BS: History of England - Part 2

Subject: BS: History of England - Part 2
From: Bert
Date: 18 Aug 06 - 03:49 PM

Well now where did I leave off?

Ah yes we'd just done building our chicken houses and nobody knew what they were.

Also they didn't know how we moved the stones and crazy theories from rafts to giants have been proposed.

Well actually, we just picked the damned things up and carried them. Not like Obelisk in the Asteryx cartoons, no one person could carry one they are too darned heavy.

So a lot of us joined together to do it. We put a lot of logs under them and, with several blokes on each end of each log, we just picked them up and walked with them.

It took as a few tries to get organised because we kept tripping over each other. Then someone came up with the idea that if we kept in step then we wouldn't tangle up.

So off we went Huuuup, Left, Right, Left, Right. Actually we used our own words for left and right, which were Hay and Hi. And to this day you can hear soldiers at Aldershot using these very words, Hay, Hi, Hay, Hi, Hay, Hi, Hayeee!

We couldn't carry them very far before we had to stop and take a break. We had about twenty breaks every day and we'd all gorge ourselves on cheese sandwiches (Long before the famous Earl claimed to have invented them) and scrumpy.

Now in those days cheese was mined at a local place named Cheddar. Of course, with all of us guys, moving all of those stones, and taking all of those breaks, we ate an awful lot of cheese. Finally we exhausted the Cheddar mine and nothing was left except this bloody great hole in the ground.

As we had gorged ourselves on it's contents, this hole was named Cheddar Gorge.

But with all the cheese gone, we had to come up with a substitute, and they started making this stuff from sour milk, which they now call cheese. It doesn't taste as good as the real stuff used to.

Aaah, those were the days!

Subject: RE: BS: History of England - Part 2
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Aug 06 - 04:34 PM

Obelix picked up obelisks and menhirs and carried them from place to place AND threw them at the Romans. Maybe the Wimps Of Britain couldn't do it, but the Teutons and the Gauls could. Of course, the Brits didn't have Panoramix (Eng.: Getafix) to create the potion.

Subject: RE: BS: History of England - Part 2
From: Bert
Date: 18 Aug 06 - 06:36 PM

This was before the Romans and menhirs were larger then.

Subject: RE: BS: History of England - Part 2
From: Les from Hull
Date: 18 Aug 06 - 06:59 PM

Yer, them the Gauls chucked around - we'd 'a' called 'em boyhirs.

Subject: RE: BS: History of England - Part 2
From: Janie
Date: 18 Aug 06 - 10:40 PM

The Teutons were so called due to their great strength. It was said an average man from this ancient race could pick up two tons and carry it a mile or more. They were big, brainless louts of men, however, (which may be why they were annihilated so easily by the Romans after migrating to Gaul.) It was very easy for the Wimps of Britain to con them into lugging all those big stones around.

The Gauls, while not real bright themselves, were not so gullible. And they were cunning. After-all, they had managed to talk the Romans into wiping out the Teutons and leaving the home boys alone. What they also had, in addition to strength, was lots of gall. The Wimps of Britain were not able to manipulate them into doing their bidding as easily. No sir! Those Gauls wanted more than cheese. So the Wimps introduced them to sheep.

Subject: RE: BS: History of England - Part 2
From: Janie
Date: 18 Aug 06 - 10:42 PM

Mutton-I meant to say mutton!

Subject: RE: BS: History of England - Part 2
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 19 Aug 06 - 07:37 AM

That's still a sheepish thing to do.

Subject: RE: BS: History of England - Part 2
From: Bert
Date: 22 Aug 06 - 01:57 AM

Oh well, if yer all still talking about them Romans, I guess we can skip forward a couple of thousand years.

When Ol' Julius arrived the lying bastard said "Veni, vidi, vici". 'Corse it weren't true. We 'ad sent along a welcoming committee to greet his boat and 'e just went and beat the shit out ov 'em, 'e only got away wiv it 'cos they was all old farts dressed up in robes. If they'd a bin warriors in their woad, 'e wouldna stood a chance.

Then 'e made 'is famous statement and buggered off back 'ome. It took them Romans over a hundred years of searching orl over their bloody Empire before they came up with enough soldiers to really beat us.

Subject: RE: BS: History of England - Part 2
From: Paul Burke
Date: 22 Aug 06 - 03:23 AM

If Asterix and that lot had been drugs tested, the whole Gaulish race would have been banned. Even in Asterix in Britain, the Brits beat the Romans WITHOUT magic potion.

"Veni, vidi, vici" - translates roughly as "Goddesses, empty things and shanty towns" I think.

Subject: RE: BS: History of England - Part 2
From: GUEST
Date: 22 Aug 06 - 03:31 AM

Well, they never really did defeat all of us. For example in my own valley there wasn't a single pizza joint here until the 20th century. Why? It's simple. The steep sided valley was full of swamp and nasty animals, and the hilltops were full of nasty locals and lots of boulders which could easily be rolled down on incoming latins and their Gallic mates. The nasty animals seem to have died out now, but we kept the boulders handy till the end of the Cold War.

Subject: RE: BS: History of England - Part 2
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 22 Aug 06 - 03:41 AM

I think I can beat that... no pizza joint ever got to Dorchester (big Roman town.. you'd think they'd do better) until the late 20th Century.... 1989 to be exact. AND they were crappy pizzas.

