BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk

Subject: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: Nick E
Date: 29 Jun 07 - 08:09 PM

Many may question my judgment in posting this, heck even I doo, so I put enter at your own risk in the title. If you don't want to hear about my a** leave now! It is one of the experiences of an aging post baby-boomer and I feel like sharing!

Just had the delightful experience of having a colonoscopy. For those who may not know it is when the doctor sends a crew comprised of a reporter, camera operator and sound engineer named Alphonso up ones backside! (OK, it is just a fiber optic camera but how funny is that?)

The prep for it is worse than the procedure. That involves not eating anything but clear liquids from lunch on yesterday, and nothing after midnight and also some nasty laxatives for cleaning out of the pipes,

I took the vile phosphorus last night as well as mysterious tablets and about 4 this morning my digestive track began an impersonation of Old Faithful. Like clockwork from 4 to 7 am, each time I would try to get back to sleep there came a violent large scale eruption with scant warning, the only thing missing was the delighted tourists. The only crowd nearby was constituted of confused dogs and cats that wondered what all the activity was about. The procedure called for me to be at the hospital at 10:15 so I was able to sleep for a couple of hours after the worst of the seismic activity subsided.

Upon checking in I was asked what color my "RETURNS" were. What a happy euphemism! I was happy to tell the nurse the latest returns were clear!

(NEWSBREAK - This Just In.... The Latest Returns Are Out Of The Polling Box And They Are Clear!....)

The procedure took place at the One Day Surgery Center, and it was only about three hours from check in to check out.

Now for the results.....

GOOD!

Several small pollups, not indicative of problems but removed.

And an Internal Hemorrhoid was found.

(The blood from it is I think what set the whole thing off)

What causes pollups? I asked....

Smoking (Check) Fatty Foods (Check) Lack of Exercises (Check) Drinking (Check) Being Overweight (Check) Cancer ...NO CHECK!

They will biopsy all the pollups but the size is not indicative of problems, so I'm expecting they will keep their hands out of my a** for at least 5 years.

I am also changing the diet, and starting to exercise. The booze and smokes are another issue!

I hope you folks enjoyed the little peek into my....day

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: Peace
Date: 29 Jun 07 - 08:14 PM

Well, they should have their hands--well, finger--up yer arse every year. Have your prostate checked.

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: SINSULL
Date: 29 Jun 07 - 08:18 PM

Fun isn't it? My doctor handled all the butts of NYC comedians so there was an ongoing stand up dialog which began with shoving the camera in my face so I could see myself on the screen. I was awake through the whole procedure. Not particularly painful but somewhat embarrassing. I agree the prologue is worse than the test. And the gaseous aftermath is mortifying.Alone in a hospital bathroom producing seismic waves that were detected in New Jersey. And the stomach cramps.

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: gnu
Date: 29 Jun 07 - 08:22 PM

Oh.... you didn't follow the instructions. You take the first elixir early on.... and shit like a race horse before beddy byes. I slept like a baby until about 5AM. Then, up and "at 'em" like a colt.

I, too, was clear on the polyps. Not that anyone cares about my...

...sorry.... TMI

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: Don Firth
Date: 29 Jun 07 - 08:39 PM

". . . the scenic route. . . ."

Anyway, I'm glad everything came out all right.

(Sorry!)

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Jun 07 - 09:50 PM

Yeah, well, I'm due for another one this year....

First time I had one they were trying to find the cause of anemia. So they first did and endoscopy (top down, so to speak) and then a colonoscopy. I wanted them to do both at once, just so they could meet in the middle. I could mentally hear it: "Doctor, I see a light!"

Actually, the very first thing they did was a barium milkshake to see if I had an ulcer (I didn't). They videotaped it and I asked for a copy, but they didn't give it to me. I was going to market it under the title "GUTS!!"

Polyps can be pre-cancerous -- I've had some removed in the past. Be glad they're gone. (If you're of a conspiracy/paranoid turn of mind, be aware that they are using the genetic material found in your polyps and those of others to create a genetically engineered race of super-assholes.)

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: GUEST,cheeky
Date: 29 Jun 07 - 09:51 PM

Took a lot of cheek to post start this thread.

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: Charley Noble
Date: 29 Jun 07 - 10:02 PM

Thanks for sharing and it's good to hear there were happy returns.

