BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?

Subject: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Peace
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 01:21 PM

Tired of it? This thread is for non-political stuff. Funny, outrageous, friendly and witty.

I am tired of so many threads because they deteriorate into a miasma of miasmas, and I have no idea what a miasma is. Nor do I care to consult a dictionary. You wanna tell me to FO or something like that, please do so by message.

The best thing I've heard lately is a joke about a parrot. I like jokes. Especially if they are funny. Have a nice day.

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: SINSULL
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 01:22 PM

Pakistan tested a nuclear weapon yesterday...

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 01:28 PM

Ted Haggart, Tom Foley and some Senator from out west were in a hot tub when suddenly a great blob of semen was seen floating in the tub. The Senator asked "Who farted?"

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Becca72
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 01:30 PM

A man was at a bar one night and saw a beautiful redhead sitting in the booth opposite him. After about 5 minutes, he got up the guts to go talk to her. Just as he sat down, she sneezed and her glass eye flew out from her socket.
On reflex, the guy shot out his arm and caught her eye and gave it back to her. They started talking and the redhead invited the man to go to a movie with her, then go back to her place for a nightcap. In the morning, she cooked him a big breakfast of bacon and eggs and the man said, "Why are you being incredibly nice to me? Is this the way you treat all men who start talking to you?"

The redhead replied, "No, you just happened to catch my eye!"

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Emma B
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 01:33 PM

BBC News 0.3 femtoseconds ago

Scientists pack up: "Everything explained"

Scientists all round the world today went home for a nice cup of tea after a revolutionary breakthrough explained everything. The new unified theory (NUT) unites science and religion, explains genetics, the origin of the universe, quantum phenomena, and provides the first instant cure for a hangover in human history.

Well it is from the 'Bahoogle' page but sounds kinda good to me :)

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Peace
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 01:33 PM

This is gonna be a looonnnnggggg day . . . .

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: ClaireBear
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 01:33 PM

No parrot jokes, alas, but I do have two parrot anecdotes. I can attest to neither's veracity, but I hope they're true.

Here's the first one.

A man in a convertible pulled up to an intersection in Los Angeles. As he waited for the light to change, he glanced over to the car next to him. There was a parrot in the passenger seat. It looked at him and said "hello."

He ignored it.

"Hello," it repeated.

He ignored it.

Finally, the parrot said to him, "Can't you talk?"

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Peace
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 01:35 PM

. . . llllloooooooonnnnnnnnnggggggggggggg day.

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Amos
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 01:35 PM

No further comment.


A

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: PoppaGator
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 01:38 PM

Jeez, now that's TWO parrot jokes alluded to but not told. Give up your jokes, Peace (who mentioned one) & ClaireBear (who teased us by claiiming to have two anecdotes, but only gave us one)!

Becca72: I'll be keeping my eye out for you!

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Peace
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 01:43 PM

One is from the Joke thread. It is great. I will try to find it and get back PDQ.

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 01:45 PM

I saw a homeless guy with a rather more elaborate sign than most today. It said

Someone took my job
then my pension
then my health ins
then my house

Could someone give me a dollar back?

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Peace
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 01:46 PM

The following joke was posted by Bee-dubya-ell. I roared.

'A magician had a gig on a cruise ship. Toward the end of his first night's performance, a parrot which was kept in a cage in one corner of the room called out, "Awwwk! The watch is in his pocket!" Of course it was and, his big finish ruined, the magician could only glare at the parrot and limp through the rest of the show.

The next night, the magician did an entirely new routine and, again, as he was getting near the end the parrot called out, "Awwwk! The Ace of Spades is up his sleeve!" Again the parrot was right and the magician became increasingly flustered, barely making it to the end of his performance.

The third night, the magician put together a routine of his best tricks, determined to fool the parrot. He was getting near the end of his act when the ship suddenly hit an uncharted reef and began to sink rapidly. Everyone scrambled to get off the ship and into lifeboats and, wouldn't you know it, someone rescued the parrot and it wound up in the same lifeboat as the magician.

For three days the lifeboat floated on the ocean, with the parrot giving the magician the fishy eye the whole time. Finally, the parrot said to the magician, "Awwwk! Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?"'

