Origins: Eskimo Nell

Subject: Eskimo Nell
From: GUEST,Thomas
Date: 12 Aug 01 - 08:09 PM

I've encountered vague references to a song called "The Ballad of Eskimo Nell". Is this a real song and does anyone have the lyrics/tune/artist/recording?

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: Sorcha
Date: 12 Aug 01 - 08:13 PM

Lyrics are in the DT here! If you put Eskimo Nell in the white search box you will also find discussions of it.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: Bill D
Date: 12 Aug 01 - 09:07 PM

at a workshop at our folk music camp maybe 10-12 years ago, we heard a complete rendition of Eskimo Nell...(read..not from memory)...boggles the mind!

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: RangerSteve
Date: 12 Aug 01 - 09:10 PM

I just read the poem. I'm at a loss for words. Thank you, Sorcha.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: Grab
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 08:43 AM

Has anyone ever heard this done from memory? I'm sure there must be _someone_ who can do it, but it'd certainly be a challenge!

Graham.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: Steve Parkes
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 09:18 AM

It's possible, but where are you going to get to perform it often enough for it to sink in properly? I set out years ago to memorise the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam (what's his name's 1st version), but only got about 1/3 of the way; but it gets tedious practicing, and the neighbours start complaining.

I see it's described as "imitation Robert Service", bt I've heard it actually attributed to him, though without provenance. Does anybody know for sure? If it was his, he proaly wrote other "unsuitable" stuff (although after 60-odd verses maybe he'd had eought!)

Steve

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: IanC
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 09:44 AM

Grab

I think you just have to ask around Rugby clubs in the UK. As far as I'm aware, Eskimo Nell has always been on the menu.

Cheers!
Ian

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: Grab
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 10:21 AM

Yeah, I know it's a traditional rugby song/recitation, but I can't imagine many ppl being able to remember all those verses in the middle of a good pissup!

Graham.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: IanC
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 10:38 AM

But they do. The normal Rugby version isn't all that long and I've heard longer recitals.

Cheers!
Ian

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: pavane
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 10:48 AM

Back in 1968, a friend of mine spent his entire 3rd year at University (London) memorising it, when he wasn't playing Bridge. I never DID hear him recite it though, so I don't know if he succeeded.

On another point, there have been many rumours about who wrote it, he was said to be a well known literary figure, but I never did uncover an actual name. Can we have some names of the supposed author?

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: Steve Parkes
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 11:42 AM

Yes--Robert Service (see above!)

Steve

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: IanC
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 11:58 AM

Grab

Sorry, I only just looked at the DT version. It's been Amalgamated from 3 or 4 different sources which is why it's so long. Most versions are rather less than half the length!

Cheers!
Ian

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: pavane
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 01:32 PM

Any other suggested authors though? I am sure the one I was told about was someone better known. (or maybe its just my ignorance of poets)

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: Abby Sale
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 06:40 PM

Martin Carthy recites a fine, dramatic recitation of a good, full version.

My understanding is that while it cannot be proven that Service wrote it, there are no other likely candidates. It is not unusual to find extremely bawdy material from otherwise "acceptable" or children's material authors.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: Gareth
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 06:55 PM

Well, I my Rugby playing youth we usually had one Herbert who could sing (if thats the right word) Eskimo Nell, my own party presentation was "the Harlot of Jerusalem", funny thing is as the beer kicks in you recall the verses. If sober you have difficulty recalling the name, let along the words.

Gareth

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: Gareth
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 06:56 PM

Well, I my Rugby playing youth we usually had one Herbert who could sing (if thats the right word) Eskimo Nell, my own party presentation was "the Harlot of Jerusalem", funny thing is as the beer kicks in you recall the verses. If sober you have difficulty recalling the name, let along the words.

Gareth

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: Joe_F
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 07:01 PM

The collation of the various versions, and most of the notes at the end, are mine.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: Joe_F
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 07:05 PM

The collation of the various versions, and most of the notes at the end, are mine.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: Snuffy
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 07:24 PM

Sure it's not Echo Nell?

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: Lin in Kansas
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 09:48 PM

There are 13 verses and an actual tune on p. 56 in Jerry Silverman's The Dirty Song Book, ISBN 0-88029-292-X, copyrighted in 1982 (formerly ISBN 0-8128-6118-3). I've transcribed the tune and sent it to MMario for the DT, so it will eventually be attached to the lyrics.

If anyone wants to hear it sooner, I could email them a midi maybe.

Lin

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: Grab
Date: 14 Aug 01 - 08:49 AM

I've got a rugby songs book at home with a "full" version which goes on for ever - I swear, it's longer than the Ancient Mariner! Have to post it for cross-reference purposes. Some of the other songs are worth knowing, but unfortunately it lacks the tune. Mind you, "tune" is arguable when 15 (plus subs) drunk rugby players are belting it out...

Graham.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: Joe Offer
Date: 28 Jan 04 - 09:10 PM

Copied from another thread:

The Mudcat Café TM
Thread #41018   Message #1103851
Posted By: Gareth
28-Jan-04 - 07:10 PM
Thread Name: song lyrics: the shooting of dan mcgrew
Subject: RE: song lyrics: the shooting of dan mcgrew


Now a question I will ask. Having sung/recited that seminal poem "The Ballad of Eskimo Nell", at many a Rugby Club or similar night, did Robert W. Service write "Eskimo Nell"?

Serious replys please !

Gareth

When a man growes old,
And his b**ls grow cold,
And the tip of his C**k turns blue,
When it bends in the middle
Like a one string fiddle.
He can tell you a tale or two."

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: GUEST,banjoman
Date: 29 Jan 04 - 07:35 AM

Many many years ago at a club in Liverpool hosted by the Original Old Rope band (the name was pinchedfrom them) I met a guy who produced a computer print out of Eskimo Nell.
We then spent a whole evening reading/singing it and counted 400 -Yes 400- verses. I don't know what happened to it and I suspect that lots of the verses were add ons to the original.

The song also included a few verses about another "Lady" called Sarah Cox :
This is the tale of Mary Cox
Who gave a thousand men the p**x
Now she's dead she's not forgotten
They just dig her up & Stuff her rotten.

Tho' she's known as Mary Tucker by the ones who used to f*** her
Her real name is Tulula Johnson Black
She's handled many a tool since the day she finished school
And made a darn fine living on her back

Thats all for now folks

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: greg stephens
Date: 29 Jan 04 - 07:47 AM

Seem to have lost a post so I'll try again.
Robert Service attribution seems highly unlikely to me. The piece(or at least the versions I have heard) seems to me a knowing slightly ironic 2oth century parody of Robert Service.
   I've seen it attributed to Noel Coward, A.P. Herbert and possibly others as well, on what evidence I havent a clue. But that sort of genre of writer seems a lot more likely than an actual bit of Robert Service. Take a couple of quotes:

He twitched his arsehole in and out
And made his balls inflate
Until they looked like granite knobs
Atop a garden gate

Now Dead-Eye Dick and Mexico Pete
Had been panning up Shit Creek
And they'd had no luck by way of a fuck
In well nigh on a week

Does that sound like Robert Service? I think it sounds like a devastating parody of the style.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: Teribus
Date: 29 Jan 04 - 08:34 AM

I have heard that it was written by Noel Coward and that it's first "public" performance was at a "Sod's Opera" onboard HMS Gambia while she was out in the West Indies.

banjoman, the one you have quoted is I think a different poem/song - it used to be my Rugby Club party piece.

