BS: A Klassification of UFOs

Subject: BS: A Klassification of UFOs
From: Wolfgang
Date: 05 Aug 04 - 04:34 PM

Some time last month, in a secret location given the cover name of Gorilla that according to my informant is located in a large both English and French speaking country in the very North of the American continent, UFO believers and skeptics have met in order to agree upon a nomenclature for UFOs. A copy of the minutes of that secret meeting is in my hands and I dare to publish excerpts from it here hoping that the MIB won't pay me a visit.

Those only interested in the bare results may look for the boldfaced acronyms with the explanations near by. Those interested in the spirit and the cultural context of the meeting should read on. The meeting took place in the middle of a big crop circle. The UFOlogists only entered the circle after (1) a water witch had declared the circle free of destructive underground water streams, (2) a dowser had found out that the circle was exactly at the crossing of two benign ley lines connecting old native places of spiritual energy and (3) a radioesthesiast had made sure that no interfering radiation from the UFO that had made the circle was present. The skeptics had entered the circle immediately for they knew who had made it. Some of them dozed while the believers dowsed.

The chairman was a local named Two Hawks ("where is the third one"? a voice brawled in the background which everyone did pretend not to hear) who despite his native sounding name had a rather white complexion. He opened the meeting greeting the audience with the wish that everybody may find there what their deepest beliefs told them. ("Why does he not greet us too?" a skeptic asked whereupon a believer said "But he has"). Two Hawks explained that a classification of UFOs ("UFO reports" a skeptic shouted) was necessary for any serious study of that subject ("object", a believer interrupted) so believers from all camps ("and skeptics" he was interrupted again and repeated), as I have said already, I mean believers from all camps, can communicate without starting a shouting match at the first mentioning of a word loaded for some of them with a meaning unacceptable for others.

I skip the following rather vivid exchange of opinions and summarize that an agreement was made that everybody could use their own terms, may it be belief, hypothesis or theory.

The next hour was devoted to replacing the term UFO which nearly everybody found awkward by another agreed upon term. First, a local defended his idea to term them AFOs (alien flying objects) which was met with opposition from believers and skeptics ("don't mix up observation and interpretation" a German was heard) alike. Two skeptics from CSICOP saw their chance and proposed ("the most neutral term") YUAOERP ("Yet Unexplained Aerial Or Entoptic Reported Percept") but retracted quickly a bit miffed when nearly everybody laughed ("those guys from Psi-Cop seem never to come up with a pronounceable acronym"). To cut it short, the bottom line was that everybody agreed that 'UFO' was a misnomer but would be kept as yet for making communications with the press easier.

Then business began: The first classification was according to the location of the reported sensation. African reports would be know as GNUFOs, American reports as CARIBUFOS, Australian and Southern sea island reports ("we have a name" a New Zealander shouted but kept quiet when it was pointed out that 'Australis' merely meant 'Southern') as EMUFOs, European reports as EURUFOs, and Asian reports as YELLUFOS (a Chinese UFOLOgist complaining loudly about that racist acronym could be persuaded to stay after it was made clear the acronym was not as he had thought 'YELLOWFOES').

All attempts to break down that classification into smaller units were given up after a well know but somewhat less well liked voice suggested loudly TRUFOs for "UFOs seen from trailer parks". That was MG as he was know for short for he was both as loud and as unwelcome as the sound of this weapon. Everybody looked the other way and hoped the guy was invited by the respective other faction. It could not be found out whether he was invited at all so they all agreed to ignore him which some found extremely hard in the teeth of his insisting and sometimes less than pleasant interruptions. The reader will be glad if I skip all further 'comments' from this source that are listed in the minutes of the meeting.

