BS: Stupid Qwestions

Subject: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 08:33 PM

A few years ago, a mate of mine [Trevor] lost his leg when he was knocked off a motorbke, and his leg was crushed under a truck.
A while later, he took his car driving test, he had not had his false leg fitted at that time, so was hopping on crutches.
The driving examiner said "it says here, you have a disability, what is your disability?"

Trevor just looked at him, and said "Are you taking the piss?"

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 09:40 PM

I had a flat tire, so I pulled onto the apron of a gas station. Got out of the car, opened the truck, pulled out the spare, the jack, and so on. A car pulled up, and a man quite seriously asked me, "Did you know that you have a flat?"

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: Amos
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 09:45 PM

"No, I was just counting my tire-changing tools in case.....Why?"


A

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: Blissfully Ignorant
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 09:47 PM

I was once asked by7 the police if i had been drinking..

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 11:28 PM

I've always wanted to engage in this conversation:

Cop: "May I see your license, sir?"
Me: "Geez, I'd have thought you couldn't miss it, since it's framed and on the wall in the Judge's chambers!"

But I've never had the guts.

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: Peace
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 12:01 AM

I know of a fellow who receives a disability income because he lost one of his legs while working with heavy machinery. He has to check in with the disability people every six months and present a doctor's certification that his condition hasn't changed. This is not a stupid qwestion, but it certainly does prompt a few, doesn't it?

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 05:04 AM

Does your head reach the top of your hat constable ?

eric

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 05:39 AM

When you're walking round ASDA pushing a shopping basket full of food and alcohol, you meet someone and they say "are you shopping"

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: MBSLynne
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 05:57 AM

Er...when you walk into the pub and someone says "Do you want a drink?" Not that I'd hold it against them of course!

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: Chris Green
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 07:03 AM

Pissed-up halfwits in pubs who say "Giz a go on your guitar, mate." If I've had a few as well I generally agree on the proviso that they let me drive their car around the block while they're doing it!

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: muppett
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 07:51 AM

how about when you're on a bus, train or in a pub and you're sat next to an empty seat & someone comes up to you & says, 'Is there someone sat on that seat?'

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 08:01 AM

when I worked on the inquiry line at work, a bloke said "You mean I have to ask a question to get information?" (no, we are mind readers)

another time I told a University student that his library held copies of our publications -
"But where's my library?" he said in a very puzzled voice
"Sorry, I've never been to your campus," I said politely

At work I have a large file full of goobers (= dumb things we have been asked over the years), don't get me started, I could take over this thread!!

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 08:58 AM

You're right about that, Sandra! You'd be surprised what people ask librarians! These are real, from my own experience:

"Do you have any books?"   (No, those things on the shelves have been repossessed.)

"You mean I have to read this?!" (Brilliant, Sherlock! Brilliant!)

"But why don't you have anything on the evolvution of the raccoon?" (Because nobody has written one -- why don't you get started, huh?)

"Do you know where the bathroom is?" (No, I use the lawn.)

"Why don't you people have any good books?" (We do, but we hide them from twits like you.)

"Why do you people charge so much in fines?" (It's personal -- we only charge you and you have to make up the difference in our budget.)

My second favorite stupid question, though:

You leave a meeting and puke into a potted palm just outside the door. You're sitting on a chair, vomit on your shirt, pale, just barely in control again and someone walks by and asks, "You sick or something?"

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: Bobert
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 09:12 AM

Glad you brought this one up, jOhn, 'cause it gives me an opportunity to get to one of my pet peeves:

Yer in a resturant and the watress askes not once, twice but three times. "You doing allright?"

Like what's this all about? Does she know something about the food that you don't?

Grrrrrrrr. I hate that...

Okay, maybe not hate, but intensely dislike, okay?

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: muppett
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 09:49 AM

Quotes from a group of youngsters I took on a on a weekend away in the Dales, potholing.

' Muppett how miles of undiscovered caves are there in this system?'

