BS: Toilet Seats

Subject: BS: Toilet Seats
From: Dazbo
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 04:06 AM

So what can you catch from them?

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: Rasener
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 04:09 AM

Depends where you are at the time. Maybe a rat!

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 04:09 AM

Splinters?

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: skipy
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 04:55 AM

Crabs.
Skipy

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 05:12 AM

Since I heard Kendall tell about Miss Effie's privy, I don't go down there no more.

My Granfer's toilet was a huge Victorian thing, with a polished mahogany seat about 4ft square. The hole was a little smaller than modern appliances, but you had room to put your cup of tea, your book or newspaper, a pipe and ashtray and the toilet paper, without danger of knocking them into the sink. The cistern was a proper overhead chain puller thing so you didn't get that nasty hard edge in the middle of your back like you do these days. Now Granfer's toilet seat would take up all the space in most public cubicles.

I was in a public cubicle last Sunday, where the door opened only so far because the edge of the toilet bowl was blocking it. To close the door, I had to squash up to the cistern and almost sit sidesaddle before I could move the door. Once seated, I could reach out and put my hand flat on the door without stretching.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: GUEST,Greycap
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 05:15 AM

Tickled with this thread.
I've just had knee replacement surgery and the NHS lend you a device to use called the "Raised Toilet Seat" which adds a further 5 or 6 inches to your existing bog. In attractive light grey plastic, a 'must-have' for Christmas!!

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 05:22 AM

Ah yes.. a mate of mine had one of those when he bust his leg... didn't like it because it kept slipping off when he needed to 'wipe'.

But they are "wipe clean"....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: Megan L
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 05:29 AM

Weel if ye aim right ye can catch a man but the blighters are awfy sneaky they keep moving so its difficult tae get a good clean shot
:P

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 05:56 AM

Do the open seats spin round like horseshoes and can you catch blokes round the leg with 'em?

LTS

Subject: Lyr Add: THE CRABFISH
From: JennyO
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 07:22 AM

So what can you catch from them?

Dunno, I've never tried fishing in one. So what bait would you use? Maybe this?

THE CRABFISH

Oh, there was a little man and he had a little horse
And he saddled it, bridled it and threw his leg across.
Mister raddle-um, faddle-um
Oh, Mister raddle-um, faddle-um a-day.

He rode, he rode till he came to brook
And there he saw a fisherman, a-fishing with his hook.

"Fisherman, oh fisherman, oh fisherman," says he,
"Have you got a lobster that you can sell to me?"

"No sir, no sir, no sir," says he,
"But I've got a crabfish that I will sell to thee."

Well he grabbed the crabfish by the backbone,
Put it o'er his shoulder and galloped off home.

Well when he got home he couldn't find a dish,
So he put it in the pot where his missus used to pish.

In the middle of the night, she got up to squat
And the crabfish grabbed her by the glory-be-to-God!

"Oh, husband, oh husband, oh husband come hither,
The devil's in the pish pot and got me on his tether."

Well, she grabbed the brush and he grabbed the broom
And the beat the little crabfish all around the room.

They beat him on the head and they beat him in the side
And they beat him in the bollix till the poor old bugger died.

Now the moral of this story is very plain to see:
Take a good look in the pish pot before you take a pee.

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 08:04 AM

And it's no use standing on the seat,
The crabs in here can jump six feet.

eric

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: Billy Suggers
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 08:13 AM

Cue for antique grafitti
"This ruddy ole bog'ouse is no good at all
The Seat is too high and the hole is too small"

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: Doktor Doktor
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 08:14 AM

To which we must add the obvious retort;
Your ass is too large and your legs are too short

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 08:40 AM

It's no use going round next door,
The crabs in there jump six feet more.

eric

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 08:43 AM

Bad taste joke,

Doctor to patient " I'm afraid you've got VD "

Patient to doctor " I must have caught it from a toilet seat "

Doctor " you must have been chewing it then , it's in you gums as well "

eric

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 08:44 AM

All men who are horizontally challenged should make sure the seat is held firmly 'UP' when standing to urinate. A falling seat can have tragic consequences.

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 09:44 AM

So can resting knadgers on a cold porcelain rim....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 10:14 AM

Remember, only flies on the toilet seat get pissed off.

(And then there was the cat who liked to watch the water go down -- occasionally he peered in early before the male-type person was finished...)

Linn

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: kendall
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 10:17 AM

"A man's ambition must be small to write dumb stuff of a shithouse wall"

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: artbrooks
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 10:29 AM

"He who writes on shithouse walls, rolls his shit in little balls,
"And he who reads these words of wit, eats those little balls of shit."

