BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected

Subject: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: Fibula Mattock
Date: 17 Nov 04 - 09:59 AM

From the BBC and other worthy news sources:

"Christmas dinners throughout the UK are under threat this year from a shortage of lard"
(http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/4012597.stm)

Skipjack, my sweetness, sort this out!! What have Lard Boy and his greasemonkeys been up to?

(...and this in the wake of a Branson Pickle Catastrophe... it's all too much.)

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 17 Nov 04 - 10:05 AM

Don't Panic! Don't Panic!

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 17 Nov 04 - 10:11 AM

It's the geordies fault with their bloody ' lardy cake '

eric

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: MMario
Date: 17 Nov 04 - 10:11 AM

PORK FAT RULES!

They are reccomending margerine or cooking oil in Christmas pud and mincemeat? Are they NUTS?

Suet or Lard. my third choice would be butter. Margerine probably slightly below solid vegetable shortening and oil WAY WAY down on the list.

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: Dead Horse
Date: 17 Nov 04 - 10:29 AM

The rich girl uses Vaseline, the poor girl uses lard.
But Dinah uses nothing at all.........because there is a shortage, apparently.

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: Paco Rabanne
Date: 17 Nov 04 - 10:31 AM

Aucun Francais decent tel que me ne toucherait la substance!!!

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 17 Nov 04 - 11:17 AM

You can't beat lard. Great in sandwiches with a smear of Marmite. Beef dripping is the stuff for fish and chips. The Empire was built on clogged arteries. Vegetable oil is for woofters and arty farty types. Renderers of the world unite.

Don't worry about the Branston Pickle, the mines reopen first week of December.

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: mack/misophist
Date: 17 Nov 04 - 12:49 PM

The Spanish word for lard is 'manteca'. Since California had a town named Manteca, it must be constructed of lard. Help yourselves.

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: darkriver
Date: 17 Nov 04 - 02:41 PM

Après moi, le lard....

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 18 Nov 04 - 04:14 AM

This is becoming forrern langwidge shite. No comprendez!

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: Paco Rabanne
Date: 18 Nov 04 - 04:36 AM

desole, je parle seulement francais!

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: Greyeyes
Date: 18 Nov 04 - 05:58 AM

Eric the Red, Lardy Cake comes from Wiltshire, the Kingdom of the Pig, not geordie-land.

Lardy Cake

I have used vegetarian suet for years in Christmas pud and mince pies and I defy anyone to taste the difference. The fat in these items is to keep them moist, not to add flavour to dishes stuffed full of fruit, spice, booze & sugar; you simply can't taste it.

Fish & chips are best fried in beef fat because you CAN taste the difference. Pastry is best made (IMHO) with a mixture of butter and lard, for optimum flavour & crispness. Potatoes roasted in lard are the crispest by far, no matter what chefs may tell you about duck or goose fat.

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 18 Nov 04 - 06:04 AM

Spot on Greyeyes. Although a smidgin of olive oil with the roast tatties imparts a not disagreeable flavour.

PS: Can I come to your house for dinner?

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: Skipjack K8
Date: 18 Nov 04 - 06:25 AM

..............and I would've got away with it if it wasn't for you pesky favourite doctor of archaelogy.

Yes, I have cornered lard futures with a massive pension fund raid. I've started selling, but the next phase in the sting is a hostile bid for the private health sector that will be the natural beneficiary of the clogged artery epidemic that the National Health will be overwhelmed by. Cunning, eh!

Eat more lard! You know it makes sense.

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: Greyeyes
Date: 18 Nov 04 - 06:51 AM

More than welcome, Mingulay. It's lard soup tonight.

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 18 Nov 04 - 07:15 AM

Help is near! Since St. Martin's day Nov. 11) the geese are slaughtered over here to celebrate his memory, and there is lard abundant!
Pig lard never is short, too, in my home state in the heart of Germany.
Come over and buy it; it also will teach you to appreciate our common €uropean currency - no losses in changing money across the border.

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: Greyeyes
Date: 18 Nov 04 - 08:05 AM

Some lardy links:

Lard

Buy Lard

Lard cam

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 18 Nov 04 - 09:16 AM

Thanks for the invitation Greyeyes, lard soup is one of my favourites.
I just love the way you have to scoop off the top 6 inches of solidified lard to get at the soft stuff underneath. I trust it has added lard for maximum effect.

