Punch the Horse in September

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: The DeanMeister
Date: 15 Sep 03 - 09:58 AM

Skipjack, I've been selling them for 14 years, and even I don't understand them. You must be a better man than I.

Noreen, payment terms strictly 30 days. For the photocopier as well... x

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: KJ
Date: 15 Sep 03 - 10:43 AM

Nice one SP
Linger now with me,thou Beauty,on the sharp archaic shore.
Surely 'tis a wasterl's duty and the gods could ask no more.
If thou lingerest when I linger, if thou tread'st the stone i treas,
Thou wilt stay my spirit's hunger and dispel the dreams I dread.

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: Raggytash
Date: 15 Sep 03 - 11:58 AM

Nowt wrong with a bit of lingerie I say, know what I mean, nudge, nudge

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: smallpiper
Date: 15 Sep 03 - 12:25 PM

Hey remember friday is International Talk Like a Pirate Day - I hope you've all been practicing me hearties arrrr!


Oaklet ... no need to worry about me mate like I was saying....What for instance, was that sacklike monster , that snoring hummock, that deadweight of disjointed horror? Vile and brutish it looked as it lay curled like a black dog on the professor's desk; but what was it? One would say it was dead, for it was as heavy as death and as motionless; but there was a sound of stifled snoring coming from it, with the occasional whistle as of wind through jagged glass.

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: ossonflags
Date: 15 Sep 03 - 12:47 PM

If any one is mildly intrested, PTH will be playing at the "Durty Nellies" High Street Hull this Saturday night.

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: Willa
Date: 15 Sep 03 - 02:20 PM

Ah, now I've got it; it's that new set of pipes, SP!

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: smallpiper
Date: 15 Sep 03 - 05:14 PM

Good ho Osson - I hope to be back in time for the gig from otley.

wrong Willa hehehe!

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: KJ
Date: 15 Sep 03 - 07:27 PM

Hello SP
Do you want your glory ruined by a makeshift and ridiculous pair of bright yellow sit-upons? Do you want to be the laughing stock of the castle, all over again, because you were too impateint?

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: KJ
Date: 15 Sep 03 - 07:28 PM

correction 'impatient'

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: KJ
Date: 15 Sep 03 - 07:30 PM

PS If someone chips in with TITUS ALONE we'll have the whole set!!!

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: smallpiper
Date: 15 Sep 03 - 07:36 PM

Ah KJ we need more than that keep it going!

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: GUEST,One who must remain nameless...
Date: 16 Sep 03 - 12:06 AM

In Cottingham Road by Chanterlands
I spied a damsel fair
With rosy cheeks and ruby lips
And ribbons in her hair
Said I, "Must be an angel that's
Descended from on high
To walk these fabled roads alone
Beneath the autumn sky."

I thought perchance to speak with her
And ask from where she came
And what could be her heritage
Her purpose and her name
Made bold, I ambled up to her
And did my hat remove
To show a gallant style of which
I hoped she would approve

"Young man," she said, "you'd best be off
lest you should catch a cold,
For damp's the heath in Chanterlands,
And stories have been told
Of lads who perished in the dew
While hunting bonny quail
Because their coats got soggy through
Which warmth could not avail."

"Oh, no," I cried, "For I am made
Of sterner stuff than that!"
"Indeed?" said she, "But list to me
And put back on your hat.
For on your pate I cannot help
But spy the shiny spot
Upon which is emblazoned
"Neath here stands a drunken sot!"

"What say you?" and I gasped in shock
She said, "It's plain to see
Some rascal's played a joke on you!
Here, look at this, prithee."
She held a pocket mirror up
And in its light I saw
The shiny spot that did declare
That message...'twas nae braw!

"My God!" I cried, "Some vile affront
This is, I'm sorely vexed!"
Said she, "You've kept bad company, I fear,
First drink and next,
A slow descent into depravity
And common vice
May soon deprive you of your health,
So take my good advice..."

"Eschew the company of scoundrels,
Scamps and libertines,
Peruse instead the classics
And subscribe to magazines
That honour art and culture
And the noble spirit's call
And most of all, avoid the poems
Of Malcolm Buggeroll!"

"That name!" I shrieked, "I might have known!
'Twas just on Friday last
When he and I did share a drink...or two...
And brief repast
That villian's had a joke on me
And shaved my head in jest!
And on it painted slanderous words
To rob me of my rest!"