It goes something like:

There's a dirty stinking piss-house to the North of Waterloo
There's another one for Ladies further down
They are kept by Sally Tucker, for a shilling you can f**k her
You can sleep with her for only half a crown

Tho' she's known as Sally Tucker, by those who've oft times f**ked her
Her real name is Tahlula Johnstone-Black
And she's handled many a tool, from the day she first left school
and she's earned a damn fine living on her back

She's the filthiest of bitches, by the colour of her britches
You'd swear that dame had never had a wash
Yet the smell from her vagina is infinitely finer
Than any whisky, beer, rum, or lemon squash

One night she had a rattle by a sailor from Seattle
She wondered why he hugged her long and close
But when he'd finished screwing, she knew what he'd been doing
For he'd gone and left her proper with a dose

She gave it to her father, who gave it to her mother
Who gave it to the Reverend Percy Brown
Who gave it to his cousin, who gave it to a dozen
And now it's half way round the f**ckin' town

At last it came to pass, it reached that sailors arse
It travelled half way up his flamin' back
It rotted and it festered, his very life it pestered
Twas the vengeance of Tuhlula Johnstone-Black

There's a dirty stinking sailor to the North of Waterloo
With a dose of syph that's slowly turning green
Tho' he's hacked it, and he's scratched it
If he can ere detatch it. He's a better man than I am Gunga Din.

The tune for the above is "The Tangle o' the Isles"

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: Abby Sale
Date: 29 Jan 04 - 08:48 AM

Yeah, but Greg...verses evolve in oral tradition. The verses in DigTrad are more common and are better scansion.

5. Now Deadeye Dick and Mexico Pete
had been working Dead Man's Creek,
And they'd had no luck in the way of a fuck
for nigh on half a week --

36. He winked his arsehole in and out,
and make his balls inflate
Until they looked like granite knobs
on top of a garden gate.

Yes, sounds like Service to me.

I think Joe, the poster of the text(s), clearly shows it's most likely of Canadian (and not Brit or USian) origin. And after all, how many Canadian poets are there?

Perhaps one day a manuscript copy will turn up...

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: Snuffy
Date: 29 Jan 04 - 09:26 AM

Teribus,

That one's a parody of The Green Eye of the Little Yellow God or Mad Carew or whatever they call it. I've only ever heard it done as a recitation, in the same way as Eskimon Nell. The version I know starts:

There's a little green urinal to the North of Waterloo.

The usual song sung to "The Tangle o' the Isles" is in the DT Database as THE FINEST FUCKING FAMILY. That version shares a couple of lines with the Talulah song, but many versions don't. And there's a version which claims D'Ye Ken John Peel is the tune

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: Teribus
Date: 29 Jan 04 - 09:56 AM

Hi Snuffy,

Thanks for the info.

Another that I used to hear, but don't know the title of goes

In Market Street Manchester one summers night
There was only one cab on the rank
The driver was reading the News of the World
And quietly having a wank

He was dreaming that Venus was kissing his penis
The shaking was making him tired
When a waitress named Lena, with tits like Sabrina
Came up and casually enquired

How much would you charge me to Oldham
The cab driver nearly dropped dead
He got such a shock he let go of his cock
And Barclayed his gear nob instead.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: GUEST,Jim Ward
Date: 29 Jan 04 - 12:06 PM

4th verse to the one above-

How much would you charge me to Oldham?
You're a nice sort of girl I can tell
So I won't charge you nothing to Oldham
If you let me 'old yours as well, fuckin 'ell
If you let me 'old yours as well

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: Teribus
Date: 29 Jan 04 - 12:18 PM

Thanks Jim

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: GUEST,roylow
Date: 13 Aug 08 - 04:18 AM

I stumbled on this discussion today.
Some years ago I attempted a compilation of several versions of the Ballad of Eskimo Nell and put it on my personal web-site.
I tried to preserve only those lines with good scansion because, like several contributors, I was told (ca 1955) it was written by a "real" poet - Coward was named as a possible.
The lines I removed are still preserved at the end of the file if you prefer another version.
Anyone interested can get it on my web-site at http://www.low.net.au/eskimo.html with compliments.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: pavane
Date: 13 Aug 08 - 06:11 AM

As mentioned above, it is usually attributed to Robert Service, who spent some time in the area. I don't suppose he would have claimed authorship even if he DID write it!

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Aug 08 - 12:18 PM

In the same way, there was a famous bawdy novel, "The Memoirs of Josephine_Mutzenbacher", which was attributed to Felix Salten, the author of "Bambi".
see here

I remember reading that someone once got up the nerve to ask Salten about it, and that his reply was a shrug and (paraphrased) "If I admit it, you will think I am teasing you, and if I deny it, you won't believe me anyhow." ...which was widely taken as a thinly disguised admission.

Some things are better left in that literary limbo...it gives folks something to debate.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: pavane
Date: 13 Aug 08 - 01:17 PM

I'm sure he would have done well out of the royalties.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: The Walrus
Date: 13 Aug 08 - 09:28 PM

Is this the Robert Service who wrote "Rhymes of a Red Cross Man"?

W

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: pavane
Date: 14 Aug 08 - 03:08 AM

Yes, according to Wikipedia

Robert Service in Wikipedia

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: GUEST,RJ WARD
Date: 07 Sep 08 - 05:23 PM

BRILLIANT STUFF

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: GUEST,Mike Foster
Date: 25 Sep 08 - 05:45 AM

I remember this ballad from a book of Rugby Songs published by Pan in the UK around 1968.

As a teenager I thought the obscenities were hilarious, but I was shocked when my father recited some of it from memory.

He'd learned it while on patrol in submarines based on Alexandria in 1941/1942. In between landing secret agents on Crete and torpedoing Italian ships, the crews occupied their time with beard-growing competitions and memorising Eskimo Nell competitions.

He had (and I think still has) a carbon copy from which he memorised the ballad, so it is possible to learn the whole thing. When you're stuck in a tin can underwater for 18 hours at a time hoping the depth charges don't come any closer, it's probably easy to concentrate on on a smutty masterpiece like this.

He says it was widely believed the ballad was written by Noel Coward.

The reason I visited this website today is that I came across a recitation of Robert Service's The Shooting of Dan McGrew on BBC Radio 4's Poetry Please last Sunday. For the first minute I was convinced it was a part of Eskimo Nell I'd never heard before. The rhythm of the two poems is identical, which is why Eskimo Nell is obviuosly an excellent parody of Dam McGrew.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: Schantieman
Date: 25 Sep 08 - 09:43 AM

...er.....how, exactly, does a beard growing competition occupy time?   Mine is quite capable of growing all on its own without taking up any time at all. ;-)

And if Noel Coward wrote Eskimo Nell, I'll eat my hat.

Steve

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: GUEST,Skylark
Date: 26 Sep 08 - 06:29 AM

Yes, the Ballad of Eskimo Nell, I remember it well. 1968 seems to be a significant year in some of our memories of this rhyme. In my first term at the Univesrity of Leeds in 1968, the Leeds Engineers Weekly Dispatch (LEWD) serialised the ballad - ten verses each week for the term. It kept us all very amused I remember.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: GUEST,cooked
Date: 10 May 10 - 05:00 AM

hi!
Primitive as they were, it would be interesting to see back numbers of 'LEWD' Any ideas?