Loved the lard links. There's a thought, lard sausages! Best grilled for reduced fat.

Lard, the true X factor.

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: MMario
Date: 18 Nov 04 - 09:25 AM

The network stations could take some advice in programing from 'Lard Cam' !!! fascinating.

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: Greyeyes
Date: 18 Nov 04 - 09:39 AM

I shall be serving it with croutons of suet.

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 18 Nov 04 - 10:00 AM

Ok if it's not the geordies then it's the Mexicans with thier bloody refried beans.

Come on, it's got to be someones fault.

eric

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 18 Nov 04 - 10:17 AM

This all brings back memories of the great fried bread and spotted dick shortages of the early seventies. Then it was blamed on the three day week, the Tory party and the switch to decimal currency. You don't need to refry beans, just open the can and let them dry out.

Croutons of suet sound good with the soup, but I like very streaky bacon crispy fried in, you guessed it, lard. That and a nice chunk of proper WHITE bread with dripping.

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: MMario
Date: 18 Nov 04 - 10:31 AM

I'm sure the spotted dick shortages of the early 70's was due to increased censorship and public prudishness -

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: Paul from Hull
Date: 18 Nov 04 - 10:48 AM

http://www.jmanx.com/images/funny/lard.jpg

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: GUEST,The Viking
Date: 18 Nov 04 - 10:54 AM

Psst, don't tell anyone, but I know where there is a lard mountain. It is stored in the cool, down a deep dark cellar where the rats do dwell.Illuminated by only a single swinging light it used to be the place of virgin sacrifice. I was once let down there with several virgins of ill repute, but escaped.

South of the Humber is where you need to start looking!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: MMario
Date: 18 Nov 04 - 11:12 AM

time to establish trade with Discworld - someone could make a killing inporting fat from the Uberwalds.

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 18 Nov 04 - 11:20 AM

That's not a lard mountain, that's Scunthorpe. Although I'm not sure about the virgins, think that must be to mislead us into thinking it's somewhere else.

In the street of thousand arc lamps, 'neath the sign of the swinging.....

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: Fibula Mattock
Date: 18 Nov 04 - 01:08 PM

I know, i woz that virgin.
We failed to find the secret tunnel to the lard deposits (no euphemisms intended), but we did come up with a rousing blues number to compensate.

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Nov 04 - 02:18 PM

Never Fear! Idaho is coming through again!

Yes, again. Once again Idaho, land of opals, potatoes, and lentils, is going to Save Britain. Even now the Idaho Legion is out collecting Lard Bundles For Britain, and Idahoans (don't call them "Idahoers", at least not to their face) are responding. Several trains, each carrying over 2,000 tons of lard, are on their way to ports on the East and Gulf Coasts with Pig Fat For Britain. The LSTs (Lard, Ships Tranporting) will sail as soon as they are loaded.

We have mobilized, again assisting our Albion associates. During the coming holidays Legionaires 'n' Legionettes will be outside local stores, taverns, slaughterhouses, abattoires, butcher shops, carnecerias, brewhouses, distilleries and pig farms, ringing bells and collecting buckets and buckets of Lard For Britain. The collected renderings will be airlifted, courtesy of the Military Airlift Command, to the UK in time for the cooking of Christmas cuisine.

Britain, in this, your time of trouble, Idaho salutes you!!

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: Fibula Mattock
Date: 18 Nov 04 - 02:30 PM

Lard Aid. happy days!

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 19 Nov 04 - 05:17 AM

There used to be two lard mountains in the USA, Orson Welles and Marlon Brando.

eric

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 19 Nov 04 - 07:54 AM

Oh lardy lardy, I do declare, yo' po' boys doan know youse bin bawn till yo' tried chitlins fried in axle grease, dat lard baint no damn good fir cookin' nithin.

It's also useless for getting you from Scunthorpe to Penistone.

Lord Lard o' Grease

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: Hand-Pulled Boy
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 06:51 AM

Christ, this serious.

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 06:57 AM

I wish the Russians had never built the Lada's.

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 10:50 AM

I'm sorry to have to tell the UKers this, but there has been an accident with the Lard Trains.

Two of them were making for an LST in Portland, Oregon and were running on the tracks of the old Oregon Short Line road as it was the most direct route from Idaho to the LST.

As the first train, loaded with 2,000 tons of law, was rounding a steep downhill curve, the last two lard cars flipped onto their sides, spilling lard all over the tracks and creating a condition that the engineer (driver) of the following train described as "slicker'n the shit from a goose with the Seven Day Scours."