' When's the next Spring bank holiday winch down Gapping Gyill then? '

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 09:50 AM

Not sure if it's the same in the US but in U.K my favourite dislike of expression is the "Answered question".....to explain.
I am in the queue at the Theatre when someone I haven't seen for a while passes by and says "Hi Mike, what are you doing going to the theatre"??      Or they may say "What are you doing sitting there"?
or "What are you doing eating at Mc Donalds"?
Sure the Brits will understand what I am saying here...so many people do this.
Best wishes all.

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: muppett
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 09:53 AM

You meet someone you know in the Doctor's waiting room and they say
'HELLO, how you doing then?'

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 09:57 AM

My favourite library one was the student who wanted a fullsize map or globe of the world!

RtS
(Why is dyslexia so difficult to spell? Why does monsyllabic have so many syllables? What is an occasional table the rest of the time? Why is there only one Monopolies Commission? Why does the hearing clinic want to make appointments by telephone?)

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 10:09 AM

Going in to the doctor's surgery "How are you, I haven't seen you for a long time".

No, I've been ill.

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: muppett
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 10:30 AM

' Are here all weekend or just Friday to Sunday'

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: Fibula Mattock
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 10:53 AM

There are no such thing as stupid questions, only stupid people asking questions.

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: Sorcha
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 10:59 AM

How much is the free coffee?

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: SINSULL
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 11:00 AM

From an irate lady tourist at the Portland Head Lighthouse:
"What time of year is the tide full? Everytime I come here it is low tide."

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: muppett
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 11:07 AM

A similar one to Sorcha;

A 50p Cornet please ........... How much is that then?

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: Chris Green
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 11:16 AM

Someone once asked me if I had any CDs by the songwriter Trad Arr!

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: muppett
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 11:30 AM

A pub I frequent in Whitby Sells guest beer. A list of the ones available is chalked up on a board. One weekend they ran out of the guest beers and as a joke the landlord chalked up ' Didly Squat and Bugger all' on the board and You've guessed it, It wasn't long before some ral ale drinker came in and asked for a pint of it.

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: Chris Green
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 11:41 AM

A florist near me used to sell Calor Gas as well. My mum went in and asked what kind of flowers were calorgas and could she have a bunch.

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: GLoux
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 03:10 PM

Did you ever hear the song, "Foolish Questions" ?

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 05:59 PM

Have you lived here all your life?

No - I'm not dead yet.

Can you see me across the road?

Dunno - I'll go and have a look.

:D

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: GUEST
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 06:09 PM

We are attending John's funeral tomorrow.

Oh, did he die?

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: GUEST,heric
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 06:58 PM

A guy once asked me if the Pope was Catholic.

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: Joe_F
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 09:48 PM

I once read that a fairly common question asked of park rangers at the Grand Canyon was "What tools did they use?" On inquiry, it turns out that some think it was built by the Native Americans for religious purposes, and others that it was a WPA project in the '30s (that would certainly have made a dent in the unemployment figures).

If I ever have occasion to be in contempt of court, I will follow the example of the man who said "If I could tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, I'd *be* God".

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: Bill D
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 09:52 PM

"you're going to have daylight savings time, and change the whole country's clocks? Won't that confuse the chickens?"

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: van lingle
Date: 13 Nov 04 - 06:06 AM

Back in my (U.S.) high school history class the teacher asked wether anyone knew the current value of the pound and I volunteered that it was about $2.40. The All-Met lineman behind me tapped me on the shoulder and asked "Hey Dave, 240 a pound for what?"

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: Joe_F
Date: 13 Nov 04 - 10:12 PM

In a highschool class, I heard someone ask the teacher what a syntack was. (She didn't hear.)

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 27 Nov 04 - 10:10 PM

waht is a syntack?

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: Gypsy
Date: 27 Nov 04 - 10:13 PM

We live in a coastal tourist trap......the all time, top question, long about July: "Where are the whales?" I generally reply that they will be at the pub by 5pm.

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: Carly
Date: 27 Nov 04 - 11:21 PM

During the years I worked in a bookstore we often heard some variation on "I'm looking for this book about a hairdresser, or maybe it was a dentist- it has a blue cover. Do you have it?" The scary thing was that sometimes I knew the book that was wanted! I also worked for a while at a very large fabric store, and would have to cope with telephone questions along the lines of " I have a suit and I need matching fabric to replace the skirt.It's red, well, kind of burgundy, wool, you know that color; do you have it in stock?"!!!!!

