BS: say what?

Subject: BS: say what?
From: GUEST,leeneia
Date: 04 Nov 07 - 12:33 AM

It's close to bedtime, and tomorrow I'm going out of town for a week, but today I noticed a certain sentence in the newspaper, and I have to get it off my chest.

The Nelson-Atkins Museum of Kansas City is one of the world's great art museums. It has a new wing called the Bloch Building. It's planning further renovation so can better display its Native American art. In an attempt to squeeze as much news as possible into one sentence, a reporter wrote this:

The plan calls for reusing space vacated on the second floor when the new Bloch Building opened by creating a spacious, 6,200-square-foot gallery for a collection currently housed in less than 1,000 square feet on the third floor.
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Recently I was on a thread where we talked about writing technical reports for Chinese clients. My husband and I figured out that since Chinese script is based on pictures, that he should try to use concrete language as much as possible.

Take a look at the above sentence and ask yourself how you could write it using pictures.

How many sentences are buried within it?

plan calls
reuse space
space was vacated
Bloch Building opened
create a gallery
collection is housed

Now I see that the answer is 6.

When I hear about recalls and flaws in products from China, I wonder how much of the problem is caused by writing such as this..

And why is it that P.G. Wodehouse could braid four or five sentences into one and create a little work of art, while other people try it and create a clunker? (Good question for a college class in English.)

See ya next week.

Subject: RE: BS: say what?
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 04 Nov 07 - 01:06 PM

Is this better?

"The plan calls for a collection currently housed in less than 1,000 square feet on the third floor to be relocated in a spacious new 6,200-square-foot gallery on the second floor, reusing space that was vacated when the new Bloch Building opened."

Subject: RE: BS: say what?
From: John on the Sunset Coast
Date: 04 Nov 07 - 02:30 PM

This reminds me of the time when son had to write a term paper for 8th grade social studies. The first page of his first draft consisted of two paragraphs. The first graph was a single sentence, as was the second, too. I pointed out to him that each paragraph contained several complete sentences within, and too many separate ideas to be single paragraph.

I did some home schooling in English with him, as he seemed not to be getting instruction at school. Although he was not pleased, he did eventually get an A on his project.

Subject: RE: BS: say what?
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Nov 07 - 06:40 PM

No one today claims that those who write for newspapers or other media know their gerund from their adverb, or practice clarity in writing. Their editors are worse, especially since the position of "Proof Reader" has been eliminated.