BS: A Friend With No Humor

Subject: A Friend With No Humor
From: Mickey191
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 04:01 AM

How many of you could endure a fiendship with one who has not a scintilla of humor? If you decide not to nurture the relationship, do you explain why?

Subject: RE: BS: A Friend With No Humor
From: Mickey191
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 04:05 AM

Freudian slip-not fiendship obviously-Friendship.But you already knew that. What do you expect at 4:00 am?

Subject: RE: BS: A Friend With No Humor
From: katlaughing
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 04:34 AM

How close of a friendship, Mickey? Would they expect to know why you decided to break it off? Do you feel any obligation to explain? It might be 4a (it's 230a here!) but I think a few more details would be helpful.:-)

Is it possible to teach them how to have humour? Is it worth trying? Is the Universe infinite and how many angels can dance on the head of a pin? And, why do they want to? **BG** Sorry, seem to have more questions, this time of day!

Subject: RE: BS: A Friend With No Humor
From: Mr Red
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 05:54 AM

We all have a sense of humour just not the same kind.
I lived with a lass who went silent when I dropped a pun quietly, and on repeating it she would get up-tight and accuse me of being patronising or somesuch.
her idea of humour was the lie (not the friends fib - the cynical lie). You kidded people and on revelation they were supposed to be uncomfortable. It had a lot to do with her misanthropy which was apparently there as a child. She was a negative person and being a comedian in that environment was a killer. She didn't like my natural gregariousness - people laughed/groaned/engaged/retorted at my humour - which made it worse for her.
I would say if there is no other thing to keep you together be cynical and if necessary selfish - life's too short unless you have a mission to help this person.

Subject: RE: BS: A Friend With No Humor
From: kendall
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 08:14 AM

A sense of humor is absolutely vital for me to get to know someone. If they lack humor, I dont even bother to see them again. Same with the love of folk and traditional music. Mutual interests is the key to a friendship, and it is critical to a relationship.

Subject: RE: BS: A Friend With No Humor
From: catspaw49
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 08:30 AM

Not surprisingly, I'm with Kendall. To get past the "please pass the pot roast" phase, a person has to have some sense of humor to qualify for any further attention. The absolute worst is when you are forced to somehow relate to these people on a regular basis and the nadir of humorless souls lies in those who, after you have made some joke, take it seriously and have to explain it to you!!!

For example.......I once made this old joke in a teacher's lunchroom discussion about the drunk driving campaign the school was actively promoting: "Ya' know if 40% of the fatal accidents involve drinking, then 60% involve sobriety.....Seems to me your chances are better if you're drunk."

At least three of the began to explain the problem with my thinking. And you wonder why the American educational system is fucked up?

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: A Friend With No Humor
From: mack/misophist
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 08:34 AM

There are other things to base a friendship on than humor. Common interests and mutual help, for example. Only you can guess whether you want to be this persons friend. If you don't, I don't think apologies are necessary. Just be silent and absent.

Subject: RE: BS: A Friend With No Humor
From: kendall
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 08:40 AM

My ex wife was a great person in many ways, but, when I told a joke, sometimes she didn't think was funny and she would analize it to death! I told her that analizing a joke to see why it was funny, was like disecting a frog to see why it junps. You may learn something in the process, but, it is really rough on the subject.

Subject: RE: BS: A Friend With No Humor
From: heric
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 09:48 AM

Questions, kat? Here's one to keep you up all night again: What in heck do they feed cows to get those bubbles in swiss cheese?

Subject: RE: BS: A Friend With No Humor
From: Bobert
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 10:03 AM

Well, sense of humor does seem to be a common demoninator between people and ol' bobert has a bad habit of using it almost before the "glad to meetcha" which ain't real good but I'm workin' on it. A little...

I try out different kinds of humor ro see what works and sometimes nothing works. The other person is still satnding in front of me with that humorless dtoic look wishing that they weren't having to put up with me...

Now, that brings me to me point. While I think that everyone has a sense of humor, I think that sometimes folks are so consumed with either deprssion or circumstance that nuthing, including the handshake buzzed and the whoopie cushion ear going to work, and then it's time to take the clown hat off for a while and, if you want to make the investment in the friendship, do a little ministering, that is if you have any credibility left after just making a fool of yourself in the eyes of the other person.

Subject: RE: BS: A Friend With No Humor
From: Celtic Soul
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 10:39 AM

Here's what I have learned in my 40 years...

Real "friends" are few and far between. Good acquaintances are more frequent, and casual acquaintances are many.

For me, I don't try to nurture every relationship into what I term "Friendship" any longer. Far too many people simply *cannot* be really close bosom buddy friends, and trying to force that on those relationships is frustrating to everyone involved.

If there *is* a connection, see what it is. If there is not, it is not rude to simply *not* make plans with the person. You are under no obligation to hang out with everyone you've ever met.