At Leeds 1966- 1970

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: GUEST,chazer
Date: 26 May 10 - 05:52 PM

my nan recited every verse at a rugby club dinner. she stood on the pub table and said it word for word

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: GUEST,tedda !
Date: 07 Nov 10 - 06:30 PM

I can recite it , easy peasy - I do 100 pu's , the drink a pint standing on me head and blast it out !
Shuld be compulsory ..| :)

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 07 Nov 10 - 11:56 PM

---And if Noel Coward wrote Eskimo Nell, I'll eat my hat.--- Schantieman Sep 08 >>>>>

Oh, I don't know. Think of the verse about poor old Deadwood Dick having to make do with 'a moose or two, or a caribou, A bison cow or a crow; But Deadwood Dick was king of the prick, & he found it fucking slow'; and think also of the bit in Coward's "Mad Dogs & Englishmen" - 'Even caribous lie around and snooze, For there's nothing else to do' ~~~ the similarity of the intro in each case of the unlikely 'caribou' to provide a rhyme, linked to the concept of immediate complete boredom, strike me as at least stylistically suggestive of a Noel Coward connection. Anyone agree?

~Michael~

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 08 Nov 10 - 12:01 AM

& re Robert Service as a possible candidate: I agree that it is too much of a patent travesty of his own style & preoccupations to be his own work: I mean, no-one would think Will Shax himself actually wrote the "Get thee to Essex, Gloucester, and thee to Sussex, Kent" line in 'Beyond The Fringe', would they?

~M~

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: Lighter
Date: 08 Nov 10 - 07:56 AM

The caribous could easily be a coincidence, since "-oo" is a useful rhyme and suggested by the Canadian milieu. (See what I mean? It's even happening now!)

Another very real possibility is that Coward was familiar with the poem, even if he didn't write it.

The earliest printed reference I find, for what it's worth, came in 1941. No text, of course. The psychologist H. J. Eysenck wrote decades later that he'd "learned it at student parties at Exeter College, London, about 1932."

It was widely recited during WWII, apparently in the RAF especially.
Perhaps its direct inspiration was the bawdy parody of Service's "Shooting of Dan McGrew," but now I'm just guessing.

The limited information available suggests that "Eskimo Nell" has not been very well known in the U.S. That too may imply a British rather than a Canadian origin.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 08 Nov 10 - 09:21 AM

But, Lighter, as Mad Dogs & Englishmen [1931{NY}/32{London}] is about exactly contemporary with your terminus a quo date for E Nell, your putative 'coincidence' would appear either unlikely or suggestive of same-authorship. Your dates make my point feel even stronger to me. Coward had bored/boring caribous much in mind & they would out! &, as you yourself point out, it is much more probably of CisAtlantic than TransAtlantic origin.

~M~

BTW,in what dialect does 'milieu' rhyme with 'caribou'?

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: Lighter
Date: 08 Nov 10 - 12:42 PM

If you'll ask any average American who happened not to have majored in English or literature in college, you'll discover that the final syllables of "caribou" and "milieu" do rhyme, though imperfectly. Ogden Nash might have gotten some mileage out of them had he thought to do so.

So far as I know, the case for Coward's authorship rests on these facts only:

Both Noel Coward and "Eskimo Nell" were extremely clever and perverse, both were in circulation in 1931-32, and both used "caribou."

To me that's not a case; it's a suspicion. Other clever and perverse people were in circulation at that time, though most of them presumably kept lower profiles than Noel Coward.

Short of a signed and notarized confession, I'd have to see more actual evidence before concluding that Coward was the poet in question.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 08 Nov 10 - 12:56 PM

I didn't make it as a 'case', if you look, Lighter; but as a suggestion rather than as a 'suspicion'. I still think that it isn't only the mention of the caribous, in two works we have established were probably written about the same time, but mention of them both in a context of extreme boredom, which suggests a link ~~ & think of the words in 'Mad Dogs' ~ "Even caribous lie about & snooze, For there's nothing else to do" ~~ what the betting that if NC sang that on a stag-cabaret occasion, he would have sung "fuck-all else to do"? Irresistible, isn't it?

~Michael~

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: GUEST,busterkeeton
Date: 18 Aug 19 - 06:33 AM

THE SAGA OF ESKIMO NELL

1. WHEN MEN GROW OLD THEIR BALLS GROW COLD
AND THE END OF THEIR NOBS TURN BLUE
THEY LOOK BACK ON A LIFE OF YUKON STRIFE
AND CAN TELL YOU A THING OR TWO

2. SO BUY ME A DRINK AND I WILL THINK
AND A WONDERFUL TALE I WILL TELL
OF DEAD EYED DICK AND MEXICAN PETE
AND A HARLOT NAMED ESKIMO NELL

3. I`LL TELL YOU A TALE OF THE YUKON
WHERE IT`S FIFTY DEGREES BELOW
WHERE IT`S SO DAMN COLD FRENCH LETTERS ARE SOLD
WRAPPED UP IN BUNDLES OF SNOW

4. WHERE SKELETONS RATTLE IN SEXUAL BATTLE
NEATH THE LIGHT OF THE ARCTIC NIGHT
IT`S ONE LONG FUCK FROM DAWN TO DUSK
AND THEIR PARSON AGREES THAT IT`S RIGHT

5. AYE A PLACE WHERE THERES PLENTY OF SEX LIFE
AND FOLKS THAT ARE STERILE ARE FEW
WHERE ALL THE WHORES WEAR FUR-LINED DRAWS
AND THE BROTHELS ARE ICEBOUND IGLOOS

6. AWAY ON A FAR DISTANT ICE CAP
DWELT A FLOZZIE OF NATIONWIDE FAME
SHE WOULD TAKE FRONT OR BACK IN A LITTLE WOOD SHACK
AND ESKIMO NELL WAS HER NAME

7. NOW IN THE SLUMP OF THIRTY ONE
WHEN WAGES WERE RATHER POOR
THE PRICE OF FUCK WAS HALF A BUCK
WHICH DOESN`T MUCH DO A WHORE

8. YES THE SLUMP HIT POOR NELL GOOD AND PROPER
SHE DECIDED TO LEAVE HER LAND
SHE FOUND OUT WHERE THE PRICES WERE HIGHER
AND SET OUT FOR THE RIO GRANDE

9. THE SCENE SHIFTS TO THE GREAT BEAR LAKE
A PLACE WHERE ITS EQUALLY COLD
WHERE IN A SHACK IN THE BACK OF BEYOND
THERE LIVED TWO TRAPPERS BOLD

10. WHEN DEAD EYED DICK AND MEXICAN PETE
WERE UNABLE TO FIND A WHORE
IT WAS PETE THE CUNT WHO BORE THE BRUNT
WHICH MEANT THAT HIS ARSE WAS SORE

11. NOW DEAD EYED DICK AND MEXICAN PETE
HAD BEEN WORKING DEAD MANS CREEK
AND THEY`D HAD NO LUCK BY WAY OF A FUCK
FOR WELL NIGH OVER A WEEK

12. JUST A MOUSSE OR TWO OR A CARIBOU
OR A BISON ASTRAY OR SO
BUT DEAD EYED DICK WAS THE KING OF PRICKS
AND HE THOUGHT SUCH FUCKING SLOW

13. SO DEAD EYED DICK WITH HIS MIGHTY PRICK
AND PETE WITH HIS GUN IN HIS HAND
LEFT DEAD HAND CREEK FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK
AND MADE FOR A BETTER LAND

14. AND AS THEY BLAZED THEIR RANDY TRAIL
NO MAN THEIR FIRE WITHSTOOD
AND MANY A BRIDE WHO WAS HUBBIES PRIDE
SAW PREGNANT WIDOWHOOD

