BS: Joke thread for 2024

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 Jun 24 - 06:04 PM

I believe I have seen it cited: "My pickup truck left me for another man."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Neil D
Date: 07 Jun 24 - 07:17 PM

The James gang was robbing a train and Jesse shouts "if you don't give us your money and valuables were going to kill all the women and rape all the men." Someone asked "Jesse, don't you mean rape the women and kill the men?" But a man in the back of the car yells "Excuse me...but I think Mr.James knows how to rob a train."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Jun 24 - 06:41 AM

Bloke got pulled over for drink-driving. The policeman was just about to administer the breathalyser when a terrible kerfuffle broke out on the opposite carriageway, two blokes kicking the shite out of each other.

Naturally, the copper had to temporarily abandon the drunk bloke, so he rushed across the road to intervene in the scrap. The drunk saw his chance, so he jumped back behind the wheel and sped home.

Next morning, there came a knock on his door. The same policeman was there, saying to the bloke that he knew he had been completely pissed the night before.

"Well you can say that, but that was hours ago, so now you can't prove a thing!"

"Fair enough," said the cop. "Tell you what - I'll leave you in peace as long as we can have our police car back..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 08 Jun 24 - 10:16 AM

lol, Neil.

Trump's driving around Wales, gets thirsty and has his chauffeur pull over so he can drink from a stream. A Welsh farmer shouts to him, in Welsh, "Don't drink from that stream, the sheep piss in it!"
To which Trump responds, "This is England, speak English!"
The farmer shouts back, in English, "Use 2 hands, you'll get more water."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Jun 24 - 12:53 PM

After a lot of drinks on Friday night, I decided to leave my car at the pub and get a bus home. It was great passing all the police cars and getting smiled at. The bus just kept going and got me home in one piece....which is surprising really as I had never driven a bus before..

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 12 Jun 24 - 09:32 AM

St Peter is guarding the gates of heaven one day and finds that he’s desperate to use the toilet.

He calls Jesus over and says “Oi Jesus, I’m dying for a Richard the Third. Can you keep an eye on things for me for 10 minutes before I have an accident in my heavenly robes?”

“No problem Pete” says Jesus. “What do I have to do?”

“It’s simple, when you see someone coming up the celestial ladder, ask them what they did on Earth and, if they’re OK to come in and, if they are, let them in. Nothing to it really”

So Jesus waits by the Pearly Gates and sees this man approaching with what looks like a set of carpenters’ tools. He greets the stranger and asks about his life.

The stranger says “Well, I was a carpenter by trade and worked at it all my life”

Jesus asks “Did you have a son?”

“I certainly did” replies the man, “However, he wasn’t born in the usual way and I sent him out into the world to learn and to do good. I pray that one day we’ll be back together”

Jesus can’t believe what he’s hearing, stares at he man through moist eyes and says “Father?”

The man looks at Jesus and through equally moistened eyes he says “Pinocchio?”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 14 Jun 24 - 09:07 AM

Irritated Boss- "How come you're only sick on weekdays?"

Employee: "Must be my weekend immune system."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 16 Jun 24 - 12:32 PM

When my wife and I broke up she left with my stash.
I'm suing her for joint custody.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler
Date: 16 Jun 24 - 01:13 PM

Dave, the drunk man with the police car in his garage. Pete Macnab used to be in the force and he knows the name of the real life drunk!

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Jun 24 - 03:00 AM

:-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Jun 24 - 04:59 AM

A boy arrives home from school with a trophy in his hand and says to his mum,
"I won the Leslie Nielsen Award at school today!"

"Really?" says his mum, "What's that?"

"It's a big building full of children and teachers but that's not important right now..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Charmion's brother Andrew
Date: 23 Jun 24 - 07:01 AM

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk" exclaims the barman.

"Your ears work, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey, Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again, "with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and asks "What the hell would they want with a plasterer?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 23 Jun 24 - 09:22 AM

I once dated a girl with a twin and people always asked me how I could tell them apart.

It was simple. Alison painted her nails red and Bob had a beard...