If the individual asks why you are not desirous of time, you can tell him/her in very diplomatic and kind terms that, while you respect him or her, you don't really consider the relationship one of very close ties. Sure, this might hurt some people, but only those that feel they are somehow entitled to be befriended by the world...and do you really want a "friend" who is so needy?

Subject: RE: BS: A Friend With No Humor
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 11:11 AM

Well, I "think" I have a sense of humour; but it may not gel with anyone elses! This may explain some of the atrocious puns in the quizzes currently floating about..
However, I have toned them down!

Subject: RE: BS: A Friend With No Humor
From: Mickey191
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 11:20 AM

Kat, I should have elaborated. He is the son of a friend. She is a great lady, kind in every way, and most helpful to me when I was ill. He lives a block away & needs transportation to physical therapy. I volunteered.I can continue driving him with no problem, despite the fact it takes me a while to get back to normal. Now he's here for afternoon visits and emails me constantly. If I don't answer the emails,he calls. Nothing romantic here! He's 20 yrs.my jr. If my car is in the driveway he knows I'm here. This fellow hasn"t got a smile line. Kendall,as you said, everything is disected and then I'm told why what I just laughed at-isn't funny. I wanted a friend,instead I've aquired a humorless bag of bones.Some of you suggested I might teach him how to acquire humor. How does one do that? Spaw, I would have given you an A in logic.

Subject: RE: BS: A Friend With No Humor
From: heric
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 11:47 AM

The needed actions here are easy to state, if unpleasant to administer. You need to be curt with him. Not too blunt, probably, because that would likely be tiring, like hitting him over and over with a blunt instrument. That's my guess. Keep driving, but end all phone calls because you don't have time. When he tells you something is not funny, you tell him that you found it funny, and still think it's funny (optional: regardless of his opinion.) (If you want to try to be blunt, in an attempt to do him a favor, you can add that you think his sense of humour is lacking. The right answer here is very easy.) Sorry you have to go through with it.

Subject: RE: BS: A Friend With No Humor
From: sophocleese
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 11:56 AM

Mickey 191 it would appear the problem is less that he doesn't have a sense of humour than that he has no sense of your boundaries. You'll need to keep patrolling them for a while, as Dan has suggested clearly but not necessarily bluntly, until he gets the message.

Subject: RE: BS: A Friend With No Humor
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 01:24 PM

A total lack of humor might be a sign of depression.

Subject: RE: BS: A Friend With No Humor
From: kendall
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 03:15 PM

Humor is the opiate of the melancholy

Subject: RE: BS: A Friend With No Humor
From: Ebbie
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 06:09 PM

Mickey191, I think Jim Dixon's take on it is a good one. You say this neighbor is undergoing physical therapy- is this a recent development? I know from experience that sometimes one can get so wrapped up in one's own problems there is no room or inclination for humor. The fact he is trying to stay in constant touch with you also points to depression and need.

I once went out a few times with a really nice guy until one night he went into a paranoic, delusional mode that scared the socks off me. I never went out with him again, even though his brother came to me later and explained that 'Bob' had had a Korean War brain injury that sent him into those attacks if he neglected to take his medicine and that Bob felt really bad about his behavior.

I didn't see him again because I felt that his problems were beyond the level of interest I had in him. If I had been in love with him it would have been different. (For the record, he later met and married someone else.)

My point is that sometimes you have to let someone else take on the 'fix-it' role; sometimes for your own sanity you have to stay at arm's length.

And maybe I'm wrong. :)

Ebbie

Subject: RE: BS: A Friend With No Humor
From: Desdemona
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 06:16 PM

It's always been my experience that the people I've had the most solid, lasting relationships are those with whom I can share a good laugh; and it's interesting that you can share different sorts of humour with different sorts of friends---I have my black-humour friends, with whom I chuckle at really dark things that others would find absolutely UNfunny, my parents&kids humour friends, people with whom I can share geeky history/literature jokes, bawdy humour, musical humour friends, etc....and obviously there's a great deal of overlap that goes on there, but the bottok line is that a sense of humour is amongst the strongest types of glue in human relationships; if you can't laugh together, the relationship isn't ultimately much FUN, now is it?

Having said ALL that (for those who are still here!), is it possible that you just haven't yet found your commo humour "ground" with this person? Not all people find the same things amusing, but there's probably some area in which you can both have a laugh? This is an interesting question; food for thought, as it were.

Subject: RE: BS: A Friend With No Humor
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 08:30 PM

If they don't get your jokes (and you don't get theirs) you're in for a lotta long silences.

Find out early in a relationship WHO makes the other person laugh.

If it's Bob Hope....and you love the Goons....yer screwed!

Heather loved "Blackadder". That was good enough for me!