The next classification was according to the nature of the percept. The French speaking local UFO community did insist that now it was the time for abbreviations in the second truly international language (the Vatican angelologist and German and Spanish participants protested loudly but without success). The skeptics' suggestion to use the acronym FILUFOs for reports later found out to be pranks or jokes was accepted with a large majority. PASSEPARTUFOs was acceptable for reports of UFOs passing through solid matter. AGENUFOs for reports of UFOs accompanied by a strong feeling of a divine presence seemed at first also acceptable to everybody. But now the natives (Indians, aborigines, first nation) started to complain that the old languages of the continent had a right to be considered as well. They suggested MANITUFOS to be used instead of AGENUFOs. The majority agreed to use both acronyms in the respective language, but MANITUFOs being the international name. The last to protest this was the angelologist from the Vatican who insisted on a neutral term instead of Manitou. A skeptic's loud quip that "'GOds Own Flying Ideas' would lead to the easily memorable acronym GOOFIs convinced him to drop the matter for good. Percepts involving a supernatural and unhuman sound were easily agreed to be DIGERIDUFOs (that's the sentence that is supposed to lead someone to suggest dropping the BS designation W.H.)

A UFOlogist brought up the theme of invisible UFOs and suggested SEETHRUFOs. At first there was some doubt about the need of such a category but after she passed some pictures showing a clear sky with the UFO being present but not visible (that's BTW one of the very few things I have not invented here, W.H.) some were impressed by this evidence and as the skeptics agreed giggling the term was accepted. As the time went on the participants grew more tired and agreed without much debate on TOOGOOOGTOBETRUFOs for faked UFO pictures, on TUFOs for reports from two or more (the extra category FEUFOs for more than two observers didn't get enough votes) independent sources, and on FLUFOs for reports from observers temporarily inabled by illness of any kind.

The skeptics insisted without success on PEANUFOs for reports later found to be misperceived stars, on AIRBUFOs for reports originating from misperceived planes, and on IGLUFOs for reports found to be based upon "irritating ground lights". All these, even if the categories were not empty, the believers said were not UFOs and therefore there was no need for a classification.

The last of the more trivial decision was accepted unanimously: reports of abductions and close and sometimes invasive inspections of humans by UFOs were termed "Specialized in Corporeal Reconnaissance UFOs". The protocol here reports loud laughter. The move to use the term TATTUFOS when marks were left on or within the body of the abductees did not get a majority.

The last decision was the most difficult, that was to find a term for the real thing. The skeptics objected first that this was an empty set ("are you completely sure" was the question that made them not to pursue this line of argumentation any further) and then that even if there are real UFOs there would be no need for a term for then it would be scientists studying the crafts that were no longer unknown then. TRUFOs, RUFOs ("real UFOs") and AFOs were suggested but declared unacceptable by skeptics. The only term for reports that may be based on more than an error found acceptable in both camps was NOCLUFOs with the silent understanding that skeptics may add a 'yet' and believers may add a 'science has' before the acronym.

The chairman Two Hawks then asked if there was still a vital objection to the agreement so far and to loud gasps from all sides the Provisional Irish Rocket Admirers as well as the Continuity Irish Rocket Admirers, the Real Irish Rocket Admirers and the Original Irish Rocket Admirers declared that no acronym with a U like Ulster was acceptable for republican IFOlogists. The Ulster Uunsurpassed Perceivers of all kind supernatural declared that dropping the U from the acronyms was Unacceptable for any real loyalist. The resulting commotion nearly ended the proceedings in chaos when the calming voice of Two Hawks suggested the compromise that in all internal communications the Irish may replace (or not) each U by an I (for "Identity-challenged") or not. In the international communications the U had to be kept, but the Irish were granted the right to declare that the letter U stands for any Gaelic term of their choice ("Uisge" was shouted and that was the first interruption by MG that made some people smile unwillingly) as long as they promised never to used the full Gaelic word in print.

All participants wanted to go home by now, but Two Hawks saw one last hand going up. "Make it short" he said to the chairman of the German UFOlogists. The man stood up and despite all the loud boo's said that if the French had their will with their language being used in some acronyms the Germans had the same right for their language was spoken in much more countries of Europe than French ("Had you not started two wars German would be spoken in much less countries than it is now" a French delegate screamed). When the German delegate got the support from the East European countries the Americans said that speaking for them only a German word could be acceptable if it was both understandable and pronounceable. The British chairman declared that for them understandability was not the issue but pronounceability was. The Czcherman of the Czech Chzepstikz speaking for the East European Slav speaking countries said he did not understand all that American fuss about pronounceability of German words but he insisted on understandability.

