BS: stay out of trouble thread

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Aug 25 - 09:09 AM

Preserve the contentment of your selected community. People who gossip about other people's issues are generally less interesting than people who discuss ideas. You can change the subject yourself or be disinterested in the gossip/accusations. Influencers come and go. Water will eventually find its own level in your positive community of choice, so don't let yourself become intimidated. There are issues worth fighting for, but this doesn't sound like trouble worth fighting. Nobody is perfect. Let a blip be a blip.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 25 Aug 25 - 10:17 AM

The library I retired from had horrible management the last few years. And at one point people from the administration office went to some kind of retreat that involved sharing personal stuff and it would somehow engender good feelings. With no background they started running those kinds of sessions in our regular meeting room, and asking people to share deep dark secrets. A department co-worker had signed up thinking it was required and I remember advising them to back out, that they had no business trying to run something like that. Others must have expressed the same concern because those sessions vanished off of the calendar. Even with the best of intentions those things can go awry. You said your nosy neighbor runs a weekly happy hour? Is there some other event you can participate in, or arrange informally, to meet some of the others in your community? You said you aren't playing piano any more, but if you were, would people join in singing?

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Helen
Date: 25 Aug 25 - 04:07 PM

Talking about finding a group activity reminds me of some detective fiction books I read recently about a group of people living in a retirement village who start investigating a crime and then the next books are each about a new crime.

Richard Osman Thursday Murder Club series. I have read the first two. I'll have to find copies of the other three. They are a gentle, fun read - except for the crime part, of course.

SRS, your story reminds me of a flaky manager - long story, she wasn't management material - who decided to run mindfulness sessions when the unit was under pressure about being relocated 50 miles away. Not many attended and the sessions fizzled out. (My comment about her would be that she needed a mind before she could be mindful, and she tended to skim the surface of anything she was supposedly "learning" so her interpretation of mindfulness would be unlikely to relate to the actual concept.)

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 25 Aug 25 - 06:12 PM

Indeed, SRS, there are many other events going on that I can look into and participate in, although if they are in the morning then I have conflicts in my schedule.

As for music, there is already a musician leading singing in the community at regular times; he conducts singing, and he has an accompanist who works with him. He is always looking for new singers. I am not aware if my nosy neighbor is or is not part of the singing group. But this is something that might fit into my schedule ... or not ... I will have to see. I think the group, like my chorus, had the summer off. But they ought to start meeting up again.

As to my chorus, they resume a week after Labor Day, which is in no time at all.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 27 Aug 25 - 11:10 PM

I shipped 3 pounds of okra to a friend but the UPSP was so slow, even on Priority mail, that most of it spoiled before it got there. The post office used to ship the more expensive mail faster, now it just says "gotcha" if you're silly enough to pay more for the same slow service all other parcels get.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 28 Aug 25 - 10:21 AM

Getting things shipped in a hurry: I remember reading about the touring theatrical company who had difficulties ensuring their costume and/or props hamper arrived (by rail iirc) before the performance. Their solution was to write FISH in large, friendly letters on the hamper.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 31 Aug 25 - 08:34 PM

I overheard something a little chilling tonight.

In the parlor by the retirement community library, I was reading a book.
Two women sat down on a couch nearby and began talking earnestly, as though I were not there to hear.
One of the women claimed that she has been robbed twice since she moved here, describing what was taken -- jewelry, of course.
Somewhere in the conversation, the other woman remarked, "There are no secrets at [the retirement community]."
I haven't any jewelry to be robbed of. I don't dress that way;
the woman in question does dress up, though, especially for dinner.

I have days when I feel sorry for myself. I don't, after hearing that.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 03 Sep 25 - 03:44 PM

The nosy woman is back and she is doing her best to negotiate terms, so to speak.
I have let her know that she told me too much and I was unhappy about it.
She wants to apologize and get hugs and stroke me some more, literally.
I keep saying no to the hugs and the stroking.

This is a deeply needy person and all the times that I was being polite to her, she somehow found me attractive, and now she wants to give me special treatment.
It's all very creepy. She's an old lady and I don't see her changing.

I'm afraid the only way to deal with her coming after me and wanting my attention is to keep saying no and to be firm,
and accept that she negotiates and pushes. It's how she goes through life.
From one point of view she is harmless, and she would protest vehemently that she is harmless, I'm sure.
But we are practically neighbors and we cannot avoid crossing paths in the hallway.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Helen
Date: 03 Sep 25 - 04:28 PM

Stay firm and determined to keep your own space. No means no, thanks but no thanks.

It brings to my mind the coercive control type of behaviour and part of that is being nice just to get her own way.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 03 Sep 25 - 04:46 PM

Try talking about folk music - specifically, "what is folk?". If her eyes start to glaze over, you shouldn't have any more trouble.
;-)

DC

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 03 Sep 25 - 05:31 PM

well said, Doug!

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Helen
Date: 03 Sep 25 - 06:10 PM

That's a great strategy, Doug!!

Or maybe start expounding on the deep technicalities of playing classical music, similar to listening to an IT person at a dinner party explaining a specific technical aspect of their work in great depth and which no-one else understands except superficially. :-D

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 03 Sep 25 - 06:54 PM

When a friendship starts organically there is usually a lot of sharing and comparing, but only if the feelings are mutual. What kinds of subjects does she broach? Things that all tie back to her? Or is she drilling you?

Why is she not reading or is ignoring your signals that you're not interested? Does she have other friends in the community?

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: pattyClink
Date: 03 Sep 25 - 10:04 PM

Oh dear, I have met people like this. They collect and trade in gossip, and they will interview you, debrief you, and confide and pry until they get all they can get. Often they literally have no interests except being a 'people person'. The worst one I had to deal with, I had to simply stop saying anything but hello to, if I saw her in the neighborhood.

If I had to interact, I guess I'd do like keberoxu has done, explain that I don't want to get so personal. Then there are evergreen responses to keep handy, like "why on earth would you ask that?" "I'm just trying to mind my own business", dead silence, and walking away.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 08 Sep 25 - 04:54 PM

Keb, how are you sleeping now? Is the new mattress comfortable enough to forget about it and just go to sleep?

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 08 Sep 25 - 05:09 PM

Sweet of you to ask, SRS. I am sleeping tolerably well now, although, maybe it's age, but it takes me longer to get to sleep these nights. The new mattress is an improvement. I just am struggling still to get used to sleeping in what still seems a new place. I have taken to leaving a light on, like a night light, and it seems to help me to feel comfortable enough to relax into sleeping.

The nosy neighbor is behaving herself since I told her, the one time, that she told me too much. Maybe there will be tension again in the future, but for now she is keeping a decent distance. I believe I can respond, in the future, without getting so upset as before.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Mrrzy
Date: 08 Sep 25 - 07:59 PM

Argh, I shoild hang here more. Back on meds for anxiety * and* depression, more things going wrong in the world.

I'm a lot better when things are fine...