I remember my experience vividly and agree that everyone should have one as well.

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

PS

The two bannar ads are amusing:

"Colon Cleaning at Home"

"Colon Cleansing a SCAM?"

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: frogprince
Date: 29 Jun 07 - 10:22 PM

Ah, yes; been there, done that

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: Ebbie
Date: 29 Jun 07 - 10:29 PM

Like Sinsull I too stayed awake during the procedure and chatted with them throughout. Actually I found it very interesting. Kind of like when I had an ultra sound of my uterus. We have fascinatin' innards, folks.

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: JennyO
Date: 29 Jun 07 - 10:36 PM

I couldn't let this thread 'pass' without posting John Dengate's song - written after his brush with the colorectal surgeon:

Rectal Bleeding Calypso - Words & Music ©: John Dengate - He says "I know it's in appallingly bad taste, but I plead truth and public benefit. And the song is my way of getting even with the medical profession. (Don't get angry; get even)"

I was passing some rectal blood
Sometimes half a cup –
So I go up to the doctor,
Thinking he will fix me up.
He poke around in my rectum
'Til his face is wreathed in smiles.
As he idly toyed with a haemorrhoid,
He says "Have you got piles?"

      Oh! If you suffer from rectal bleeding,
      Or some sim'lar disease – Ooh!
      Stay a-way from the hospitals
      And the doctors' surgeries.

But I don't get snaky or cranky –
I know he's doin' his best.
He say, sincerely and frankly
I must see the specialist.
Oh! The specialist is a rugby man –
He ruck the Uni scrum.
He practise shoving and pushing
With this thing stuck up my bum!

      Oh! If you suffer from rectal bleeding ...

Oh! Off to specialist number two
And this he say to me:
"Have to put you in hospital,
For colon-os-co-py".
Oh! Colonoscopy does not sound like
Very pleasant idea
And first you swallow this poisonous muck
That gives you diahhorea!

      Oh! If you suffer from rectal bleeding ...

Oh! Doctor say to me, sadly,
With a face like wise old owl:
Colonoscoscope won't go round
The main loop of your bowel.
Barium enema – that's the thing
He reckons must be tried.
I should have taken the coward's way
And planned on suicide!

      Oh! If you suffer from rectal bleeding ...

Is no damn wonder that my hand shake –
No wonder I imbibe.
Barium enema … so damned terrible,
Words can not describe.
I've had a bowel and a belly-full,
I've had much more than I need.
I've naught to show, for they still don't know,
What causes me to bleed.

      Oh! If you suffer from rectal bleeding ...


If a thread comes along about skin cancer, he has "Skin Cancer Blues" and for dental problems he has "Because I neglected dental hygiene".

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: GUEST,punkfolkrocker
Date: 29 Jun 07 - 10:54 PM

when i had it done 5 or 6 years ago..


[bleeding following on from a 3 week intensive drinking tour in central europe..]


.. i was so delighted to be told there was no evidence of any malignant tissue..



..i forgot to ask for a copy of the video for my family album..




one bonus though..


while i was being prepped for the camera


a saucy milf nurse 'accidently' brushed her hands

against my vulnerably exposed gentleman's parts..


3 cheers for the National Health Service..!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 29 Jun 07 - 11:05 PM

I had one.

My friend is just starting the diet now...

I told her that she is on 'The Religious Camel Diet' - in training to be a Camel..





So she can pass thru The Eye of a Needle...

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 29 Jun 07 - 11:29 PM

I just showed my friend this - you can send me flowers at the hospital - leaving now...

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: Howard Kaplan
Date: 30 Jun 07 - 12:05 AM

OK, here's my contribution. Dr. Rees is a real primary care physician who suggested this song topic to me. If you'd like to download the music as notation or hear the MIDI approximation, you can find them here.

A Note of Thanks to Doctor Rees
©1994 by Howard L. Kaplan

Doctor Rees (colon): I'm writing this letter
To thank you for what I have recently learned.
After our talk, I now understand better.
That would not be so, had you not been concerned.
Needing more facts, I perused the collection
The library keeps; I found quite a good book.
So now, I know much about rectal inspection,
Though rectums are places I rarely need look.

When we succeed with this change we're now trying,
When few folk will smoke, through persuasion and laws,
We'll see a change in statistics of dying,
With lung cancer being a less prominent cause.
Next behind lungs on the list as a locus
Where tumors develop, in rich lands like these,
Are rectum and colon, and so we must focus
On them, in our work of preventing disease.