15. THEY HIT THE SHORES OF THE RIO GRANDE
AT THE TOP OF A BLAZING NOON
AND TO SLAKE THEIR THIRST AND DO THEIR WORST
THEY SOUGHT BAD MIKES SALOON

16. THEY STOPPED TO SURVEY THE PROSPECTUS
OF PRICES PER PERSON PER WHORE
A CENT A THRUST TILL THE MAIDENHEAD BUST
AND THEREAFTER TWENTY CENTS MORE

16. THEN AS THEY CRASHED THROUGH THE SWINGING DOORS
BOTH PRICK AND GUN FLASHED FREE
ACCORDING TO SEX YOU DRUNKEN WRECKS
YOU DRINKS OR FUCKS WITH ME

17. THEY KNEW THIS TRICK OF DEAD EYED DICK
FROM THE HORN TO PANAMA
SO WITH NOTHING WORSE THAN A MUTTERED CURSE
THE DAGOS ALL SOUGHT THE BAR

18. THE WOMAN ALL KNEW HIS PLAYFULL WAY
FROM CAPE CODE TO THE RIO GRANDE
SO FORTY WHORES PULLED DOWN THEIR DRAWERS
AT DEAD EYED DICKS COMMAND

19. THEY SAW THE FINGERS OF MEXICAN PETE
TWITCH ON THE TRIGGER GUARD
AS NONE DARED WAIT
AT THEIR FASTEST RATE THEY ALL BEGAN TO DISCARD

20. MEANWHILE DICK WAS BREATHING QUICK
WITH LECHEROUS SNORTS AND GRUNTS
AS FORTY ARSES BROUGHT TO VIEW
TO SAY NOTHING OF FORTY CUNTS

21. AND AS YOU`LL SEE IF YOU USE YOUR WITS
AND YOU`RE GOOD AT ARITHMETIC
FORTY ARSES AND FORTY CUNTS
MEAN ALSO EIGHTY TITS

22. NOW FOUR SCORE TITS ARE A WONDERFULL SIGHT
TO A MAN WITH A MIGHTY STAND
IT MAY BE RARE IN BERKELEY SQUARE
BUT IT AINT ON THE RIO GRANDE

23. DEAD EYED DICK HAD FUCKED A FEW
THE LAST PRECEEDIN NIGHT
BUT HE`D JUST DONE THIS BY WAY OF FUN
KINDA WETTING HIS APPETITE

24. HIS PHALLIC LIMB WAS IN FIGHTING TRIM
HE BACKED UP AND TOOK A RUN
HE MADE A JUMP AT THE NEAREST CUNT
AND SCORED A HOLE IN ONE

25. HE BORE THAT WHORE TO THE SANDY FLOOR
AND FAIRLY FUCKED HER FINE
AND THOUGH SHE GRINNED
IT FAIR PUT THE WIND UP THE OTHER THIRTY NINE

26. NOW DEAD EYE DICK HE FUCKS EM QUICK
SO HE CASTS THE FIRST ASIDE
HE MAKES A DART AT THE NEAREST TART
WHEN THE DOORS OPENED WIDE

27. AND THERE ENTERS INTO THAT HOUSE
OF SIN INTO THE HARLOTS HELL
A LUSTY MAID WHO WAS NOT AFRAID
AND HER NAME WAS ESKIMO NELL

28. DEAD EYED DICK HAD JUST GOT HIS PRICK
WELL INTO NUMBER TWO
WHEN ESKIMO NELL LET OUT A YELL
AND SHOUTED TO HIM HI YOU

29. HE GAVE A FLICK OF HIS MUSCULAR PRICK
AND THE GIRL FLEW OVER HIS HEAD
AS HE TURNED ABOUT WITH A SNARLING SHOUT
HIS KNEES AND KNOB GLOWED RED

30. WITH A LUSTFUL LEER HE SAID LOOK HERE
NOW TAKE YOUR PLACE IN THE QUEUE
I`VE GOT TO MATE WITH THE THIRTY EIGHT
BEFORE I COME TO YOU

31. BUT ESKIMO NELL SHE STOOD IT WELL
AS SHE LOOKED HIM BETWEEN THE EYES
AND SHE GAZED AT HIS HORN WITH FATHOMLESS SCORN
AS IT ROSE FROM HIS HAIRY THIGHS

32. SAID ESKIMO NELL TO DEAD EYED DICK
IN ACCENT CLEAR AND COOL
YOU CUNT STRUCK SHRIMP OF A YANKEE PIMP
YOU CALL THAT THING A TOOL

33. IF THIS LITTLE TOWN CAN`T TAKE THAT DOWN
SHE SNEERED TO THE CROWD OF WHORES
THERE`S ONE LITTLE CUNT THAT CAN DO THE STUNT
THATS ESKIMO NELLS NOT YOURS

34. SHE BLEW A WHIFF FROM HER CIGARETTE
ACROSS HIS STEAMING KNOB
AND SO UTTERLY BEAT WAS MEXICAN PETE
THAT HE CLEAR FORGOT HIS JOB

35. SHE STRIPPED HER GARMENTS ONE BY ONE
WITH AN AIR OF CONSCIOUS PRIDE
AND AS SHE STOOD IN HER WOMANHOOD
THEY COULD ALL SEE THE GREAT DIVIDE

36. SHE LAID HERSELF ON A TABLE TOP
WHERE SOMEONE HAD STOOD A GLASS
WITH A FLICK OF HER TITS CRUSHED IT TO BITS
TWEEN THE CHEEKS OF HER MIGHTY ARSE

37. SHE FLEXED HER KNEES WITH SUPPLE EASE
AND SPREAD HER LEGS APART
WITH A FRIENDLY NOD TO THE RANDY SOD
SHE GAVE HIM HIS CUE TO START

38. HE WINKED HIS ARSEHOLE ONCE OR TWICE
AND HIS BALLS INCREASED IN SIZE
AND HIS MIGHTY PRICK GREW TWICE AS THICK
AND NEARLY REACHED HIS EYES

39. HE POLISHED IT UP WITH ALCOHOL
TO MAKE IT STEAMING HOT
AND TO FINISH THE JOB HE SPRINKLED THE LOT
WITH CAYENNE PEPPER POT

40. HE DIDN`T RUN
NOR TAKE A FLYING LEAP
HE DIDN`T SWOOP BUT SEEMED TO STOOP
AND ADVANCED WITH A STEADY CREEP

41. WITH PIERCING EYES HE LAID A SIGHT
ALONG HIS MAMMOTH TOOL
AND THE DEAD SLOW WAY HE PUT IT IN
WAS CALCULATING AND COOL

42. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE PISTONS WORK
ON A GIANT C.P.R.
WITH THE DRIVING FORCE OF A THOUSAND HORSE
THEN YOU KNOW WHAT PISTONS ARE

43. YOU THINK YOU DO BUT I`M TELLING YOU
YOU HAVEN`T GOT A CLUE
OF THE WORK THATS DONE ON A NON-STOP RUN
BY DEAD EYED DICK MCGREW

44. BUT ESKIMO NELL WAS A BROAD HIPPED BELLE
WITH A REALLY THOUGH CONSTRUCTION
SHE`D THE STRENGTH OF TEN IN HER ABDOMEN
AND A PARALYSING SUCTION

45. AMIDSHIPS SHE COULD STAND THE STRAIN
OF A FLUSH LIKE A WATER CLOSET
AND SHE GRIPPED HIS COCK LIKE A CHATWOOD LOCK
IN THE NATIONAL SAFE DEPOSIT