Personally, the most annoying question was one I heard several times while I was pregnant. "Oh, you are going to have a baby. Was it planned?" (Of course, I'm going to stand here in the post office and discuss my sex life!)I never had the nerve to smile sweetly and say that my husband didn't want the chid, and I was trying to decide whether to leave him or jump off a roof, thanks for asking, but I thought about it.

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: Helen
Date: 27 Nov 04 - 11:29 PM

I read this in a magazine many years ago, but I like the snappy retort:

Q: "Are you pregnant?"
A: "No, I'm just carrying it for a friend."

One of my coworkers once asked "What date is Christmas this year?"

The dedicated readers of Mills & Boon romantic fiction are a breed of their own. They used to come into the public library branches and only check the returned books which we left on the trolley near the circulation desk.

Silly question on seeing an empty trolley: "Aren't there any books in today? I'll come back when you get some in."

But my favourite is still: "Do you have the book called Tequila Mockingbird?"

Helen

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: fat B****rd
Date: 28 Nov 04 - 11:56 AM

A former female colleague asked me if I could still "Y'know..." after I'd had a vasectomy.

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: Leadfingers
Date: 28 Nov 04 - 12:16 PM

A year or so back someone asked the late Bill Eddy (Fine Fiddle Player he was) for "That Scottish Waltz" . Despite several attempts to identify the tune , NO joy . Then about half an hour later - "Thats
the tune I asked for!!" Guess what tune ? The Dashing White
Sergeant !!

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: Don Firth
Date: 28 Nov 04 - 12:33 PM

A couple of good library ones up above.

My wife works at the new Seattle Public Library (million of volumes). A real favorite seems to be, "Can you help me? I'm looking for a particular book. I can't remember the title or the author's name, but it's about this big (showing with the hands) and it has a sort of light blue cover. . . ."

I think book stores get this one too.

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: *Laura*
Date: 28 Nov 04 - 01:04 PM

How about when you're waiting at the bus stop and someone comes up - "Has the bus come yet?"

And I got a few when I was working at the festivals - here's my personal favourite -

woman: do you know Eliza Carthy's songs?
me: I know some of them
woman: (with delighted smile) oh great! well, I really liked this one she just played - it had loads of noise and music in it - which CD is it on?

I kid you not! This was a real question! I rest my case.

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: *Laura*
Date: 28 Nov 04 - 01:06 PM

You get that with CDs too Don. Sometimes they add the helpful detail - 'oh they played here about nine years ago'
when I was what? seven!

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: greg stephens
Date: 28 Nov 04 - 01:14 PM

My neighbour Elsie was an incredible star at this game. If I went out with a basket of washing, I'd no sooner got the first shirt on the line when she'd be out: "Hanging out the washing, eh. Greg?". Or as you were getting into the car "Going out then Greg?". Her masterpiece was the day the Lune flooded and our beck was rising fast at end of the gardens. "Putting out the sandbags, Greg?".

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: GUEST,Toenails john
Date: 28 Nov 04 - 02:05 PM

One cafe always asks this stupid qwestion

For the sake of their own privacy I won't mention that it's O'Briens Irish sandwich bar(shit I knew i'd slip up) mind you as you'll see i start the ball rolling with an entirely stupid qwestion of my own, while in a sandwich bar......

Stupid qwestion 1
Me: Hello can I have a chicken sandwich with a BLACK coffee please?

Stupid qwestion 2
Certainly sir, milk or sugar in the coffee?

Grrrrrr Can you get a black coffee with milk in ANY part of the world??

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 28 Nov 04 - 02:26 PM

The odd one there is Georgiansiver's "Answered question" - surely when people say things like "What are you doing going to the theatre"??, surely that's just an idiomatic way of sayingg "Why are you going to the theatre?" I mean, you might think it's an insulting questionm, but there's nothing stupid about the way it is phrased, it's just how the English language works.