And then there are "guy" seats, with an opening in the front, vs. "gal" seats that are a closed oval. If you combine a small john with a small gal's seat and a guy with a big butt, there are fit issues to deal with. And I'm not talking about...never mind.

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: Slag
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 10:41 AM

Oh yes Artbrooks. Your's was the one I was looking for. Etched on the mirrors and stall doors on every other public toilet in America. You can't hide talent. You can't hide genius. This thread ought now to be officially closed.

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 10:46 AM

Funny how you never get erudite poetry and prose like that on the walls of Ladies toilets.....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: artbrooks
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 10:57 AM

Slag, you clearly spend much of your time in a high class of toilet. Me personally, I've never seen that verse written on a public john's wall.

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 10:58 AM

Yeah Liz - nothin' but phone numbers in the ones I've helped clean.


I believe that the most "impressive" notation I've seen in a restroom was the one that said:

"Please do not discard cigarette butts in the urinal.
The hands that clean the urinal may mix your next drink."

John

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 11:03 AM

There was a realy weird self-sanitising bog seat in a cafe in Barnard Castle. In fact the toilets themselves were a bit odd - reached via a spiral staircase - but the seat gave a little squirt of some sort of disinfectant as you rose. Trouble is if you were not quite quick enough it got you on the bum!

DtG

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: Slag
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 11:04 AM

Artbrooks, you must be visiting the odd numbered urinals. Or using the Ladies' Room.

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: artbrooks
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 11:04 AM

Sure you didn't find a bidet by mistake?

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: GUEST,Proud owner
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 11:11 AM

I recently selected a fine new toilet seat from my local Argos. For such a fine piece of solid wood and workmanship I was pleasantly surprised at the price - only £7.49

I installed the piece last weekend and am very pleased with its comfort and aesthetics

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: Slag
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 11:11 AM

ooooh. So that's what that was!

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: Rasener
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 11:22 AM

Mommy Mommy, can I lick the bowl out?

No, pull the chain like the rest of us.

I'm in a bar, having a few drinks, when I realize I gotta take a leak. So I go into one of the toilets, and moments later, the guy in the next stall, says "Hi. How's it going?" So, I go "Uhhh, all right."
A couple of seconds later he says, "What are ya doing tonight?" So, naturally I replied, "Just having' a couple of beers, and then I'm going home."
The next thing he says is, "Listen, I'll call you back later. There's an idiot in the next toilet, answering everything I say."

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: manitas_at_work
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 12:09 PM

While waiting to board the ferry at Dover I went into the new loos there and was surprised when I sat down to get my fundament washed with freezing cold water! The flushing was operated by waving a hand over a sensor in the wall behind the pedestal and I had leaned back too far.

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 07:01 PM

SIGN IN THE MEN'S ROOM:

"Please do not throw cigarettes in the urinal!
It makes them soggy, and hard to light."

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 07:14 PM

The toilet-seat was, of course, invented by an Englishman.

It was an Irishman who invented the hole in it.

Seamus

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: terrier
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 07:39 PM

LTS's reminiscences of Granfers privvy reminds me of when I was very young, our thunder box was downstairs, through the creepy cellar and out into the yard (shudder)

Recently read a short book, 'Great Ty Bachs of Wales' . My favourite one was the three holer at Ffestiniog. Friendly people, the Welsh.

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 08:52 PM

In my freshman year at the University of Minnesota, back in the depths of antediluvian time (1948-49), I took a course called "Public Health 101" or some such name.

Marvelous lecturer. He spoke from an outline, and he followed his outline! (Mirabile dictu!) He might say, "XYZ comes in three parts", and I'd write down,

XYZ
   and below it,
1
2
3
with space between.
   He would explain 1, then 2, then 3. Then he'd proceed to the next topic. Because he was SO organized, my notes were a wonderful reflection of his lectures. I know that I could repeat his first three lectures almost verbatim for years.

   So what's that got to do with toilet seats?

   He was discussing avenues of infection, and he discussed fomites.
(FO-mi-tees). What are fomites? They are objects, such as a drinking glass, a doorknob, or a toilet seat.

   He told us that it is RARE if not nonexistent to catch a venereal disease from fomites, "much to the dismay of those who want to claim that they got their gonorrhea or syphilis from a toilet seat". The infectious agents are highly susceptible to drying. If a sufferer "left something" on a toilet seat and another user came along immediately and sat down on a wet deposit, it just might be able to "catch", but even then it's highly unlikely.

Because of his great lecture organization and my resultant good notes, I got an A in the course, I'm pleased to say.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 09:12 PM

Good point, Dave. There's a reason why sexually transmitted diseases are sexually transmitted. It's because the microorganisms that cause them have adapted to living in a very narrow range of conditions. They don't live long enough outside the body for transmission to occur in a non-sexual manner.

