BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007

Subject: BS: Fifth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 27 Sep 07 - 07:58 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

---

Fourt Joke Thread for 2007 continued

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 27 Sep 07 - 07:59 AM

I must confess: At first it was a typing error, but it looked so funny! So let it stand ...

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Sep 07 - 11:30 AM

I know a great knock-knock joke. You start!

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: Amos
Date: 27 Sep 07 - 01:25 PM

How does Koko feel about this invasion of her public identity?


A

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: Schantieman
Date: 27 Sep 07 - 04:00 PM

Just to pick up on an earlier (brief) seam of 'humour',

"Do you like Charlotte Rampling?"

"Don't know - I've never seen Charlotte Rample".

I told you not to bother.

S

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: Michael
Date: 27 Sep 07 - 04:43 PM

Who's there?

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 27 Sep 07 - 06:53 PM

Biggish!!

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: Mickey191
Date: 27 Sep 07 - 07:30 PM

Biggish Who?

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: John O'L
Date: 27 Sep 07 - 07:46 PM

(Drums table with fingertips.)

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: Splott Man
Date: 28 Sep 07 - 03:59 AM

I got it...




















and it was only a pound

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 28 Sep 07 - 04:49 AM

"Good Old Kokomo"

(Fred McDowell)

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 28 Sep 07 - 10:20 AM

Gawd Help Us - how will we ever find this thread now using the filter?


It's alright, you can all laugh now, that was a Koke...

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: Ernest
Date: 28 Sep 07 - 11:18 AM

sponsored by Pepsi?

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 28 Sep 07 - 11:24 AM

Do you like Dickens?
I don't know, I've never been to one!


Boom boom.

G

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: Splott Man
Date: 28 Sep 07 - 11:27 AM

The Kipling is good round here this year.

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: Michael
Date: 28 Sep 07 - 12:38 PM

Exceedingly good buns.

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 28 Sep 07 - 03:39 PM

A "koke" is like a joke, only instead of having a beginning and an end, it has two ends.

Sort of like this, only different.

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 28 Sep 07 - 03:40 PM

Is that one of them Arab terrapins that GWB is fighting?
G

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 28 Sep 07 - 05:02 PM

The Story of Rindercella
    Once apon a time, in a coreign fountry, there lived a very geautiful birl; her name was Rindercella. Now, Rindercella lived with her mugly other and her two sad bisters. And in this same coreign fountry, there was a very prandsom hince.

    And this prandsom hince was going to have a bancy fall. And he'd invited people from riles amound, especially the pich reople. Rindercella's mugly other and her two sad blisters went out to buy some drancy fesses to wear to this bancy fall, but Rindercella could not go because all she had to wear were some old rirty dags. Finally, the night of the bancy fall arrived and Rindercella couldn't go. So she just cat down and scried. She was a kitten there a scrien, when all at once there appeard before her, her gairy fodmother. And he touched her with his wagic mand ... and there appeared before her, a cig boach and hix white sorces to take her to the bancy fall. But now she said to Rindercella, "Rindercella, you must be home before nidmight, or I'll purn you into a tumpkin!"

    When Rindercella arrived at the bancy fall, the prandsom hince met her at the door because he had been watchin' behind a woden hindow. And Rindercella and the prandsom hince nanced all dight until nidmight...and they lell in fove. And finally, the mid clock strucknight. And Rindercella staced down the rairs, and just as she beached the rottom, she slopped her dripper!

    The next day, the prandsom hince went all over the coreign fountry looking for the geautiful birl who had slopped her dripper. Finally he came to Rindercella's house. He tried it on Rendercella's mugly other ... and it fidn't dit. Then he tried it on her two sigly usters ... and it fidn't dit. Then he tried it on Rindercella ... and it fid dit. It was exactly the sight rize!

    So they were married and lived heverly ever hapwards. Now, the storal of the mory is this: If you ever go to a bancy fall and want to have a pransom hince loll in fove with you, don't forget to slop your dripper!

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 28 Sep 07 - 05:23 PM

Did Pjhilip fart?
G

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: van lingle
Date: 28 Sep 07 - 05:33 PM

Heard on From the Top last week;

-Knock, knock.
-Who's there?
-Interrupting cow.
-Interrupting...
-Mooooooooooo!

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 28 Sep 07 - 06:20 PM

I'm going to relate a joke now. I hope that's okay. I wouldn't do it except that I don't know any kokes....

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I had inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Chicago Bear tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover the gentleman with that blanket before he catches a cold."

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 29 Sep 07 - 11:02 AM

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Sorry, I thought this was a knocking shop!

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 29 Sep 07 - 11:03 AM

The elderly man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: katlaughing
Date: 01 Oct 07 - 01:48 PM

An old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads
for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age,
but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?? "

The prostitute replies, "Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots "

"Three knots?" he asks. "What's that supposed to mean??"

She says,
"You're knot hard, you're knot in,
and you're knot getting your money back.

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Oct 07 - 08:44 AM

"Bad News?"