Rick

Subject: RE: BS: A Friend With No Humor
From: Mickey191
Date: 11 Mar 02 - 12:26 AM

Thanks to you all for your insight. I will continue to provide transport for him and Will do as Dan Kelly suggested-stick to my guns and say ,"Well I think it's funny." I will not say you've no sense of humor. My husband used to say, you can tell someone he's mean or stingy,or that he has bad breath, but never tell them they has no sense of humor, cause everyone thinks they have. If he calls or knocks I'll just say I'm involved in something and have no time, and then mention the next therapy session. Implicit in that ( I think) is I won't be seeing you till then. Don't know if it will work. Thanks again for the input.

Subject: RE: BS: A Friend With No Humor
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 11 Mar 02 - 11:52 AM

For the record, I have heard that schizophrenics also lack a sense of humor, and lack any appreciation of irony or other kinds of abstraction; they tend to interpret everything literally. That's why a simple test of sanity is to ask the person to explain a well-known proverb, like "Don't cry over spilled milk." An explanation by a schizophrenic would probably be specifically about milk.

Of course all kinds of mental problems come in varying degrees.

Subject: RE: BS: A Friend With No Humor
From: Irish sergeant
Date: 11 Mar 02 - 03:46 PM

As soome one above stated, Mickey, it sounds like this person doen't know where your boundries are. that seems to me to be the more serious problem that the fact that this person's sense of humour or lack there of. I tell jokes to people who just stare at me and I tell them "laughter isn't required" To those who analyze I add "Neither is a critique." Hope this works for you. Have a good week and Kindest regards, neil

Subject: RE: BS: A Friend With No Humor
From: Amos
Date: 11 Mar 02 - 04:21 PM

Have him watch STarTrek reruns focused on Data's quandary over human qualities?

Subject: RE: BS: A Friend With No Humor
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 11 Mar 02 - 04:55 PM

Maybe it isn't relevant in this case, but if you were both into playing music I'd say what matters is, can you play well together? I've known some people it's fun to play with, though they aren't maybe too much fun in between tunes.

In this case it doesn't sound like friendship, more a situation where being friendly isn't too easy. It might be temporary thing with this young man, tying in with some problems he's going.

Have you talked about this with your friend, his mother?

Subject: RE: BS: A Friend With No Humor
From: Mickey191
Date: 11 Mar 02 - 06:30 PM

McGrath, One day he came down and I had Kristopherson singing Me & Bobby McGee. (Not Loudly) I was asked to turn it off because it made him nervous. I then put on some instrumentals (On low Volume) and in two minutes he split. That was Quite uncharacteristic. I think one has to be dead or dying not to respond to Bobby McGee. His Mom is aware of his difficulties with people. Jim D. you may have hit on something. I won't go into it -but it was an over reaction to a story I was telling someone else. Thanks all.

Subject: RE: BS: A Friend With No Humor
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 11 Mar 02 - 06:36 PM

The other thing that occurred to me was Asberger's Syndrome.

Subject: RE: BS: A Friend With No Humor
From: Mickey191
Date: 11 Mar 02 - 06:52 PM

Dare I ask? What is Asberger's Syndrome?

Subject: RE: BS: A Friend With No Humor
From: Mickey191
Date: 11 Mar 02 - 06:56 PM

For putting up with this--maybe I have Asberger's syndrome!

Subject: RE: BS: A Friend With No Humor
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 11 Mar 02 - 08:08 PM

What is Asberger's Syndrome -

Subject: RE: BS: A Friend With No Humor
From: Mickey191
Date: 12 Mar 02 - 07:36 PM

Thanks all for your advice. McGrath, Asperger's Syndrome seems not applicable in this case. There is mention of absent mindedness,awkward physical movements,gaze avoidence, and Brilliance. The guy is not, by any stretch of the imagination, on the high end of the scale, nor do the other traits fit. The other thing mentioned is the use of music in therapy. He avoids music. It was interesting reading of this form of autism. Thanks. Slainte

Subject: RE: BS: A Friend With No Humor
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 12 Mar 02 - 08:22 PM

Likely enough not, Mickey191 - though as with all of these syndromes, the checklist of characteristics is always blurry and can be totally misleading. Especially the "brilliance" one.

It gets emphasised, I imagine, because it's important to be aware that it is quite possible to have very serious difficulties in the way outlined, and still be brilliant -but it's not really a defining characteristic. Same with the music.

Subject: RE: BS: A Friend With No Humor
From: JudyR
Date: 13 Mar 02 - 01:54 AM

Yes, I would forget trying to make of this person a "friend," and help him as you can, being far less available to him than you have made yourself. Otherwise, he can become a problem -- your problem. No, it's not about his sense of humor at all. It's about two people who don't mesh. Decide how much you want to be in his life -- you are a good helper to this young man -- and hope you can handle it firmly enough to make him back waaay off. If you can't -- well, sorry. You have to decide between him and yourself at that point.