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 09:56 PM

Toilet seats...well, I'm in favor of 'em.

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: Bert
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 10:35 PM

Well Squeaks, your Granfer must have come from a high class area.

Polished mahogany indeed, My Granma's in Canning Town was plain old pine and unfinished at that, about five feet wide and two and a half front to back.

Warmer than polished mahogany though.

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: Bert
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 10:53 PM

LOL, Seamus, but don't forget, they still use the English invention TO COVER UP THE IRISH ONE!!!

BA BOOM!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 24 Nov 06 - 03:42 AM

My granfer was a farmer and his house was a Jacobean (built in 1640something) town house - very up and coming because the Victorian owner (probably something to do with the Earl of Ilchester who owns the village) put the toilet inside! It was in a room totally devoid of any other item, but with a window that perfectly framed the chapel on the hill behind the village.

It may not have been mahogany, but it was a beautiful dark red wood, polished by the bums of the gentry who probably once used the house as a shooting lodge. It was called 'Town Farm' but the milking parlour was a good 1/2 mile away and there were never animals in the yard, unless it were the horses.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: Mrs.Duck
Date: 24 Nov 06 - 10:07 AM

Best toilet seat I have encountered was in a little cafe off the main square in Bruges. When you pressed the flush button the whole seat turned 360 degrees under a sanitising wiper.

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: GUEST, Topsie
Date: 24 Nov 06 - 10:43 AM

Belgian toilets must have improved since I was there last!

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: GUEST,Jack Campin
Date: 24 Nov 06 - 11:24 AM

I was in Croatia in 1991, just after the end of the shooting war with Serbia. The friend I was staying with had a broken toilet seat and there was no way to replace it - in the former Yugoslavia, not only were most of the arms factories in Serbia, so were all the toilet seat factories. I suppose Tudjman knew about the first when starting a fight but maybe forgot about the other one.

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: GUEST,punkfolkrocker
Date: 24 Nov 06 - 12:17 PM

if anyone is thinking about it..

old mahogany or alder and ash bog seats & lids

are best for converting into electric guitar bodies..


dunno which would be best option for making a banjo !!!???


MDF ???

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 24 Nov 06 - 12:24 PM

Lilian Beckwith wrote a series of books about her experience of living in a Scottish crofting community, which I enjoyed very much. The Gaelic name of her rented house was something like Tigh-na-Mashroomaic, and it had a 'Wee Hoosie' at the bottom of the garden that had a 3 hole privy, the holes were not round but square. This was apparently done by a previous head of the household to render them uncomfortable and thereby stop his sons from spending too much time in there.
After a great deal of persuasion she eventually found out that the translation of the house name into English was 'The House of the Square Bums'

Giok

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: Metchosin
Date: 24 Nov 06 - 12:27 PM

Our new toilet seat scared the bejeezus out of one of our dogs. Its one of those slow close things and he looked like he thought some invisible malevolent hand had slowly lowered it before his very snout.

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: GUEST,punkfolkrocker
Date: 24 Nov 06 - 12:32 PM

when my mum was a young girl in war-time
and evacuated to deep rural North Wales..

she encountered something similar at the mountain cottage
where she was accommodated.

it was a small privvy sited on the edge of a cliff
with the seat holes positioned over a long drop
from the cliff edge..

she still fondly remembers losing a cat down one of the holes..


mum tells this story much better..!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: artbrooks
Date: 24 Nov 06 - 12:46 PM

When I served in Vietnam, our latrine (privy) was a 3-holer, with standard seats attached. Underneath were 55gal metal drums, cut in half, and every few days a local gentleman would come by, pull them out, pour in diesel fuel, and stand there stirring until the contents were semi-burned. One of my better memories of the period was, when our compound was hit by a typhoon, watching the latrine blow away and those drums roll off downwind.

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 24 Nov 06 - 03:15 PM

she still fondly remembers losing a cat down one of the holes..

What the hell was she doing eating a cat?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 24 Nov 06 - 03:30 PM

I'm just glad you said cat!
G.

Subject: RE: BS: Toilet Seats
From: Slag
Date: 24 Nov 06 - 03:31 PM

When I was 3 or 4 I visited my grandfolks and they still had the out house as well as indoor plumming. My grandfather had a garage and machine shop and kept the outie for customers and the ocassional need for privacy. Well, I used it too. And when I was done and wiped my little bottom I looked down the hole and noted that all I had deposited was lying on a bed of ashes. Hmmmm? Well, I went in and got a match and dropped it down the hole and then ran off to play. After a while I heard the fire engines coming with sirens blaring and wow! they were stopping at my grandparent's home. Was something on fire??? Grandpa was not happy but my grandmother was delighted. She never liked that outhouse and had now gotten rid of the blemish on her landscape.