This guy's at work when he receives a call from the
hospital informing him that his wife's been in an
accident. He rushes to the emergency room where
he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting
room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his
face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy
interrupts.

"Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it.
Really, I can't take it. I love her."

Doctor : "Well, sir, I do have some bad news."

Again the guy interrupts. "Doc, just tell me, did she
make it?"

Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right
now she's in a vegetative state, which is likely where
she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here
overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home
because your insurance doesn't cover this type of
thing."

The guy slumps, just crushed.

Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you
feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving
her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live
for at least another 30 years."

The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts
to cry.

Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this
kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of
arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll
need for your wife. I would suggest you put your
house on the market today and sell it as quickly as
possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna
need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy
the equipment your wife needs and for you to live
on for the next couple of months. By then, you
should be able to qualify for welfare and other
forms of state and federal aid."

By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.

The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on the
guy's shoulder and says, "Hey, look at me."

The guy looks up. At this point the doctor smiles
and says, "I'm just messing with you. She's dead!"

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Oct 07 - 08:40 AM

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit &
Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes,
stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, s/he is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours
and doesn't speak clearly!

Please Remember: Dogs and Cats are better than
kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink or curse
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children!

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: Pseudolus
Date: 04 Oct 07 - 09:50 AM

Wait a minute, these notes work for my twins, with a few minor changes...look....

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want this morning's oatmeal on your clothes,
stay off the furniture.

3. I like my kids a lot better than I like most adults.

4. To you, they are snot nosed brats. To me, they are two human beings who are short, interrupting, loud, whiny, cuter than hell and don't speak very cleary!

Frank

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: Pseudolus
Date: 04 Oct 07 - 01:36 PM

In the middle of a service the pastor notices that a young boy is sitting in the back pew with a pad and a pencil and he is drawing a picture. Every time the pastor looks back during the service the boy is still busy at work. After the service as the boy passes the pastor on the way out of church, he is still drawing. The pastor says, "young man, what are you drawing?". The boy replies, "I'm drawing a picture of God". "Well", the pastor replies, "you realize that no one really knows what God looks like". The boy answers, "They will in a minute".

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Oct 07 - 09:39 AM

"Alternative Meanings"

The Washington Post has published the
winning submissions to its yearly contest in
which readers are asked to supply alternative
meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, (n.) the person upon whom one
coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, (adj.) appalled by discovering
how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, (v.) to give up all hope of ever having
a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, (v.) to attempt an explanation while
drunk.

5. Willy-Nilly, (adj.) impotent.

6. Negligent, (adj.) absentmindedly answering
the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, (v.) to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, (n.) emergency vehicle that picks up
someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, (n.) a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, (n.) the formal, dignified bearing
adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, (n.) a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, (n.) a person who sprinkles his
conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Circumvent, (n.) an opening in the front of boxer
shorts worn by Jewish men.

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 06 Oct 07 - 10:44 AM

A customer in a restaurant complained that there were no more toothpicks left in the toothpick box on the table. The waiter in turn complained that toothpicks were running out really fast.

A man at a nearby table turned around and said, "Oh-oh, don't blame me, I don't use too many, in fact after I use them, I put them back."

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 06 Oct 07 - 11:12 AM

A cowboy walks into a German CAr Showroom and says, "Audi Pardner!"

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Oct 07 - 01:11 PM

What did one Mexican hi-fi enthusiast say as he left the other hi-fi enthusiast?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Audios, amigo!"

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 10 Oct 07 - 01:59 AM

"Test for Dementia"

"It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test."

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow
older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose
it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of
intelligence.


Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The
spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.






1. What do you put in a toaster?














Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try
not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.








2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?














Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't
Attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even
overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such
as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.








3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue
bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made
from black bricks, what is a green house made from?



















Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why are
you still reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.








4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany
(If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West
Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, TWO engines fail. The
pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on
a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do
so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land"
between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors?
East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?




















Answer: You don't bury survivors.








If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said,
"You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question..








5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford
Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus; In Reading, six
people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon , two people get
off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In
Swansea , three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six
people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was
the name of the bus driver?



















Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!








Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!






Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: Pseudolus
Date: 10 Oct 07 - 02:36 PM

A guy rear ended a car one morning.
He knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at the guy and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So the guy said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

That's how the fight started

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 11 Oct 07 - 09:52 AM

Continued with the correct title

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: autolycus
Date: 10 Nov 07 - 04:37 PM

This was on a BBC prog.

Q. Why do women like men?

Q. Because chocolate can't mow the lawn.




Profound question corner;

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?



       Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: autolycus
Date: 11 Nov 07 - 04:39 PM

oh, and a Koke joke. Oh, yes.

The pepsi-Cola and Koke companies finally agreed a merger. So they put the advertising boys onto the quest for a snappy new slogan.

After a while, they came up with,

"Be sociable. Have a Poke."





   I'm staying,alriiiiiiiiiiiight?


       Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: Fifth Koke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 05:13 AM

Dear Ivor, may I draw your attention to this thread?