46. NOW DEAD EYED DICK DIDN`T MEAN TO COME
AND HE MEANT TO SAVE HIS POWERS
FOR IF HE`D A MIND HE COULD STAND A GRIND
FOR NIGH ON A COUPLE OF HOURS

47. NELL LAY FOR A WHILE WITH A DREAMY SMILE
TILL THE THROB OF HER CUNT GREW KEENER
THEN WITH A RAPTUROUS SIGH SHE SUCKED HIM DRY
WITH THE EASE OF A VACUM CLEANER

48. AND NOW MY FRIEND WE COME TO THE END
OF THIS COPULATING EPIC
THE EFFECT ON DICK WAS SHORT AND QUICK
AND AKIN TO ANAESTHETIC

49. HE DROPPED TO THE FLOOR AND KNEW NO MORE
HIS PASSION EXTINCT AND DEAD
GIVING ONE LOUD SHOUT AS HIS TOOL CAME OUT
AND THEY KNEW SHE HAD STRIPPED HIS THREAD

50. THEN MEXICAN PETE JUMPED TO HIS FEET
TO AVENGE HIS PAL`S AFFRONT
HIS LONG NOSE COLT WITH A TEARING JOLT
HE RAMMED RIGHT INTO HER CUNT

51. HE SANK IT HARD TO THE TRIGGER GUARD
AND FIRED IT 1 2 3
BUT TO HIS SUPRISE SHE JUST CLOSED HER EYES
WITH A SMILE OF ECSTASY

52. HE STOOD FOR A WHILE IN AMAZEMENT
FEELING JUST LIKE A BLOODY FOOL
WHILE A HORRIFIED MAID TRIED TO RENDER FIRST AID
TO DEAD EYED DICKS RUINED TOOL

53. AGAIN IT FELL TO ESKIMO NELL
TO BREAK THE SEXUAL SPELL
YOU GODDAM PUNK YOU CROSS EYED SKUNK
YOUR PASSIONS YOU MUST QUELL

54. YOU`D BETTER GO BACK TO YOUR TRAPPING
WHERE THERE AREN`T ANY GIRLS THAT ARE NICE
BUT BEFORE WE END LETS PART AS FRIENDS
LET ME GIVE YOU A LITTLE ADVICE

55. WHEN NEXT MY FRIEND YOU DO INTEND
TO SALLY FORTH FOR SOME FUN
PICK DEAD EYED DICK AND ARMOURED PRICK
AND YOURSELF A 12-BORE GUN

56. OR EVEN THE TRUNK OF A DOUGLAS FIR
IF YOU REALLY WANT TO RAPE
THOUGH I MUST ADMIT THATS TOO TIGHT A FIT
TO LET THE GAS ESCAPE

57. I THOUGHT YOU JERKS COULD GIVE ME THE WORKS
SHE ENDED IN ACCENTS COOL
BUT I GUESS I MUST GO TO THE LAND OF THE SNOW
TO FIND ME A MAN WITH A TOOL

58. SO NELLIE WENT BACK TO THE YUKON
TO THE LAND WHERE SPUNK IS SPUNK
NOT A STREAM OF LUKE WARM CREAM
BUT A SOLID FROZEN CHUNK

59. BACK TO THE LAND OF THE FROZEN NORTH
WHERE THEY KNOW HOW TO COPULATE
WHERE THE LUSTY DEAD LIE TWO IN A BED
AND THE BABIES MASTURBATE

60. BACK TO THE FAR DISTANT ICE CAP
WHERE FRENCH LETTERS ARE MADE OF TIN
WHERE THE WOMEN WEAR BARBED WIRE JAM RAGS
AND THE MENSTRUAL STREAM IS PURE GIN

61. POOR DEAD EYED DICK AND MEXICAN PETE
HAVE NOW LEFT THE RIO GRANDE
DEAD EYED DICK WITH HIS RUINED PRICK
AND PETE A 12-BORE IN HIS HAND

62. YES THE`VE BOTH GONE BACK TO THAT LITTLE LOG SHACK
WHERE THEY`RE PRACTISING NIGHT AND DAY
WITH ICE PACKS COOL DICK HEALS HIS TOOL
TO PREPARE FOR THE NEXT AFFRAY

63. WHILE MEXICAN PETE HAS HIS 12-BORE GUN
WHICH HE FLOURISHES ROUND WITH VIM
FIRING HIS BLANKS UP DEAD EYED`S PANTS
AND DREAMING OF NELLIES QUIM
THE END

Hello
This was sent out to Royal Navy ships during the 1980`s over Telex. I have the original printout.
Remember this being done on ship as a Sods opera and many of the older matelots could recite the whole thing. Was also done when drinking and nominating the next person to carry it on, with forfeit if not correct.
A few words used that saw use in the navy such as broad hipped (ship), vim and fathomless that are not seen in the other version. Some different ordering of stanza plus a few other additions.
Other words are left spelt wrong as this is how they appear in the original and depending on how they are pronounced give different connotations most obvious being ANAESTHETIC - anus thectic and the use of FULL instead of ful.
Hope you enjoy,
busterkeeton

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: GUEST,Kenny B(Inactive)
Date: 18 Aug 19 - 08:36 AM

Eskimo Nell ... spoken at the Bad Penny Sand Drags around great performance in an Australian accent

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: Lighter
Date: 20 Feb 25 - 03:17 PM

There was a western swing "version" in 1941, copyright by Bob Skyles.

The only similarity lies in the name.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4hTo4dA77qs

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: Jack Horntip
Date: 27 Feb 25 - 09:01 AM

Eskimo Nell has been set to music commercially. I haven't found field
recordings of the poem being sung.

There is was recorded in the early 1970s on the Stag Party in
London Vol.1 (Uncensored Rugby Songs) LP, Band #1. This recording
has been released several times. I have provided a link below.


Listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVGSiE-A7SQ

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: Bill D
Date: 27 Feb 25 - 03:39 PM

Scholars differ... ;>)
Eskimo Nell-long version

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: Lighter
Date: 27 Feb 25 - 05:57 PM

Reprinted from the "Pitt Panther," a student publication of the University of Pittsburgh, this just may be the earliest reference currently known:

Trenton [N.J.] Sunday Times-Advertiser (Nov. 24, 1929): College Humor...Mexican Pete: "Pardon me, Deadeye Dick, may I borrow your lighter?"

Caveat: "Deadeye Dick" and "Mexican Pete" were fairly common Wild West nicknames. Still, it's startling to see them used together at a time when "Eskimo Nell" was likely in circulation.

The earliest clear reference to "Eskimo Nell" I have found is this, from Smith’s Weekly (Sydney, Aus.), Oct. 29, 1932: “A Central Australian Wild West has grown up overnight…. Dynamite Annie and Eskimo Nell are there in all their ferocious finery.”

The psychologist H. J. Eysenck, in his autobiography, recalled
hearing the poem as a student at the University of London the same year.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: Jack Horntip
Date: 27 Feb 25 - 07:39 PM

Diddling Nellie

Nell was a schoolteacher way out west
But she gave up teaching. She like diddlin' best

Now it was a standing bet in our home town
There were no two men black or brown
That could frog old Nell and hold her down

'Til one day there strode into the bar
Wild and wooly Piss Pot Pete
Fresh off the range from diddlin' sheep

Pisspot laid his John upon the bar
The old folks say that it reached from thar to thar.

