BS: Joke thread for 2024

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 Jun 24 - 06:04 PM

I believe I have seen it cited: "My pickup truck left me for another man."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Neil D
Date: 07 Jun 24 - 07:17 PM

The James gang was robbing a train and Jesse shouts "if you don't give us your money and valuables were going to kill all the women and rape all the men." Someone asked "Jesse, don't you mean rape the women and kill the men?" But a man in the back of the car yells "Excuse me...but I think Mr.James knows how to rob a train."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Jun 24 - 06:41 AM

Bloke got pulled over for drink-driving. The policeman was just about to administer the breathalyser when a terrible kerfuffle broke out on the opposite carriageway, two blokes kicking the shite out of each other.

Naturally, the copper had to temporarily abandon the drunk bloke, so he rushed across the road to intervene in the scrap. The drunk saw his chance, so he jumped back behind the wheel and sped home.

Next morning, there came a knock on his door. The same policeman was there, saying to the bloke that he knew he had been completely pissed the night before.

"Well you can say that, but that was hours ago, so now you can't prove a thing!"

"Fair enough," said the cop. "Tell you what - I'll leave you in peace as long as we can have our police car back..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 08 Jun 24 - 10:16 AM

lol, Neil.

Trump's driving around Wales, gets thirsty and has his chauffeur pull over so he can drink from a stream. A Welsh farmer shouts to him, in Welsh, "Don't drink from that stream, the sheep piss in it!"
To which Trump responds, "This is England, speak English!"
The farmer shouts back, in English, "Use 2 hands, you'll get more water."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Jun 24 - 12:53 PM

After a lot of drinks on Friday night, I decided to leave my car at the pub and get a bus home. It was great passing all the police cars and getting smiled at. The bus just kept going and got me home in one piece....which is surprising really as I had never driven a bus before..

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 12 Jun 24 - 09:32 AM

St Peter is guarding the gates of heaven one day and finds that he’s desperate to use the toilet.

He calls Jesus over and says “Oi Jesus, I’m dying for a Richard the Third. Can you keep an eye on things for me for 10 minutes before I have an accident in my heavenly robes?”

“No problem Pete” says Jesus. “What do I have to do?”

“It’s simple, when you see someone coming up the celestial ladder, ask them what they did on Earth and, if they’re OK to come in and, if they are, let them in. Nothing to it really”

So Jesus waits by the Pearly Gates and sees this man approaching with what looks like a set of carpenters’ tools. He greets the stranger and asks about his life.

The stranger says “Well, I was a carpenter by trade and worked at it all my life”

Jesus asks “Did you have a son?”

“I certainly did” replies the man, “However, he wasn’t born in the usual way and I sent him out into the world to learn and to do good. I pray that one day we’ll be back together”

Jesus can’t believe what he’s hearing, stares at he man through moist eyes and says “Father?”

The man looks at Jesus and through equally moistened eyes he says “Pinocchio?”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 14 Jun 24 - 09:07 AM

Irritated Boss- "How come you're only sick on weekdays?"

Employee: "Must be my weekend immune system."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 16 Jun 24 - 12:32 PM

When my wife and I broke up she left with my stash.
I'm suing her for joint custody.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler
Date: 16 Jun 24 - 01:13 PM

Dave, the drunk man with the police car in his garage. Pete Macnab used to be in the force and he knows the name of the real life drunk!

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Jun 24 - 03:00 AM

:-D