So off I stumbled, red in face,
In shame I did retreat
But I shall find that Scottish swine
And mercillessly beat
Him to a pulp for causing me
Such sharp embarrassment
Before that splendid damsel
She is gone now, I lament!

In Cottingham Road by Chanterlands
There was a damsel fair
With rosy cheeks and ruby lips
And ribbons in her hair
Now nevermore her shall I see
And wretched is my fate
For Ms Penelope Rutledge has
Returned to Twillingsgate!

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: smallpiper
Date: 16 Sep 03 - 04:01 AM

Rapturous applause!

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: The DeanMeister
Date: 16 Sep 03 - 04:45 AM

Fantastic!

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: KJ
Date: 16 Sep 03 - 04:58 AM

That was good that.

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: GUEST,ossonflags
Date: 16 Sep 03 - 07:55 AM

Was'nt to bad .......... for a fiddle player.

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: GUEST,Skipjack K8
Date: 16 Sep 03 - 07:55 AM

I cried

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: Noreen
Date: 16 Sep 03 - 08:27 AM

*sigh*
...what a sad story.

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: Oaklet
Date: 16 Sep 03 - 09:11 AM

I wet myself and went to stare longingly at my statue for an hour. Only then did I change my clothes.

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: KJ
Date: 16 Sep 03 - 02:52 PM

Ah, Oaklet me dear you need an 'artificial sphincter device',a devilishly clever little thing that is put in place through a very simple 3 to 4 inch incision between the scrotum and rectum. After entering the deep structure of the perineum the urethra is found and is circumscribed for approximately 1 ½ to 2 inches.

A doughnut-like cuff is then placed around the urethra at its proximal bulbar portion. This is attached to a pump mechanism placed in the scrotal compartment next to the testicle.In addition, the pump is attached to a small cylinder holding 25 cc of salt water that is placed through the same incision retroperitoneal and above the pubic bone. This reservoir pushes fluid into the cuff around the urethra compressing these structures and acting as an artificial sphincter or valve.

As the bladder fills and the patient develops an urge to void compression two or three times of the pump mechanism in the scrotum pushes the fluid that is compressing the urethra in the cuff back into the reservoir such that the patient has 2 ½ to 3 minutes to void and empty his bladder. As soon as voiding is complete the reservoir by virtue of its pressure and elasticity pushes fluid, 1into the donut cuff compressing the urethra or bladder neck and again giving urinary control until the next voiding sensation.

This procedure can be done my most qualified, experienced urological surgeons or if you don't want to wait for ever on a waiting list, I don't mind giving it a go, it can't be that difficult!!

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: Oaklet
Date: 16 Sep 03 - 04:09 PM

I am just having a go myself, KJ. I find that I have to chew a shit-load of Ibuprofen to attempt the sphincter thing. Is this normal?

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Sep 03 - 07:59 PM

While we're at it, is there a cure for larch berries?

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Sep 03 - 09:59 PM

Hmm. Didn't think so. I guess it's curtains for the chimp.

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: smallpiper
Date: 17 Sep 03 - 05:02 AM

LH I'm sure KJ will be reseaching the cure as we speak.


How did the DIY surgery go Oaklet - Did the Ibu keep the pain away? I'm curious as I am planning a DIY labotomy in the not to distant future.

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: smallpiper
Date: 17 Sep 03 - 05:08 AM

Belay that last one.... (sigh) the trouble with DIY labotomy's is you forget when you've already done one.

And Oaklet stop playing with the pump ... people will talk!

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: Raggytash
Date: 17 Sep 03 - 05:11 AM

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal labotomy

Or did I already say that ???????

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: The DeanMeister
Date: 17 Sep 03 - 06:39 AM

Here's one for jOhn.

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. Ceehiro

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: Oaklet
Date: 17 Sep 03 - 06:44 AM

I can't stop - I have been asked to go and buy 4 more photocopiers with maintenance agreements.

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: The DeanMeister
Date: 17 Sep 03 - 07:08 AM

Oh how I laughed....

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: The DeanMeister
Date: 17 Sep 03 - 07:09 AM

Wish it were true, David. I know just the man. I've got contacts, me.

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: Oaklet
Date: 17 Sep 03 - 09:22 AM

What I want to know is, how can Oakley can spend time on this thing when he should be working.

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: Noreen
Date: 17 Sep 03 - 09:44 AM

Contacts? That must be where you plug in the photocopiers

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: Raggytash
Date: 17 Sep 03 - 10:24 AM

No contacts are on hairy plains, I've heard it on fillums, the pilot shouts "contact" the mechanic spins the propeller and then gets mutilated as the pilot edges the plain forward

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: Oaklet
Date: 17 Sep 03 - 10:55 AM

The other aspect of me just posted. I am very glad about this.