Pete yelled for a bottle then turned as he spoke
Spent a year on the range with a rusty load in my poke

I've palmed a few batches on the hill where I sat
Changed hands and gained a stroke -- caught it in my hat

On a cold winter's nights, I go to bed with the sheep
Then leave my John soak til the shit is knee deep.

Now I want a gal, no two bit whore
She must be a good one who knows all the score

There's only one woman any good I hear tell
She's a hustling chippy a bitch called Nell

Now just the sound of that name brought a hush over those walls
The only noise in the room was Pete scratching his balls

So you want old Nell, said a voice from the door.
Well that's what I'm called. I'm that old whore

I hear you are here bragging. I know your sort
There won't be any price. We'll do it for sport

But I'll take a bet -- anything you can name --
Mine against your and only one winner in the game

It's a deal said Pete and the croud gave a hollar
Then the betting begain. No odds. Dollar for Dollar.

They all shook hands and the bets were made
For Pete and Nell to screw and spar
Up on the hill behind the bar

When the day arrived thousands fought for a seat
Just to see that half-bread hide his meat

A shout arose when the half-breed came
Dressed and ready for that deadly game

Nell came out and the crowd gave a cheer
For on Nells face there was a sneer

For this little old shriveled man
That dared to brag he could frog her can

They turned and sparred twisted and squeezed
First one then the other upon their knees

Fought and fought for hours and hours
Tore down trees, grass and flowers

The sneer was gone from old Nell's pan
All her thoughts were on her can

Neither smiled; neither spoke
Suddenly Nell missed a stroke
And Pisspot nailed her as she broke

The ground was torn for miles around
where poor Nell's ass had drug the ground

Nell died that day all broken and tore
They hung her pants on the craphouse door.

Poor, poor Nell

1940s. "Diddling Nellie". Party Platters: Bits of Burlesque. 78 party record.


Listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJ4_10_3AkU

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: Jack Horntip
Date: 27 Feb 25 - 08:02 PM

The Ballad of Old Nell and Piss Pot Pete

Now listen close and I will tell
A story about this whore, name Nel
lNow It was known for miles around
that no one could poontang old Nell down
now Nell was a school marm from way out west
and it was said she loved her poontang best

When over the hill came a bare ass Greek
Who said his name was Piss Pot Pete.
He laid his cock across the bar,
I'll swear it stretched from thar to thar.
Now Nell she knew she had met her fate,
But to back out then it was to late.
So they choose a spot beside the mill,
Inside the shit house up on the hill

First they went at it with an ease
and shook the leaves right off the trees
then they went at it with a will
and shook the trees clean off that hill
they went at it for hours and hours
Until they had killed all the trees and flowers,
There's hills and hollars and valleys yet
where old Nell's ass and the ground it met
and all that's left of that there whore
is a dirty brassiere on the shit house floor

"Dad's Recitations". Wordperfect document. Received by email from DiCrawf at A O L .com Feburary 20, 2006.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: Jack Horntip
Date: 27 Feb 25 - 09:19 PM

OLD KATE

Now old Kate was a schoolmarm, way out West
Till she decided she like fuckin' best
Now she'd fuck 'em all, and fuck for keeps and pile her victims up in heaps
Now, down from the mountains, from Half-Ass Creek came a blue-balled
        bastard named piss-pot Pete.
Now ole' Pete had 40 pounds of swinging meat
And when he stretched it out upon the bar, it stretched from thar to thar. (Hand movements)
Now ole' Kate knew she'd me her fate, but to back out now as just too late.
All the people went to the mountains to gain their seat to watch ole' Pete sink his meat
Now Kat's broad as [..]lo[...] the ground for miles around,
She tried shunts and fronts, and double shunts and tricks unknown to other cunts.
Then she made one mistake, mind ye, just one.
I'll never forget that God-awful day, when they nailed her tits to the
        shit-house door and pickled her ass
        in alcohol and set it in the city hall.
No soap, this side of hell could get out that God-awful smell.
                        SNAKE SHIT

1967. The Crusader Hymnal


See online: https://archive.org/details/1967thecrusaderhymnal/page/11/mode/1up?q=kate

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Eskimo Nell
From: GerryM
Date: 28 Feb 25 - 06:21 PM

Is "Deadeye Dick" any relation to "Dick Deadeye" of Gilbert and Sullivan's Pinafore?

Subject: RE: Origins: Eskimo Nell
From: Jack Horntip
Date: 01 Mar 25 - 10:39 AM

Big Ass Lil and Yukon Pete

Grab your glass and get your seat,
And I'll tell you about Big-Ass Lil and Yukon Pete!

Now, Lil was the village queen,
The fuckingest whore you'd ever seen.

While some girls fucked with grace and ease,
Lil blew dick like the summer breeze.

But when she fucked, she fucked for keeps,
She piled her victims up in heaps.

There was a rumor 'round that town,
That no man could put Lil's ass down.

But way up north, where twin rivers meet,
Lived a one-balled half-breed, name Yukon Pete!

Pete was a dirty, motherless soul,
Who fucked bears, sheep and woodchuck holes.

He got a whiff for Big-Ass Lil,
Packed up his rubbers, and came down the hill.

He strode into town on size 32 feet,
Dragging sixteen yards of that red-hot meat!

Well, the scene was set at windy mill,
By the brick shithouse, high on the hill.

All the ladies came for a ringside seat,
Just to watch that half-breed sink his meat.

Well, they fucked, and they fucked, and they fucked for hours,
Uprooting trees, shrubs and flowers.

Lil did front flips, back flips, stunts
All unknown to most common cunts.

But Pete caught on to every trick,
And kept on pumping in more dick!

Now Lil gave Pete a whorehouse squeeze
That dropped that half-breed to his knees.

But Pete came back with a Yukon grunt
That popped out her eyes, and split her cunt!

Well, Lil rolled over, cut two farts and sighed:
"Boys, I've been fucked," cut one more, and died.

When they asked that half-breed of his amazing feat,
He just said, "Boys, I'm going back to the Yukon, and beat my meat!"

1997. "Big Ass lil and Yukon Pete". Recitation from John Valby's Double-D CD


Listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ckb0CfyxlSA

Subject: RE: Origins: Eskimo Nell
From: Jack Horntip
Date: 05 Mar 25 - 09:41 AM

The Tale of Eskimo Nell

Good Evening and welcome one and all to this the second session
of the greater England and worldwide poetry festival. This evening
we have with us the well known theatrical knight Sir Percy Strumphead
who is going to read to us that immensely moving ballad that fine
poetic feast indeed that fine, huh-huh, mosaic of-of poetic delight
"Eskimo Nell". Our distinguished visitor. Thank you.

When men grow old
And their balls grow cold
And the tips of their knobs turn blue
When they're bent in the middle
Like a one string fiddle
They can tell you a tale or two

Just buy me a drink
And tip me a wink
And a tale to you I will tell
Of Dead Eyed Dick
And his muscular prick
And a harlot called Eskimo Nell

When Dead Eyed Dick and Mexican Pete
Went forth in search of fun
It was Dead Eyed Dick
Who swung the prick
And Mexican Pete the gun.

