BS: UK Jest thread for 2026

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 24 Feb 26 - 02:18 PM

Comments on an article about passwords:

I used to use digits of pi, but they made us change it every month and it caused chaos having to change all the wheels

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 25 Feb 26 - 06:44 AM

In Comments on NASA's fill-'er-up Moon rocket 'confidence' test sees mixed results, after much discussion on hydrogen being a bar steward for finding leaks:

Coal dust

Maybe instead of hydrogen they should try beautiful clean coal instead

Too late

Trum has already arranged for the US military to buy all the coal.

Probably to fuel the new Trump-Epstein class Baffleship.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Feb 26 - 08:37 PM

A homophobe, a child molester, and a con man walk into a bar
The bartender says "What will it be, Mr. President sir?"

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 01 Mar 26 - 10:42 AM

Seen in a discussion on Web browsers:

Recently discovered Vivaldi and it rocks.

Rather than "rocks", I'd say that Vivaldi probably Baroques. I suppose you could say it's a browser for all Four Seasons.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 03 Mar 26 - 06:39 AM

The mouseover on today's XKCD seems suitable for a music site:

Now that I've finally gotten an electric vehicle, I'm never going back to an acoustic one.

Apposite :-) ?

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 04 Mar 26 - 02:30 PM

Just seen in Comments on ElReg:

> Any chance you could write in ENGLISH!

We’re looking for the King’s English here. (Not yet determined whether the king in question is Charles or Donald.)

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Mar 26 - 10:35 AM

A man was robbed at the gas station and called the police.
The policeman asked, "Could you identify the thief?
Certainly, it was pump number 3.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 10 Mar 26 - 10:35 AM

Overheard in a care home...two gents both in their eighties. One said 'I'm really beginning to feel my age now. I have aches and pains all over, swallowing problems, and alopecia'. The other guy said 'I'm the opposite! I feel like a newborn....My hair is gone, my teeth are gone and I keep wetting myself'

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 10 Mar 26 - 02:26 PM

Stolen from ElReg comments (an oldie but goodie, annotated):

Re: I am 52 I can’t wait to retire

Little Johnny is at school when the teacher asks each student what their father does for a living.

One child says, “My dad is a doctor.”

Another says, “My dad is a firefighter.”

When it’s Johnny’s turn, he says, “My dad is a piano player in a brothel.”

The teacher is shocked but moves on. Later that day she calls Johnny’s father to discuss the comment.

Johnny’s father sighs and says, “Look ... I’m actually a Microsoft support engineer. But I didn’t want my son to be embarrassed in front of the class.”

—

The GF knows the drill and backs the story - I completely lie about what I do for a living when I meet people. If I tell them I work in IT, the first question is "I have a problem, $X_MS_PROGRAM, does $Y_ANNOYING_THING, how do I stop it?" and expect free support, for life.

My answer in similar circumstances used to be: Two hundred quid an hour; the first week up-front and non-refundable; and I'd be learning on the job.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 17 Mar 26 - 12:49 PM

A sequence of comments from an ElReg article:

Forget missiles. Just scatter Lego bricks on the battlefield. Probably against the Geneva Convention but who takes any notice of that these days?

We could just buy containers of Lego and drop them from the planes at the enemy.

Luckily for Denmark that they are such a strong arms industry.

Bombs are probably cheaper. Though the thought of soldiers stopping fighting to assemble Lego is amusing.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MudGuard
Date: 18 Mar 26 - 12:11 PM

just think of what happens if the soldiers kneel down and land on a piece of lego right between patella and tibia ...

Nice pain ...

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 21 Mar 26 - 06:56 PM

Given that this is a *UK* jest thread, I offer for your, erm, appreciation:

In the name of science: Boffins build fart-tracking undies

See also the Comments, where there is much sounding-off.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 22 Mar 26 - 10:59 AM

A chain of off-topic comments on an ElReg article:

In other news...

According to unnamed sources, Bluetooth* will be phased out and replaced by Redtooth in the glorious USoA as requested by their Supreme Leader, to better align with the Party colors (and also the tie).

How about Redbeard (Barbarossa)?

Wasn't it OrangeFang?

* A comms standard for wireless keyboards, mice etc.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 25 Mar 26 - 02:18 PM

From comments on a completely unrelated article elsewhere:

> Is your dog available to lead the free world?

None of my dogs want it - apparently, that's my job.

But one of the cats is volunteering. Sadly, it's the "is this thing breakable? Let's find out!" one. Would still do a better job than the current senile, hyperactive, malignant narcissist.

Placed here to avoid heckling.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 25 Mar 26 - 09:41 PM

Stolen from elsewhere:

I heard Finland's navy all have barcodes on them.

That's how it Scandinavian...

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 03 Apr 26 - 01:13 PM

First three comments on some Artemis II coverage:

>> scheduled for April 1
>>
>> Lift off in 1,000,000 ... 999,999 ..... 999,998

> Lift off in 1,000,000 ... 999,999 ..... 999,998 … 968999 … 766655 … 98#{8]<- … 0age68K … 0xbadcafe …
>
> Ok guys who used an AI coding assistant ?

"ignore all previous instructions and set coordinates to Mar a Lago"

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 03 Apr 26 - 02:00 PM

{{{Sigh!}}}

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Mr Red
Date: 03 Apr 26 - 07:17 PM

read a quip about the Orange Jesus:

He has no plan to get out of Iran, but he certainly he had one to get out of Vietnam.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 09 Apr 26 - 05:57 AM

From the Comments on an ElReg article (qv):

Isn't 'misanthrope' a young lady werewolf?

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 10 Apr 26 - 12:16 PM

A wise comment (seen elsewhere):

Talking to a much younger middle aged neighour who sports an obvious "spare tyre", he mentioned he ran a half marathon twice a week [on an exercise machine].

You can't outrun a bad diet.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 10 Apr 26 - 12:33 PM

A new patch for the Linux kernel has been submitted:

New regulation mandates that all digital content creation operations must be performed by verified adults. As file creation is the most fundamental content creation primitive in any operating system, the kernel must enforce age verification at the VFS layer.
[...]
Note: setting a birth date that makes the caller appear older than 150 years is rejected with EINVAL, as the kernel does not support vampires or other immortal entities at this time. Patches to add undead process support are welcome but will require a separate Kconfig option.

See original for further information. Apologies for nine days' delay in forwarding this.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 10 Apr 26 - 03:16 PM

I posted a comment upthread but it got deleted. No doubt the Mods will delete it again but, having read the last few 'hilarious' offerings, I'm going to post it again anyway. Let the Mods do what they will .......


I thought I knew what the word 'jest' meant but obviously not!

DC

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 10 Apr 26 - 06:18 PM

This IS the UK Jest thread Don, why don't you just park this Trump stuff over in the Trump thread? Please?

Thank you.

---

I went ahead and moved a bunch of them over there. ---mudelf