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: GUEST,Skipjack K8
Date: 17 Sep 03 - 11:23 AM

Well just how many replicates of the rest of us do you think are running around posting, harum scarum?

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: Little Hawk
Date: 17 Sep 03 - 01:21 PM

Good news! Mr Chongo is making a slow recovery. We had thought he was a goner for sure. Also, we have discovered something quite unsettling: the larch tree is a conifer. It does not produce berries. This means that the 12 pounds of bright red berries which Mr Chongo consumed were of an unidentified type. We are investigating and hope to come up with an answer to this mystery quite soon.

Fortunately, there have been very few calls lately from telemarketers, so we expect to weather the storm until Mr Chongo recovers fully and can assume his normal duties again.

- LH

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: smallpiper
Date: 18 Sep 03 - 05:09 AM

Hey!

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Sep 03 - 12:11 PM

What?

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: Oaklet
Date: 18 Sep 03 - 03:29 PM

Don't shout, Slimestepper. It's rude.

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: smallpiper
Date: 18 Sep 03 - 08:40 PM

I was going to follow up with "diddly dee an actors life for me" but it would be a lie - although I wouldn't mind earning as much as them thar famouse hollowood actors do and then I could sit around and play music all day..... shit thats what I do now, but at least I could do it knowing that I could afford to pay the rent!

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: KJ
Date: 19 Sep 03 - 12:56 PM

LH. Growing on the Larch might have been a Larch Dwarf Mistletoe.Are you sure the berries were red? Most dwarf mistletoes produce green to dark brown-purple berries which are poisonous.
Oaklet I'm very upset that you denied me the pleasure of fitting the 'artificial sphincter device'. What a baby you are crunching all that brufen, I wasn't going to bother with an anaesthetic as it surely can't hurt that much!!!!!
P.S The Veus Fly Traps are still consuming Daddy Long Legs. There are lots of legs now, sticking out all over the place. I think their trigger hairs are bigger than their bellies!!

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Sep 03 - 03:58 PM

Ugh! What a nasty fate.

We don't know where those berries came from. Mr Chongo resumed his duties this morning, despite being a little weak still. He sits by the phone, waiting hopefully for the next telemarketer. We have him on pure water and biscuits, and he seems to be picking up.

- LH

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: Oaklet
Date: 19 Sep 03 - 04:06 PM

Mr Chongo and I must have a strange connection. That is exactly what I am doing at the moment, Little Hawk.

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: Oaklet
Date: 19 Sep 03 - 04:09 PM

The larch is a deciduous conifer. How's about that then? A conifer that actually dumps its leaves in the autumn. Sorry, fall.

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Sep 03 - 07:43 PM

I have a suggestion, Oaklet. Go down to the seediest pub in Hull, find the meanest-looking man in the place, walk up to him and say, "You're a deciduous conifer!" Then report back to us on the results.

- LH

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: smallpiper
Date: 19 Sep 03 - 07:52 PM

Knowing Oaklet he'd pick the only tree specialist in Hull and end up in a deep and meanigfull coversation and not casualty.

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: Oaklet
Date: 20 Sep 03 - 10:26 AM

it was a brief encounter. My Celia Johnson to his Trevor Howard. I tried it at the Warne Ferry near Bransholme. The stitches come out in a week; the plaster-cast is a fixture for the next 6 month and a half. Have you any other suggestions, Hawket? Despite the nastiness and the presence of two Humberside constabulary area cars and an ambulance - I feel surprisingly well-disposed to receiving further instructions from the man in Orillia. Which is in Canada, I'm told.

I also face a procescution, a fine and a large bill for "services".

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: Little Hawk
Date: 20 Sep 03 - 07:23 PM

LOL! Your life is becoming more like that of the notorious Winston Wellington-Jones every day, Oaklet. The military is looking for gents like you, agreeable sorts who follow orders without question. I shall try to think of another vital mission to send you on soon, mate. I think you've earned a bronze star or something like that.

- LH

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: smallpiper
Date: 21 Sep 03 - 05:46 AM

Oakley remember... smutty boys are lonely boys. I have recieved a full report of the near miss and wish to congratulate you on the way you successfully avoided the issue. Here have a peanut!

Subject: RE: Punch the Horse in September
From: Oaklet
Date: 21 Sep 03 - 06:01 AM

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