When dead eyed dick and Mexican Pete
Felt sore, depressed or sad
It was mostly the cunt
That took the brunt
But the shooting just as bad

Now dead Eyed Dick and Mexican Pete
Had been working dead mans creek
And they'd had no luck
In the way of a fuck
For well nigh over a week

Just a moose or two
Or a caribou
Or a bison astray or so
But Dead Eyed Dick's
Was the king of pricks
And he thought such fucking slow

So Dead Eyed Dick
With his mighty prick
And Pete with his gun in his hand
Left dead man's creek
For the rest of the week
And made for a better land

And as they randied on their randy trail
No man their fire withstood
And many a bride
Who was hubby's pride
Found pregnant widowhood

They hit the shores of the Rio Grande
At the top of the blazing noon
and to slake their thirst
And do their worst
They sought out Bad Mike's Saloon

And as they crashed through the swinging doors
Both gun and prick flashed free
"According to sex
"You drunken wrecks
"Your drinks or your fucks with me!'

They know the tricks
Of Dead Eyed Dick
From the Horn to Panama
So with nothing worse
Than a muttered curse
The dagos all sought the bar

The women all knew his playful way
from Cape Cod to the Rio Grand
So forty whores
Pulled down their drawers
At Dead Eyed Dick's command

Meanwhile Dick was breathing quick
With lecherous snorts and grunts
As forty asses brought to view
to say nothing of forty cunts

And you'll see if you use your wits
and you're good at arithmetic
That forty asses and forty cunts
Mean also eighty tits

Now four score tits is a gladsome sight
For a man
With a mighty stand
It might be rare
In Berkeley Square
but not in the Rio Grand

Now Dead Eyed Dick
Had dipped his wick
The last preceding night
But this he'd just done
By way of fun
Just to wet his appetite

His phallic limb
Was in fighting trim
He backed and took a run
He made a jump
At the nearest cunt
And scored a bore in one

He bore that whore
To the sandy floor
And fucked her fair & fine
And though she grinned
It put the wind
Up the other thirty nine

Now Dead Eye Dick
He fucks 'em quick
So he casts the first aside
He makes a dart
For the second tart
When the swing doors opened wide

And there enters in
To that house of sin
Into the harlot's hell
A lusty maid
Who was not afraid
And her name was Eskimo Nell

Now Dead Eyed Dick
Had got his prick
Well into number two
When Eskimo Nell
Let out a yell
And called to Dick, "Hi, you!"

He gave a flick
Of his muscular prick
And the girl flew over his head
As he turned about
With a snarling shout
Both his knob and his legs were red

With a lustful leer
He said look here
Just take your place in the queue
I've got to mate
With the thirty eight
Before I get to you

But Eskimo Nell
She stood it well
As she looked him between the eyes
And she gazed at his horn
With fathomless scorn
As it rose from his hairy thighs

Said Eskimo Nell to Dead Eyed Dick
In accents clear and cool
"You cunt struck shrimp
Of a Yankee pimp
You call that thing a tool?"

"If this little town
Can't take that down"
She sneered to the crowd of whores
"Then one little cunt
Can do the stunt
That's Eskimo Nells not yours."

She blew a jet
From her cigarette
Across his steaming knob
And so utterly beat
Was Mexican Pete
That he clean forgot his job

She stripped her garments one by one
With an air of conscious pride
And as she stood
In her womanhood
They could all see the great divide

She laid herself on a table top
Where someone had broken a glass
With a flick of her tits
She crushed it to bits
tween the cheeks of her mighty ass

She flexed her knees
With supple ease
And spread her legs apart
With a nod
To the randy sod
She gave him his cue to start

He winked his asshole once or twice
And his balls increased in size
And his mighty prick
Grew twice as thick
And nearly reached his eyes

He polished it up with alcohol
To make it steaming hot
And to finish the job
He burnished the lot
With a cayenne pepper pot

He didn't bat; He didn't run
Or take a flying leap
He didn't swoop
But seemed to stoop
And advanced with a steady creep

With piercing eyes he laid a sight
Along his mammoth tool
And the dead slow way he put it in
Was calculating cool

Have you ever seen the pistons work
On a giant C.P.R. [Compression Piston Ring]
With the driving force
Of a thousand horse
Then you know what pistons are

You think you do
But I'm telling you
You haven't got a clue
Of the work that's done
On a non-stop run
By Dead Eyed Dick McGrew

Now Eskimo Nell was a broad hipped belle
With a really though construction
She'd the strength of ten
In her abdomen
And a paralyzing suction

Amidships she could stand the strain
Like the rush of a water closet
And she gripped his cock
Like a Chatwood lock
In the national safe deposit

Now dead eyed dick
Knew another trick
And he meant to save his powers
For if he'd a mind
He could stand the grind
For a couple of solid hours

Nell lay for a while
With a randy smile
till the throb of her cunt grew keener
then with a rapturous sigh
And she sucked him dry
With the ease of a vacuum cleaner

And now my friend
We come to the end
Of this copulatory epic
The effect on Dick
Was short and quick
And akin to an anesthetic

He dropped to the floor
And he knew no more
His passion extinct and dead
And he didn't shout
As his prick came out
Though it nearly stripped the thread

When Mexican Pete
Saw Pete's defeat
He pulled a vengeful stunt
His long nose colt
With a tearing jolt
He rammed right up Nell's cunt

He sank it to the pistol grip
And fired it twice times three
But to his surprise
She closed her eyes
And gasped in ecstasy

She leapt to her feet
With a smile so sweet
"Bully for you!" she cried
"That pistol shot
Was the best of the lot
At last I am satisfied

"I thought you jerks
Could give me the works"
She said in accents cool
"But I guess I must go
To the land of the snow
To find me a man with a tool

"For I am going back to the frozen north
Where the nights are six months long
Where you get it in
As hard tin
And the ends are good and strong"

"Back to the land
Of the mighty stand
To a place where spunk is spunk
Not a trickling stream
Of lukewarm cream
But a solid frozen chunk"

"Back to the land
Where they understand
How a man should copulate
Where skeletons rattle
In sexual cattle
And the babies masturbate

"So when my friend
When you next intend
Go in search of fun
Buy Dead-Eyed Dick
A sugar stick
And buy yourself a gun"

1980. "The Tale of Eskimo Nell (Anon)" EP record.
Produced by Chris Blackwell. Island Records. London.



Listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IocS8zcanHM

Subject: RE: Origins: Eskimo Nell
From: Jack Horntip
Date: 05 Mar 25 - 09:55 AM

      THE TALE OF ESKIMO NELL

When men grow old and their balls turn cold
And the tip of their knobs turn blue
They look back on their life of trouble and strife
And tell you a tale or two
So buy a drink, and I'll try to think
Of a tale that I can tell
Of Dead Eye Dick and his muscular prick
And a harlot named Eskimo Nell

When Dead Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Go out in search of fun
It's Dead Eye Dick who swung the prick
And Mexican Pete his gun
Now Dead Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Had been working Dead Man's Creek
They'd had no luck in the way of a fuck
For well nigh over a week

Save a Moose or two and a Caribou
A Bison, a Cow or so
And Dead Eye Dick's was the king of pricks
Had found this fucking slow
So Dead Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Set out for the Rio Grande
Dead Eye Dick with a raving stand
And Pete with his gun in his hand

And as they blazed their randy trail
No man their way withstood
But many a bride, once Hubby's pride
Found pregnant widowhood
They reached the shore of the Rio Grande
At the height of the blazing noon
To slake their thirst and do their worst
They sought Black Mike's Saloon

And as they crashed through the swinging doors
Both gun and prick flashed free
"According to sex, you bleeding wrecks
You'll fuck or you'll drink with me"
They knew the tricks of Dead Eye Dick's
From Cape Horn to Panama
So with nothing worse than a muttered curse
Those Dagoes sought the bar