Some say it helps to consume much more fibre
And rarely eat Haagen-Daas, lamb chops, or Brie;
Those vegetarians I've met in cyber-
Space out on the Internet tend to agree.
But, for the millions who won't change their diet,
Although that would also be good for the heart,
There is a technique, if they're willing to try it,
That often ensures no malignancies start.

The flexible sigmoidoscope was invented
To access our guts through the holes in their ends
Where feces well coloured and gases ill scented
Both exit the body. It threads through the bends
In the sigmoid, the part of the colon just over
The rectum that's shaped like an "S", and can go
Inside the left colon. It's used to discover
Conditions for which, perhaps, no symptoms show.

Polyps are growths that should not be occurring.
The ones in the bowel, when young, are benign,
But they can enlarge, and there's danger deferring
Removal, because, when they're old, they malign.
Most bowel polyps, statistics have shown us,
Are found near the sigmoid. A primary care
Physician can look for them, and, as a bonus,
Remove them, by using a scope and a snare.

Fibres bring outside light in to illumine;
An image is focused on fibres of glass.
Three millimetres wide, there's enough room in
The biopsy channel for thin tools to pass.
One has a loop in its end, which is tightened
To snare polyps' bases, then current's applied,
And heat cuts their stalks as the flesh becomes whitened.
A biopsy's made from the parts that weren't fried.

And so, Doctor Rees, thanks again for these verses
That I'd not have written without your request.
We, who must visit physicians and nurses,
Should try to keep current with what they suggest.
As it ascends, up that slippery slope in
The base of my gut, every three years or two,
When I feel the flexible sigmoidoscope in
My rectum, I'll surely be thinking of you.

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: GUEST,Al no cookie
Date: 30 Jun 07 - 01:09 AM

Nick, it was good of you to open up and tell us about this. It should help to eliminate some confusion. Cast a light on some murky areas. Glad for the good outcome.
Al

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: JennyO
Date: 30 Jun 07 - 02:58 AM

Looking at the thread title - as for entering your colon, I think I'll pass on that.

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: gnu
Date: 30 Jun 07 - 05:34 AM

Working where the sun don't shine........

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: redsnapper
Date: 30 Jun 07 - 06:45 AM

Ah yes... I have a return trip for the television camera and swiss army knive mounted on a long stalk and... (let's skip that!) booked in a couple of weeks.

Actually for anyone who is wary of this procedure it is no big deal... just a bit embarassing. Definitely the delightful preparation stage is the worst. I would say for anyone over 50 or who has has any bleeding you should consider asking your doctor to refer you for the procedure. It's usually a five-yearly check unless you have "previous" and generally and "in and out in a half day" outpatient thing. The possible consequences of not doing so are much worse and anything potentially nasty can be caught while it is still highly treatable. Oh yes, and as Peace says, don't forget the prostate jobbie every year chappies.

RS

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: freda underhill
Date: 30 Jun 07 - 07:07 AM

Thanks for the kind invite Nick, a little warm inside but hospitality is always appreciated. And did you hear about the two doctors who opened an office in a small town and put up a sign
reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed
it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the
council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go.

Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." down again.

Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again.

"Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope.

"Nuts and ?" Uh uh.

"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr
Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."


Everyone loved it.

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: Surreysinger
Date: 30 Jun 07 - 08:19 AM

Nick E - no actually I wouldn't question your judgement in posting on this topic. My sister developed cancer of the colon in her late forties...and after querying the situation re possible family traits with my GP I was referred to a local scheme (GUTS) which was one of the first in the country (UK) to operate a screening policy for people at higher risk. After a counselling session I was told that I was at an increased risk of developing the disease myself, and was offered the choice of whether to join their screening programme or not. Given the circs I decided it was wisest to join - it had been explained to me that it takes four years on average for a polyp to develop into a cancerous growth, and that they could be removed during the process of the colonoscopy. Moreover, if something should be discovered - hey, better to find it earlier than later as cancer of the colon is one of those where there is a high recovery rate if it is uncovered early enough.