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Emma B
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 01:47 PM

OK! this may have passed you by but the Companion Parrot Quarterly has a special FUN PAGE with cartoons, recipes, and parrot stories.

Recipes???

Yellow Parrot recipe

3/4 oz Yellow Chartreuse
3/4 oz apricot brandy
1/4 oz anisette

Stir with ice in a mixing glass. Strain into chilled cocktail glass.

oh well good job science has discovered an instant hangover cure!

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Peace
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 01:48 PM

A postal carrier is working on a new beat. He comes to a garden gate marked BEWARE OF THE PARROT! He looks down the garden and, sure enough, there's a parrot sitting on its perch. He has a little chuckle to himself at the sign and the parrot there on its perch. The mailman opens the gate and walks into the garden. He gets as far as the parrot's perch, when suddenly, it calls out: "REX, ATTACK!"

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Emma B
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 01:52 PM

Be careful not to rub your parrot up the wrong way!

Cedar Grilling Parrot Rub
Ingredients:

2 tbs (30ml) Turbinado sugar
2 tbs (30ml) kosher salt
2 tbs (30ml) paprika
1 tbs (15ml) fresh ground pepper
1 tsp (5ml) seasoning salt
1 tsp (5ml) onion powder
1 tsp (5ml) garlic powder
½ tsp (2ml) celery salt
½ tsp (2ml) cayenne pepper
Directions:
Mix all ingredients together.
Excess rub will keep for several months in a sealed dry container

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Morticia
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 01:54 PM

Man buys a parrot who turns out to have the filthiest beak ever. Every second word is f*ck. The man tries covering the cage with a blanket, he tries remonstrating with the bird, he tries bribery, cajolery and witchery...nothing will stop the parrot from swearing like a sailor out of rum. Eventually, in a state of panic as he has the vicar coming round, he stuffs the parrot in the deep freeze. When the vicar goes home he retrieves the parrot from the freezer and to his astonishment the bird is now quietly and gently spoken and apologises profusely for it's obscene and profane language prior to the incarceration. " I truly could not be more sorry" says the parrot " and I swear never to use such words as may offend you again and may I just ask...what did the chicken do?"

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: KB in Iowa
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 01:54 PM

A termite walks into the local pub and asks "Is the bartender here?"







(It works better when spoken.)

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 01:57 PM

3 Neocons pre emptively attack a bar...
Bartender do you have any WMD's here?
Yes we do.
Tell us where they are or we will destroy your bar with the full might of the US military and private contractors!

Well they are sitting on your stools.
Huh?
There are three White Manical Dumbshits sitting on their stools right now.

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Peace
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 01:58 PM

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot. "What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only $20." "Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks. "Well", replies the assistant, it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity" "Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman "Fu#k me, a new brothel and a new madam" "I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman indignantly. A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "A new brothel, a new madam, and now new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters. "Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes" complained the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband comes home. "Well fu#k me, a new brothel, a new madam, new whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?"

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: ClaireBear
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 01:59 PM

The other anecdote:

A man went to visit a friend who had a parrot. Unfortunately, when he arrived, he discovered that the parrot had just escaped the confines of the house and was sitting in a tree outside, out of reach. He gamely volunteered to help catch the recalcitrant bird, and proceeded to follow it from tree to tree through his friend's yard, growing more and more exasperated but speaking in soothing tones to the parrot, prevailing upon it to be a sensible bird and come down from there.

The parrot, evidently enjoying the game and unswayed by the man's arguments, commented: "I can talk. Can you fly?"

Claire

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 02:01 PM

How much is that parrot?

It is $2,000
Why so much?
It plays the oboe.

OK what about this one?
It costs $3,000 and is a percussionist.

Hmm well then what about that short dingy grey one over there.

That one costs $100,000.

Why?

I don't know but the other parrots call him Maestro.

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Emma B
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 02:04 PM

this one is dedicated to sir jOhn .........

A man went into a pub and said to the landlord "If you give me free drinks all night, I will entertain your customers so much they will stay all night and drink lots and lots"

"Oh yes" says the landlord "how are you going to do that?"

The man gets a hamster out of his pocket and puts it on the piano. The hamster runs up and down the keyboard playing the greatest piano music anyone had ever heard.