But the women knew his playful ways
Down in the Rio Grande
So forty whores took down their drawers
At Dead Eye Dick's command
They saw the finger of Mexican Pete
Slip to his pistol's grip
None dared wait and at a fearful rate
Those whores began to strip

And Dead Eye Dick was breathing quick
With lecherous snorts and grunts
As forty arses came to light
Along with forty cunts
Forty arses and forty cunts
You'll see if you use your wits
And if you're slick at arithmetic
You'll find means eighty tits

Now four score tits is a thrilling sight
For a man with a mighty stand
A sight that's rare on Berkley Square
But not on the Rio Grande
Now Dead Eye Dick had oiled his prick
Upon the previous night
And this he'd done to have some fun
And whet his appetite

His phallic limb was in fighting trim
So backing he took a run
He made a jump for the nearest cunt
And scored a hole-in-one
He bore that whore to the sandy floor
And fairly fucked her fine
And though she grinned she put the wind
Up the other thirty-nine

Whenever Dick performs that trick
He has no time to spare
With speed and strength combined with length
He hardly ruffles his hair
Now Dead Eye Dick, he fucks them quick
So he threw the first aside
And he made a dart at the second tart
When the swing doors opened wide

And into that horrible hall of sin
Into that harlot's Hell
There strode a maid who's never afraid
And her name was Eskimo Nell
Now Dead Eye Dick had got his prick
Well into number two
When Eskimo Nell let out a yell
And shouted "Dick, Hey you"!

He gave a flick of his mighty prick
And the whore flew over his head
He turned about and with a mighty shout
His face and brow turning red
But Eskimo Nell she took it well
And looked him between the eyes
She glanced at his horn with utter scorn
As it rose from his hairy thighs

She puffed a jet from her cigarette
Right at his steaming knob
But Mexican Pete was so utterly beat
That he failed to do his job
Eskimo Nell then broke the spell
In accents clear and cool
"You cunt-struck shrimp of a Yankee pimp
Do you call that thing a tool?"

"If this whole town can't take that down"
She sneered at the cowering whores
"There's one little cunt that will beat the runt
And it's Eskimo Nell's not yours"
She stripped her garments one by one
Smiling with conscious pride
Till there she stood in her womanhood
And they saw the great divide

He laid her down on the tabletop
Where someone had left a glass
As he wriggled her tits she smashed it to bits
Between the cheeks of her arse
With subtle ease she bent her knees
And spread them wide apart
And with a gentle nod to the waiting sod
She gave him the cue to start

But Dead Eye Dick knew many a trick
And proceeded to take his time
A wench like this was a fucking bliss
So he played a pantomime
He flicked his foreskin up and down
And made his balls inflate
Until they looked like granite knobs
Upon a garden gate

He winked his arsehole in and out
And his balls increased in size
His mighty prick grew twice as thick
And nearly reached his eyes
He polished the top with alcohol
To make it steaming hot
And to finish the job he sprinkled his knob
With the cayenne pepper pot

He didn't back up or take a run
Nor take a flying leap
He didn't stoop but with a swoop
And a steady forward creep
He took sight with piercing light
Along his flaming tool
And the dead slow way he shoved it in
Was calculating cool

Have you ever seen the pistons work?
On a giant C.P.R.
With a driving force of a thousand horse
Then you know what pistons are
Or maybe you think you do
But you have to know the trick
Of the work that's done on a non-stop run
By a man like Dead Eye Dick

But Eskimo Nell was an infidel
She equaled a whole harem
With the strength of ten in her abdomen
And the rock of ages abeam
Amidships she could stand a sea
Like the flush of a water closet
And she gripped his cock like a Chalwood lock
On the National Safe Deposit

But Dead Eye Dick would not come quick
He meant to preserve his power
To make her feel his red hot steel
Rammed home for many an hour
So he lay for a while with a subtle smile
While the grip of her cunt grew keener
Till with a flick of her thigh she sucked him dry
With the ease of a vacuum cleaner

She performed this feat in a way so neat
That she set at great defiance
The primary clause of the basic laws
That governs sexual science
She simply rode through the phallic code
Which for ages stood the test
The erotic rules of the classic schools
Each blinking one went West

And now dear friend I'm near the end
Of this copulative epic
The effect on Dick was sudden and quick
Akin to an anesthetic
He hit the floor and knew no more
His lust extinct and dead
His knob came out but he didn't shout
Even though it must have stripped the thread

Then Mexican Pete leapt to his feet
To avenge his pal's affront
With a savage jolt he shoved his colt
Right up her steaming cunt
He felt it slip up to the pistol grip
And he fired twice times three
But to his surprise she closed her eyes
And wriggled in ecstacy

Her smile was sweet as she found her feet
"Bully" she said "for you"
I might have guessed that was the best
Two shrimps like you could do
Next time my friend that you intend
To sally forth for fun
Give Dead Eye Dick a sugar stick
And buy yourself a bun

I'm going back to the frozen North
Where pricks are hard and strong
Back to the land of the mighty stand
Where the nights are six months long
Back to the land where they understand
What it means to copulate
Where the frozen dead sleep two in a bed
And even infants masturbate

Where you get it in as hard as tin
And spunk is really spunk
Not a trickling stream like lukewarm steam
But a frozen solid chunk
So Eskimo Nell said farewell
To Black Mike and the forty whores
And jumped on her horse not forgetting of course
To re-arrange her drawers

And as she rode through the silent night
On towards the dawn
The Northern Lights saw some wonderful sights
And even the moon had a horn
Now this horse of Nell's was under her spells
And he felt primeval amour
And he soon had a stand that she felt with her hand
And it tickled her fancy, The whore

So she got off her steed and quickly peed
Then slipped from her underwear
Laid the horse close down to her on the ground
And they made the perfect pair
Soon in intercourse she was locked with the horse
Buggery as you can see
But Eskimo Nell knew very well
Here was the ultimate ecstasy

Now Eskimo Nell has settled down well
And fucks twice a week or more often
And to keep in practice she'll fuck a cactus
To ensure her cunt doesn't soften
She's had lots of shag from her faithful nag
It's thrilled her and filled her with spunk
And so great was the spell that she's had it as well
From an elephant, both prick and trunk

Unknown internet source post 2005. Strange variant.

Subject: RE: Origins: Eskimo Nell
From: Jack Horntip
Date: 26 Apr 25 - 08:37 PM

LADY LIL

She were the best the camp produced, boys,
And them what she aint goosed aint had no goose, and never will
For the Lords raked in poor Lady Lill.

There was a standing bet in our town
There warnt a Geezer fer miles around
Could screw her to a finish, and ther warnt,
Till one day Sly Pete, an ole galoot,
Came wandering in from Scraggins Chute
And won it, boys, when he took his prick out thar,
An laid it down acrost the bar,
We fellers knewed we seen Lills fate.
But thar warnt no backin out that late.
So we arranged to have the mill
Behind the school house on the hill,
Where all the boys could see it.

Lill's start was like the summer breeze
That softly sways the cypress trees.
But when Lill screwed boys, she screwed for keeps,
And piled her victims up in heeps.
Lill screwed around and screwed unyil
She screwed the grass clean off the hill.
She tried her bunts and double bunts
And all the tricks whats knowed to cunts.
But Pete was with her every lick,
Still letting out more prick.
Lill has her boots on when she fell;
So what the Hell boys, what the Hell?

Anonymous

Text #3910 from The Gordon Inferno Collection

See here: https://archive.org/details/1917gordoninfernocollection/page/3910/mode/1up