The happy (?) result is that I underwent one of these procedures and found that I was "all clear" about five years ago. The "unhappy" part of it all was the Piccolax - explosive stuff, or what??? - and the fact that on the first occasion I took it, I had the first powder, underwent the stirrings it caused, and was about to take the second powder at the prescribed time - only to receive a phone call from the hospital to tell me that the procedure the next morning had had to be cancelled... bad enough that I had already had one powder, but, as I now know, I just missed the joys of the effect that taking the second one has..... to be indelicate, as one delightful person took joy in telling me beforehand, on taking the second one, its not so much a case of "the bottom fell out of my world" as..... (well rearrange the words for yourself... sorry!)

I had been severely worried about the procedure as I had heard from some that it was painful - but others said not. In the event for the first one, I remember being on the table with all the equipment around me, but came to not remembering a thing about it - the effect apparently of the sedative I was given.

Two years ago, however, after twenty four hours of bleeding, intensely worrying, I was admitted to hospital, and after four days given another colonoscopy (whoopee!!). On this occasion, I certainly DO remember the rather painful first few moments of the procedure... not enough sedative... but again, apart from finding that I had colitis (which has since reared its ugly head again once) I was pronounced all clear of polyps/cancer. I look forward (eh?) to another check up in about a year's time.

I would strongly urge anybody who is offered a colonoscopy as a choice, not to turn it down. It can be worrying beforehand, but far better to undergo it than to develop something which is far more worrying in the long term.

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: wysiwyg
Date: 30 Jun 07 - 10:45 AM

Great thread-- we had one awhile back about the indignities of aging, where some folks really seemed not to like the type or level of detail. Glad your thread got a better reception-- and the thread title alone is GREAT, but I'm staying out of it as well! :~)

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: jacqui.c
Date: 30 Jun 07 - 03:08 PM

(If you're of a conspiracy/paranoid turn of mind, be aware that they are using the genetic material found in your polyps and those of others to create a genetically engineered race of super-assholes.)

Rap they've even got one in the White House and Downing Street now, haven't they?

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: gnu
Date: 30 Jun 07 - 03:24 PM

"Actually for anyone who is wary of this procedure it is no big deal..."

Um, now, let's not get too relaxed. You can get a young driver who goes too fast around the corners and drives over the curb. At which point, minor surgery can usually repair the damage. Only 1/1000 need major surgery for repairing a punctured colon from those who have not passed the "Young Driver's of the Colon" course.

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: GUEST
Date: 30 Jun 07 - 03:37 PM

Less embarrassing , and more technically interesting is a procedure called "capsule endoscopy". You are strapped into a belt containing batteries and a TV recorder, and you swallow a miniature TV camera--about the size of a kernel of corn--that records the whole trip through the alimentary canal.

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: Surreysinger
Date: 30 Jun 07 - 04:12 PM

Gnu - quite right to point that out... and that was one of the things that I found worrying... but it's obviously a calculated risk that you have to take(as with any invasive procedures). However, there was an article in a paper over here this week which highlighted a new experimental procedure (not the one mentioned by guest) which is firstly not as uncomfortable as the colonoscopy, and secondly can be carried out with a more flexible instrument which did not involve the need for a sedative/anaesthetic, and does not carry as high a level of risk.

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Jun 07 - 05:00 PM

I'll stick to the Old Ways, even though the prep stinks (no, I'm NOT sorry at ALL!), because any polyps, etc. that might be found are removed immediately and biopsied. The faster I'd have colon cancer or other nasty things treated the better I'd like it!

(My wife's a cancer survivor, so I'm sorta prejudiced in favor of the earliest possible treatment.)

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 30 Jun 07 - 05:24 PM

At my last such "visitation" my only problem was that I was given a generic "authorization" form to sign that said in essence that they were allowed to render me unconscious, and the "doctor in charge" was authorized to do "anything deemed appropriate" until I woke up.

As the process used within this practice assigns an "examining physician" at random for such tests, and your own doctor is not permitted to specify who will perform the test, and as I had never met anyone involved and had no idea of what they might consider "appropriate," I simply marked out that section of the form, wrote "REFUSED" in the entire section, and signed the rest of the form.

This caused some "momentary panic" when I arrived at the examination suite, but when the D.I.C heard my explanation, he looked at the forms and then said - "Gee, I never knew it said all that. We need to ask them to rewrite this form."

(Is my confidence building?)