"That's amazing" says the landlord "have you got anything else?"

The man gets a parrot out of his other pocket and puts it on the bar. The hamster begins to play the piano again and the parrot sings along - sounding just like Pavarotti. Everyone in the pub is amazed and stay all night drinking and listening to the hamster and parrot.

The landlord is delighted. "I must have these animals. Will you sell them to me?" he asks.

The man shook his head. "Will you sell just one then?" asks the landlord.

"OK, I'll sell you the parrot for 50 pounds" the man says.

The landlord is delighted and hands over the money. Another man standing next to the man who owned the hamster said "You're a bit stupid selling that clever parrot for only fifty pounds"

"No I'm not" the man replied "the hamster is a ventriloquist"!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: PoppaGator
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 02:20 PM

Thanks ~ way more parrot stories than I anticipated!

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Becca72
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 02:28 PM

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase...in time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 02:30 PM

A very pious older woman bought a parrot who did nothing but pray. Day and night, whenever it was awake, the bird was it prayer.

One day she thought it would be nice if the bird had a comapnion, but the only one she could find had belonged to very salty old sailor. And all the bird would say was "AWK! I'm a whore! I'm a whore!" But the price was right and she thought that perhaps her own parrot could teach the new one better behavior.

She brought the bird home and put it into the cage with her own parrot which was, of course, praying.

The cage door closed and the new bird shouted "AWK! I'm a whore! I'm a whore!"

The first bird raised its head, thrust both wings straight up, and shouted, "Thank you, God! My prayers have been answered!"

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Emma B
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 02:33 PM

I say, I say, I say.....

My parrot lays square eggs.

That's amazing! Can it talk as well?

Yes, but only one word.

What's that?

Ouch!

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: ClaireBear
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 02:39 PM

Actually I forgot, I have a third story that my father claimed happened to my uncle Gene, a sometime hobo and marlin sports fisherman back in the 1930s and '40s. This one I really do believe to be true.

One marlin fishing season, Gene house-sat the Baja California home of a very prim expatriate American woman while she vacationed back in the States.

She had a parrot she'd acquired locally that spoke only Spanish ...so Gene determined to teach it a sentence in English as a "gift" to his hostess. The sentence he chose, given his slightly salty personality, was "I am a dirty bird."

He coached the parrot for weeks. By the day its owner returned, it had mastered "I am a dirty bird" perfectly. However, when she came in, the bird shut its beak and uttered not a sound.

Gene coaxed the parrot: "Come on, parrot, say it. I am a dirty bird. I am a dirty bird. I am a dirty bird!"

At this, the bird cocked its head and said to gene in very proper Spanish, "Como no?"

(which, roughly translated in context, means "So what else is new?")

Claire

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Ebbie
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 02:45 PM

Not a parrot but a Cockatoo (It has a parrot beak, OK?).

When I was little, my family was traipsing through a gift shop at the Oregon Coast. When I came along, a cockatoo on a post alongside the aisle leaned W A Y down and chortled into my face: Hello, little girl.

This shy little Amish girl was totally charmed.

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Becca72
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 02:45 PM

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again."Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?""Clarence," said the bird."That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: bobad
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 02:50 PM

In honor of Robbie Burns on his birthday:

Ode Tae A Fart

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in your belly efter the feastie
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There sterts to stir an enormous wind
The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
Stert workin like a gentle breeze
But soon the puddin wi the sauncie face
Will have ye blawin all ower the place

Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
A'body's gonnae hiv tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
It's like a bullet oot a rifle
Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair
Tae try and stop the leakin air
Shifty yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Prae tae God it doesnae reek

But aw yer efforts go assunder
Oot it comes like a clap o thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Michty me a sonic boom
God almighty it fairly reeks
Hope I huvnae shit my breeks
Tae the bog I better scurry
Aw whit the hell it's no ma worry

A'body roon aboot me chokin
Wan or two are nearly bokin
I'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile
Wiz him! I shout with accusin glower
Alas too late, he's just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare
A dinnae feel welcome any mair

Where e'ere ye go let yer wind gan' free
Sounds like just the job fur me
Whit a fuss at rabbie's party
Ower the sake o one wee farty

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Peace
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 02:52 PM

EBBIE, it's great to see you back. I have missed reading your posts. If I'd known you were around, that alone would have lifted my spirits.