The only reason I can think of would be the problems on the road... dreadful earthworks at Avebury, ox carts nose to tail all down the Chanterbury ring road.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: History of England - Part 2
From: Janie
Date: 22 Aug 06 - 06:29 PM

The Wimps were a very ancient peoples who predated the Romans, Gauls and Teutons in Britain by at least 2000 years. There is archological evidence of their presence that even predates the Picts and Chuffles. (Incidently, those two tribes, noted for their skill at mining, developed the technology that led to the full exploitation of the cheese at Cheddar Gorge. The Wimps paid them handsomely for that.)
    Once the Cheddar was exhausted, it was the Wimps who developed the sour milk based substitute that is called cheese in modern times. It took several generations to develop anything that resembled the Cheddar in taste. The first cheeses they produced were white and much softer than either the mined Cheddar or the later milk cheddar. For reasons unknown to us today, they called that first cheese 'mozzarella' and it most likely was made from sheep milk, cows not having yet been introduced to the British Isles.
    The name by which the Wimps called themselves has, most unfortunately, been lost to history. The name 'Wimp" derives from the name they were called by the Picts, and is of very complex origin. The Wimps were noted for their prophets. (And profits, but that's only tangentially related to this history.) They had a prophet King who predicted that one day people called Romans would invade their land, steal the recipe for mozzarella cheese, take it back to Rome and claim it as their own invention. Had it not been for the prophecy, the Wimps still extant at the time of the Roman invasion could not have cared less--they thought mozzarella to be an inferior cheese.   
    The King also foresaw that the decendants of the Romans would come to be called Italians. Gazing into the smoke one night, he saw boatloads of Italians sail across the great ocean to a new land called the Eastern Seaboard of the USA. They took their stolen mozzarella recipe with them, not to mention directions on how to make pepperoni and some of the most marvelous tomato sauces ever. After 5 years, they became Italian-Americans, and in their new land, came up with the creation now called pizza pie. It caught on quickly in North America and spread rapidly throughout Western Europe, all except parts of Britian, where they still didn't much care for mozzarella cheese.
    When the king awoke from his trance he ran out to the edge of the Cheddar Gorge and loudly proclaimed his vision. The Picts began calling the king and his tribe Wthiamppamiaotp, which stands for 'will the Italian-Americans make pizza pie and market it all over the place.' The name was unpronouncable by anyone other than the Picts, so it was soon shortened to 'the Wimps of Britain.'

Subject: RE: BS: History of England - Part 2
From: Janie
Date: 22 Aug 06 - 07:26 PM

Some parts of the Wimp king's prophecy have proven remarkably accurate, especially with regard to the successful marketing of pizza. Given the Wimps were noted themselves for their commerce, that is not surprising.   Other parts, alas, were not. He failed to give old world Italians their due regarding the creation of pizza. This is understandable given the non-linear nature of visions. He probably misinterpreted some of what he saw regarding tomatoes, and wrongly concluded that pizza originated in the new world. Here is a definitive piece on the origin of pizza. . Please note that while pizza is an old Italian staple, it's current form did not evolve until tomatoes were discovered in the new world and imported back to Italy.

Subject: RE: BS: History of England - Part 2
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Aug 06 - 04:00 AM

Recent boulder defence maintenance work in the valley (a consequence of the current War on Terror) revealed the existence (in this neck of the woods anyway) of a high civilisation which predates the Wimps by several thousand years. Wimp artefacts have always been scarce here (probably for the same reason as the lack of Roman stuff) but experts are closely examining finds of early glass shards, mummified barley husks and strange metal dishes with indentations around the rim. The dishes are marked with characters, some obliterated, and the race is on to decrypt the mysterious legend "G*in**s". Watch this space.

Subject: RE: BS: History of England - Part 2
From: Grab
Date: 23 Aug 06 - 07:15 AM

Remember the reason the Gauls lost against the Romans? They just couldn't get enough blokes on their side. The recruiters went round saying "you fighting for Vercengetorix or Caesar?" And all the Gauls said "Oh, I'm fighting for Versa.... Virget... Vercet... Bugger it, I'm fighting for Caesar!"

Subject: RE: BS: History of England - Part 2
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 23 Aug 06 - 07:54 AM

Whereas the Romans just impressed the locals!

Subject: RE: BS: History of England - Part 2
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Aug 06 - 12:35 PM

Doesn't look like any of the locals here were impressed, either way you care to read it. They weren't coerced into military service, neither did the admire Fiats (automotive or dictative).

Subject: RE: BS: History of England - Part 2
From: Bert
Date: 23 Aug 06 - 02:09 PM

'corse, the only reason they invented Pizza was 'cos they 'adn't tasted a good Cornish Pasty.

Subject: RE: BS: History of England - Part 2
From: Shanghaiceltic
Date: 24 Aug 06 - 01:10 AM

Did the Romans get down as far as Cornwall? If they had done then the whole of culinary history might have changed. We would have Oggieland instead of Pizzaland on the high streets, cider would be have been improved even beyond the great stuff it is today.

And the reply to Veni, Vidi, Vici would have been 'Up your transom me 'ansome'

Subject: RE: BS: History of England - Part 2
From: Bert
Date: 24 Aug 06 - 01:39 AM

Did the Romans get down as far as Cornwall?... 'Corse they did, one of the main reasons the came was for the tin. But seeing as you can't eat tin (Don't taste as good as cheese - a bit tinny) they didn't exhaust the mines there and we don't have tin made from cows milk.

And CAN cider be improved ('specially scrumpy)? I doubt it.

Subject: RE: BS: History of England - Part 2
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Aug 06 - 06:31 AM

They can't make it any worse... even when they leave the dog out...

Subject: RE: BS: History of England - Part 2
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 24 Aug 06 - 03:03 PM

What about tinned cow's milk? Was that a cheesy attempt at something else?