here that the Pope does."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Jun 09 - 11:39 AM

"Pronunciation"

I love this one! How could you keep a straight face
if someone with a straight face told you this was
the pronunciation?! OMG!!

How would you pronounce a name spelled: "Le-a"

SCHOOL TEACHERS (especially), I BET YOU
THOUGHT YOU HAD HEARD AND SEEN IT ALL!!

How would you pronounce this child's name? Le-a
(written just like that)

Leah?? NO

Lee - A?? NOPE

Lay - a?? NO

Lei?? Guess Again

It's pronounced 'Ledasha'. Oh yes... you read
it right.

This child attends a school in Livingston Parish,
LA.

Her mother is irate because everyone is getting
her name wrong.

SO, if you see something come across your desk
like this, please remember to pronounce it correctly.

When the mother was asked about the pronunciation
of the name, she said,

"The dash don't be silent."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Jun 09 - 11:47 AM

"Blind Date"

After being with his blind date all evening, the
man couldn't take another minute with her.

Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a
friend call him to the phone so he would have
an excuse to leave if something like this
happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered
his eyes, put on a grim expression and said,
"I have some bad news. My grandfather just
died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours
hadn't, mine would have had to!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Jun 09 - 11:30 AM

"Government Planning"

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
    Washington, D.C.

    Dear Sir;

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received
a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising
hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs"
business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the
best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the
best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that
I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental
policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that
is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly
not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in
keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I
haven't raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the
business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so,
and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1998,
until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not
raising hogs.

If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for
not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale
at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not
raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year.
Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat
100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay
farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for
payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the
4000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so
send me any information you have on that too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will
be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment
and food stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

                                  Patriotically Yours,
                                  The Farmer

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute
more free cheese.