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 03:09 PM

Well, okay....

A young man, an accomplished pianist, was courting a young woman from a very proper (and rich) family. One evening after dinner he felt the Kool-Aid, onions and turnips working in his stomach. It wasn't long before he was in considerable discomfort, but he couldn't do or say anything about it.

Inspiration struck! He turned to her and said, "I've been working a new composition called, 'The Storm.' Would you like me to play it for you?"

She agreed, and seated himself at the concert grand and played away. At each musical clap of thunder, played fortissimo maximo, he managed to release some of his abdominal pressure. Finally, the pressure off, he played out the piece.

He turned to the oject of his affections and asked, "How did you like it? Would you like me to play it again?"

"It was very nice," she replied, "and yes, please play it again. But this time leave out the parts where the lightning hits the shithouse."

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 03:15 PM

Dloom and Goon cartoons:

http://content.cartoonbox.slate.com/?feature=5a8082b7fef9240c7305987dbee0cafd


http://content.cartoonbox.slate.com/?feature=f1b96e20238a9c4f5aafec8365b18c04


http://content.cartoonbox.slate.com/?feature=ba52130fd5de4bb51484edcf4c879cb1


http://content.cartoonbox.slate.com/?feature=f465d83008cd36411368ba88bfaaa671

http://content.cartoonbox.slate.com/?feature=55f903364235dc2a3e45f5bfd68dedea

http://content.cartoonbox.slate.com/?feature=4627544a54343207ebe97fba3bad1f10

http://content.cartoonbox.slate.com/?feature=c2c7fbb3d0f7688deb410cca383bbcc3

http://content.cartoonbox.slate.com/?feature=d4b79a7264de5839011d00fead138672


http://content.cartoonbox.slate.com/?feature=ebf4a6fcab7edd483ef93bf31de5332d

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom and surge
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 03:20 PM

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tt/2008/tt080122.gif

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Bill D
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 03:32 PM

Mudcat parrot

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Bill D
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 03:37 PM

childhood training

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 03:39 PM

Anybody red Next, by Michael Crichton? It has a transgenic parrot with just enough human genome to really talk, not just parrot. He annoys his owner who sells him to a pet store with the parrot complaining You can't do that, it's slavery! And there are a lot of rther funny scenes with the parrot and the coyotes, and so on...

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 03:43 PM

parrot mudcat

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Bill D
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 03:46 PM

Daddy, Donuel's repeating everything I post!

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Ebbie
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 03:53 PM

attaboy, Don

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Beer
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 03:55 PM

A little old but gteat.
Beer (adrien)


The Koala and the Little LizardA koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says "Hey Koala ! what are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a fewjoints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says…


"Fuuuuuuucccck dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Bobert
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 04:12 PM

Ebbieeeeeeeee!!! There... No doom and gloom there... Hey, Eb!!!

Okay...

"My Living Will"

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her...

..." I never want to live in a vegetative state, depemdent on some machine and fluids froma bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all. If that happens, juts pull the plug..."

So...





















...she got up, inplugged the computer and threw out my wine?!?!?...

She is such a witch!!!

B~

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 04:40 PM

excuses excuses

now in HD

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 04:55 PM

torture either way

Imam

house and car


hard choice

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Ebbie
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 06:07 PM

(Hi Beaubear!)

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Bobert
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 06:15 PM

Awwww, shucks, Eb... I been missin' you... I got yer guitar case name tag right here next to my pudder... Don't ask me why I have it but I think we traded geetar cases at the last G-Away we both were at...

Sorry 'bout the geetar case mixup an' endin' the last sentence with a preposition but, hey...

Beaubear

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 10:12 PM

WARNING!!! DO NOT SWALLOW BUBBLEGUM!!!

Another warning. I copied this picture to my computer and it took over as my background and disabled any attempts to change it. Bert

Subject: RE: BS: Doom, gloom, boom, whom?
From: Peace
Date: 26 Jan 08 - 06:24 PM

And what's the warning?