Since in the short time no agreement on a German acronym seemed to be possible, Two Hawks asked hopefully whether the German word for 'classification' was an acceptable and understandable compromise. The chairman of the German skeptics volunteered 'klassifikation' which was accepted when the Germans agreed to drop one k and the French were promised they could pronounce it any way they liked ("They always do even if they try not to" MG was heard complaining) as long as they spelled it in international kommunikations with an initial k. The chairman of the German skeptics said that they thought they had compromised too far by agreeing to a German word that was both understandable and pronounceable and that in exchange for that at least the capitalisation of that word according to the German rules should be approved. They all agreed very quickly to that innocuous suggestion and so the common paper came to be known as

A Klassification of UFOs

The next meeting was agreed to be in a Slav speaking country. The Croatian delegation suggested the Adriatic island of Krk. The Americans declared that the choice of an unpronounceable location was an affront and an insult to the American linguistic abilities. The Polish suggested Gdansk and the Russians Dnjepopetrowsk and offered the Americans lections in pronunciation. The American anger was only calmed when Slovenia came up with Pula, a seaside resort at the Adriatic sea.

On the way home it first dawned to some believers that that mean bastard of German skeptic has made them agree to a word that could be read as honouring Phil Klass, a long time debunker of all things UFO.

Wolfgang (in vacation and with enough time)

Subject: RE: BS: A Klassification of UFOs
From: Amos
Date: 05 Aug 04 - 05:30 PM

Wolfgang:

I was wondering if this could possibly really be you, or was this marvelous piece perhaps from an Unidentified Wolganglike Observer, which had dropped in to keep the boil going here in the forum for some strange metaphysical purpose of its own. But then I realized you were on vacation. Congratulations on your vacation!!

This is positively brilliant stuff, but it is more of a tale of Grimm than a grim report, because no international group would ever reach so many agreements in so little time. Especially if MG were in the room. But aside from that it is highly believable!! Thanks for the grins!

A

Subject: RE: BS: A Klassification of UFOs
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Aug 04 - 06:43 PM

ah, Wolfgang! I giggle in your general direction and offer my sincere hope that you get MANY long and productive vacations!


Now I have to go re-read it and decide whether to attend the NEXT meeting!

Subject: RE: BS: A Klassification of UFOs
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Aug 04 - 07:57 PM

Ha! By God, Wolfgang, you must be on vacation. It's a very amusing account.

I have it on good authority that Two Hawks has not a drop of what might be called "Native American" blood in his veins, but that doesn't really matter, because he is a reincarnated soul who has lived some lives as a Native American. Therefore he celebrates that heritage, among many others. He has also lived a life (rather recently) as a German, which makes him your cultural brother, once removed! He has also lived lives as a Japanese, a white American, a Mexican, an Englishwoman, and Englishman, an Egyptian, a Roman, a Mayan, an East Indian, and God only knows what else. This is not unusual, as most people have lived many incarnated lives in many times and places. The only thing that is unusual about Two Hawks is that he remembers parts of some of those lives. There are vast numbers of people in Asia to whom these concepts are not only familiar, but taken absolutely for granted.

The terminology is indeed a problem. It was better back in the late 40's, before all the bureaucratics started forming their little power structures and their jargon. At that time the observed vehicles were generally called "flying discs" or "flying saucers" which was a good description of their observed shape (in most cases). In World War II they were called "foo fighters" by Allied pilots. I don't recall what the Germans and Japanese called them, but all sides assumed they were secret weapons of the opposing forces. This turned out not to be the case.

Klass is a well-known crank who appears to be in the grip of a negatively-biased obsession regarding all UFO/AFO/flying-saucer reports. To say he is in denial would be understating the issue. :-) He should seek therapy, in my opinion...but I'm sure he will not.