To make a long story short, the first train eventually jumped the rails. The second train, unable to get traction because of the lard spill, did the same. Fortunately, there was no loss of life as the train crew, bums, transients, and assorted do-gooders managed to jump clear.

The trains and their cargo ended up in the now-active caldera of Mt. St. Helens, creating the world's largest deep-fat-fryer. Rumor has it that McDonald's is sending airlifting tons of french fries to the site.

More information as it becomes believable.

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 11:04 AM

Freedom fries PLEASE!
As Ring Lardner himself once said, "If Turkey was in trouble Greece wouldn't help"

Lard Jim

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: GUEST,Betsy
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 11:13 AM

Its the Fox hunting fraternity - being partiucularly vociferous in the last few months, they've used up their yearly portion of Lardy Dahs - and are now eating into the nations reserves.

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 11:17 AM

Or even; If Turkey was attacked from the rear, would Greece help?.
DOH!..... Giok

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 11:31 AM

McDonald's calls 'em "French Fries." In fact, I've only been in one place where they were not called "French Fries" and they were changing back with the next printing of the menu.

A state like Idaho, which borders on the Tetons and has towns with names like Coeur d'Alene, St. Maries, Dubois, and Bruneau; lakes like Lake Pend Oreille, and tribes like the Nez Perce -- we call 'em French Fries.

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: GUEST,Skipy
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 05:17 AM

The German word for "lard" is schweineschmalz, but I can't find the town!

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 06:04 AM

Not only that Rapaire they even have the nerve to call it FOOD.

eric

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: Pogo
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 01:04 AM

*laffs* Ughhhh why do I feel like I have to immediately go on a diet after reading this thread? {O)

" Ooop hang on a second...I'm passing a ham through my left ventricle! "

Long live lard...though it ain't quite my cup of rendered fat

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 04:06 AM

I can do you Rheinphalz if that's any good!
Giok

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 04:22 AM

Was called away to supervise unloading Lard Aid flights this weekend and only just got back. Our thanks go to our American cousins for this much needed donation. Just one point, however, on the next flights please make sure the lard is packaged. I know it's quicker to just shovel it on board but it's hell to hack it out and separate it from the blue ice!

WARNING!!!! Impending world shortage of chipping potatoes. With all available transport moving potatoes into Idaho for the fry up the rest of the world is going short. Hull trawlers (what's left) are all doing sea going overtime to provide extra fish. Next problem will be a shortage of newspapers to wrap them in.

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 04:29 AM

I'm brewing vinegar as fast as I can!
Giok

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 05:23 AM

Thank you Giok, I trust it's the proper malt stuff. Now all we need is a volunteer to do the pickled onions, eggs and gherkins.

Harry Ramsden eat your heart out!

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 07:45 AM

Tetleys have been brewing it for years only they call it ' bitter '

eric

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 07:53 AM

I wouldn't dare insult good chips with stuff like Tetleys.

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: GUEST,jOhn
Date: 05 Apr 05 - 02:49 PM

I been to Sainsberries yesterday, i notice they got no lard.
they made a sign=
"sorry we got no lard, we got summat called Cookeen instead".


Its some kind of lardy veg oil stuff.

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 05 Apr 05 - 05:30 PM

DON'T EAT IT!!!

The name sounds too much like this stuff they tried using here in the States a few years back called "Oleen". It was totally non-fattening because it wasn't digestable. It was supposed to pass right through your system with no ill effects. Well, turned out that as it passed through in it's indigested greasy state, it acted as a very efficient lubricant. This caused a lot of embarassment when people thought they were sneaking out a little fart and got an unexpected surprise in the form of trousers full of greasy shit instead.

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: Skipjack K8
Date: 05 Apr 05 - 07:32 PM

Ah remember it well, Beed, I believe you American chaps called the unpleasant side effect 'Jockey Slip'. The product that I recall was named 'Olestra' that I think was marketed by P&G. I understand that it was a 'protected' fat that didn't break down in the stomach of monogastrics. It still remains a Holy Grail for food companies, but not, as you suggest, at the expense of the consumer wearing diapers.

Subject: RE: BS: lard shortage! Hull9 influence suspected
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 06 Apr 05 - 03:48 AM

Bee-dubya I am at the moment ROFLMAO and trying not to fart. I have too fertile an imagination at times.