He then cheerfully said "We can just omit the anesthetic so you can stay awake and we can discusss any problems before we do anything about them."

(Am I ready for this?)

Although some might find the procedure distinctly "undignified," and it does produce some "unusual sensations," with the exception of a slight "intitial shock" due to failure of the prep nurse to properely warm the instruments of torture I can't say that it was more than "intermittently mildly uncomfortable."

I was pronounced "As fit as can be expected for someone in such decrepit/degenerate condition" and sent home to collect my dignity. (Of which there's very little in the best of times, so not much collecting to be done.)

IMO, the day lost to the "pre-test" preparation is the major objection to having this done "whenever," although I expect my primary care physician to suggest when/if it needs doing and to make the appropriate recommendations to me first, rather than taking some arbitrarily devised schedule as "the last word."

Of course, I have taken some care in selecting (and training?) a physician that understands me and is willing to discuss my needs in terms that permit "mutual participation" in my treatment. For some, that may not be possible in our current medical culture/environment.

John

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: Ebbie
Date: 30 Jun 07 - 06:10 PM

A year or so before the colonoscopy, my own doctor performed a sigmoidoscopy on me in his own office. The colonoscopy, I gather, is trickier, with more inherent risks, takes longer and goes farther; it requires a surgeon, I believe.

In my case a diaphramatic hernia repair was scheduled; as my surgeon said, she didn't want any surprises and scheduled a colonoscopy beforehand.

I had been told that, given the sedative, I would probably sleep through the procedure and in any event would be unlikely to remember any part of it. I don't know if they gave me less sedative than usual. I was relaxed but watched the whole thing on the monitor.

At one point I had been watching in silence as the thing traveled and then asked a question about a bend in the 'tube'. The two doctors seemed startled and said something like 'You're still awake!'

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: gnu
Date: 30 Jun 07 - 06:41 PM

"sigmoidoscopy".... oh, now we're talkin..... years ago, Preston (just had a chuckle at the thought of his name), an old buddy, and now my family doc, said it might be a bit uncomfortable.

Now, the colonoscopy in the hospital by the surgeon is quite different..... I recall no problems.

However, about the Sigi in the doc's office years ago.... I apologized after I screamed out, "Jesus Christ! Did you fuck up?!!!" Didn't phase Preston.... phased a few in the waiting room, I think.

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: Janie
Date: 01 Jul 07 - 01:02 AM

Growing old is not for sissies....

I, too, was fortunate to have a careful 'driver' and so the procedure was uncomfortable but not painful. I was awake, but they gave me an injection that I suspect was anhydrous valium. When all was done, Dani drove her car up to the curb and the nurse escorted me out and poured me into the passenger seat. I sat there with a silly grin on my face as the two of them worked to fasten the seatbelt. Still smiling, I slurred "Gee, I haven't felt like this since...uhmm...uhhh...." "College," the nurse finished the sentence for me.

Janie

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: Cluin
Date: 01 Jul 07 - 03:22 AM

Stinks in here.

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: Michael
Date: 01 Jul 07 - 04:56 PM

I had a colonoscopy earlier this year because of a several weeks of pain and frequent bowel movements. Nothing was found and by the time I saw the gastroenterologist a couple of weeks later the symptoms had gone too.He said this was quite common and probably due to the picolax clearing the gut out.

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: kendall
Date: 02 Jul 07 - 07:02 AM

I felt every yard of that damn thing.

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: GUEST,North South Annie
Date: 02 Jul 07 - 05:44 PM

When I had a colonoscopy I started to wake up just as the surgeon was 'withdrawing the instruments'and I then started shouting at him that he'd started without waiting for me to go to sleep! The nurse finally persuaded me that the proceedure was 'all over now'. I only had ulcerative colitis, but many are less fortunate - my husband's colon cancer had already spread to his liver and lungs by the time he was diagnosed and he passed away last year. Caught early, colon cancer is very treatable and I would urge anyone to have this proceedure if offered it!
Annie

Subject: RE: BS: My Colon:Enter at your own risk
From: open mike
Date: 02 Jul 07 - 06:01 PM

i did this too, after having two friends pass away from colon cancer.
i had the option of remaining conscious during the procedure
but opted to have them put me out(not down) when it became too uncomfortable.

i did not think to ask them for the video taope!
altough several years later i did get the DVD
video of a cat (CT)scan i had.