What gets me is "Are you doing anything?" when you clearly are doing something, as a way of interrupting you to ask you to do something else. "Sorry to interrupt what you are doing", that is a much politer way of doing it.

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: Moonunit
Date: 28 Nov 04 - 03:11 PM

Moonunit: Can I have a neat whiskey please
Bartender: Certainly, would you like some cola in your neat whiskey?

Friend: Can I have a side order of chips?
Waiter: Would you like some chips with that?

Stoopid Mwoonunit thought of the day: Is there such a thing as an untidy whiskey...?

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: Helen
Date: 28 Nov 04 - 03:20 PM

Don Firth,

When I worked in the library someone told me that there was a prison library somewhere in Oz, organised by one of the inmates, and it was arranged with all the big yellow books together, then the little yellow books, then the big blue books etc etc. Apparently it worked pretty well as a system. Couldn't convince the library boffins to try it at our branch though. :-D

Helen

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: Cluin
Date: 28 Nov 04 - 04:00 PM

If I become blood brothers with someone, does that mean I've also become blood brothers with whomever he'd become blood brothers with in the past?

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: Cluin
Date: 28 Nov 04 - 04:12 PM

Or would we be blood brothers once removed?

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: GUEST,Harmoni
Date: 28 Nov 04 - 04:42 PM

A couple of tourist questions:


A tourist asked if our Canadian flag comes in any other colours.

Another tourist asked why Gene Wilder was on our $10 bill.

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Nov 04 - 05:11 PM

GUEST,heric said:

A guy once asked me if the Pope was Catholic.

Two things here:

That phrase, "Is the Pope Catholic?", as you might already know, is used to mean "Of course!"

But there are extremely, radically conservative Catholics who seriously will tell you that the Pope is not Catholic, on the ground that he and his recent predecessors have abandoned what these old-liners insist are the very essence of historical Catholicism.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: Moses
Date: 29 Nov 04 - 11:48 AM

Not a stupid question, but a VERY irritating statement when I have just settled myself into an empty seat (bus, meeting, cinema etc.) and the person seated next to me says "Sorry, someone is sitting there".

Just once, I got up, turned round and addressed this imaginery person with the words "I do apologise for sitting on you". Surprisingly little reaction was shown.

Why did I get up? If there is a next time I shall say in a very loud voice "YOU'LL HAVE TO SPEAK UP, I'VE LEFT MY HEARING AID AT HOME" and continue in that vein until they get fed up and leave (or someone much larger and uglier than me turns up to claim their seat).

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: GUEST
Date: 29 Nov 04 - 01:39 PM

I'm out in the yard tending to some steaks on gas barbecue and my nosey neighbor (that nobody likes much) says, "Hey neighbor, barbecuing today are you?" I want to say, "Nah. I'm going into the blacksmith trade and this here is my firebox." Ah-duuhhh!

I worked in the lumber department at Home Depot (a chain of huge D.I.Y. warehouses). While stacking some boards, surrounded by nothing but wood in all directions, a customer comes up and says, "'Scuse me, is this lumber?" I was barely able to keep myself from saying, "Nah. This is a toothpick factory, and all this wood here you see is just waitin' to be cut up into little tiny pieces."

All Home Depot employees are required to wear a bright orange apron while on the clock. So, I'm on the sales floor at the Home Depot putting way some merchandise on the shelves, and a customer walks up and says, "Hey, do you work here?" I managed to resist the temptation to repond with, "Nah. I'm just wearing this orange apron as a fashion statement."

S

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: jonm
Date: 29 Nov 04 - 04:18 PM

So there I am in my lunchbreak, looking through the CDs in a store up the road, when someone asks me where the musicals are.

I realise that, in a suit and still wearing an ID badge, they think I might work there, so I show them the badge.

"So, you're a lecturer from the college as well. Do you know where I can find South Pacific?"

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid Qwestions
From: *Laura*
Date: 29 Nov 04 - 04:35 PM

"So this Guy Faulks bloke - do we let him off or what?"

or my variation -

"So this George Bush bloke - he's not so bad is he?"

xLx